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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
How about this. Plan, get your IM in place and write the plan B letter in which you include rehab. Rehab is not negotionable, for the safety of your children.

Don't tell him during a conversation, if he knows how to play you. Take the steering wheel firm in your own hands, you set the course. If he wants to ride along, make sure he knows what the requirements are. Don't wait for him to do something you react on, but make your plan and act accordingly. Protect yourself from making your old mistakes, don't let him play you.

Talking to/with him never got you the results you wanted, he moved a bit with you and then steered to his own route again. Strategize, plan, implement.

My pull is for the children. I am protecting them but at the same time scared of taking their Dad away from them.

My DS said on the school run this morning, Mum, Daddy has the same christmas decoration up in his house from last year, it just shows how long he has been there! I said to Daddy that Mummy has asked you to come home, and he said that Daddy replied saying she has never asked me to come home.

I am going to speak to him, i need to put my big pants on. Then once and for all I will know what he chooses to do. Dr Harley said that i wrote a very good plan b letter, and everytime I contact him he says in his American accent (love it), just follow the letter and everything will be fine. SO I can just resend him the letter again smile


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
My pull is for the children. I am protecting them but at the same time scared of taking their Dad away from them.

You do not want to be scared of keeping your children away from an alcoholic drug addict. Children internalise everything. When he has a mood swing they think it is their fault. Even worse is the damage done to them when he suddenly turns on you. They are far better off having no father than this trauma. It will give them massive lifelong anxiety that will start to appear as they hit puberty.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Dr Harley said that i wrote a very good plan b letter, and everytime I contact him he says in his American accent (love it), just follow the letter and everything will be fine. SO I can just resend him the letter again smile

Does the letter include the specific requirement for rehab? If it does not, do not resend. He will simply roll his eyes. It has to look and feel quite different this time.


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Sugar thanks for clarifying what I was trying to say. Cool how about reaching out to Dr. H again too if you are still unclear. I always feel more clear and settled after communicating with him. Listening to the radio show regularly is awesome too to keep that resolve, seeing folks make the changes in their lives.


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I rang BF, chatted about sons school report (which was fantastic despite all the chaos). I then suggested that we need to have a chat. He agreed and said how about tomorrow?

It makes me sick to the stomach that I initiated this again. ITs high time he came to me.

I am not even sure what I am going to say to him.

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You initiated the conversation, so you are in control. It is not going to be a discussion, you will lay out the map and what route you are willing to take. If he wants to take a wrong turn, let him know that your route is set and he knows what it takes to join you.

He has faked to invest in the relationship with boattrips and presents, but never put in the effort to really make it work. Don't be fooled if he is trying to buy you without doing the work. Do not negotiate. Either he is on board, or you are on this route without him. The safety of your children is not negotionable.

One of the guys at my work told he stopped being a fool after he woke up while his 3y/o son tried to drink from left over beer bottles, while he had fallen asleep after using marijuana.
You won't want your children to lick up 'sugar'.

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Emphasis: your initiative, you are in control, you stay in control.

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Morning guys

Just processing everything.

He called yesterday to speak to the kids and I. I had a very brief polite chat with him and passed the phone to the kids. I can hardly face talking to him anymore.

He has not slept under the same roof as his children for 2 weeks now. He has not yet asked for them to stay at his house overnight but he will. He has seen them both for a total of 3 hours this week. Worried about the kids and how they are affected by this, they seem ok actually, I don’t know what to say to them.

I haven’t been out of an evening for ages. I am feeling so lonely. I was suppose to be seeing some girlfriends tonight. Was just thinking of asking for someone to babysit for a few hours or do I get him to have them?!

I have spent so much time obsessing about the relationship all my needs have gone to one side.


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I am not sure I can send him a legal letter denying access and all that stuff. I just think I need to move to Plan B send him a letter. I think your right he knows how to play me when he talks to me.

I think I will send him the rehab letter and send him the kids schedule

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Sounds like a great plan, feel free to post a draft here and we can help


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Hi All

So basically BF has tried to ‘worm his way back in’ like he normally does without addressing the issues. He has been texting non stop. He ended up coming round yesterday and sitting in the house for a few hours.

I went out with some girlfriends last night and he found out that I had a babysitter, he got so mad and immediately asked who babysat. He said he sat at home on his own and could have had the kids, I told him that I tried to speak to him about agreeing a schedule and would like that in place first. He then started to say you just let me know I can have the kids. What he is really mad about is that I went out with the girls. Control freak!!!

So I tried to talk to him again today and he didn’t really want to. Mainly wanted to tell him about rehab and put a stop to all this coming and going. So I said I need to talk to you and then he just blurted out it sounds like you have already made up your mind about us, by the sounds of it. Then he said he feels like he is at the end of it he just wants a quiet life and none of this grief, that there were never any drugs in the house, he wouldn’t do that and it’s just me over thinking everything ‘as always’. It had me believing that maybe he was right and that there weren’t any drugs that I phoned a friend who gave me a wake up call.

I don’t understand any of this. At all, there is no sense or logic. HE insisted the kids stay here without any overnights at his, but continued to keep his house in the week and then his family at weekends. He could have just moved on and had the children, but HE insisted keeping me in the loop too. With what purpose?!

I need to send him the Plan B letter, change the locks, get legal advice and move on.




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Cool, you can do this hon. You can show your kids how to do this. You haven’t gotten legal advice yet? I would suggest that one step for today, it will give you the sense of calm knowing what your rights and your kids rights are for all the rest. And also how best to protect them and yourself.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I don’t understand any of this. At all, there is no sense or logic. HE insisted the kids stay here without any overnights at his, but continued to keep his house in the week and then his family at weekends. He could have just moved on and had the children, but HE insisted keeping me in the loop too. With what purpose?!

An addict tries to have both his addiction and his family. It is your job to make it absolutely clear to him that the two are mutually exclusive.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I need to send him the Plan B letter, change the locks, get legal advice and move on.

The next communication he should receive is a very ugly letter from your solicitor. That might make him realise he cannot have both.


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Originally Posted by living_well
An addict tries to have both his addiction and his family. It is your job to make it absolutely clear to him that the two are mutually exclusive.

Is he really that much of an addict? Admittedly I found the 'coke' remnants on the side 3 weeks in a row. Can just that cause all this chaos? It is really the addiction that his keeping his own place alongside minimal effort to reconcile? Or just that he likes his 'freedom'?

I wont let him have the kids overnight anyway. I would need a hair drugs test back showing he is clean. I did some research into this on line and the legal area in this is sketchy i was so surprised. Something along the lines that if the drugs use is not affecting them too much then there is not much you can do! What the hell ?!

Had a terrible fright with DS, he has been having stomach pains so I was rushed to hospital with suspected appendicitis. He is ok thank goodness. That has pretty much hijacked my week.

I am AMAZED at how BF has not spent hardly anytime with the children. He hasn't had DD sleep under the same roof as him for over 2 weeks. The bizarre thing is, he is not showing any distress at all about that, at least not to me anyway. I guess I have been holding out for the chance to have a conversation with him. Which I know would be a complete waste of time and would probably end up causing me more distress.

The children are so confused with whats going on. I really need to draw a line in the sand. I need to be in PLan B DARK and protect me from his cake eating ways. I am frightened as SugarCane pointed out at never giving the children the family they so deserve. I am also in denial about his drug use. BF is constantly texting me and he is very panicked about what is going on. He is waiting for me to break though.

I have never been this cold blooded about BF. He literally makes my stomach turn at what he has put his children through. I actually think he is so full of himself and delusions of grandeur that he wants me to beg him to come back.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 12/09/20 08:36 AM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Is he really that much of an addict? Admittedly I found the 'coke' remnants on the side 3 weeks in a row. Can just that cause all this chaos?

Certainly can. And he is also an alcoholic.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
The children are so confused with whats going on. I really need to draw a line in the sand. I need to be in PLan B DARK and protect me from his cake eating ways. I am frightened as SugarCane pointed out at never giving the children the family they so deserve. I am also in denial about his drug use. BF is constantly texting me and he is very panicked about what is going on. He is waiting for me to break though.

and you are back in that loop

Originally Posted by Sugar Cane
CB - the loop is the endless cycle where you wonder why he does not push to get you back, why you aren't on his social media, why he seems happy to live alone, why he isn't pushing for marriage, and whether you deserve better, what would become of the kids if you end the relationship for good, being glad that he took you out on the boat and you had a nice time, being glad when he appears to be sober for days, then doubting everything all over again when he is moody and withdrawn. You doubt whether you should issue an ultimatum about drink and drugs, because if he fails it, could you actually live without him?....and on and on, over and over.

I'm not disparaging you for this because I know why you do it and I've done it myself. Your love for your children makes it hard for you to contemplate making a decision that you will never live with BF again -a decision that will have a profound impact on their lives, for ever. I grew up as the child of divorced parents, and because of the financial hardship and also - much worse - the emotional derangement that it caused to my mother, with horrifying effects for us children, I did all I could to avoid taking a decision to divorce when all the chaos was going on in my marriage. The greater difficulty for you than I faced is that BF has not taken any steps to end the chaos in your relationship and punishes you when you try to address it - which leads us to NED's second point.

If you can convey the non-negotiable requirement for him to go to rehab, and if he accepts it, you will know that he is serious about protecting you and the kids.

Now, he might not be willing to accept the requirement, and thus you will have your answer about whether to sustain the relationship. But you can't get an answer if you won't even state the requirement; face-to-face or in a letter.


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I am just going to say how I feel.



I really don't know how it has ended up being like this. The last year has been a living nightmare and I keep thinking its not actually happening and I am going to wake up, but I don't. Everytime I look at their innocent little faces I just think that they deserve so much better. This time of year should be us going Christmas shopping together for the kids and putting up decorations and having a good time and getting ready for a family ski holiday. We have it all, a great chemistry you and I, 2 beautiful children, a beautiful home and your successful business and most importantly we are all healthy.



This situation we are in now is so confusing for us all. Even the situation we were in being 'together' but living separately was horrible. The kids would ask is Daddy coming tonight and I would never know for sure. Although I know the separation was the right thing to do, you never said you wanted to come home at all, not once. I thought when you moved out in Jan this year, that I was setting you free as you you just weren't in love with me anymore. I kind of accepted it and expected you just to do your own thing, meet someone else ect. Then you came back, seemingly distressed from being away from your family wanting to be together again.



Now I feel as though we have messed the kids around again, they are so confused they don't know what is going on. You might not get it but I do, CS cries when I tell him you are not going to be at home tonight, and DD cries when she asks is Daddy going to be Christmas Eve Mummy? It is probably my worst nightmare to ever happen to me. Words just don't comprehend. I feel like I have let them down.



So we are in a loop. The loop is the endless cycle where I wonder why you do not push to get me back, why I am not on your social media, why you seem happy to live away from us, why you aren't pushing for marriage, what would become of the kids if we end the relationship for good, being glad that you took me out on the boat and we had a nice time, being glad when your sober for days, being glad that there is no anger or shouting, and then doubting everything all over again when you are moody and withdrawn.


My love for the children makes it hard to contemplate making a decision that I will never live with you again - a decision that will have a profound impact on their lives, for ever. We grew up as the child of divorced parents, and because of the financial hardship for your mother and also - much worse - the emotional derangement that it caused to our parents, with horrifying effects for us children. It seems all I am doing is avoiding taking a decision to end this for good while all this chaos is going on. The greater difficulty for me is that when I try to take steps to end the chaos in our relationship you seem to punish me when I try to address it.


Would you stop drinking (and taking drugs)? and if you can't stop then would you agree to talk to someone? I would like to be there with you and support you if you choose to do so. If you wont do it for me will you do it for the children?



I am hoping you see that this is the great act of care that someone can do for you.


I love you


CoolB


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Plan B ish lettter

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It’s a terrible letter I know will try again

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Dear BF

I love you and our family so very much.

But if we are going to make this work you need to stop drinking (& taking drugs). You also need to get to the bottom of the addictions and get some help whilst doing this. If you agree to do this then I will support you every step of the way and continue to be a family.

If you won’t stop / get help then we must end things and I will avoid seeing or talking to you.

Love

Cool



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It’s not terrible. His denial is going to be so bad based on what you’ve quoted from him and you have not asked for specific action in your letter other that quitting, which he may do a few times a week when he sees the kids who knows. Dr. H has specific experience in this and I think could help you with a letter that would help you protect your family better.


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The key is not the stop and quit. They key is to go to rehab when he slips. But you don’t want to ask for that. Maybe you haven’t been to the attorney yet and are afraid? The attorney usually gives a free initial consultation so your BF won’t know unless you tell him. I understand your fear.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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