Originally Posted By: headingwest


For example one time our family of four were ready to leave for a function, my wife says "I need to make myself another coffee" and heads back inside for 15 minutes to have her coffee, leaving us waiting. I, like many mortals, feel strong negative emotions during events like this. How do I keep that from being destructive, while at the same time enforcing a boundary that I feel has been crossed? Because what I actually want to do is go inside, pick up the coffee machine, and throw it in the bin. Bad. Angry. Instead I sit quietly and resent her. Also bad.


You tell her respectfully that it upsets you. If you and your wife use this program, you will learn to not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other spouse. It will become second nature.

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The counselor was great. My wife started with "my ideal childhood" and ended up realising how angry and destructive her mother is. Her mother dislikes women, including her own daughters. My wife spent her life hiding inside a wall of anger, but is visibly moving past this. I'm very proud of her. What's crazy is how well she hid her anger behind a false persona. The book "toxic parents" left her sobbing in tears, chapter after chapter. And yes, I believe she's particularly sensitive to anger, stonewalling as a defense against her mother.


Hoping that the childhoods can be left where they belong: in the past. Dr. Harley finds that to be a distraction from adult problems.

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I chatted to her today. She thinks an hour late OK, I couldn't get her to tell me a lateness that wasn't OK. But to me it's something that causes me pain and embarrassment once I'm more than 30 minutes late, I feel I'm now being rude to the hosts. It's also not about the number, for some it's 5 minutes, for some it's 5 hours. I really hope to find a way for my wife to recognize my pain without blowing it off as ridiculous.


Instead of telling her she is wrong, which is disrespectful, ask her to stop doing it because it upsets you. She should not upset you and you should stop blowing up at her and giving her lectures. Our program would teach you how to eliminate love busters and how to negotiate mutual decisions that make you both happy. The goal of the policy of joint agreement is to never do anything that makes the other person unhappy.

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So how do I set the boundaries? How do I know if my boundaries are reasonable or I'm over-reacting? How do I protect my boundaries in the moment without anger?


Learn how to use the policy of joint agreement and eliminate all love busters. Instead of "setting boundaries," learn to negotiate decisions that make you BOTH happy. This is not about your boundaries or her boundaries, but about finding decisions that make you both happy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101