Nice to see you had the strength and willpower to make the move. It sounds like you were in a desperate situation, and the move proabably helped you and your kids lifes, maybe even saved them. Good luck.

Lost in Space,<p>I was a SHM, and the WS, my ex was the sole financial support of the family..and as he said many times, IT WAS HIS MONEY, HE WORKED HARD FOR IT!! <p>I had been taking a class at a time in college, just to get some skills back..which caused problems, he didn't like me going to school..and certainly NOT WITH HIS money..told me to apply for financial aid, but because of HIS income I didn't qualify..I didn't put money aside, I learned that wasn't possible when I tried to put money aside to buy new carpet..or to save for a vacation, he would always accuse me of saving for a divorce, and say if I didn't send him the money (he worked out of town)he would be broke, and sleeping in his truck..(guilt/manipulation) whenever I spoke about going to school full-time or going back to work
there were threats that he'd leave..because if I did then "I wouldn't need him, for anything" <p>When I wanted to go out with friends and do something it was "because I wanted to be single"
so if I went, it just told him "I wanted to be single, because a MARRIED woman doesn't NEED to go out with friends" Yet, he wasn't here to do or go anything/where with..so I was literally home 24/7..<p>he didn't mind my selling Avon part-time because it didn't bring in any 'real' money and I was able to get things 'I' needed and wanted like my makeup..and such..but, he didn't like it when I had to be gone delivering avon and taking books out and he couldn't reach me at home when he called..but he didn't get as mad as long as I took ALL of the kids with me..if I got a sitter or a neighbor to watch the kids, then "YOU" MUST BEING SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!!!<p>I had an EA, we talked..he would call me, and we would talk, he would stop by and we'd talk..(my ex didn't even call to talk to me) If I wanted to talk to him..I had to call him..and I couldn't call him on his work cell phone, or the job because those were "work" phones, I could call his hotel, running up the phone bill to the hundreds of dollars..so I wouldn't be able to put money aside..I'd call and leave messages because he wasn't there..or just didn't answer the phone..
(I'd heard many different reasons as to why he didn't answer the phone when I called)then he'd complain the phone bill was so high..wanting to know "WHO" I was calling.. but OM gave me his time, not money, and I certainly didn't have money to spend on him..<p>I'd asked my ex to find a different job for years, even did up his resume' every year as requested.."so he could look" for another job..
he'd even asked my brother to do a resume' for him
when he was working down state and living w/ him and sil..my brother did, he printed up 50 copies of the resume' for my ex..they all went in the trash..he NEVER SENT ONE OF THEM OUT!! I sent a couple out for him..they called..he didn't return their calls..<p>I ended the relationship w/ OM, asked h to find another job and be home..quit drinking, to go to counseling to work on marriage..so for the next 7 months he said he'd quit his job and come home..
he didn't..in Aug of 2000, he told me one day he was leaving the job and coming home..he'd had it and was quiting..he went to his apartment, got drunk called me drunk started calling me names AGAIN, and didn't come home..Labor day weekend that year I'd asked him to come in and us go to dinner, he said he was broke and he couldn't come home, said he didn't even have enough money to pay his rent..and would be sleeping in his truck, He didn't do that, he had the money, just didn't want to be here..so when that job ended and he came in town I sat down at the table with him and said, this is how it is..you'll either find another job and be home, quit drinking, and us go to counseling, I'll go back to work so that if you can't find a job making what you are now it will help cover the bills (I was in college full-time at this point) or you can find some place else to go your one weekend a month home..He took two weeks vacation and moved out..changed all the allotments..sent 300 a week for CS, which in no way covered all the bills..He didn't take any of them..I quit school and went back to work..and after not having worked in 9 almost 10 years it wasn't easy to find a job..the one thing that helped was that I had taken some colleges classes..I had documentation that I knew how to use a computer..I'd invite him for dinner, he wouldn't come over..I had to accept his actions didn't match his words..he said he wanted to be here, but his actions said he didn't..that was a hard one for me to accept..I always believed the words and ignored the actions..I've had to learn to see if peoples words and actions really match..
and if they don't..I have to start watching the actions and block out the words..<p>This caused many problems w/ my son..he fought with me in the mornings getting ready for school..
to where I was late for work, he'd get in trouble at school, to where I'd have to leave work to go to the school..H asked the company to bring him into town..and they did..(after he'd been gone for 9 years)h would get the kids mostly son on weekends, telling him he was going to get it so they lived w/ him..promising son he'd get another job and be in town ALL the time..(he never looked)
son would ask him if he'd found another job yet..
he'd tell him no, not yet..because he wasn't looking..if he would have looked he would have found one, I have friends in that industry and called them..talked to the owners of a couple of the companies and asked them if they were hiring for this position..they said yes, tell him to come fill out an application..I would tell him..he wouldn't go..I know this..because they would ask me if I'd told him, because they were really looking to fill that position..I told them just hire someone else..He has 23 years experience in the field..and they would have hired him based on THAT alone..because it's hard to find qualified ppl..but anyway...I went off on a tangent..Son was
having some major problems in school and because I had to keep leaving work to take care of it..I ended up losing my job..because I spent to much time away from work..I applied for financial aide based on MY income after h moved out and got it..
so now I am going back to school..and working part-time..it's struggle financially..and I hate
always telling my kids NO to things they want and even somethings they NEED..but, son is doing better in school, and ex is back out of town working again..son is still having a hard time w/ his dad being gone..but mom is home when he gets out of school..but emotionally, I am happier..<p>So it's not always about the money..it's about other things, like their time..He moved out Sept 2000, and I still tried to make the marriage work, asked him to go out to which we went out once..he would call and canx the other times or come get the kids forgetting he and I had plans, I tried to help him find another job so that he could be in town all the time..tried to talk to him..all of which were ignored..I finally gave up trying, April of 2001, OM showed up at my house..I told him go away, I was happy, and I didn't need him around either, I needed time for me..I hadn't talked to him in months, I'd seen him in passing w/ other women..which really wasn't a big deal because I wanted him to be happy..and we were just friends..he showed me what I was missing in my marriage..and that was someone to spend time with, someone to talk to, someone to do things with, something I literally never had my ex took the position three months into our marriage..and started traveling right after that..something he'd never done before..he came home one day and told me he did it..no prior discussion on the topic anything..and I tried to get that in my marriage..I didn't want it w/ OM, I wanted my h's time, I wanted HIM to want to be here, not OM..and like I said, I had to accept he didn't want to be here..no matter what his words said..<p>OM called me about a month later..and asked if we could get together and talk..so I went..and we talked..laughed..cried...he hurt with and for me..and we started spending time together building a friendship..we don't see each other every day..
but we do have fun together as friends..rent movies, sit outside talking, take our kids on picnics, have bbq's and do things w/ other friends..something I didn't have in my marriage..and this is really nice..something I wish my ex would have wanted..<p>So for me it wasn't about the money, staying because of money made me feel as if I were selling my soul for 30 pieces of silver..I wanted everything else..and he couldn't give it..<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

Lost in space,<p>Thanks. It was a desperate situation. I wouldn't go so far as to say I saved our lives though. My sanity was definetly being tested with the constant threats and abusive name calling but he wasn't beating me up.<p>Thorned Rose,<p>I hear you. No amount of money is worth trading your soul for.

Hi,<p>I'm a SAHM. When my 2nd child was born I left a high paying job, good benefits and great hours. It was something my H and I agreed on and I felt good about my decision. <p>Before I had the kids, I always felt I would continue working. My independence, security, contribution(?) etc. was very important to me. I gave that up for my family.<p>It wasn't until I found out about the A that I fully realized the impact of my decision. It made me truly appreciate the sacrifice we, SAHM's make for our family and I realized how fragile our situation is. <p>I worried about how I would provide for my kids if my H and I separated. If he decided to leave and not give $, we would have been penniless. It was a very scary thought. My returning to work would drastically change my childrens way of life. The impact of not having their father and then not having their mother would have been awful.<p>This experience has helped me understand why some woman stay in a M, when maybe they shouldn't.<p>Luckily for me, my H and I were able to work things out. Part of my decision to forgive him and work on our M was because of the children. I honestly don't know what I would have done, if we didn't have kids. I think I would have tried though.<p>I now am going to open an account in my name and save $, just in case. I will tell my H about this and he will understand. I'm also going to start looking for part-time work. Not because we need the $ (I've become pretty thrifty) but because I feel I need that security, just in case. It's a shame, but it's something I feel is necessary.<p>Just some more negative affects of an A. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>H&S

I am a SAHM but am building a small business (no income yet) so I guess you could say that I was vulnerable but I had an order of protection which addressed the money issue too. <p>In addition, I used to make more money than my husband and if I had to, I could easily do it again. I have a spare room at my mother's and a workaholic nature. Being poor doesn't scare me. I can garage sale for clothes and we can eat beans and rice and veggies. I did move some money around and have a small stash of cash but regardless, I would take care of my children no matter what he did.<p>I don't think you can allow them to hold this over you. Just my opinion. I do wonder about those individuals who don't have necessary job skills, though.

Once again thanks to everyone that has replied, Hopefully if someone else is in a relationship and feels trapped, when they need some time to straighten out their life they can take inspiration from those of you that were able to show strength.