`Hi, I dont know if there is any more hope for me. Please i need advice if what to do and not to do. I believe Im married with a narcissist. Is there any hope for me to ever be able to live with such a person. Can they really change if they want too. I have been married for 30 years with 3 children ages 22, 20 and 16. and our marriage looking back has not be a healthy one. I suppose I kept hoping that one day hubby would change. For years I have known that he was in pornography. I never confronted him in the earlier years cause I had no proof. But I knew he did it. There are many other issues etc regarding our marriage. After 30 years of an unhealthy relationship there is a lot of garbage. 2 years ago he left and I found this website. We had some counciling sessions with Steve what was fantastic. One mistake I took hubby back too soon. For the 1aste 3 months it was just great. Altho looking back again he never did the emotional needs quaetionary in a complete way. The only thing I really got from him was that I had to be more open and honest about things. (mainly about money). After 3 months we stopped Steves councilling and I wanted to do keep going with the online counceling for a year. Cause is was well needed. We have problems communicating and cant even get over the 1 rule of negotiating. I have to listen to him and I done it over and over but as soon as i disagree or try to communicate to find a solution he wont listen to me. we get an arugment and he says we always arguing while I keep saying no we just disagree and we need to find a solution. He is controling and things have to go his way. He is not open and honest to me and still hiding things from me. The problem is he doesnt communicate in a healthy way unless its about his plans what are unrealistic and out of reach at this stage. I have to mention he has been unumployed for the last 4 years now. What doesnt help but has brought things to the service cause his work kept him from living a realistic live as a husband and father. Last september things exploded and we are now seperated again. The children dont really want to see him even tho i keep encouraging them. The last they heard from him was the 1 of Jan. And so did I. In the begin he was snooping around and it upset me too much cause he just came looked for things and left. Never wanted to help or do something for me. So I told him if he wants to come to let me know first and dont just come as you please. He knows all my emotional needs and he doesnt do any of them because of his hatred towards me. Yesterday is the first time I heard from him with a text saying this about our daughter who is deciding to go to a bible college next month what is not confirmed yet.
"I have to hear from people in the street that daughter is going to university to study music. That is great and encouriging and i am glad for her. I just seen her at work and wanted to know why she didnt speak to me about it, being her father. She said that it was not confirmed yet and that i dont communicate. I know that you poison our children against me and that you do not encourage them to come and see or speak with me. I know its you who blames me for not communicating and say to them "why shoulkd they or you communicate with me, he left us. And those kind of words. I hope you are happy with the results. You blame me, and you do it yourself, great. "

I was at work at the time of the text arriving but found out later that my daughter also got text messages after wards at work saying why dont you come and see me I only live 5 min down the road. While she said why dont you come and see me. you know where I live and you dont communicate with me and my brother either. And he said that he was not welcome here by me. I did also notice in the email that he thinks she is going to university what is very important to him cause the children all have to achieve high for them to be accepted but if he knew she was going to a bible college to a certain one (doctrinal difference) he would not be so happy. On the contrary.
So I prob should of come here earlier cause I need to take some actions and I dont know what to do. BTW I did not reply to his text. As tempting as it is. When we did our counceling with Steve he mentioned at some stage that he had a lot of personal issues. I just want to know if this marriage is still able to work. Im willing to give it another 100%. Please what to do!!!!
foreverhopefull

Change thd locks and go into plan B.
If he is serious about changing, which is a long shot, he can talk to your IM.
Your children are adults if I understand that right. Don't tell them to have contact with their father if he i really such a toxic person, let them decide for themselves.

Maybe you can contact Steve Harley if dou have counseled with him, to ask for his opinion. And read the article on this website "when to call it quits".

Has there been any marriages saved from someone with this condition tho? Yes plan B is what I am going to do. Cant change locks here and doesnt matter as he doesnt have a key. But at this stage I cant have a session with Steve as financial it is just not possible. wish I could tho. So needing some support. I did read also when to call it quits. Sigh. Its so painful all.

Yes, but your husband has to be committed to changing and actively taking steps to change. Given that he has counseled with Steve and nothing has changed, you should prepare for a separation. Either he will get serious, or you will be free from him.

Do you have a job? What steps will you need to take to separate?

Yes I do have a job but it is only part time. I have a 16 year old son homeschooling and a 20 year old daughter who works. We are seperated at the moment. Im in the process of writing a letter B to him and step back. He is not in a good place with himself. He says he is a "christian"but his fruit shows otherwise. I try not to dwell on it all and try to think of positive things. Thats all I can do. Is that correct?

Have you read this?
How to Plan B CORRECTLY

I've been dealing with living with a narcissist for 12 years. I met my husband at 19 and got back together with him after almost 30 years later. They say hindsight is 20/20 and if I would have paid attention to what went wrong the first time, I would have never married him. He lies about simple things, never shows empathy to anyone and is so bigoted (I'm mixed race) that even my friends don't know why I stay with him. I had 2 beautiful dogs that I had to give away because they did not behave "perfectly" for him. He has alienated every friend he has ever made and now he says I'm his only friend. Our relationship for the last 10 years has been more as roommates because he has no interest in sex. 10 years is a long time and I have not had an affair yet even though I've have offers from guys that I train with. I'm in very good shape and am friendly so there are no traits that would make me less appealing. No matter who is at fault, I am always blamed for anything that happens. I was just blamed for putting an extra spoon in his bowl even though I was nowhere near it. This sounds callous, but if I didn't think he would die soon and I'd have access to the retirement account we have built, I would have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.

Wouldn't you have access to the retirement account if you divorced? I don't know where you live, but in my country there is consideration of pension provision when a marriage ends.