Hi guys

I've been brought up in a very strict family where family comes first.
I'm 35 and been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. Since before we got married, on several occasions I overheard my wife saying that she's having fantasies about some of my friends and about having sex with them. This completely cut me down at the knees, felt so betrayed and took me a long time to get it out of my mind, over the years things were busy with kids and work and forgetting about the marriage. She's regularly said that she can't even remember when I brought it up in arguments over the years.

We've always told each other that we love each other but we behaved like a retired couple, tired with the kids and work...
Recently, my cousin visited from overseas, she completely opened up to him an I've never seen her like this before, it was great, like we were alive again, we went around the country together n spend many weeks together.
He then returned and all was good till she started getting obsessed with him, constant messaging, I love you, I miss you, I really want you to come back, you don't understand how much i care about you, etc...
It felt like it was getting a little out if hand an I asked her to "tone it down" a little bit.
She said she didn't realise it was effecting me butbadmitted that it could have been taken out of context and she said she will stop.
I told her that she doesn't have to stop, just to consider my feelings.

After a while, I still suspected something was going on and I checked her messages (I know it's wrong and untrusting and all that), anyway, I was right, the messages kept going, when I confronted her about them, she had deleted them and lied about them ever being there... She obviously deleted them because she knew they were inappropriate, then she denied ever writing them.
Since then, I've got a real big problem with trust.
Almost a year has passed and I still can't look at her the same way.
Recently, I suspected some more "texting" was going on so I checked again (I know, I know but when you smell a rat, there usually is one).
She writes to him about our problems but tells him that what they talk about is none of my business and I don't need to know so she doesn't tell me.
My cousin is caught in the middle, he told her at one stage that she is out of line, she apologised to him for months till he started to message him again. I can understand his position and I told him not to worry.
But inside I'm being torn, am I being unreasonable in expecting some loyalty?
She tells me I'm her #1 and best friend and she can tell me anything but she tells him that what they talk about is none of my business. Even after detailing everything in our own relationship.
I don't mind my cousin knowing, we haven't been close because we're on opposite sides of the world, but I do feel very close to him.
She's always been undermining me and putting me down in public, which is something that I don't deal with very well, and why should I?
In her defence, this is something she is trying to change, if you got a problem, take me aside and we can discuss it, she has changed a lot.
However, I find this lack of loyalty to be too much to get over.
I had a lot of close girl friends that I lost contact with once we got married and recently getting in contact with to prove to myself that what she's doing is OK. It doesn't feel right to me and I feel guilty for even talking to them. I can't she how my wife doesn't understand how I feel, when I clearly don't feel ok talking to these girls knowing how it would make her feel.
She has never been a very social person and it's her way of getting attention and being accepted.
I always encourage her to go out with her friends, to go shopping while I look after the kids but that's not her scene. I can understand that she needs attention but where do I draw the line? It's not getting the right type of attention.
I don't want to tell her to stop, I just don't understand why she keeps doing this when she knows how it makes me feel.

Is it ok?
Is it still ok, even though she knows how I feel about it?
Am I being a paranoid?

Please be honest.

Bruce,
It is NOT okay for your wife to behave as she is, whether she knows about it or not. It's never okay for a person to betray their spouse, and engage in independent behavior (read everything you can here - for definitions and basic philosophies).

You are NOT paranoid - your gut is telling you that your wife is having an affair. And your gut is RIGHT.

You will get some great advice and direction from folks on the Surviving an Affair board -- please hit the MODIFY button and request that the moderators move this thread to that board.

Meanwhile, order a copy of Surviving An Affair. Read some threads on that board. Make sure you are very familiar with the basic concepts here.

Be encouraged. Your wife's lover is half a world away and doesn't appear to be that interested (although you never know as people lie like rugs when they are involved in extramarital relationships). There is a very specific but effective path to destroying this relationship and restoring your marriage to a state you never dreamed possible. Many people recover from adultery to find a much better marriage -- in fact, it's required in order to minimize the potential to slip back into old patterns.

And don't bother with your previous relationships/GF's -- there's nothing okay about that and it won't solve your problems at all.

I advise you don't bother trying to sell all this to your wife until you have a good grasp on the ideas and have a had a chance to absorb what's going on. Just let her know you do not accept her behavior; it is hurtful and you will do everything you can to stop her from carrying on a relationship with another man - and it ABSOLUTELY IS your business as it directly affects every single thought in your waking and sleeping moments. Call your cousin and tell him to kindly change his number, stop returning calls and texts, and that you will be protecting your marriage to the death, any further communication on his part will not be tolerated.

Read up on "exposure" - your going to need it. The idea is to enlist friends and family (yes including your kids parents, aunts uncles inlaws etc) to destroy the affair; you can't do it alone and you need their help in saving your marriage. If they care about you and love you and your ww, they will talk to her and try to use their influence to stop behaving in such a way as to destroy her entire life, and that of her kids and husband.

opt

Bruce, I'm sorry, but that's a ridiculous thing to say. He's not been 'caught in the middle' at all -- no one has put a gun to his head and forced him to engage in these close conversations with your wife about intimate matters that are none of his business. He makes active choices to be 'in the middle' every time he returns her calls & texts & emails or merely when he chooses not to indicate that her communications on these matters are unwelcome to him. He is thus a willing participant. Maybe the correspondence & the emotional attachment weren't his idea at the beginning, and maybe his initial reaction (that the calls were out of line) was the correct reaction, but obviously, he hasn't driven the message home to her properly, and thus, he has opportunistically kept the door open for them, and perhaps for more. Now you need to take decisive action where he has been wishy-washy.

I know all about such opportunists. You see, I was one such person, four years ago. I didn't start out looking for an affair, but I left the door open for a woman who was another man's wife to talk to me, and when she began talking about 'issues' in her marriage, I failed -- chose not to -- close that door. It led to more pain than you have any idea about, for my wife, for her husband, for me & for others.

So you don't need to feel sorry for him. Rather, what you need to do is to tell your cousin in no uncertain terms that it has come to your attention that the volume & content of his comunication with & his attention to your wife has resumed, is beyond the pale, is interfering with your marriage, and will not be tolerated any further; and that while you can't hold him responsible for initiating conversations that she initiated, you damned sure do hold him responsible for continuing them and for not shutting them down. Tell him that no communication of his with your wife is welcome any longer, unless he's man enough to send it via you. (Which I suspect he's not.) You need to put some well-merited fear into this cousin of yours, such that he'd rather be inclined to jam a red-hot poker up his own bum than to be perceived as interposing himself into your marriage. Man up & defend your marriage from this opportunist, for God's sake. As regards the fate of your marriage, you should be much more afraid of underreacting than of overreacting to your cousin's bad judgment & opportunism.

And that's correct, Bruce, you shouldn't feel OK talking to them. Ignore those girls from before you were married. You should not be in contact with them at all. Talking to them won't improve your marriage. Instead, get the book "Surviving An Affair." It'll help introduce to you some concepts such as an emotional affair, boundaries, extraordinary precautions, unmet emotional needs, and undivided attention -- that you'll need to learn about in order to save your marriage & make it better than it has been before. (If you'd like a head start, you can also find out about many of these concepts by reading in the links from the yellow box on the right-hand side of this webpage.)

Bruce, there are some serious red-flags here and I would bet dollars to donuts that this is at the least a one sided emotional affair (of it's not being reciprocated by your cousin). The fact she is hiding things, declaring love for him and other things are serious concerns that you need to cut off now.

Cv

Bruce ... Welcome to MB. Unfortunatley your wife has all the signs of an affair ... she is letting this POSOM fill her emotional needs .. and she is slowly falling for him.... or has. Either way .. its TOTALLY inappropriate. YOu will need to demand she end contact with this person. HOwever ... you should read up on PLAN A. FInd out what your wifes emotional needs are and begin to be the best at meeting them as you possibly can .. and meanwhile while everything is pretty in pink. YOu snoop like a blood hound. Find the evidence ... DO NOT CONFRONT, DO NOT show your wife this site yet.. bring your evidence here ... and we can guide you with the next steps.

Check out these links ..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html - Is snooping wrong?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html - Are friends a threat to your marriage?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html - How to survive an affair.

PLEASE do not under estimate the impact of an Emotional affair .. especially when its the woman who is having it. Its just as dangerous and damaging to a marriage as a physical one is ..

Bombard us with questions after you do some reading. Get the book "Surviving an affair".. and His Needs Her Needs .. they will help explain everything with practical examples.

MNG

Seriously? You want/expect loyalty but tell people no worries and won't ask your WW/cousin to stop her/his bad and inappropriate behavior? You are a big part of the problem, Bruce.

Bruce, there are huge boundary issues in your marriage:

1. Your wife isn't setting a boundary with your cousin to stop any contact that could be meeting her needs. She by definition is not 'forsaking all others.'

2. Your cousin isn't setting a boundary with your wife to stop contact that is damaging your marriage and your trust.

3. You aren't setting a boundary with your wife to stop getting her needs met by another man.

4. You aren't setting a boundary with your self to stop getting your needs met by another woman.

Marriage isn't an open deal (or at least it shouldn't be.) You must be faithful to each other in every way to have the marriage that will be fulfilling to both of you.

Here is a simple rule to determine what is inappropriate:

There is room in marriage for privacy, but no room in marriage for secrecy. Privacy is what your wife does in the bathroom. You don't need to know about it, but it's not a secret either. Secrecy is when you wife goes into the bathroom to txt another man.

The fact that she is hiding the messages from you is plenty enough reason for the relationship to be inappropriate regardless of what was said.

hi bruce. i'd just like to reiterate something from the last post. you should not be ashamed or apologizing for "snooping" on your wife (reading her texts). she is keeping the truth from you. you deserve to know the truth about your marriage.

if, as suspected, your wife is having an affair, snooping is going to become your best friend. have you checked out the investigations forum?

Please read.

Snooping: Is it wrong or the right thing to do in a Marriage?