Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.

While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.

So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together.

This is very good advice. The problem though is that I DO find my wife to be incredibly beautiful. I've always thought she was so adorable and sweet and sexy...I married her because I loved everything about her. I don't want another woman. I know that my problem with pornography is another form of infidelity, like Jesus says "That whosoever looketh. on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart." So while I say I never want another woman other than my wife, my actions in the past have said differently. I know how much damage I have done to the woman who I claim to love more than anything else in my life. I just want to allow her some way to live a happy life again. I want her to know she is beautiful. I want her to know she isn't worthless. I want her to know she is the most valuable person to me in my entire life.