Ok, baby is still giving me fits, my basement (computer room/rec room) is completely disorganized (electronics, toys, paperwork EVERYWHERE) as I try to reorganize for my H's imminent move home....I'm behind on my web projects for 2 different clients...so my life is just a tad busy atm. Let me see if I can get at least SOME responses out though!!

Stillhers ~ You know, I just loved your response.

quote:
In bringing up POJA you really hit the heart of the matter. As I've written to CJ and others, the real key to recovery seems to me to be whether we can POJA with our partner. It's a skill and takes time to learn and develop as a habit, and it's hard to POJA until someone proves trustworthy.

In essence, I see POJA done right as being about two people who are healthy enough to be capable of independence, but are choosing interdependence. This means shared control over both lives, and means we have to be as concerned about our partner's well being as our own. It also requires respecting their opinion--we're not trying to become either a benevolent dictator or a subject, but a partner.


I think you have hit right at the crux of the matter...can he, or is he really willing...to POJA? He says so...but I have big doubts. (But, while we are on the subject of POJA - he insisted and I enthusiastically agreed that we HAD to get a broadband connection, 3 computers on a shared dialup wasn't going to work - I'm surfing at cable speeds now baby!! )

As long as control - percieved or otherwise - is a major issue between us...POJA is going to be pretty rough.

Interdependence - that's such a great word!!

You know, I find what you said about working at ENs first...I had thought we ought to approach LBs first. But, thinking about it, I think you are probably right. My biggest EN is honesty. Gee, imagine that! And we can't do ANYTHING without rebuilt trust, mine. And as I think over the last 6 months, I realize that I was probably filling quite a few of my H's ENs. I also avoided LBs...and his OW was LBing right and left. So with a combination of love of his children, a guilty conscience, and feeling encouraged that WE could rebuild....he asked to come home.

In the last couple of weeks, he's been doing little tiny things that make me think that he's starting to feel SOMETHING for me again. The phone rang a couple of minutes ago, and he said "Hey baby" when I answered...its been YEARS since I have heard that!

Guess I better put down my copy of Love Busters and go steal my His Needs Her Needs back from my friend!

As for God, well, I'll keep plugging away at my 12 steps. Maybe one day I'll get this whole trust thing. You know, it occured to me one day, while sharing at an Al-Anon meeting about 'rejection', that I had made my H into "God". And perhaps that while I have the 2 separated now, I still havent sorted out all those emotions...

Thanks for the very thought provoking reply!

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Pain is a given, misery is optional.