This is an older thread... bumping back to the top...

What if we pretended that our spouses are reading this board?

I think we all need to have a place to ask honest questions, seek validity in our emotions, and ask for a kick in the behind when needed. Part of our goal in marriage and other relationships is to learn to be honest without disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. I think it's much better to vent here... to let loose here.... than to our spouses.... BUT, what would happen if we pretended that they were either reading simultaneously, or one day in the future?

I seriously want to know what everyone thinks about this.

This goes for posting, and giving advice as well. There certainly shouldn't be any advice on here like "throw the bum out".... although I've seen some posts leaning in that direction. THere's a difference between "detachment and boundaries", and "kicking someone out", or otherwise being rude, bitter, or hateful. (I'm not fussin' at the ones that have actually DONE this.... but only that I don't think we should ADVISE anyone to do it.) But if we could word our advice to each other, as if the spouse was reading, we would only be helping that marriage even MORE...

WS's probably check this place out more than we realize, and probably run the other way. Part of that is their fear of being bashed - or their failure to take responsibility for a bad choice on their part to have the A. But part of it is the sometimes ranting and raving against them. I heard an opinion from another WS that "You want me to go to MB? That's the place where everyone hates their spouses!" If that's their opinion, then they probably haven't taken the time to really see what we are - but there's probably more that form opinions based on observing a little bashing.

I have a friend that used to pretend (when she was little) that other people could hear her thoughts. This protected her from thinking bad things about people, and therefore kept her from saying bad things, or from having a scowl on her face. I think we should think that way as adults. - -> Applicable here at MB, talking about WS's as if they are scum-bags will not interest any of them in coming here to learn.

Again... WHAT IF we keep in mind the possibility that the spouse is reading? Keeping in mind the focus here is to save marriages, and provide support for individuals who are hurting, and striving to learn.

I don't have any particular members in mind, or specific examples... it's just something I've been thinking about.

....humble observation... and humble question...

any and all thoughts on this are welcome...

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Remember over the summer when my H... OW... and OWs H were reading here?<p>I have posted with them in mind since then... for just the reasons you have stated...<p>GREAT question!<p>Cali

faith,
this is a good idea for all of us even the WS.
Many times I have just run away from what I have read here. I am just a woman who made a terrible mistake, but has learned from that mistake. Now I want to make things better than before, but I don't want to go back to before. So I read and try to learn from others here. But it's so hard
and so frustrating to be labeled all kinds of various nouns. I'm sure that in the minds of the BS's, we WS's deserve whatever happens to us next, but with that kind of mindset, no one learns anything. no one changes to become a better individual for themselves. I want to be the best person I can be inspite of my past indescretion. I want to know that while I have that flaw in my character, I also have to abilitly to rise above it and not repeat it. To not let it rule who I am or make me in some way predisposed towards that kinds of behavior.<p>As I read of the heartache suffered by the BS, it spurs me to action that my H won't be affected like that again. It makes me even more determined to make my marriage work. But I have learned that I can't do it alone. And it gets very frustrating trying. So I now understand even more of what BS's are going thru. <p>So please, BS's, keep an open mind about us WS's on here. Many of us are just trying to work things out the same as you. We learn from you and I hope you learn from us.<p>Debbie

A very good point, Faith.<p>Prior to my shift to Plan B, one of my former W's sisters was my biggest supporter and she lurked here frequently. She and I would communicate via e-mail and she knew many MBer's stories and would even point me to certain posts.<p>Shortly after I went to Plan B, I made a careless post, was promptly and appropriately jumped on by other posters, and within hours I thought about what I had posted and went back and deleted the whole thing.<p>But the damage had been done.<p>My SIL, apparently all along a "double agent", had already printed out my original post and it was in the mail on its way to my WS. And boy, did my WS ever make quick use of that! She used it as proof that I hadn't changed, I was only trying to hurt her, and she had made the right decision to leave me, blah, blah, blah.<p>Lessons learned: 1) as Faith suggests, post as if your WS AND her family are reading, and 2) be very careful in trusting your in-laws.<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

I AGREE THIS IS A FORM TO HELP NOT HURT, I LET MY HUSBAND READ ALL THE REPLYS THAT I GET AND WHILE MOST OF THEM ARE VERY HELPFUL THER ARE A FEW OUT THERE THAT DOWN ME FOR WHAT I'VE DONE BUT FAIL TO REALIZE THAT I'M TRYING TO DO THE BEST THING EVER AND THAT IS TO MAKE MY MARRIAGE BETTER THAN EVER AND NEVER HURT MY HUSBAND AGAIN. NEVER. SO SOME OF YOU NEED TO THINK TWICE ABOUT WHAT YOU WRITE TO PEOPLE WHEN THER'RE TRYING TO REBUILD THEIR MARRIAGE

My H has read a couple hundred of my posts. Some of the really ugly ones, from separations 2-7. But until he did, I'm not sure he knew how hard I had tried, how bad his behavior had been, how drained my lovebank was, and exactly how I was going about moving on at that point.<p>He can read my posts if he wishes. He knows I still post. He knows I view it as keeping me on task, and a giving back of the support I received.<p>I've told him that when I post about the bad times, the WS he was then, that it hardly seems like he is that person. In recovery he has been a very good husband, putting forth lots of effort. Floating me at times.<p>After a couple years, if Plan A hasn't worked, if Plan B hasn't worked, the A has continued, I think there is a time when the advice to Kick Butt to Curb is appropriate. And, I am talking YEARS of the Plan A/B, not months.<p>But if it someone's desire to continue waiting & hoping & standing for their marriage, I think there's always support for that.<p>There's support here for WSs as well. But unfortunately when a BS says they can't control themselves & LBed, they get sympathy, but when a WS says they can't control themselves and they've contacted the OP...the anger comes rolling out.<p>We all should know we can't control our spouse, but we can control ourselves.<p>And, thinking your spouse may be reading, does keep you honest [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .

Thanks for all your input. I'm sure there will be more. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dawn, welcome to MB, we are proud of you for being here to learn, and to work hard. Be sure to hold on to the stuff that helps you, and set the other stuff aside - maybe save it for later. None of us are professionals, and we do our best to offer our thoughts - based on our experiences, our observations here, and lots of research. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Most of it is good stuff, but occasionally you'll see something that doesn't quite fit in with MB. Take us all with a grain of salt. Please don't mistake "tough love" advice for mean-ness. We are all reluctant, at times, to listen to something that will ultimately really help us. But you are right, (and I guess that's really part of my point) in that we need to be careful how we word things.<p>Thanks all... interested in more thoughts and opinions....

Faith,<p>I think I'll go back and look at some of my old posts. Don't think I've been tooo vicious but I'd hate to let a rant and vent session scare off anybody ESPECIALLY my H.<p>Lor, <p>I do think if H does read my posts now or in the future it would give him a better insight into my POV(and other BS & WS). I'm hoping H is reading, but I wish he would let me know if he is. <p>Faith,<p>I think how we word things is the key.<p>Replaced

Nice to see someone thinking of this.. My husband has read some, but will not post, because he is offended by many post. I for one dont mind if he reads anything I write, I have no secrets. <p> Some dont see that someone rebuilding there marriage and they happen to be a WS, they react to that person as they would love to react to the one that has directly effected them in thier life.
But while they are busy judging, they dont have a clue that I may have been a BS as well and know what it feels like.
We shouldnt be judging any one, just try and be supportive and not angry at someone because thier opinion differs from yours. I hope others read this and think a little.

A long time ago I mentioned in one of my posts that I felt that disrespectful judgements made towards WSs on these boards can turn into bad attitudes towards the WS in person.<p>I agree, venting can still be done - without the disrespectful judgements. Venting is often a good way to assist in sorting out why we are angry - if we are open to hearing from others how our OWN thinking and behavior might have contributed to the situation.<p>If every person here acted as if their WS could read or hear them by avoiding disrespectful judgements, I think alot of Plan A's would be improved immeasurably.

If you followed SNL and Thinker, you know that one of the things we have to deal with if our Spouse reads here is different points of view.
(thats not how it was, is to, is not.) <p>I have tried to be careful of that - and my W has come and read some of my posts. I asked her if I was accurate. She said I was. It made me feel good to think I was not slanting things to one point of view. <p>That's another thing to keep in mind when posting. Would your spouse dispute the facts as you have posted them ?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What if we pretended that our spouses are reading this board? <hr></blockquote>
I don't have to pretend. I have never understood the idea that you should post something you would not say to your S. Honesty right?<p>Especially over in the "Recovery" board, I really think it would be great if everyone had their S participating. <p>The worst "violation" of your idea that I see though, is the WS who comes here and posts about how great sex was with the OM, and how much she "yearns" for him (puke). I have responded to such posts in the past by asking the WS what she thinks I should say to her H should he come to MBs for help. I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I think most of the "withdrawal" talk I read here is inappropriate because it's usually clear that the WS is not telling their BS the truth. <p>David

Am not sure where to begin..........but another of those timely subjects.......timely e mails.<p>Am sure most of you remember 2 weeks ago with WH sending the e mail to me that was meant for OW......well for whatever reason WH chose to come look in on MB, hasn't done this, was here one time when I begged him to come check out all the good info I was learning. Something about his story being so unique and nothing like the ones here. I had even had this in one of my posts 2 weeks ago you think I would've learned!
"WH may even be here lurking am not sure, hasn't done it before but knows I come here for support!!"<p>When WH was done reading he needed to e mail me and blast me and tell me that if I went back and read what I posted I wouldn't like myself, I'm thinking I've gained so much and feel that I am a stronger person. I thank you all for strengthing me!!! There was a lot of anger in the words that WH typed today.<p>I now wish that I would have been more careful with what I write sometimes!! But I do come here to vent and don't let all of that out on him and I do so need your input as I am so confused most of the time, recently especially!!! I will be more careful with what I type from now on.<p>Again I am sure that I was meant to see this email for some reason, I just wish the writing was on the wall for me!!<p>Faith am sorry for going on on your thread!! didn't want to start my own post on the subject!!<p>C ya,
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

ahhh, daybreak. you said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"WH may even be here lurking am not sure, hasn't done it before but knows I come here for support!!" <hr></blockquote><p>This reminds me of something I have noticed... whenever someone includes something like that in their post, or "WS may be reading, so please advise accordingly", the advice given is different - ok, maybe not the actual advice, but the wording and tone - is more gentle, less judgmental, geared more toward team-work, forgiveness, moving forward, etc. I think this is one direction I was trying to take. If we all started every post with, "My WS may be reading this..."... what would our posts and replies be like?<p>Thank you all for responding. I was hoping to get some discussion going, and explore this a little bit. You are all are bringing up excellent points, and verbalizing some of this stuff wayyyyy better than I could.<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith,<p>Let me ask what brought this subject up for you? Have you asked you FWH to come here or has he done so on his own? Just wondering, we have been on the same wave length some lately!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, I asked him to come, but I don't think he has. When he asked my screen name, I very respectfully said that I didn't want to tell him right then. I told him he could probably figure it out, which is fine, but I wanted him to come here for HIM, and not to dig up all my posts. Since then (2 weeks ago), I have been mulling the thought over about WHEN or IF the WS decides to come check this place out.<p>Also, a friend told me that their WS didn't want to come here because of the anger. That's what I mentioned in my first post. "MB is the place where people hate their spouses." I was like, huh?? This is MARRIAGE BUILDING... there's no hatred here... ummm... is there? Could it possibly appear that way to some? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, I've been mulling those thoughts over... thinking, [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] "Well, if they would just COME here with an open-mind, they would SEE we're all about good!!! hmmmph!"... and also, "Well, of course they don't like this place. We make them look in the mirror and face their mistake!!! hmmmph!"<p>I knew these weren't the right attitudes.... not the answers... we're all guilty of something... and Plan A is about facing our own marital transgressions... I am hoping that lurking spouses can see that from our posts....<p>thanks for asking daybreak... no hidden agendas, really. Not trying to set a good environment for my XH... (although I hope he comes here) ... Just wanted to explore this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I told my H from D-day forward, that my life is an open book, that I have nothing to hide (he was doing a lot of projecting--some may remember he tried to pin the STD transmission on me! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ), and he was welcome to all my passwords, Email accounts, etc. So far, he has not bothered with it, but I presume that he could read my stuff at any time. I imagine it would piss him off no end no matter how I wrote whatever I wrote, but if for no other reason, it is good for all of us to practice no LBs in all aspects of our lives, so something definitely to keep in mind as we post.

I am probably in the minority here, but I have to believe that I can come on this site and vent and say whatever is on my mind. If I thought about what would my husband think if he read this... will he get mad, angry or upset, I would never be able to write half of the things I write. If I can't say what I need to say here, then I would certainly LB more. Getting things "off my chest" in this forum helps me from blowing up at him. Sorry if I am out of line here, this is just MHO.

I did post some things in anger a few weeks ago and I did call my WH stupid, he's not stupid he is one of the smartest people I know he is just doing some stupid things as I see them. When he came here and read he came back at me with great anger and said that I should be looking at myself in the mirror that I would probably not like what I would see and that I needed to move on with my life. That day I probably wouldn't have, give me a break it has been 17 months I am tired. I am moving forward everyday and gaining strength. <p>How far back did WH read I am not sure, right now I don't think I can see him taking the time to set and do the research necessary to read my posts, I think he just hit upon the last few that were posted as vents with anger, that is not me, I have tried so hard to remain a loving person towards my WH so that if that big "if" were to happen I wouldn't have said any mean or hateful things that we would have to work our way through. I had thought that most times the love that I maintain for my WH shines through some where in my post, he just chose a really bad day to lurk. And for that I am sorry!! And will type as if he is reading! Says that he will never come back to MB, but will still be careful with the words that I use from now on!!<p>I didn't think that my WH could be hurt by what I type or say here as he is so moved on from me and our marriage, I didn't think and that was my problem!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Be careful out there!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Faith,
I ran into this situation just this evening. My W regularly reads here. I received a reply on my thread from another WS and what was said wasn't easy for her but she says that she needs to hear
"things as they are", so to speak. She is here as I write this. She feels that the honesty is important even if it isn't pleasant.
As for the idea of "venting". That is important ,also. We must have a place that we can express our anger and hurt no matter which side it is. I personally think that doing it here may be better sometimes. Even as a WS I can't help but to expect this on occasion and don't blame my W at all. Sometimes when we are doing this "in person" it can get out of hand but we all need to release those feelings. Maybe we need a "disclaimer" at the end of some of these posts(as I've seen before) saying "I'm sorry but I needed to get that out." or "I don't hate my S but I am hurting.". You can see what I'm getting at, I think. We are all human and our emotions get the best of us more than we would like them to. Our points can be made without the disrespectful judgements.
"Practice what we Preach"?
Brw
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]