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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I really need to say to him, I am enjoying spending time with you but want you to know that in order for us to live together again I would have to be married.

There is another thing you need to say too. Here is your first post

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
He use to binge drink a lot at weekends and lie in bed all morning whilst I was up with the kids at night and then still going in the morning.

He was binge drinking all night, remember? This is someone for whom alcohol has become a poison. He needs to go through AA before you agree to marry him. An alcoholic can become a dry drunk for an extended period but eventually he will go back to it because he has not faced his demons.

You can do this Cool. Not just for you but for your children.


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Read your other thread. Came across this post on how controlling and manipulative he can be. Not to hurt you, but to warn you not to go back if he manipulates you into making him feel better at your expense. Or, like you wrote, if he manipulates you to 'behave yourself'.

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
More thoughts on how controlling he was in the relationship and getting annoyed with myself for feeling so desperate over him. Girl do you like being abused?

So much stuff that was difficult to figure out when I was with him but seems much clearer now. It all started when I wanted a 3rd baby and he said no. I guess thats when he first thought I have something I can hold over her? I understand how everyone has choices but it was the heartless way he did it, almost goading me, if you'd have had SF with me more ect then you would have had that. So my giver went overboard to prove my love to him. He would walk into a room and pick up a baby and start cuddling it and making a fuss of little children, knowing how much I wanted another. He even said to me once if you would behave yourself you would have the lounge extension by now. I think he got so use to having power over me it made him really cocky almost I can do what the hell I want as I know she is sat at home waiting for me. Well not anymore!

There are a lot of things becoming clearer - how obssessed he was about getting both DS and DD into football - I even think that was his way of having control over them!

I have also started going into the office a bit more now, which I have actually enjoyed. He hated me going into the office, said he hated the company I worked for bit it was because I was around other men and he got very jealous and insecure.

I remember lying in bed having lots of heart palpitations and really bad anxiety when I was around him. I even went to the doctor to see if it was early menopause. BF even told me that something is not quite right with you.

If he hasn't changed, please don't let him in.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hey BrainHurts and Living Well

So pleased you found my thread smile

OK here goes my letter reviewed and approved by Dr Harley;;


Dear BF

Your affair has made living with you the most painful experience of my life. I could also not tolerate your drinking or your anger, and all of those things together was the reason I wanted us to separate.

I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My sister will agree to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

If you can prove your affair is over, have stopped drinking and are in some anger management program, then we could see start dating again. If you wanted to live with me again then you would have to marry me first.

I loved our life together, I have never felt so contented. You were everything to me successful, fun, father of our children and I never so much looked at another man. All I ever wanted for the future was for all four of us to be together and have a wonderful life. I remember once you said 'i hope we are buried together' and thats how I saw it too.

I loved you since I first met you and still do now, but cannot go back to how it was.

Love CoolB

Your plan B letter. Did he do anything you asked?

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Hi there

Another quick update. I have spending lots of time with BF both with the kids and on our own once they are in bed.

Something still does not sit right with me.

I don’t feel like he is particularly remorseful about the affair, his words were his head was turned but it ‘was nothing’. That he met up with her once after work. He also said things were so awful between us that’s why I had the affair. This is an emotional affair that has been going on for months and he expects me to believe he met up with her once?

Also he mentioned to me how awful it had been the last few years. He said that we just did not get on and the issues such as:

1 me wanting the kids to go to private school
2. I wanted a third child
3 I wanted to get married

I mean really?! Are they such awful things for me to have desires such as these?!

So today when the kids were indoors watching a film and we were sat outside, I told him that I still felt that he hadn’t been honest about how often he had met up with the other woman and how I don’t feel like he is remorseful about what happened. That unless he is willing to be open and honest with me there is no point him coming round here.

He then did the usual which was to get angry and start saying things like I am not going to put up with this for the rest of my life with you keep going on about it.

So I am back to square one I guess. He needs to come clean with me about what actually happened and realise how much it hurt me before he comes back round here.




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Why is it whenever I have a voice or opinion or concern he gets angry with me?

Why would someone say it’s an issue because you have a desire for something?

It’s like be quiet be happy with what you have an don’t ask for anything!

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So he wants to reconcile/move back in after his affair, but only if you stop nagging about a future together and don't do the same terrible things that made him have the affair in the first place.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
So he wants to reconcile/move back in after his affair, but only if you stop nagging about a future together and don't do the same terrible things that made him have the affair in the first place.

Pretty much.

What I really want to say to him if it was so awful then what are you doing back here?

He actually said we don’t get on and we have tried counselling. He was always the one who wanted to go to counselling not me. We did go but the counsellor would give us suggestions, she picked up on the fact that I found it difficult to communicate with him about ‘issues’ as he would explode and start shouting. That could be about anything that would irritate him. That is why so often I gave up.

He is here again today, we are barely speaking. This time he bought me ice cream and eggs. I have lost my voice again.

I just can’t communicate with him. I am scared to say anything to him as it sets him off.

I am also so fed up of people who I haven’t heard of for ages contacting me to find out the gossip. What do I tell them? Mind your own business I haven’t heard from you for 6 months.



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Coolbeginnings I had been wondering about you and your family and am so grateful it sounds like you are all healthy and well. Did your bf meet the terms of your Plan B letter? This is what you had decided you would need to move forward together. Do you still feel that way? He sounds like a bully that has pushed you into a different arrangement that leaves you feeling bad. I don’t think you can build a relationship based on mutual care that way, by going along with this plan. I think you and your family deserve that.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I just can’t communicate with him. I am scared to say anything to him as it sets him off.

Why are you afraid of him?


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Hi LivingWell

Because one of the thing BF says that went wrong in the relationship is that we didn’t get on. Normal cycle is that we would talk about something if he didn’t like it or disagreed would get angry lose his temper and start shouting.

If I wanted to get my point across then I would have to raise my voice too. At the end of the relationship I gave up raising anything because I wanted to show him that we did get on and I didn’t want to cause a row frown

Also the cycle after the row would be we both would quiet and distant on each other. Sometimes for days and even weeks. He is not just like this with me, it would be with other people too.

I am not afraid of him physically, he has never touched me in the 9 years we have been together.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 04/15/20 05:25 AM.
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Seems to me you want him to care.

His actions don't show care.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Seems to me you want him to care.

His actions don't show care.

In this respect he doesn’t but whilst he has been round the house he is trying to show he cares. For example, showing concern over a bad hand I have and offering to take the kids out for an hour walk so I can get some time to relax. He is also getting lots of jobs round the house for me.

Problem I have is something just doesn’t feel right in my heart. I know that I am settling really and there are things I can’t even say to him. It’s difficult because I don’t want to raise things with him during the day when the kids are awake in case it turns into an argument, but then he usually leaves once the kids are in bed and heads home so I would have to call him in the evening.

I want to call him tonight and say I don’t feel like you are particularly remorseful about the affair, that you blame it on how bad things were between us? But I know that he will get angry that I am still going on about it and he will probably put the phone down on me and it will return to Plan B. Also I feel I need to reiterate to him that I will never live with him again unless he was married and he will probably laugh in my face.

It’s just a total disaster really. If I assert myself he will just lose his temper and if I don’t I am left with this unsettling feeling that we are wasting our time being with each other.

He has basically told me that we are spending time together to see how we get on before he moves back in. I have told him conversations need to be had before that happens!

I want to ring him tonight and tell him that I feel he is not remorseful at all about the affair! Any thoughts please?

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I have had enough I think he is taking the absolute mickey out of me!!

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Seems to me you want him to care.

His actions don't show care.


With an addict, his drug is always his first love.


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I just read on old post of Living_well to a poster called Dajavude.

It said when your first marriage was failing, XH would show up every evening with flowers. That you got to the point of feeling sick if he turned up with another flower. That it felt to you that the flowers were his way of avoiding the real work of building a relationship of extraordinary care.

This is how I feel when BF brings gifts. I get a lot of gifts, today I got a brownie and he is bringing me a crab for dinner tonight! Every time I get a gift I feel the same. It’s worse on birthdays / Christmas was he spends a lot of money on me I am thinking where is my ring???? When are you really going to commit to me?? I really want to say take the gift back buy me something that means something.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 04/16/20 09:03 AM.
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So BF had the children overnight at his place last night, he brought them back in the afternoon then went back home to do some work.

Whilst he was at his house dear son was telling me that BF shouted at him a few times. It is a real problem at the moment that DS really dislikes his father and does not want to go round there. I just feel BF is really hard on DS and picks on him. DS is 7 years old and is quite a hard work child prone to lots of tantrums, every so often he needs pulling in a little and then seems to revert to good behaviour. However, I feel that BF is very hard on him.

BF came back round later and him and DS were arguing again, BF stayed had some dinner then went to leave.

I had a conversation with him when he went to the car and kids were sat watching TV. I wanted to talk to him about how i dont feel he has been completely honest about the other woman and how he doesnt seem to be at all remorseful about the situation. This is how it went....

I said to BF that I am finding this situation really strange and he agreed with me and said it was and felt that perhaps we had jumped straight in and maybe that wasnt such a good idea and that he was backing off a little and perhaps coming over every other night! That the situation was strange with the pandemic and we were thrown together. He then started to launch into how he feels and that half our problems stem from our sons behaviour. That he wanted a simple life without any aggro. That he is finding work really stressful at the moment and he is worried about the long term implications. He also said that we disagree on how to bring up our son and that I am too soft with him. I then said I am disciplining him most days and not sure how he could say that. Already I felt again like I was trying to talk to him about how i felt and ended up me listening to him. Also mentioned that he heard me laughing and joking on a work conference call with other men and that we never do that. I told him that maybe it would be a good idea to revert back to our previous arrangement if this is how he felt. Anyway, I did manage to tell him that if he was going to come round here that he would have to be more transparent with his phone and stop all this contact with other women. He then started to tell me how insecure I was and drove off. I shook my head and walked inside.

So I guess I am back to Plan B....

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I am feeling more relieved that I tried to have a discussion with him. I was not comfortable at all having him around.

Having these few weeks with no contact with BF made me get old my self back a bit and makes you realise your own self worth again. Him coming back has made me realise that I put up with a lot of bad behaviour as I didn’t really feel like I had a choice.

He didn’t really make much effort with me at all, he did initially to get me to spend time with him, as soon as he did it went back to how it was before.

Now I do have a choice and I know I will be just fine without him, if not better off with the way he treats me.

He has come back EXPECTING us to reconcile, that he thinks he has done nothing wrong and his affair was a result of our poor relationship. He Is treating this period as time to ‘see how it goes’ before moving back in.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 04/16/20 02:39 PM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I just read on old post of Living_well to a poster called Dajavude.

It said when your first marriage was failing, XH would show up every evening with flowers. That you got to the point of feeling sick if he turned up with another flower. That it felt to you that the flowers were his way of avoiding the real work of building a relationship of extraordinary care.

As it happens, I don't think my XH was capable of building a relationship of extraordinary care. For you, I sense there is more chance. For example my XH would never have moved out in a million years.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I really want to say take the gift back buy me something that means something.

So what is stopping you from saying exactly that?


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
He didn’t really make much effort with me at all, he did initially to get me to spend time with him, as soon as he did it went back to how it was before.<snip>

He has come back EXPECTING us to reconcile, that he thinks he has done nothing wrong and his affair was a result of our poor relationship. He Is treating this period as time to ‘see how it goes’ before moving back in.

Your BF is very consistent. He has said all along that he expects to go back to the way things were. The problem with very driven and determined people is that they do not easily change. You have done nothing to shake him out of his belief that he will win meaning come back without changing a thing.

What is your plan? If you keep going like this you will hate him, damage your children and become ill.


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Thank you Living_Well

I guess my plan is to go back to Plan B, he was suppose to be coming over later today to spend time with us but that won’t be happening. I am certainly not having him in the house.

I am really concerned about his boundaries around women. There is this strange thing he does which is befriend attractive married/attached women. It just has to stop before he can start coming round here. I am not sure why he does this, for his ego?

For example, he got really friendly with another married woman who I am also friends with through been school governors and said he has been to her house to do yoga with her and her husband (which was backed up by what I saw on his phone). I told him that it is inappropriate and he said he is doing a ‘bit of business with her husband’.

I also have another very attractive female friend that needed some building work on her and her partners house. He started getting involved in that too and struck up a relationship with her and her partner. She is totally in love with her partner, and then BF said again that he gets on really well with her partner and he is making money out of the project.

It’s just odd behaviour it’s like he is making excuses to be around attractive looking women.

I told him yesterday that he needs to stop all this before he spends time here with me and the kids.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 04/17/20 04:11 AM.
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