Chris - again you are sounding very centered I guess is the word that I want to use... I can understand about the limbo thing because I have been sitting in it since oh about January and it is definately not a good situation to be in.. You are very correct that it is not fair to the kids.. Mine are ok but you know what other people notice things about them and I know it is hard for them to deal with a parent that is always loosing it for one reason or another.. Hey you answered them back but not me??? How come?? I am really enjoying our conversations you are like very level headed in this situation and I know it is a hard situation and is a day by day situation.. I hope that you write back to me... Wondering how your day is going and how you are feeling today???

Mimi- I wouldn't say that I don't get emotional, as in the right circumstances I find it tough to control my emotions. I think this is a very normal reaction, and is a normal part of the pain you are feeling. For the short term you may be better to tell him that he needs to only come by on certain days at certain times to see the kids and discuss what is happening with the separation. As I said constantly seeing him and dealing with what you are with selling the home, and dividing things up are most likely overwelming you. You indicated you make more money then him, does this mean you work out of your home or at a business? Do you get any chance in a week to get out and do anything that is not dealing with your husband, kids, or the separation? Is Cape Cod a city or a town? I'm not that good on my American geography, but then you would surprize me if you knew where Fort St John was. Do you have alot of family around there? Are they helpful, or do they just put you or your husband down for what happended and your decisions? I have lots of family, but the closest ones are around 500 miles away, so I talk on the phone with them till I get board then hang-up. I'ms not quite that bad. I find in talking to them that the whole conversation for the last two months has been around the affair and what she has been doing. I try now to talk about other things, but still find the conversation takes me back there. As for my job, I moved into a mangerial position, so I have not had to much of a chance to make friends at work or away. That's part of the reason I get so long winded. The other reason is I find you easy to converse with, and find alot of our situation over the last year or so is common. Have you been seeing a therapist for long? Do you find it helps yet? I was seeing one, but over the last few weeks I seem to not have the time. Presently I have the kids seeing a family counsellor to try and work on the 13 year old boys anger mangement issues. I had to take them their last night. I was so tired I was falling asleep listening to them talk, I think the counsellor and the kids saw me. A good thing, I changes the answering machine greeting after this long to take my wifes name of it, when I tried to call the kids from work, and I heard her greeting, it just didn't seem right. Do you get out of the house at all during the week or on the weekend? I have been going out twice a week for a coffee, to a movie, to play raquetball, or whatever I can find in this city that does not offer alot to do. I'm going for awhile, kids keep bugging me about supper. Talk to you latter.

Mimi- As with my supper, and my conversations, I always save the best for last. Of course I was going to reply. Chris

Mimi-I checked back but I must have just missed you. I was typing my long winded note to you when you replied last time, as when I returned to the site you had already posted. I hope you had a good day, got some sleep, and are feeling better today. Got any ideas how I get two little kids to go to sleep earlier then 9:00 at night. I start putting them to bed at 8:00, read them books, give them a snack, talk in their room for a little bit, then fight with them to go to sleep and quit calling me. It has been this way since they were born, so you would think I would be used to it, but presently I look forward to my nights when they are in bed, and I can sit and relax, once in a while. Latter Chris

Chris - I just read yesterday that crying is the body's way of relieving stress - if that is the case somedays I must be stress free.. Jokin... I have told my husband that he should just come and get the girls on Sundays but that hasn't really sunk into his head - I think he has guilt feelings about us and thinks he needs to come by so I don't flip out or something though he is planning on divorcing me - Plus you know I don't think he has anywhere else to go.. And yes I am definately overwhelmed with everything - I keep asking my girls to just give me a little while and behave because I am very sad right now and not quite myself.. I need anger to set in.. But for some reason it is like I am afraid he is gonna get mad at me or I am going to make the situation worse and he is gonna blame me for everything again... I don't really go out much just basically drive my kids from one activity to another but I am not complaining they are really good kids.. But I plan to start doing things for myself but actually right now I am not all that great company... Cape Cod is actually the part of Massachusetts that sticks out in the ocean - it is a tourist place - I just thought you might have heard about it from references to the Kennedy Family or from movies - I don't know - no big deal - close to the ocean...My sister lives in the same town and my parents live in an in law attached to her house and basically my family is all within an hour - They are all very supportive of me and they basically cannot believe what my husband is doing or better yet why I have put up with it for so long.. I have one cousin who keeps tell me I am worthy and I deserved to be loved and to hell with him... So I keep hearing you are worthy running through my head... I work at a construction company M-F from 8:30 to 3:30 /4:00 but I am in and out all of the time.. I have been here 18 years so they have been to my wedding, baby showers etc.. and they are all quite shocked and know I am going through a really hard time.. You kow today is the day I have been dreading all week because of the PI but for some strange reason I feel very calm.. Must be the calm before the storm or maybe just a good day.. Who knows.. My therapist is a male I went to him because I wanted my husband to come also but you know for some strange reason he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.. He is very good - I am enjoying talking to him.. Somedays he helps other days it is just nice to talk to someone who has heard it all you know.. that is good your kids are in therapy mine will probably be there soon... Who is your 13 year old son mad at -?? You or wife or everybody??? You must be exhausted doing everything I know that happens to me quite often.. It will get easier as your little ones get bigger !!! As for the sleep thing with kids I have been very lucky.. Mine have always gone to bed at 7:30 - they are now 9 & 12 and go to bed at 8:00 I know lucky.. They don't necessarily go to sleep but they are upstairs... Good luck on that front.. I went to sleep last night and actually slept then my youngest starting coming in my room about 2:00 am telling me she couldn't sleep so much for sleep... Well I am going to the doctors this afternoon to get some medicine to help me think me more clearly.. I will let you know how things go.. hope you are having a good day....Oh and I am trying to go out on Sunday Afternoon when my husband takes the kids.. Lets see if he can do it on his own this weekend... Talk to you tonite.. And I don't know where fort St. John is but a guy in my office is from St. John - he could probably tell me if I ask ---- :}

The job must help you when you are there to at least quit thinking about what is going on. My job does it's fair share of keeping me busy enough that I can't think anout the problems. Most days I will go to work, and it seems the first time I will look at my watch it will be 11:30 AM. I can never get out of work on time, and now that the kids are in daycare it really is bothering me. I hate that they go to daycare for 9 hours a day. I guess they will get use to it as will I. Over the last day or two I have really started to feel the strain of having to do it all myself, I'm not complaining, because I want to raise the kids myself, just a little overly tired, suffering from a cold, and feeling the pressure. I need to figure out how I can get out and meet people my age, while having the little ones with me. The older ones seem to be just doing their own thing and okay about it. I have always been the type of person that likes to be around people, and busy. I feel just a bit restricted at present. This is the way my life is going to be so I need to get used to it.
How did the conversation with the PI go. Hopefully what ever he had to tell you, it was not to much to take, or not any surprizes you are not somewhat prepared for. Have you not felt anger at all, only sadness. That is alot different from me, there is so many days I could just phone her up and give her a piece of my mind. Fortunately I can direct it out through sarcasm, or keep it to myself until things seem to cool off. I know that somewhere along the way I'm going to call her, Iris which is her mothers name. She is following in her mothers footsteps so much, and afte listening to her put down her mother for so many years, I find this all rather ironic. Maybe I'll be lucky and start to get over things by the time we start talking again, or she knows better and thats why she is staying away from me. I hope for your sake that you can get out and do something by yourself this Sunday. Your husband has been with the girls for 12 years now, if he dosen't know what to do, it's about time he figured things out for himself. I hope that dosen't sound to rude, but I have nothing good to say about a man that isn't there for his family, and cannot provide a equal amount of support to the spouse. I have had a few associates over the years that seemed more interested in their own good times then their family. That is why I know them as associates versus friends. Do you get any chance to go out during the week, or are you the same as me. By the time you get everyhting done the day is too long and you don't feel like it. What will you do if you get eh time for yourself. Do you have many friends in the town you are in? I think you mentioned earlier you have not been there that long. I know all of two people outside those I work with. I am trying to get my youngest son into baseball, then hockey. I coached the other boy for a number of years, and really got to know alot of people. I assume when you are running the girls you don't feel like visiting or talking that much? Are you the type of person that can force yourself to talk, it might help especially if your self esteem is gone. Have you lived in any other part of the states, or always around where you are now? Is it normally a nice place to live? Have you ever been to Canada. I have been into the central and western states, but never to the Eastern states. Someday, I was thinking the other day I needed to save up my money, and take a trip to Mexico, Brazil, or Kazakstan (that mail order bride thing)while my wife takes the kids. We never travelled as the kids were there all the time. I don't know where the money will come from, but in life you never have alot of that. How about you have you travelled much, thought about taking any trips? I am going for now, need to get some more sleep then very little. hope things went good for you today. I notice you usually write tin the morning's, do you notice that mornings sometimes really suck. I feel so sh$tty when I get up that most mornings it's everything in my power to drag my butt out of bed. Usually a good 20 minute shower will wake me up, but emotionally I find the mornings the toughest. Chris

Hi Chris - I actually tried to get on last night but something was up with my connection.. I was having a really bad tonite.. My husband I have decided has lost his mind - he wants to have me and the kids stay living in the house and me have all of the money except $150.00 per week - then we will be seperated and basically I would be still taking care of him and he would be coming over when ever he wants etc...And he doesn't understand why I have a problem with that.. Well so after like hours of an emotional breakdown - I realize he really is crazy - that is like sending my oldest child off to college - and he doesn't understand why I have a problem with all of this ... Go figure.. Well after my emotional eveing and then I spoke to the PI this morning - he said that my husband was like off the wall driving crazy like all over the place - he went into some Adult Day Health Center - probably a new girlfriend.. I have decided to finally let go and mourn my husband and marriage - finally totally - I have put a call into my lawyer and will talk to her up technicalities and send the money to start proceedings... It has been so heartwrenching but I cannot change him.. I told him I will have bad days and good days but he is gonna have to deal with it.. Ok enough about me.. Now I will answer your message.. At my job it is hard to not let my life get in the way - but that is what I want to change.. Nine hours of day care must be tough and expensive??/ When does your wife see the kids??? I can't imagine leaving little ones - now maybe somedays I would think about it when they were telling me off or something (joking)... I was talking to my friend Alex last night he had a bad divorce about 5 years and he left with this daughter - I give you credit for taking the kids because I know that it can be an overwhelming job and most people never think the father would do it... I actually know alot of people in my town.. My sister has lived here for 10 years so that makes it easier to get to know people.. I have never really been out of Massachusetts all that much - I just went on a plane for the second time two years ago when we went to disney world and the only other time was when we my husband and I went to disney after we got married... So not a world traveler.. Though I have been to Montreal with my brothers hockey team when I was in like 8th grade... From what I remember it was beautiful... Oh and my PI is going to trail him next Weds. and Thursday just to see what is going on...??? Curiousity... I can see how you would like to give your wife a piece of your mind.. You know my husband actually told me last night that all I ever refer to is - I, I, I, because I say - I can't take this anymore, or I can't go on living like this, or I am falling apart... I almost dove through the phone and strangled him.... I can go out during the week if I want because I could always leave my kids at my sisters or something but I usually just hang out with the kids. etc... homework and stuff... your now... Where the heck is Kazakstan?? Anyways??? Actually after all is said and done I want to take my kids and me on a trip where I don't know but someplace just the three of us.. Maybe a cruise or something.... I don't on somedays like, mornings, afternoons, or evenings... I don't like going to bed alone most days - that is really hard...Not that he was ever much for bedtime conversation but the fact that he was sleeping next to me was enough..... Oh well time to move on..... tonite I have to bake stuff for the back sale at our church for the choirs field trip to an amusement park.. i will check in later tonight to see how things went today.. Talk to you later...

You sound alot better tonight, I know it must be tough to handle what the PI is finding out, and what he may continue to find out. Also it sounds like your husband is either going through some serious guilt, and is hoping that by treating you good now you will forgive the bad he has done, if you two reconcile or not. He may also be trying to keep you as close as possible becuase he does not know exactly what he wants. Unforutnately he is still only thinking about himself if he is trying to do this. But most likley your right, presently he is crazy, and still dosen't know what to do. I like the idea that you are now going to look at taking care of yourself or your kids. I beleive as you go through this step you will find the answers as you sound very sensible. I also think this will give you the power to get your self esteem back and start to see positive things in your life. The kids seem to be so whiney lately. or I just am missing a bit of patience. I think they are missing the family unit a bit right now. My wife saw them for one hour last week, talked to them twice on the phone for five minutes this week, adn who knows when she is coming back. At present I think she has no responsibility at all except to take care of herself. She should be able to get a job in the town where she is living, with the other guy, buy herself a vehicle and get her butt up here to see her kids. But as always she expects me to take the time to figure out what we can sell so that I can get her the money. At that point she will most likely expect me to buy the vehicle for her. I am so confused as to what she is doing with her life or as far as the kids go. She will not have any conversation to talk about the future except to ask for a divorce. I don't have a clue what she is doing. I am just going to work, taking care of the kids, and deciding how soon I should file for divorce. I have to wait till June 4th, as I committed that to myself. I tried to go to bed early last night (10:30), but the phone wrung twice before midnight, then the 3 year old got up around 1:30 AM, then worst of all I dreamed about my wife. I tell you that was not the way I wanted to spend my night. What do your kids do for activities? Are you active in your church, I assume so because you talk about it, and seem to do things? Did you find that a belief in god helped you through what you have gone through up till now. I can honestly say that it has helped me in many ways, and is most likley the guiding principle that keeps me from doing anything stupid. Did your husband go to church with you? My wife did for a short time, but finally quit when she had a reason to. That was one thing that was a sore spot, because I wanted the kids raised with a belief in god, but she did not like it. As far a Kazakstan, I haven't a clue, thats why it must be a cool place to go, if nobody knows where it is, think about how easy it would be to get around, how you wouldn't be taken as a tourist. Actually I don't have clue about it, so I most likley won't go there. I hope you have a good weekend. I'll be on and off through the weekend, when a kid isn't using the computer. Do you like hockey or did you go there to see the guys? Chris

Hello - yes I am thinking clearer again today.. The for sale sign is going up on the house tomorrow which makes me very sad.. But at least I will be able to move on I guess and try and find a life for me and the kids.. My husband seems to be nicer only because he is now getting what he wants - OUT>> my neighbors and my sister and her husband came over last night we had a couple of beers and hung around.. Everyone is being so supportive of me.. My girlfriend that I have had since I was 13 called me today.. She had heard rumors and wanted to make sure I was ok.. She is floored to say the least as is most people - which I keep saying to them well if your floored how do you think that I feel??? Now my husband is trying to find me a town house or duplex to buy.. He is trying to ease his conscience(have no idea how to spell that word) - but hey let him.. He is also wanting to give me most of the money from the sale of the house after we pay off all of the bills so I can buy something so let him.. He can even move me in and set up my furniture - what the hell.. See I know he really isn't a bad guy - he just doesn't want to be married and has treated me like a total piece of crap.. But I will let him help me after all he is the one that put me in this situation.. I cannot believe your wife hasn't seen the kids that is like so wierd.. They definately loose their minds when they screw up (or should I just say screw) joking.. Kind of sarcastic today.. My sister and her husband are coming to pick up me and the girls for chinese food soon.. yes I am definately the third wheel but hey that is better than no wheel at all right>>> yes I like hockey - I am a bruins fan.. But I really watch football faithfully... I am catholic but you know I don't go every week and I have been kind of mad at god for my situation - but I definately believe that children need a spiritual background.. My husband is no religion.. My husband is a wreck - but I need to stop trying to take care of him.. Though I still love him.. Sad but true.. You know June 4 th is not that far away.... Your wife doesn't work??? I have always worked... So that is good for me... I will check in later.. Bye for now.. Mimi

Mimi -<p>I just wanted to say HI - I'm kind of lurking around right now, I'm bored. It's great to hear your doing good today, I'm feeling strong also, lets how it lasts.<p>and on the subject of hockey<p>GO RED WINGS!!!!!! 1 hour until game time!!!!<p>Yes, I'm from Michigan and a big wings fan!!<p>Have a great afternoon - I will send you an email with any new developments.<p>Jen

Mimi-It is good to see you feeling better, and being able to find some humor in the situation. I don't know why, but over the last few days I have sure been thinking alot about the future, and what I'm going to do next. Although I have known for two weeks that she wanted a divorce, and knew that it was most likely going to happen, I guess that it is starting to sink in that the future is as it is right now. It is just weird, I wonder how things are going to go for me and the kids. I wonder how much I will be left with and if I'll have to sell the house. At present I'm hoping that between the judge and the court, that they will let me pay her out by selling a few things and cashing in some of my savings plans. If possible I'll even sign over my RRSP's to her. I just don't want to up and move the kids, although getting out of this house would help financially. She has not said a word to me over the last two weeks now. I was stting at the computer and my 5 year old came walking into the room, while asking his mom if she wanted to talk to me. She said no, and just kept talking. I don't have a clue what she wants as far as the kids are concerned. I don't know if she is going to have a lawyer when she comes into court, and I don't know if she has filed for divorce. This is the hard part at present, that after so many years she has just shut everything down. I talked to her one sister today, and her sister more or less brokedown knowing what my wife had done. I have been searching over the last week to find something to do that I can meet some people. At times like this it is not the best initially to be somewhere we you have no family and only a few friends. I have talked to a number of my friends in the town we moved from, and surprizingly they all knew what had happened. I guess she isn't trying to keep it a secret. There is lots of people I work with, but none I know well enough to just go and crash their house, eat all theri food, drink all their booze, and pass out. I don't think the kids would let me anyways. You mentioned that you feel like a 3rd wheel, but at times like this it is unique, other people really like to help and they appreciate the company. I hade a friend I worked with a few years back that went through a rough breakup, and we took him out with us a number of times. He was so comical it was great havinghim around. We went into a fancy restaraunt, he took a piece of lettuce and stuck it in his pocket like a hankerchief, then went to other tables and tried to take peoples orders. He was a gas to be around, fancy free with no cares. Hope your Chinese supper and a good time talk to you latter. Chris

Mimi - I hope things are going okay for you?

Hello- I didn't even turn on the computer yesterday sorry --- I actually spent the day again with my husband and kids - I know huge problem.. But we were getting along so I figured what the hell - though my sister is gonna kill me.. Actually he mowed the lawn and just hung out here.. He basically told me he needs to get divorce and go on and find out who he is.. He is so lost - I am just the casuality in his warped mind... I should talk to the lawyer today so I will probably be sending in my money to start proceedings which is wierd.. It is like one day I am ok with this then the next day I am like what is he crazy... But I believe he is actually a little crazy right now so I am gonna go with that... The for sale sign should be on the house today by time I come home... So probably I will be angry again.. I have been looking around for somewhere to live and it doesn't look to promising right now but I can move in my sisters for awhile.. You know he doesn't even care if I care a boyfriend - he is like we will probably all hang around together.. He should care if I am with someone .. Your wife really went off the deep end so to speak huh?? I cannot believe that she doesn't talk to you at all.. That must drive you nuts though I am sure it probably has its advantages for your sanity...You know the thoughts of packing up my entire house is overwhelming... And putting in storage just ticks me off... Who knows I will write back tonite with an update.. Hope you have a great day.... :]!!!!

Mimi - It has to be very confusing, that someone that spent so many years with you as a spouse, now just wants out of the marriage and to be friends. At the same time he seems to hold no anger or resentment towards you, although if anything it would be you that would be holding the anger and resentment against him. It has turned out to be a rough weekend here. Things seemed to be okay until yesterday, when I took the thre youngest kids to spider man. When I got home my oldest girl was very upset and wanted to leave. I tried to ask her what was wrong, she would not tell me, just indicated she wanted to borrow some money until she gets paid this upcoming Thursday. I told her that she couldn't keep spending beyond her means, said I would not give her more money unless it was for food or something for school. I was just trying to let her know she couldn't keep spendding her paychecks from her job at the rate she is. Her friends showed up a few minutes latter, and she asked to go out with them around 6:00 PM, that was the last I have heard of her since last night. It is 9:00 AM and I am trying to track down numbers for her friends so I can try to find her. I sure hope she didn't get herself into something stupid. This is all from a girl that one year ago, was so shy, and wouldn't hardly talk to a guy. If anyone wants to know the affects of a affair on older children, I am seeing it in this girl more and more all the time. Sometimes she seems to be okay, then she goes out and does a bone head thing like this. I don't beleive it's drugs, but you never knwo now a days. I will let you go and be back on latter. Chris

Well that really sucks - to put it mildly - I am sure that it must be hard on a 17 yr. old girl especially to just have her mother up and leave. I am sure everything is ok - You know it is so hard when we are trying to put everything else before our feelings and we are basically getting screwed - you know then our spouses just go off in their own little world and don't have to deal with the daily consequences - they are just worried about their own happiness it is not fair... but that is the boat that alot of people are in.. My 9 yr. old keeps telling we have to go with the flow.. Today I am going with the flow.. I am really sad that my marriage is ending - but I don't also want to be enemys with him.. I believe even if he doesn't that he is gonna miss me and one day he is gonna wake up and say oh my god what did I do??? but then again he may not.. but believe me I am no holding out for that small miracle to happen.. I have been dealing with this for so long I am exhausted - I need to worry about me and the kids.. hey so I am a third wheel for awhile who cares as long as I get to be a wheel you know...I am ok today - who knows what tonite will bring... I will check in on you later - let me know how things go.... I will be thinking about you..

Hey Chris just checking in - I hope you have found your daughter and everything is going ok - I am sure you must have been worried sick... I really don't want to think about those teenage years... Yuk.. Well its official the for sale sign is on the house and I didn't even break down.. I am actually calm today which is wierd.... My husband just left it is such a wierd situation - I am also sending the money into the lawyers office tomorrow to get things going and I am ok with that.. Well today anyways.. Have you talked to your wife concerning your daughter or just handled it on your own?? I don't know what I do in that situation ! Well hopefully I will talk to you tomorrow - Keep your chin up....

Well, I was able to track her down, she was at a friends house, unfortunately it was a male friends house. She told me that her and a few other friends went over and watched movie and just fell asleep on the couches and floors. I do beleive her and trust her, but I also beleived my wife and trusted her. I only hope this girl has more sense then her mom. I was very direct with the seventeen year old letting her know that I was not impressed, and she could not just be off and doing these things. She told me she was just very upset and mad, and knew I wouldn't let her stay overnight at with these boys, so she just didn't phone. I tried to get her to understand what I was scared for, and why. I did not ground her, because I look at where my head goes from time to time, and figure for her she is going through alot of the same emotions. Her mom phoned tonight, and the 17 year old told her mom she wanted to come and stay with her for a few days. She will miss school and, most likely end up loseing a semester of school, but she is so upset right now that I don't know what else to do. The 17 year old has also been having problems at school lately, that are understandable with the emotional problems she has been having. I don't know if she will come back from her staying with her mom. She knows that she is welcome to stay with me, but with teh problems at school with her friends and what her mom has done she is the type of person that will feel guilty and need to do what she can to have her mom accept her. What a horrible situation. I ended up talking to her mom on the phone tonight about this situation, it was not a plesant conversation. She told me she is going to stay where she is with the guy, she wants to know how soon we can get together to divide the stuff up, she wants 50/50 custody of the little kids, and the older ones if they will live with her. I almost went through the phone, she honestly dosen't get it. I Asked her to coem and pickup the 17 year old, versus having her take a nine hour bus ride during the week. She said well coudl you meet me half-way. I asked her, "You want me to take a day off work, pack up the 3/5 year old and drive for eight hours. She has no kids at present, no job, no responsibility, and can't come pick her kid up in a time of emotional hardship, because she would be on the road all day by herself. If you pick up a hint of anger or frustration, it most likely is very real. In the closing comments of the conversation with my wife, I told her "don't worry, I'll just continue to pick up the pieces of the hurt you have caused." She said " You don't have to pickup any pieces for me, I'll do all that myself". She really dosen't have a clue, she is in such a fog, it is unbelievable. I asked her earlier int eh conversation, if it was really so bad at home with me that the first person she meat that paid attention to her she jumped into his arms. She would not answer me, only said the relationship was over. I think this idea will haunt me for some time!! Even when I asked her why she couldn't just ask for separation if things were that bad, she indicated that would have only made me happy. Wow, let me tell you that one came from left field. You indicated in your note that your husband will one day recognize what he had, and may feel bad. I hope that as things proceed with the divorce that one day you do at least get to see that. I don't beleive that with my wife she will ever get there, she is not the same person that I married, and presently not the person I want to be married to. I am worried about what is going to happen when I go to court for custody. I am willing to give her access, but I just don't want them growing up with her as a influence. She just seems like such a poor role model right now. I can only hope for the best, and live with whatever I'm given, but it will break my heart if the court takes away my children after she broke my heart. I know I have to focus on what is best for the kids, but I feel rather powerless, and believe that the kids are best off with me, while being able to visit her. Lastly I packed most of her stuff up this weekend, which is always a good thing to bring back old memories. I jsut had to get it out of site, with what she is doing, where she is, and where we have been, I needed it out. Today I moved allot closer to filing for divorce, and will need to hold on to make the date of June 4th. The date is only a formality now, since I knwo the answer. It is only making it through all the next steps without developing a hatred, or saying something I will one day regret. Sorry I went a little long, but it's been one of those days or should I say weeks/months/lives. Have a good one. Chris

Well that just all sucks... Is your daughter a senior in high school??? At a male friends house I am surprised you didn't go through the roof.. It amazes me that these spouse's of ours don't see what this is causing all around them.. They only see that they are hurting and they want out.. Nine hours away must be tough for visitation and stuff.. Does the other man want her kids around?? How would one do 50/50 custody at nine hours away??? I would say as far as a judge is concerned you would look better because she is the one that left the home and her responsiblities?? Right??? My husband is also not the man I married but we are at a better place right now.. I am not as distraught I believe my medication is kicking in... he knows that I love him and that I don't want the marriage to be over but he also knows he doesn't want to be married.. So really there is nothing that I can do except feel sorry for myself because I got dumped or move on a little at a time... I am excited actually about having no bills - at all -!! Debt free oh my that hasn't happened in a long time.. Hopefully I will be able to buy a house and move in with my kids soon - but the house's are few and far between and very expensive.. I will have to move in with my sister for a while which will be ok... It amazes me that we could go on being married and never know anything was wrong with our relationships then all of a sudden bam!!! its over.. I think that is all a bunch of crap I don't think there was anything wrong major wiht our relationships just with our partners - I believe they have lost their minds....And one can only hope for their sake they find some of it somewhere - sometime.... talk to you later - hope things are going better..... Mimi

I had the first conversation with my wife tonight, in which I played that stupid game where you try to make some kind of sense out of the whole thing, and I got as far as you were a while ago where you said "they are just plain crazy". I asked her why she chose to leave the way she did, she just said because. I asked her how long she knew that she didn't love me, and she said for two years. Now that one is a bit hard to believe, and I told her she was full of horse sh%t. I said that she was either a very good actor, or she dosen't have a clue what happened, and when everything happened so fast she just got caught up in it all. Who will ever know it's feels like your asking a five year old to explain quantum physics, when you try to get any reasoning out of the whole thing from the spouse that has a affair. The best one was when I asked her how she could move in with someone she knew for all of two weeks, and she said that she knows lots of people that have done similiar things, and the relationship has worked. I didn't have the heart to ask her to use people either then for her mom, sister, and brother's. Well hopefully I can keep the kids heads screwed on straight before they get older and go through this. For the younger ones, I believe I can influence, the older ones it will be harder to influence. The 17 year old leaves tommorrow for her moms, and will be back on Sunday most likely. I think they all just need to know where she is, and what she is doing. When they spend some time there, they will each decide if they want to be with their brothers/sisters/me, or her and her new boyfriend. I will not try to understand it, only ensure I am there for them when and if they each choose to come back. You sure are sounding alot more optimistic. I wouldn't chalk that up to medication, rather then your abiltiy to accept your fate, quit holding on, adn start to look at your future. I think this is when it will be the hardest for your husband, as when he sees you start to relax, he may start to question his motives. I know that even though I am having problems with my wife when it comes to the kids, our relationship is over. When I look at who she is and what she needs, I just don't feel we are correct for each other now. Something changed over the years, and we both have different desires and wants now. I want to have someone that I can raise a family with while sharing similiar interests in the family, that wants to do things outside of the bar scene, has confidence in them self, that has hobbies and there own interests, but is also soft/kind and wants to share time with me, and also has a belief in religion. They don't need to be able to spell, as they will only be correcting my errors. No I didn't pick that off the back of the Frosted Flakes box. I am not looking for that person right now, but in looking at where me and my wife are so far apart now, I do see the areas that we were having problems. I imagine you have also thought of this type of thing, as it seems inevidible that those thought go through you're mind when you are down and out and trying to explain something about why they did what they did to you. You keep smiling and have a excellent day, it really sounds good to see a glimmer of light in your messages. Have a good day! Chris

OK well Chris I guess I was sounding optimistic but that has all come crashing down around me.....I have just found out this morning that the neighbor lady has been the first and only affair from the get go... So all of those times I was talking to her about her husband and hanging out with her and being her friend she was sleeping with my husband.. So essentially I have been sleeping with the neighbors for the last year and I have got to tell you this makes me sick to my stomach....And yes it is still going on so everytime he is at my house he tries to get me to believe that there is nothing going on... I am just so shell shocked I guess you could say.. I will write back later... I am not in a good frame of mind.....