My H pointed me to this site. At first, I was a bit scared to post. Figured I would really get bashed since I am the WS. However, I quickly found out that is not the case. I have found the advice and constructive criticism very helpful. I have never been bashed. And there have been times when someone would say something that would give me a good kick in the pants and see things the "right" way.<p>My H and I have both been reading and posting here. We know each others log in names. Neither one of us holds anything back when we post here. We agree that if you do that, then what is the point. We have read each others posts. Sometimes this has opened up lines of communication that probably would not have been there if not for this board. Also spent time talking about other people's posts. Often print out posts for the other than we think are revelavent. <p>I think this place is wonderful. It has been great for both of us. I believe that both parts of a couple should be here, at least reading, if not posting.<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Regretting ]</p>

Thank you!!! Great stories, and great points made by all!!!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

When I first came here I recommended this site to the OM's W. After a while I forgot about it and was posting stuff that was happening and things that were going on between W and I.<p>A few months later I found out that OM's W had been reading my posts and reporting to OM who, in turn, reported to my W. Needless to say, she was extremely angry. How could I tell "everyone in the world" what was going on? "They don't know me, they don't have the right to say what they do".<p>I quit posting for a few months, and when I started again, it was under a different name. For the most part, I will post in response to others, but not with much in the way of personal examples, just in case.<p>It only takes one bad post to irrepairably damage your chances of recovery, and it's the reader who decides what's hurtful. A common question is, "Is this an LB?". If you have to ask, it probably is. Also, if you have a spouse who's not interested in counseling or any other outside help, they'll probably not be happy with you posting here or anywhere else.<p>Good luck.

Thanks idiot... ummm... guy... ummmm... smartguy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ok... so...

• lots of votes on posting "as if" spouse is reading. For best chances of marital recovery. And for giving the most constructive advice.
• venting is good, but best if done with a "disclaimer", or with as few disrespectful judgments as possible (but still expressing honest feelings and emotions!) It's hard, but just part of the struggle in becoming a better communicator.
• anyone lurking, or checking us out, should have an open-mind, a real-life understanding that these are hurting people seeking support.
• anyone lurking, or checking us out, should hang around for a little bit, try to understand the basic principles, and read enough of the posts to see the good intentions.

<p>thanks for all your stories and input. MORE is welcome indeed. Thanks for helping me think through this. I hate the thought that so many people get turned off... or recovery is interrupted... when they visit. <p>hugs to all.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

time for a bump up... any other feedback is welcome...

I for one would prefer my WW not to come in here and see my posts at this point in time. Maybe later, if we're in recovery, OK.

BNow she knows I post here. It's private, but not secret.

Why do I feel this way? Well, I post many of my thoughts, ponderings, and pretty detailed recollections of conversations, incidents, strategy, sessions with Steve, etc. I do this because it helps me process them better, and I feel that in that way my threads can be more helpful to others in my same situation.

I guess we all have different "MB Styles", some post pretty little and short, others, like me, post a lot, with a lot of detail...

I think that if my W would read my posts it would hamper my ability to vent, think, get ideas, and be honest. If I posted "as if" my W was here, it would not allow me to get the feedback I get, and it would not allow me to plan, strategize, etc.
That may sound dishonest or manipulative, but reality is that we have to do many weird things since we're dealing with a weird situation and a weird state of mind in our spouses...JMHO

O.K. So maybe one small post here and there.

I agree with space. Putting some of the vents on paper help me sort out how much of the vents actually make sense and how much don't make sense. I have a pile of [censored] upstairs and dumping the [censored] out every once in a while helps me make organize the [censored] into rational thought (hopefully).

BTW space: I saw your last vent. I see why you would not want her to see what you posted. I guess I can ask why try to work on your marriage, like my WW said to me. I know what your response would be LOVE.