I'm not sure that your counselor has given you good advice in not telling your H. I think he needs to know that you are still dealing with this. If he knows that all is not right, he can help.<p>I prefer not to give out my email as i want to stay anonymous, but we can talk here.

MicheleD-<p>I agree annonymous for me too -- talking here sounds good. <p>Ok -- I'll think about the advice on not telling H. It won't be today. He may know -- he got up in the middle of the night -- he knows I'm not exactly myself w/ him. And I didn't erase my history on the internet, so he may know. He brought me flowers this morning and made it very romantic (for mother's day) -- we both had tears in our eyes (not usual--specially for him). So, he may know.<p>He knows how to get to my email and has free reign to do so. May have checked that too. Nothing is too mushy with the OM -- just lots of contact and some compliments both ways.<p>I spent an hour in the Word -- for some "strange" (God) reason I opened up my Women's Devo. Bible. I opened up to Song of Soloman -- the devo was called "treasured relationship". God spoke to me this a.m. thru that devo and scripture -- I'm listening. foreverhis<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: foreverhis ]</p>

Glad you are thinking of telling your husband. And how nice on the flowers. I don't much get into that stuff, but it sounds lovely.<p>We're finishing up our yard sale and I'm having a really hard time. Doing the sale signifies so much to me. Means the move is actually happening. Very unhappy.<p>Don't have a lot of time to tell story right now, but will fill you in later.<p>Remember, any time you want to email him, post here instead. I check regularly and I'll post, even if I only have time to say yay foreverhis!<p>Doc

OK, thanks Doc -- I will pray for you and your sadness. God bless -- foreverhis

foreverhis,<p>Hope things are going ok for you this afternoon-evening. H and I are getting ready to go to a going away party that a friend from work is throwing for me. This will be the first time anyone other than BF has seen H in months. Hope they are pleasant to him.<p>Will let you know how it goes. Had to call OM Thursday and tell him to come up with an excuse not to make the party as he obviously can't be there and rather than say he was coming and just not show up, I wanted him to say he has other plans so that people don't question why he didn't come. Don't want that going on around H. It'll stress him out. No fun.<p>Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.<p>
Doc

Dear Foreverhis,
I've read thru your post - it's good you are trying to maintain no contact - but this has been bothering me:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by foreverhis:
[ I began writing a few mins ago and realized that the OM is the first person in my life to compliment me on the good job I am doing and to appreciates me (or at least tells me).
<hr></blockquote><p>If this is true, you need to get this kind of support from your husband, then you won't need this appreciation from someone other than your husband - you need to let your husband know specifically how he can show you he loves you - you can't expect him to know exactly what you need. I don't know - everybody's different - some people need to be touched a lot in a loving way, some people feel loved if their spouse surprises them with little presents - some people need to be talked to and acknowledged - most people need a combination of things, but more of one type than the other. Maybe you need to hear your husband tell you how much he notices the dedication you put into your ministry, how much he admires you for your commitment, how he thinks you are just the right person for the job - if you heard these things from him, ask yourself, would you REALLY need to hear this from the OM? Try to find some way of letting your husband know what you need from him - if he loves you, he will try to do this for you.<p>In my own marriage, I have realized that I haven't let my H know how much I admired and appreciated him - I thought he knew, and I thought I was communicating that to him - I didn't realize he needed it EVERY DAY. Now I am on a campaign to let him know EVERY DAY - it has helped. <p>Also, someone told me here - if I meet my H's emotional needs in the way HE wants them met, he moves Heaven and Earth to meet my needs in the way I want them met. Have to give a little to get a little, even if it doesn't come naturally at first.<p>Hope this helps.
Will be praying for you.
Odile

P.S. Have you made any progress on being open and honest with your e-mail accounts - sharing passwords - you need to do this if you truly want your husband's trust, and if you are serious about being held accountable.<p>Odile

Odile said: you need to let your husband know specifically how he can show you he loves you - you can't expect him to know exactly what you need.<p>Excellent advice. I have been trying to figure out what I got from the EA that I am missing from my marriage so that I can tell my husband what I need. I'm not very good at sharing my feelings and sometimes I don't really even know what it is I want or need. I'm still not real clear, but I'm trying to figure it out.<p>The party was very nice and everyone was kind to H. I shouldn't have worried. I have good friends. I got flowers from my friend's husband and another boqute from my friend/neighbor across the street. Very sweet. Unfortunately, I sold all of my tall vases in the yard sale yesterday. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm saying a prayer for you, foreverhis. Hope you have a blessed day.<p>Doc<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: MicheleD ]</p>

Good advice odile. We've been thru the short version of His Needs/Her Needs in counseling. I do need to tell him again what I need. And actually I need to hear again what is important to him.<p>That is key. Much of my counseling has had to do with the fact that my dad "wasn't there for me". I have always sought his approval, yet rarely, probably never get it. So if I'm a stay-at-home mom and don't get those atta-girls from the professional world, I am seeking them other places. My counselor says my H is one of the least emotional people she has ever seen -- so no matter what this issue is always going to be tough for us. <p>But you are right, it's time we work on this again. Our attention has had to be focused on our daughter and her troubles, but now that those things are smoothing out, we need to work on "us" again.<p>Passwords, yes he has them all -- he has free reign. Has since I confessed last year. The emails of late aren't "mushy" or anything, and he knows we email -- even tho it is against his request.<p>Thanks you guys for hanging with me. <p>Doc -- get a 2 litter cola -- drink it and fill w/ water for your vase -- it will be just gorgeous!! LOL<p>foreverhis

Dear Foreverhis,
You've really impressed me! I'm so proud of you that you've actually been open and shared your passwords with your husband! how I wish my H could get to this point with me! So really what you're working on is trying to meet each other's needs - hard work! My H and I are in the same process, although we are not yet at the stage of talking openly about it. My H is someone who NEVER shares about his feelings - he'll tell me all about his problems, just not how he feels about any of it, or how he feels about me, or really how he feels about anything - I think that's why he has been so vulnerable to an EA (2 actually). Since he isn't a "talker", I am working hard as best I can at trying to be positive with him. Someone here gave me some great advice, which I pass on to everyone I think could make use of it - and that was to treat my H like a science experiment - take each EN in turn - sex, RC, admiration, etc - try to find some way to meet this need in a given situation, and see what his response was - did he come back for more? Did he open up to me afterwards? Did he become more loving? And I have done this, and found that my H needs a lot of admiration, which translated, means he needs to hear from me how much I appreciate him for all the little things he does for me AND all the things I admire about him. So I've made a policy of complimenting him at least once a day on one thing I can find to like about him (I started this because it was the only way I could bear to go on living with him - and I told myself it had to be an honest compliment - something real) - I say it casually - "You know, honey, that's one of the things I've always admired about you - the time you spend with the boys" or "That was really kind of you to make me lunch - I was so tired and now I feel better" - he has responded a lot to this and is starting to do more. Lately I have subtly added in things like "You know, it always makes me feel happy when you hug me like that," or, in bed "I love it when you do that to me," or, when I was really stressed recently "It would make me feel better if you'd play a game of backgammon with me - just one would make me feel better - take my mind off things." So I am giving him the appreciation he needs and also starting to be able to articulate to him what helps me feel happy, without it sounding like I am demanding too much from him. It's a delicate and long-term process, but it's all I can do right now. It's my way of fighting the strokes he has been getting from the OW. He has changed towards me, and I hope I am showing him that I'm not the hag he has made me out to be to her. I am also starting to get a few of my needs for love and affection met, from someone who is really all bottled up emotionally.<p>I am finding the books The Five Love Languages and Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus books really helpful - the one Mars and Venus Together Forever: Communication Skills for Lasting Relationships has been very helpful to me. I think people discount these Mars and Venus books because they have been around for awhile now - I did - but I wish I had taken them seriously 10 years ago - I might not be in the situation I'm in now.<p>I hope this is helpful. Keep up the good work!
Odile

By the way - once he found out playing backgammon helped me "relieve stress" - one day last week I was REALLY stressed - had to have a mammogram and I am waiting for the results - and he challenged me to a backgammon tournament - best out of 7!! You might laugh - but I KNOW that he was trying hard to help me, since I had let him know how to do it - that's one of the ways I know he is "coming back" emotionally, even though we haven't been able to settle anything with regards to the OW. And it did relieve the stress I feel about OW, because he spent the evening playing with me and enjoying himself, instead of spending the eve on the computer or on the cell phone or going out surreptitiously to meet with her. Old dogs like me gotta learn new tricks sometimes!<p>Odile

Quick post.<p>I had a break down at church this morning. I could not stop crying. Yes, I ruined my make up.
It hit me that this morning was the last time I'm going to be in my church. It's the first church I've ever loved. It's heart breaking. <p>I'm going to the beach to go bike riding with my BF. Last time for that, as well. Many last things thins week. Trying to not break down every 10 minutes.<p>Will post more when I get back.<p>Doc