Hello all I am new here . I just wanted to say on the topic of letting go that it is a very difficult one and stress seems to add to the inability to do this. Just a brief background here , my husband had an affair in 1999 left 2 weeks after encounter because of guilt. We were separated for 7 months .I never suspected there was anyone as he kept coming around and courting me like in high school. This was your typical mid life crisis affair from the kind of man you would least expect it. So needless to say when I found out it was a great shock ! Well after disclosure he was extremely remorseful and asked to come home and for forgivenes . We had 4 kids and are very devout so I prayed and accepted him home. I also found out I was pregnant again from encounters during the separation. Like I said I had implicit trust in him .I sometimes feel like such a fool but looking back he had never given me a reason not to trust him before so how could I know? He ordered Dr Harleys book on Surviving and Affair and the His need Her needs tape. Great steps on his part . He then sent an email closure letter to the OW and to me as well . Not completely what Dr Harley recommends but close enough I felt . Well in a nutshell 3 years later we have had our rough spots yet all has been relatively ok . Until lately , he was laid off in Sept and has been struggling to find work and things are progressively stressful . We had a major fight and he left for a week to go to his parents. We talked and he is back home and of course I asked if during this time he went back in anyway to the "fantasy " . He said he briefly considered it since we were dong so poorly and he was contemplating divorce. So should I conclude he has been hanging on to this for 3 years ? Has he really let go if he would even consider going back to what he knows was not a " real " relationship with a woman he claims to have had no feelings for for 3 years? So you see the dilemma of letting go goes both ways. Are you in some way making him feel insecure and that perhaps you haven't truly let go of your past ways ? Just some questions that have rattled in my brain since this has happened. We were doing so well and he really believes this was a one time thing and could never happen again yet why even go there in your mind just because we are having problems? If it is over what is there to entertain going back to ? Any thoughts on this and whether I should be concerned are greatly appreciated. He is back and has admitted to being confused as to why he would have thought that yet assures me he made no attempt to reconnect it was just a fleeting thought. Yet now he says there is a brief question mark where for 3 years he was basically over it . So you see the letting go on both sides can I guess resurface under times of stress .I guess the memory of this insulated relationship holds some draw even though you know you can rationalize it as not being based in reality . Well so much for brevity =) Thanks for having this message board for those of us that neeed to sound off and perhaps get some feed back . If nothing else to know we aren't alone.
<p> Hatikva - Hope
Springs
Eternal