I found out about 6 weeks ago that my wife has been having an affair. I had actually suspected it for about 4 months (which is about how long it has gone on), but I confronted her six weeks ago. I feel that I am dying on the inside, if not already dead. She says that she has passion for him that she never had for me. I tell myself that it is infatuation and that it will go away. I tell myself that she is too smart to throw away our 7 years of marriage and devastate are 3 children, not to mention our extended families. I tell myself that she will get over it. But she continues to say that she doesn't think she can live without the passion. I love her dearly, have never been mean to her, provide a good house, etc. At this point I just want her to stay with me, regardless of what else is going on. I can't sleep, food has no taste, music carries no solace, and I cannot concentrate long enough to read anything. I am having tremendous difficulties at work, because I cannot focus, and my only respite is when I spend time with my kids. I anticipate the end of the day with such optimism so that I can go home, foolishly thinking that something will have changed. She is currently still living with me, but sneaks to see him when she can. She is miserable about the whole thing too, but cannot leave him behind. I realize that the six weeks for which I have suffered are only a short period in terms of many of other people's situations, but the last six weeks has been longer than the preceeding 33 years of my life. CAn anyone offer encouragement or am I destined to misery?<BR>

Welcome <B>VAR</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>YOU ARE NOT ALONE!<P>What feelings you describe are universal to all betrayed spouses...<P>Some ideas...<P>1. see a doctor about prescribed anti-depressant medication<P>2. Read all you can at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P>3. Start on a real hardcore <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...see the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>... learn about <B>PTC</B>!<P>4. If at all possible...go for a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>5. Stay here on the forum... for comfort and solace.<P>6. Consider in your situation whether immediate protection of the your children...<BR>...is needed... financially... perhaps emotionally!<P> <P>Jim

Hi, VAR.<P>It's not infatuation, and it won't just go away.<P>Your wife is getting some very important needs met by this man, and that is the source of her "passion." Because he is doing such a great job of meeting her needs, she feels tremendous love/passion for him. She can't get enough of him!<P>Emotional needs are the strongest force in the universe! Yes, she will throw everything away just to keep having them met. She's not going to "get over it," those needs will be with her for life.<P>The good news is - anyone can meet them! It doesn't have to be this man, it can be you! Love is so conditional, in just the right conditions, she can have that same passion for you that she feels for the OM right now. In fact, you have a couple advantages, your marriage, your family, your past.<P>I think it is time for Plan A, big time. Remember, Plan A is about changing *you*, not her. Yes, she's the one who had an affair, but you helped to create the climate for her affair.<P>You can do this! And we are here for you.

I appreciate your response. I am so desperate I just need to have someone to hold my hand through this. Everything I read on this site keeps talking about Plan A and B, but I don't find an adequate description of Plan A in order to put it into effect. I have ordered the book (Surviving an Affair), but I've yet to receive it, so I don't yet know the details. Last night she told me that if it wasn't for the children she would already have left. I don't know how much time I have left. Please help me. Summarize Plan A for me and I will do all I can.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WorthItForEternity:<BR><B>Hi, VAR.<P>It's not infatuation, and it won't just go away.<P>Your wife is getting some very important needs met by this man, and that is the source of her "passion." Because he is doing such a great job of meeting her needs, she feels tremendous love/passion for him. She can't get enough of him!<P>Emotional needs are the strongest force in the universe! Yes, she will throw everything away just to keep having them met. She's not going to "get over it," those needs will be with her for life.<P>The good news is - anyone can meet them! It doesn't have to be this man, it can be you! Love is so conditional, in just the right conditions, she can have that same passion for you that she feels for the OM right now. In fact, you have a couple advantages, your marriage, your family, your past.<P>I think it is time for Plan A, big time. Remember, Plan A is about changing *you*, not her. Yes, she's the one who had an affair, but you helped to create the climate for her affair.<P>You can do this! And we are here for you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Do reread my post to you...<P>...especially point #3 links...<P>===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>... and<BR>===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post has lots of other great links too!<P> <P>Jim

VAR<BR>NEEDS. My W also had an affair ( an EA, not a PA) I caught it in time. it was close!<BR>We discovered what emotional needs are, we didn't have a clue before. We read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I think they have here, if not Barnes & Noble does. Plus Harley book His needs, Her needs was critical. She is addicted to the buzz feelings she gets w/ him. The thrill.... you can begin to replace those emotions...if she is willing. I too was unable to work for almost 3 months,I was useless at work, thank God I had an understanding boss. TIme does heal. We made it and are much stronger because of the Emotional Affair she had. I even talk to the OM occassionally. His marriage is better, but his W never knew. Mistake I wish I hadn't made. If I had to do it over again, I would tell his wife right away. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc

My advice to you is not to sit still while this affair is going on. If need be follow her or tape her phone calls to find out who this joker is. The chances are that this man will run like hell once her finds out that you know who he is. If he is single he is not going to be interested in getting saddled with 3 children and if he is married he is not going to leave his wife and family. A woman expects her man to fight for her. If you go along with her affair as if nothing is happening she will loose any remaining respect for you. I would recommend that you use a love tough approach that you can read about in the book by Dr.J.Dobson "Love Must be Tough". You cannot tolerate her behaviour and expect her to respect you. The reasons that she has tried to keep this affair secret is because she knows the negative consequences it will have on her marriage and children. Plan A will only work if she stops all contact with the OM. Best wishes..max

to max<BR>I know who the OM is. It is the Father of my son's best friend. I have already confronted the two of them together. His wife left him about 2 years ago after carrying on an affair for 3 years. She is no longer with her OM. The big difficulty I have is that my son wants to spend time with his son. My wife then goes to pick him up, and is there for 2 hours, while I wait at home with my two girls. I think that this spending time that she does at that time is at least as damaging as the times when she is out at night at his house and having the physical part of the affair. I feel that spending time with him in the light of day with our son and his son around makes it a more real part of her life than if it was all secretive. I want to put my foot down and say "I'll pick our son up". She says that would be uncomfortable for both of you (me and OM). From what I understand, I'm not supposed to make demandsin Plan A, so I give in and let her go. This week OM and his son framed a picture for her. I'm not sure what the OM is thinking if he wants it secret to be giving presents to my wife, particularly with his son as an accomplice. Either his son or my son (both 12) have got to start asking soon, why is OM giving presents to W?. We have yet to discuss situation with any of the children involved. I still have her at home, and we have been enjoying each other's company. Unfortunately, right when I feel the walls between us coming down, our son asks to go to his friend's house, and she disappears with him for 2 hours to take him. By the time she comes back, I feel everything has regressed. She still sleeps in the bed with me (no sex), falls asleep holding my hand, snuggles me in the bed. All of these are things I'm giving that he doesn't, at least not every night. We went to a comedy club Sat. night and had a great time. But then Sunday, our son needed picked up. AS I said, in the spirit of making no demands in Plan A, I don't see how to restrict her. I'm doing my best to make every interaction I have with her positive, but I feel I can't compete with the newness of him. I asked my son to try to spend some time with other friends. My excuse to him was simply that more friends puts you in a better place when one of them isn't around. I worry he may bring up conversation with W. Thanks for the responses, I'll start looking at more books.<BR>

If you have clear proof that the affair with the OM is still going on than I would stop your kids from associating with his kids except at school. Time for you to put your foot down and demand that she either put you and her marriage on a higher priority or face the consequences of divorce. Remember she has a lot to loose if this happens. If she considers this man to be her soulmate and wants to be with him than tell her that you will let her go but without the primary custody of the children. In other words, she has made the choice of having the affair it will be up to her to face the consequences. Don't let her walk all your like a door mat. She will only make it worse for you.

About Plan A...you are right. When you read about it on here, you first get the feeling that you missed something because there doesn't seem to be much to it, and you wonder where the more explicit instructions are. However, it is basically about not doing Love Busters, meeting as many of her emotional needs (EN) as you can, and doing whatever you can do to be the best person, and look like a more attractive option to her when the fantasy of her affair starts to wear off. The actual steps to do are unique for each person, because only you know what you might not have been doing right, and what about you could be better in her eyes. That is my take on it, and I'm still trying to make the appropriate steps.<P>I totally understand what you are going through.<P>The stuff I know my wife said to the other man includes never having felt that way about anyone (that hurts bad), he is sooooooo passionate (hurts too), he is kind, caring, etc, and she loves him. Of course these are things she always said to me. I was absolutely sickened when I confirmed this stuff, and had all the problems you describe (eating, sleeping, etc.). I'm able to deal with it thanks to this site and the advice and understanding from everyone. Hearing from women and men that were the ones to have the affair (WS) really helps too, because many confirm that they thought the same things (true love, passion, etc.). It is like our spouses are on drugs and can't see reality. But I see that once someone thinks they are in love, thats it, they do anything to be with the person.<P>The two schools of thought are to a) be tough and kick her out, or b) Plan A and put up with the sickening aspect of knowing where she is going. I'm personally doing b, and it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But if it saves my marriage, it will be worth it. I just recently confronted (once again) that I REALLY know what is going on), so I don't know what the situation will be like for me over the next while. My wife plans on moving out in 5 weeks (approx), but I know the situation with OM isn't ideal....he has said they don't have a future. So where does that leave her? She's really confused, because "she loves him".<P>This is long enough now, so I'll stop. But you are not alone. Your wife is in the classic "fog" that you read about on here, and so is mine. I hope that the fog clears.

Using "tough love" with a betraying spouse is to shake that person up to the realization that he/she is making a choice or decision that will have negative consequences on her and the members of her family. Tough love makes the statement that the betrayed must be treated with respect and not be emotionally abused. Tough love makes the statement that the betrayer can return to the marriage but must do so with sincerity and commitment. Tough love will not force the betrayer to feel trapped in a marriage. I would urge you to read the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr.J. Dobson who elaborates further on this subject. Best wishes...max

VAR,<BR>I relate...ok. She must stay away from the OM for at least 30 days min, to 60 each is different to "break" that endorphin attraction. Is she all "giddy" and happy when she gets back or been around the OM? <BR>Back in 9/99 our D-day, my W stayed away from the OM for about 45 days, then because our two sons are on the same team, we came together and she saw him for the first time,<BR>she said it was different, not the same pull to him. We still maintain distance, rules are she cannont EVER be around him w/o out me there, no exceptions, even a year later. <BR>Constant contact with OM , she will never break the addiction to him. Its an addiction, not love, its emotional love. Was their affair a PA or an EA? Ours was an EA but still devasting. He kissed her passionately, <BR>and tried to make a PA but she resisted thank God.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

SAdly, my wife's affair is both a PA and EA. Note that I said "is". At this point she has yet to reach the point where she believes our marriage is worth saving, and as a result, continues to see the other man. She says she tries to stay away, but after about a week feels she must see him. An interesting development occurred this weekend, though. We decided we needed to talk to our 12 year old (at my insisting for several weeks) about it. We brought it up and he immediately said " I already know". It seems that he and the OM's 12 year old have both spent some time snooping around in their parents' rooms, and the careful lovers who claim "Nobody knows about it, we've been really careful", have been uncovered by a pair of 12 year old sleuths. I'm hoping this will help to put pressure on the relationship, and begin to bring it down to earth. Unfortunately, of all the things I have read since D-DAy, the one that seems most applicable is the "soulmate" type affair of Greg and SUe in "Surviving an Affair". So much of it strikes resonant chords with me, but I can only hope that it will not drag on as long as that one. One other aspect is that the OM is 13 years older than her. Mid-life crisis was brought up. Of course her response was "I am not his midlife crisis". I said, "How many midlife crisis affairs believe that they are?". At least with the discovery by the 12 year olds it changes some of the dynamics. The whole situation has been seemingly unchanging for the past several weeks, and perhaps it will begin to evolve now.

In other words, you aren't "passionate". You are an excellent provider and father. You are faithful and dependable. That's all in your favor. Now you need to add what he's doing for her and you can win.<P>Here's how to give her that "passion" along with the financial comforts you have already given her. Read these Harley articles and do them. No matter how silly or redundant it seems, do it. He is and look at how much sex and respect she's showing on him. This is serious business. Do it.<P>How to meet the need for affection <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html</A> <P>What to do when your conversation becomes boring and unpleasant <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html</A> <P>Why women leave men <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html</A> <P>Emotional Needs questionnaire <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html</A> <P>Love Busters questionnaire <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html</A> <BR>

VAR,<P>I have to agree with Max, there should be NO CONTACT between your W and the OM. Your kids will just have to deal with it. If they complain to much let your W explain it, after all she created the situation.<P>If you allow this situation to continue then your pretty much going to get what you see happening now. After all you are allowing her to have the best of both worlds.<P>You support her and the kids and provide her with a home and the OM provides her romance and sex. Hell, why should she change???<P>Understand you are at a sever disadvantage. Your busy trying to be your familiies rock while he gets to play foot loose and fancy a few hours a week. How easy would it be for you to be Mr. Perfect if you only had to wear the Mr. Perfect face a few hours a week.<P>Personally, I would have another "talk" with the OM and "explain" it in a forceful manner that it's OVER. Your W thinks this guy is Mr. Wonderful, well ask her what kind of Mr. Wonderful goes around destroying peoples lives? If he is so CONSERNED about her, why would he do this to her, you and the children.<P>It's time she takes the rose colored glasses off and grows up. If she can't do that then it's time for her to realize you aren't going to be chump enough to let it continue.