Since I've seen so many comments on this thread about the "baby-steps", I thought I'd let you know that there is a very good description/plan/process of working the baby-steps in Michelle Weiner-Davis' book "Divorce Remedy"...she starts you off with writing what your goals are, and goes from there to break them down and down into small enough chunks that are achieveable...that you can monitor and feel good about. It was very, very helpful to me.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

{{{Odile}}}<p>I am in a rush just now so will be brief... Miss O, just focus on TODAY. Try not to let your mind play tricks on you. "What if he never gets it".... Let those doubts and worries about tomorrow pass through you, and don't dwell on the future.<p>Put your faith in God and in yourself before you put your faith in your H. Trust that you can survive this, and thrive as a woman ... no matter what.<p>Make up your mind that for now, for today, you will not collapse. You will keep your chin up and deal with life as it comes at you. You will rest when you are tired. You will sleep when you are sleepy. You will eat when you are hungry. You will laugh when you feel like it. You will cry when you feel like it. And there is nothing wrong with being who you are, where you are ... and you will make it through today.<p>Baby steps for you too!<p>I have been where you are ... and now, I look back and see how strong I became ..... and you will too!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

{{odile}}<p>Naturally you feel overwhelmed! BUT...don't give up, don't give up, don't give up.<p>Surely you have been the giver and he the taker. Give it a few more months though. Don't allow yourself to collapse until OW is gone and you have had some counseling sessions and WH has had time, post-OW, to prove he's changed. What you are doing now is not for the here and now. It's for your family 5, 10, 15 years in the future.<p>If, after all that, he shows no signs of making fundamental changes, then it is decision time for you. In the meantime, work on your IC and a full-time job. Do the schools in your area hire instructors in your field? Will your prospects be greater once both C are in school? Must you stay in the UK if the M breaks up?<p>You have been so strong. I know, you don't want to have to be strong. It's not fair, but thank goodness the C have you for their mum. You have put your heart and soul into your Plan A and into efforts to ride out H's A. You have succeeded wonderfully. Hold on for a little longer. It's not just for you, it's for the kids' future. That's worth giving all you've got and then some. Then you can look back years from now and know you gave your very best to preserve your family. And, it just may work out!<p>Take care,
Estes

O,
Just so you can see what patience and time, Plan A, and Steve can accomplish...check out my post today on page 18 of "Affairs that don't end..." click below:

{{{Odile}}}},<p>Just wanted to chime in here as well -- take it one minute at a time. Work on your Plan A which is about you. What do you want out of life? Go for it! Hang in there a little longer. You will know when it is time to go to Plan B. When it is, then go to it.<p>You are going to survive no matter what happens. You are strong and are becoming stronger every day. Remember that every single BS on this site at one time belived their WS would never "get it" and that their BS would never take back the hurtful things that were said about the BS. Well, every BS in recovery has had those very things happen.<p>Keep you chin up.<p>FHO

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

{{{**ODILE**}}}<p>Ya know what Miss O?.... I don't think your extraordinary evening was so counter-productive at all! Sometimes this occasional exchange of hot emotions is good for both of you. (doesn't seem like it at the time, but in the long run, it is) It's rather like a volcano that has been building up pressure ... and there is a small vent of steam ... and it eases the pressure enough to forstall a really violent and destructive eruption!!!<p>If your going to "take aim" at the elephant, Miss O, you have to know that the elephant is going to present you with a response somewhat less pleasant than a garden tea party [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sometimes, after years, and children, and problems .... marriages become mundane, dull, settled .... and completely without spark. Comfortable and homey ... but bor-r-r-ing. You simply took hold of "comfortable" and stood it on it's head. Nothing wrong with that!<p>My flea-bitten advice, my dear, sweet sister Miss O .... do something unexpected and atypical of your usual self at least once a week. Something that will liquidate mundane expectations of your usual routine. Mix it up a little. Have some fun with this. Use your imagination.<p>I know you are simultaneously dealing with grief and loss from another area of your life .... and I offer heartfelt condolences. All the more reason to interrupt your established patterns, and forge a new path.<p>You are about to embark on a journey of self discovery. You can choose to sit and wait for "What's going to happen to me next?" .... OR ... you can challenge yourself to explore new paths. Like a gold prospector, you will discover false/fools gold ... but, you will also experience the uncommon joy of finding the real thing ... the prize, the treasure, the booty you desire!<p>You are authoring your life script! (And you are an excellent writter) Write an exciting and fulfilling life! ---> "Here is a woman who, standing in the room of pain, fear, and adversity ... tells the beast ... ' GO TO HELL!'." [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I, for one, think the elephant is now aware there is a new Miss O in town ... and the elephant has been put on notice .... "This crap will not be allowed on MY carpeting in MY home! Thank-you-very-much!"<p>Hang tough sweetie!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear odile,<p>I'm sorry for the stressful night!! <p>I am concerned that you are stalking the wrong elephant, the decoy. The rogue elephant is still lurking in the brush. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> - he said he hadn't wanted to hurt me that was why he had thrown the pillows at me b/c he knew they wouldn't hurt me. <hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I went in the other room, did not want to go upstairs where I could be cornered. <hr></blockquote><p>This abusiveness is still an area of significant concern to me, odile. What he is really meaning is, "I AM angry enough to hurt you." He still struck out at you physically. He DID want to hurt you. That's frightening. Please do not let this aspect of his character be overshadowed by concern about the A. <p>His inability to deal with his anger (probably truly his anger at HIMSELF) in a constructive way will continue to force a wedge between you and ENDANGER YOU emotionally and physically. This reinforces to me what we read here at MB often, that an A is a symptom, not the main issue. The main issues for your H are internal, not external.<p>Stay safe and hold your ground about his agressive and abusive behavior.<p>Hope you enjoy Her Majesty's celebration,
Estes<p>[ June 01, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

How you doing?<p>P [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi! I'm back again - we were away for a couple of days and we're all now back home and settled down.
I'm feeling better in myself and about things between us. I have my first counselling appt tomorrow am (an assessment) and that's a good thing - I know I need to get in to counselling and be able to sort out all this stuff - and sooner or later, this has to lead to mutual counselling with both of us, but we are not there yet.<p>Sunday we spent with my H's brother, who lost his W to suicide 6 mos. ago - this week my BIL has had a woman friend staying with him - she was a childhood friend of his W - although I am prepared to accept a new woman in my BIL's life, all my red flags went up about this woman, and over the past 2 days, my H and I watched and listened and don't like anything that we see happening there - she is a very domineering woman and is already driving a wedge between my BIL and his dead wife's family - I am sure that next will come the wedge between my BIL and my H - she is divisive - and she said many critical and disparaging things about my dead SIL to both me and my H - wierd.<p>So the upshot of it is that my H and I have been brought together to fight a common enemy - we are v concerned about my BIL - but the good thing is that we are talking to each other a lot about this, and it is also an opportunity to talk about how manipulative people work on vulnerable people - the mechanics of how they do this - and how best to combat someone with such an agenda. I think that in this case, my experience can be very helpful - how to tell when someone is sincere - how to see when people are revealing their true colours - how to protect yourself - how not to fall into traps - how to fight behind their back - how to protect your own R with your loved one. This is what we are talking about. My H is listening to me, but he also has a lot of awareness himself, which I can see, and am respecting. The worst thing that could happen would be for my H to lose the loving R of trust that he and his B have been building these past 6 months - they each need the other right now.<p>So the heat is off "us" for now. OW2 is gone back to France. This is my first week without having to worry about what she is up to with him behind my back - although they could still be in e-mail contact. But my H has been actively trying to let me know that I am his Number 1, and I give him lots of credit for this. (Being the Only One is top of my list of needs).
I do realize that he needs time to work out his own problems in counselling and this is what I need to let him do and be patient.<p>Yesterday was our 14th anniversary. In the morning, he reached out and hugged me in the kitchen - he was very loving - I think we were both feeling the sense of how difficult this last year has been but feeling relief and gladness that we are still together. Hugging each other so tightly let each other know how much we still love each other. We decided to take the boys to see Star Wars - the matinee showing, and after it was over, walked home - and stopped in Woolworths - we laughed because we were each looking for an anniversary card for the other - that's how low-key our celebration was - and when we got home, we made sausages for dinner, and he cracked open a bottle of bubbly and we toasted each other. It was just right - I couldn't have asked for anything better. We are still together and we obviously still love each other and we are both working on our problems. That's good.<p>Thinking back on to Friday night - I don't think it is such a bad thing it happened although is was scary at the time - I think it showed him how much of a problem his behaviour really is and that it is NOT just "all me". <p>I am also hoping that this situation with my BIL will help him see the workings of a manipulative person - b/c I do think OW2 showed clear signs of being manipulative and that he fell for that - she drove a deep wedge between us and made herself out to be the innocent victim of my unreasonable jealousy - with terrible results for our M - he needs to see that a true friendship does not have this effect on a M - so anyone who thinks an EA is not a "serious" threat to a M is deeply mistaken. <p>So I'm feeling a lot more level-headed, but still feel v cautious - I won't consider OW (any other woman) to not be a threat to our M until our M measures up to "healthy standards" with mutual trust, respect, protection, good communication between us about each other's thought and feelings, and the ability to negotiate with each other without conflict which provokes fear. So I guess the fair thing to say is we have a lot of work left to do.<p>I am so grateful to this forum for all the support - which has saved me from despair and actually helped save my M - I think I would have blown my top and walked out a long time ago without the steadying effect of the people on this forum. I kind of see you all out there in "cyberspace" waving at me! Like the photoalbum in Harry Potter - saying "Go Girl!"
My number one goal would be to be HAPPILY and HEALTHILY married to my H in 5 years time - and I know this forum supports that goal, so thanks again everybody.<p>Take care,
Odile

{{{Odile}}} ... be good to yourself throughout all of this. <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, glad you are back. It's sad about your BIL. I suspect that he is quite vulnerable these days, not over his wife's death at all. I hope this woman doesn't cause continued trouble, taking advantage of a man who is still grieving. It didn't take long for her to push her way in.
How awful of her to speak ill of your late SIL!<p>It's good to hear that things are going smoothly with H.<p>From the telly reports on Her Majesty's celebrations it appears the weather was uncharacteristically sunny. I saw clear, blue skies in London!<p>Estes

Hi there,
I'm just posting to say that I'm feeling really down - I'm trying to hide this from my H, but I'm pretty sure he can tell. Nothing new has happened between us, in fact, after our anniversary and him telling me I'm the only one in his life, I should be happy.<p>I went to my first counseling appt on Thurs AM, and it was after that that I went downhill emotionally - my H had to spend the night away that eve, for work, and was back Fri eve, and we had a good family day yesterday - today I've been home with the boys and everything is normal.<p>But inside, I'm so down - I think I'm having a reaction to all the stress of the last year and more - the prospect of there being a safe place (counselling) to tell someone about my feelings just brings up all my feelings of hopelessness. My H exploded at me last Friday and although he apologized the next AM, to me that's just part of the same old pattern - everything is fine as long as I don't rock the boat - right now, we're in the "everything is fine" stage. The only difference is that now he's in counselling - I know that I have co-dependency issues - but I am willing to deal with that - what I see is that all this affair stuff started at a time in our lives when the last kid started school and I started on my first project out of the house since I had children - I think this triggered the lonliness in him that compelled him towards other women - so it's a cycle - any independence on my part (which is what I need, and part of a healthy R) is going to trigger more need in him - I just don't see it getting any better - the more I work on me, the worse he's going to get, unless his therapy works for him, and I have no idea about that - he doesn't talk to me about anything. <p>So all of a sudden, I have just turned off - I just can't respond to him anymore - I just feel trapped and hopeless - i want out of this boat and getting out of the boat rocks it bad. Last night I turned my back on him in bed - and I'm sure all day he knew something was up - I've stopped touching him, smiling, flirting or meeting his eyes. I just can't. I can't take being ripped apart, blamed, or ripped into anymore - I can't - my only hope is counselling, but right at THIS moment, I am just going day to day, and thankful for the times he is not here so I don't have to pretend.<p>He is striding ahead in his job and everybody loves him, but I am dying inside. Anybody ever been here before? Is there any hope for an abusive R turning around? Last night I lay with my back to him and he reached out and patted me over and over again and asked how I was - I said I was just feeling kind of quiet, and thanks for asking - he left me alone. How do I get out of this mood?<p>Odile

Odile~~ Are you depressed? How long has this been going on? Do you think it possibly might be time to explore antidepressant medication? They can really make a huge difference.<p>Hope you are doing better now.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, Pepperband,
Yes, I'd say I'm depressed - I recognize the signs - i have been medicated twice before in my life - once, before I was married (that depression was related to my feelings about my H) and the second time I was diagnosed with Post-Natal Illness (I was on Prozac for 3 years).<p>But the situation is this - I am in a double-bind here - the stress of this is setting up depression in me as a reaction to all of this, yet I'm convinced that my depression is at least partly related to the dynamics of my R with my H, which is now going on 17 years that we have known each other. And he has consistently used my depression as a club to beat me with, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for his own behaviour. I'll give you an example.<p>Several years ago, he agreed to play a couple of recitals (he's a musician) with a friend who lives in another European country. Our two boys were 2 and 5 at the time - it was late winter in Northern Europe (cold and sleety). The friends we were staying with are good friends, but the wife has never had children and her house is full of chatchkas - her toys, but stuff she would be anxious not to have broken by REAL children - know the type? Well, our friendship works this way - they visit us, they stay with us, we pay for everything - turnabouts usually fair play, except as the years have gone by, we have acquired 2 children, so not really a fair deal, except that small children don't actually eat so much and I bring their "special kid's food" with me when I travel. So my H agrees to do these concerts with her. Then he says let's all go - he really wants us along, why let the fact that the kids are with us stop us from enjoying our friends?
After he says we'll all come, she makes arrangements for us to stay in a nearby "holiday flat" just a few yards away - so we can "have our own space" - she books the reservation. It's clear she can't handle us all in the house. So now my H is committed to going, but now he has to pay hotel fees for the family for a week. But they agree that she will provide all the food - "don't worry, you can eat with us". Off we all go - it's a 2-day drive (with a 2-yr old and a 5-yr-old in the car).<p>When we get there, everything is hunky-dory, except it's up to me to watch the kids in her chatchka house while he and she work - practicing several hours a day, then 2 evening concerts in local churches in the course of a few days. Basically, I'm along for the ride, with two small children, in someone else's house, and if I don't want to be there, I can go back to our hotel and let them watch TV. Only because SHE is supposed to be providing the food, my lovely H (whom everybody adores because he's SO talented and charming) won't give me any money to buy food for the kids, so I can feed them during the day. I need money - German money - he has all the money and our passports - he argues with me when I say I really need to go shopping so I can feed the kids so I don't have to bug X for food. He disagrees, saying that isn't part of the deal. At this point in our lives, I was a SAHM and he controlled ALL the money - made me ask for every penny (I now know that this is a classic symptom of an abusive R) - eventually he goes shopping with me and lets me buy breakfast cereal, bread and juice so I can give the kids breakfast when they wake up, but for lunch and dinner, we are still at the mercy of our friends' non-child-friendly schedule. So the tension builds, because our friend isn't interested in providing meals when she has work to do (practicing and performing) - maybe I could have stepped into her house and started cooking, but her H is there, and he's a good cook, so I would be stepping on 2 sets of toes if I did that. The kids are always hungry and always in the way - my H is torn between having to work and wanting to do stuff with us and he isn't getting it that there's a BIG problem which could be so easily solved - because deep down, his agenda is to stay in control - so whose fault is it that things are getting tense? MINE. Why? Because I'M A DEPRESSIVE - because I have suffered from depression, and if the mood changes when everyone else is happy, well, gosh, it must be my mixed-up wife who can't seem to be happy no matter what you do for her. So eventually, he blows - we took the kids out (all that week was sleety and cold, so the kids were stuck indoors) to a Viking museum (great museum) and on the way back, I "read the map wrong" and we found ourselves going the wrong way on the motorway. He exploded and started screaming that he had had enough - he stopped the car at the edge of the motorway and jumped out, screaming at me that I was a depressive and he couldn't take it anymore. The kids were belted into their car seats, both of them screaming with fear. I got out of the car so they wouldn't have to experience this in the small space of the enclosed car, where they were trapped. I said I didn't have to be treated like this and I wanted to go home, that I wanted my passport back and I would take the kids home on the train. That sent him into a further rage - proof of my irrational behaviour. Eventually he calmed down and we proceeded home in silence. He never really acknowledged that the tension we all were experiencing was caused by his decision to keep relentless control of the money and not to listen to my needs or the children's needs. I know that he felt guilty about his outburst, because he said so to our son the next day - "Sometimes Daddy isn't very nice to Mummy". But to this day, he is convinced that it is my "depression" and my "moods" which he is just reacting to. Now, at that time, I was not depressed - but no amount of saying that means anything to him.
What man who loves his wife, if she really was depressed, would treat her this way?<p>Now do you see why I really AM depressed? This "affair" business is just a symptom of the problems in our R, which are far bigger than the fact that my H has had 2 EAs in 18 months - I still say that he is not a BAD person - in fact, he can be a wonderful person, but I do not have to take being treated like this. Whatever rows we had always had this kind of behaviour at the heart of them - his controlling, abusive behaviour. This has to stop. And I have to deal with my own feelings in some other way than going on medication, because to do so will only give him justification for his "altered perception" of reality. I am telling myself that I am not willing to go through my life being medicated just so I can tolerate living with my H. My only hope is counselling - at this point, if he were not in counselling, I would not be here. But I'm praying that we get somewhere in counselling. Hope isn't something I can live on anymore, and I guess the depression has come, because I have taken away that crutch and need to make and see real changes here.<p>So this AM, i kind of mentally shook myself and told myself i didn't have to take being beaten down like this, and I knew what I had to do to try to move ahead. If I don't move forward with moves to be independent, then I will be letting the fear he has created in me dominate me and rule what I do - OK, so he may get more violent if I start to gain independence, but he may not - am I going to let fear make my decisions? No, I shouldn't. So I have to pick myself up - I just got knocked down and dusted temporarily. I need to ignore him - when he's like that he's just being a big 'ol playground bully - so I've got myself up again on my 2 feet and I'm going to start walking again. If I don't, I might as well go out<p>AND LAY DOWN IN THE YARD! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hey! I cheered myself up!
You one good pep talker, Pepperband!<p>Odile

Talkin' to myself here, but hey, it's Ok, ahm just pluggin' along - H is away for 3 days doing a project for work - glad he is doing something so constructive for his career.<p>And me, I can relax a little and try to get a grip. I did at least one positive thing today - scheduled an appt with a careers counselor for Friday to get some advice on my future - speech therapy? library work? garden designer? - so I will have done that before my H comes home. I also got an application for a credit card - this is something I really want but am afraid I won't get because I still only work part-time, and it's supposed to be based on MY income only (is that fair or what?). I also brought my papers home from work of stuff my lawyer sent me - I need to write back and sign some stuff saying I understand the terms of the law practice, and I also want to put in writing the abusive confrontation I had with my H on 31 May. I don't trust things to go smoothly, and feel I still need to take steps to protect myself - documenting these confrontations with a lawyer is part of that.<p>Today I was really questioning my sanity. Anybody else ever feel like that? My H has denied everything every time I have asked, and exploded into violence when his buttons are pushed. So today I really started to wonder whether or not I am making too much out of his "friendships" - maybe it really is me - maybe I really am not seeing things clearly because I am actually not the normal person I think I am, but a neurotic dependent depressive who is clingingly jealous and has to control my spouse with my passive/aggressive behaviour. I really got myself wondering - mostly because I just felt so bad.<p>I kept telling myself, now let's just look at the FACTS here. Last year, I found a letter from my H to his best friend's 17 yr old daughter saying he couldn't imagine his life without her in it somehow, and that she had "brought joy flooding into so many areas of his life - and all because of you". That is a fact. Fast forward. In Feb I managed to guess the password on his new e-mail account - was just playing around, not expecting to find anything. And I found an exchange of e-mails between him and a girl I had only met once and didn't even know he was friends with. He said to her - "I'll be thinking of you tomorrow (when he was IN CHURCH!) - I kiss all your blonde parts - big wet ones in all the right places - don't smile at the pianist (in choir rehearsal) you know it distracts him." Later e-mails said "I TXT msgd you 3 times today, so why am I e-mailing you again right before I go to sleep?" and "All this teaches me that we don't choose our friends - fate chooses them for us and we have to accept love when it comes and be responsible for ourselves..." (gag me with a fork - this is a TOTAL negation of personal responsibility - I guess you could call it ROMANTIC?). These are facts. Add to that his violent, nearly uncontrollable explosions. These are facts. <p>So I look at the facts. Am I over-reacting to "innocent friendships"? Should I just accept that "you can't fulfill all of a person's emotional needs" (as I have been told by his oldest Christian friend) and just let him have these attachements because "that's what he needs".
Well - AM I over-reacting? Does anybody else think I am over-reacting?<p>Today I thought - so what if I am - the point is I am desperately unhappy with the situation as it is - and if my mental health is suffering and I am now questioning my own sanity, I have to put myself first - and putting myself first means I have to prove to myself that I am not sick. The best way to prove to myself that I am not sick is to demonstrate how capable I am - so I need to work on developing my career, which I haven't made much progress on because I have been down and frightened.<p>OK? So I made that appointment today, and got myself a credit card application. And there are other things to do, too - but I have told myself just one thing a day - and that will be 5-7 things at the end of the week that I will have done to further myself. <p>I just reminded myself of the story of the donkey that fell down the well - the farmer couldn't get it out so he decided to bury the donkey and put it out of its misery - he kept shoveling dirt down the well, but he couldn't see that the donkey kept stamping on the dirt, and every time a shovel-ful went in, the well got a little less deep - finally, the farmer had thrown so much dirt down the hole, the donkey reached the top, and just walked out. So hey, I'm trying to stamp that dirt down and use it to stand on!!<p>As a side-note, my H seems OK with me - he has been really kind. Not demanding like he always used to be. He used to never touch me except when he wanted sex. But now he's been hugging me a lot - it's like he sees I'm down and keeps patting me on the back, or putting his arms around me and trying to comfort me - the other day, he just turned around in the kitchen and came back to me and wrapped me up in a big bear hug. I don't know what to make of him. I get the message that he loves me, but I don't know what this means - it doesn't mean we can talk - that's too dangerous to even try if he explodes at me again - so it's all I can do to not cry when he hugs me. I still appreciate this, though and I'm glad he is reaching out to me to try to give me what I need - this IS the kind of touch I have always needed. It's just I'm so confused that I don't know if it's too late. My LB$ is nearly empty.<p>Last night he wanted to make love to me and my body responded but my emotions were very distant and afterwards I burst into tears.<p>Rollercoaster ride? Can't I have a breather?<p>Odile

^^bump^^

Odile~~~<p>Well, I'll make you a deal ... I'll TELL YA when I think you're crazy! ... Just ask me, OK? NO ... you are not crazy .... BUT ... you ARE depressed ... and you're crazy if you don't get treated! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I don't give a rat's patootie what your H says about your need to have a pill that helps your neurotransmitters be more effective .... he can go piss up a tree for all I care! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I myself had many, many experiences of tears immediately following SF with Mr. Pepper. It is a good sign, the way I look at it! <p>You are not a robot ... you are a woman who has deep feelings and tenderness ... and when you are sexual ... these feelings that you've managed to suppress in your ordinary daily activity... these feelings flood into your being, and you weep. These are life's tears. And you are NOT crazy to weep. Weeping is your door to wisdom.<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~<p>Ecclesiastes 7 2-4<p>It is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting.
For that is the end of every man, and the living should take it to heart.<p>Sorrow is better than laughter, because when the face is sad the heart grows wiser.<p>The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~<p>It is OK to feel the way you are feeling. As far as I can tell ... you're appropriately upset.<p>Take care<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>