were you the other women? If so i would like to know some things....<p>1. How could you get involved with some one who is have relationship problems w/wife of many years (13) <p>2. What did you think you could get out of a relationship with a with a married man w/children?<p>3. What was going threw your mind? Did you think that the time spent with you was adding to, not helping the problems that were already there?<p>4. I can't see how any women could get involed with a man if he has a family. He has made a comittment to a wife and children, marrages go threw hard times, and if more women would not get involed with married men less affair would happen. i would like to think so.
Why? How? I just don't get it!!!<p>Would like to know anything about women how have done this, would like to know how you feel about yourself now and then? I talking to the women who had the affair and the husband went back to the wife. <p>I am having a hard time with dealing with this afffair he had, he moved out, (i did not think of us as being seperated but he did)
I don't know if he moved out to have the affair or it came up after he moved out. (he said the latter)<p>He told me about it months after it was over and could not talk that much about the afffair, i know...
* when it took place
* that it was someone i don't know
* that he does not talk to her
* she does not call him
*they don't talk
That is all, it has been over a year sence he told me, and we have not about it, i told asked him to tell me if there was any contact, and as of yet it has never been brought up again.<p>Counclers have told me to let it go. Forget about it, it's not emprtant, but i am having a big probelm with letting it go.
any help

I'm really sorry about your pain and what you've gone thru. From your post it sounds like you want someone that you can tear into...not ask questions of. Please remember that most of the OP, WS, and BS on this board are here because they want to learn from their past and heal their marriages (or have health future relationships). <p>I've been exactly where you are, and I know the pain is almost unbearable. Your councelors are wrong -- the affair and your feelings about it ARE important, and it HAS to be discussed or it'll fester and destroy your marriage. Open communication is absolutely vital for a healthy marriage, and essential for a damaged marriage to heal.<p>Nearly everyone here has been hurt from either side of infidelity, and you can get some wonderful help and advice. Good luck.<p>at peace<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]</p>

Yes you ae right about the anger. <p>I don't want to bring up the past, we are doing really well, but when i have a triger set me off i am back at square one. <p>Why do i have to know these things, he is not acking the way he did a year ago. <p>I guess i just want to know, so i can pervent it from happening again. Also know that i am not talking to her, i don't want to be friends with this person, it's their little secret and it is driving me crazy!!!<p>And to feel secure in our relationship. I want to trust him.
If i talk to him about it, i am noy ready to hear, he is not ready to talk about it.
I feel he is protecting her, by keeping her name from me, or keep being friends with her with out my knowing.
I have no clue who this person is. We ran into an old friend of our, one he told me he would have like to have dated but they were never single at the same time. <p>A triger was set off, was it her... who knows...<p>How can i go about talking to him about these things, all i want is to build the trust back up to a good levle. i don't want to talk to her. <p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
He is afraid of how i am going to respond. Will i try to talk to her? Will i tell her husband if she has one? Just what will i do. <p>I know i can reframe of contacting her or her husband, but it may change things between me and my husband. <p>i need help on how to bring this up to him without it being threating!
Thanks again for your reply

Sam,<p>I will be brave and answer your post. I am "the other woman" although, not YOUR "the other woman." <p>I can't answer all your questions, because they don't apply. But I will tell you that this man also lied to me (as well as to his wife), he misrepresented the status of his marriage, he said horrible things against his wife to me, to get me to think he was oppressed by a horrible woman who didn't understand him, was cold and cruel to him, and didn't appreciate what she had.<p>Of course, it all turned out to be lies. We are no longer an "item" because when push came to shove, and the divorce he insisted he was going to get with or without me became a real possibility, he panicked and ran back to his wife (he never told her about us). He was overwhelmed with fear at the possiblity of being alone. His "memory" changed, and suddenly the things he had said about both her and their relationship were "yeah, I really laid it on thick, didn't I?"<p>He used to say she was always angry at him and didn't trust him. I thought she was just unreasonable. Now that he has let his guard down with me, he has done many things to get me angry, broken promises, lied, etc. So, now I understand HER responses to him. Now, I see that it was really HIM, not so much her. Her lack of passion for him, which I didn't understand? I now SHARE it because of all the ways he has treated me as well.<p>In any case, on the rare occasion that I have called his house (he insists hang-ups are OK, because "we get them many times per week") and she has answered, I think, she sounds nice, what was he TALKING about.<p>We are still in casual touch, by phone (I live 3 states away). Our romance died a natural death, pretty much the way the romance in his marriage died from his misdeeds and neglect. He insists he wants to work on his marriage, and that things are much better. But his effort is a result of his relationship with me. I tell him he should tell her, that otherwise any progress they make is founded on a big lie. He insists he would be wrong to "put her through" this betrayal, but I say he has already betrayed her.<p>My point to you is this: the man can misrepresent the facts to the OW. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to his lover.<p>I know that may not help you, and doesn't answer many of your questions. But let me ask this question: is your anger really at the other woman? More so than at your husband? This is just something to ask yourself.<p>How do I feel about myself now, you ask? Simply, that I made a choice based on mistruths, slanted truths, and lies. If I had the whole truth to begin with, I would never have done this because of the pain it put me through, the time I wasted, and the relationship of my own that I ended to be with him.<p>Anyway, hope this helps.<p>Best wishes.<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: MJay ]<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: MJay ]</p>

MJay,
Not sure if you helped Sam or not, but I wanted to thank you for posting. I thought maybe you were "my" "other woman", when I first started reading, but you're not. whew! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think your post is valuable here, so that we can understand the mindsets of the WS and OP, in some situations.<p>thanks!

Faith, thank you for your very kind response. I just want to point out that I, too, have a recovery to go through. I, too, suffered. In fact, his wife knows nothing about this. He made off like a bandit--took tips from our happiness and made his marriage better, so he is happy, she is blissfully ignorant of the whole thing, while reaping the benefits of his new attention, and I suffer alone.

sam<p>I can see your hurting and I can honestly say I was exactly where you were at one time in my life, actually most of my married life. <p>I know all the triggers that set you off especially when you dont know who!? what!? when !?where and why!? I remember looking at all the people not trusting any one we knew or who might be around could that be her!? did they go here or there!? I dont want to drive down that road, cause i know he was there with Her. It all sounds so crazy now, But thats is what happens. <p>after many, many women and many incidents later, I became what I hated most. THE OTHER WOMAN. <p> Now why would someone who had been through all that even bother!? I didnt care if it would hurt H at that time, because i had died inside after so much hurt.
Because I was hurt and angry and going through a really hard time and falling apart. This om who knew of this wanted to get closer and thought what better way to do it.
He knew what to say and do.. turns out this was not a unique thing for him. He had done this before. I had not. He was 20 something years older.
He befriended me and my children. His are grown and gone. He had none with his current wife.
HE told me how he ended up married and made it sound aweful and he was lonely, he told me everything I could want to know about him.. the good and the bad. WE became best friends, He incorporated me into every aspect of his life, we worked together, we were off together.
In time we were making each other happy no one cared about the other personas spouse any more. I had been seperated at the time. because thats what happens you stop caring.
You become selfish there is no other answer. I was selfish. He was selfish. He didnt care what happened to my marriage and infact encouraged me to leave it and make it ppermenant. We were meeting all needs for each other the spouses were just there by this time.
He made me think how sad his life was and I was there to make every thing better, WE wanted a life together. He had me around his family on many occasions after a few years there werent many who didnt think they new what was going on. <p>We didnt care ignored it all.. so NO we didnt think about any one but our selves at this point. I dont expect either of us new it would have taken all the directions it did.
It was finally confirmed and she new, he of course did not tell her the whole truth but that was not my problem, I was pregnant and although he was going to be there for me.. he ran away like a coward. that brave strong man.. was a coward. I left and didnt look back.
to make a long story short. He woke up and decided he was an idiot after all and while I dont want to know and dont ask what the status of their marriage is they are together and he and I share my daughter and have worked along ways towards getting along for my daughter. we still have our moments when I want to thrw him off a cliff. but for the most part it is going well. <p> How do I feel about my self!? When it started I had lost all my self esteem. my husbands treatment and drinking and women had taken it all away. What did this man do for me.. He made me think I was the greatest woman on this earth, he loved me, he reminded me every day what I did for him. I was on top of the world.
what did I think when he went back, because he didnt want to lose his personal possesions or what ever the reason.. He left me alone and pregnant. I came crashing down and wanted to die. I had thought I had lost everything. When reality sat in I realised I had gained my self resppect back and was going to be a mother again and was going to be alone to care for my children. In time I got better and then excited about the baby. My husband came back and we began to work on us or so I thought.. but he was up to his same old tricks, so it was not real.
My daughter is almost two and I think My husband is better, I know I am better and would never want to be put in that postion again. We try and be more loving although we have more work to do. But I love my self now, something I had never done. <p> The triggers can still set you off, there are thing that to this day set me off about 15 years ago only to me it feels as if it happened yesterday. I dont know if they go away.. I think in time you learn to put them aside when you think of them.
I again am sorry AND I would like to say I know how you feel about being angry at all other women.. cause I think I blamed all women like that as well. ONLY MY SKIN IS THICKR NOW after being on this site. haha
so go ahead and scream, maybe it will help release some of that pain.
I wish you luck and sorry so long, I was on a roll, therapy for me too I guess.

When my H confessed his A on D-day and then subsequently balked at answering my questions about the OW's identity, I calmly got up and before I left the room to go take a shower, I calmly said, "Let me know when you're ready to protect me instead of her." (Since we were having this talk because he wanted to move back in after being separated for 6 days, he knew exactly what I was saying and that I expected him to be gone by the time I got out of the shower.)<p>As I was reaching to turn on the water, he came running in and told me the OW's name and started answering my questions. A lot of his answers were lies I later discovered, but he knew he wasn't going to get away with just not answering.<p>So, what it boils down to is where YOU are at. I was separated. I had nothing to lose. I was not interested in a man who has having an A with another woman or who was committed to protecting her rather than his wife (ME!). There would have been no point as far as I was concerned for the conversation to continue past that point if he was not going to tell me the basic facts of what he did and with whom. I was content to go back to what I was doing before he asked to talk to me--getting over him and moving on with my own life.<p>Decide what you want--what kind of life you want, what kind of relationship you want--and then decide on a plan to make those things happen. Someone who is not willing to reveal details of their A to their spouse is a WS who is not ready for recovery and is essentially working toward the next A because the M is not being rebuilt or affair-proofed. The MB plan for such a situation is Plan A and applying the POJA and 4 rules as best you can unilaterally until the WS decides to participate in recovery.<p>I also have to add that you do not "know" anything but what he is telling you, and he is obviously not a reliable source of information. Many of us found out that the things we were told initially were not the truth. The best thing is to accept where he is right now and work your own plan.

Sam:<p>I talked to my FWH's OW (#1 & #2) and got to set them straight on a few of the lies my FWH had told them during their affairs. <p>The end result was, they both realized after hearing the truth that a man who will cheat on his wife will also lie like a dog. (same goes for a woman who cheats...) <p>Everything has turned out just fine for us - and we've had several affairs to "work through" - so don't be discouraged. If you haven't already done so, read everything on this site, His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. <p>Time really does make a difference...the pain and bad memories will fade in time, tho they'll never completely go away. I understand about the triggers, too. Talk to your H about it; tell him what things trigger renewed pain for you and that you need some help dealing with it. Make talking about it "safe" for him (don't yell, accuse, rant, etc.). Make sure he knows you WANT to rebuild your marriage. <p>I wish you peace in your heart.<p>at peace

Sam, <p>I think you should be asking your husband these questions.<p> How could you cheat on me after many years?
What did you think you would get out of the relationship with the OW?
What was going through your mind? Didn&#8217;t you realize the time spent with OW was adding to our problems?
Why would you get involved with someone else when you had already made a commitment to a wife and children?<p>He&#8217;s the one who needs to be answering your questions. Yes, it takes two but the ½ of the two that you need to re-build a relationship with is HIM. The other woman&#8217;s answers, identity, address really aren&#8217;t important. You need to know what your husband was looking for, what he needed that he felt he wasn&#8217;t getting at home, what was going through his brain. He made the commitment to you and he&#8217;s the one who owes the amends to you. And maybe he thinks he&#8217;s protecting YOU by withholding her identity. And does it really matter? Regardless of who she was, if it wasn&#8217;t her, it would have been someone else.<p>Does this excuse the other woman? NO WAY, JOSE!

AS a long time Ow I can answer these questions but only as they related to my xMM.<p>I will try to be tactful, so here goes:<p>1. My EMA was a very selfish act. I really didn't have any concern about his W. I figured that it was his job to protect her not mine. At the same time there were times that I thought about her. I'd ask "where does she think you are?" His response was "she doesn't care...she doesn't care about me..." In time I thought "why do I care so much about a woman that is a stranger to me. He knows her, I don't. If he says that she doesn't care who am I to doubt that." Plus it suited my needs to think that she didn't care.<p>2. Personally, my MM had 3 children. I wasn't looking for marriage and a white picket fense. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to have fun. He was my friend and companion. <p>I think that sometimes MW look as OP through married people glasses. I behaved with this man just like I did with any other boyfriend. Personally, I wasn't looking for a "provider" or anything like that. I was having a good time. As long as he was willing to provide that I remained.<p>3. RE: what was going through my mind- I honestly had zero concern about the troubles in his marriage. When he'd whine about marital issues i'd ask "what do you want me to tell you. I've never been married." I was compassionate until I got sick of hearing about it. Then i'd simply change the subject.<p>4. As a wife I understand how you can't see why a woman would want to be involved with a married man. As a single woman, I have a long history of leaving them alone. But this guy was an old friend and we reconnected. I figured that if HE made a commitment to his wife that he wanted to keep he'd be at home. I felt like his marriage was HIS job to work on. Not mine.<p>Geez I really hope that this doen not come off b-tchy. It's not meant to.

posted by Katie Scarlett: <<Geez I really
hope that this does not come off b-tchy. It's
not meant to.>><p>Not at all...just refreshingly honest, and I, for one, appreciate it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>at peace

Thanks Girls!!!!!!
I have gone a year with knowing this has happened.
Not knowing who and where. i just know of the affair, when, how many times and that she was wanting more from him...he said that they both thought it was a bad idea to continue. In my mind i like to think she called if off,because he was not willing to leave me really.
It's like he wanted to get it off his mind to feel better about it that is why he told me. <p>He did answer most of my questions about it but not the who part.<p>Why he had the A. well he said he was not in love with me at the time, and he told me this at that time.(during the seperation)he also told me to see other people, that he was going to, but when i would ask it was always ,"no i'm not seeing anyone"<p>When he finaily wanted to really work on the marrage, we both opened up and talked and during one of these session he told me about the affair.
I fully trusted him not to have done it, and when he told me, it hit me out to left feild!!! <p>The person who said something like, "does it really matter who it was, but why it happened" makes alot of cents to me. Set the plan and affair proof our marrage. <p>That is my new goal! I am a chicken when it comes to talking about hard things... so i plan to talk to him before June 14th. Kids will be away for camp that week so if things do get sad around the house they will not have to be a part of that.<p>or would it be better just to do it with them here kind of like a calming safty net.... don't really know. <p>again thank you all for all the post, i am still angery about the A. and i don't want to be mad at husband anymore so the agression come out to the OW, not that i would ever want to talk to her, why do i want to know things that went on between them. I DON'T!!!!!
off to set the new goal and fallow threw.
Thanks for being there for me!

I am a former OW and I almost answered your questions. Although, my answers are really in response to my own unique life and relationships. So, I agree with FMDear for the most part. You should be addressing those questions to your H. His answers to those questions will be the a piece of the ground work you will need to rebuild. I would add that knowing more detail about his OW is important to your M and it's recovery as long as you feel the need to know. You have a right to know.

Hey KS--glad to see you still posting on MB! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dear Sam14, first of all, let me say that I'm so sorry you are in this situation with your H. I pray that you guys make a full recovery and that all your questions get answered. I like franklymydear's thinking because only the woman who was with your H can truly answer your questions to your satisfaction. The rest is all speculation. Only your H knows exactly how he presented himself to your exOW and only they truly know what went on between them and what their thought processes were.<p>Let me begin addressing your specific questions by also saying that I am not the person I was 20 years ago. My values have changed. What I do/did doesn't make me who I am. I have been able to separate the two and hopefully you can separate those two things when you judge your spouse. He did something awful to you, and to your marriage, but I'm sure he is not an awful person or else you wouldn't have married him. Right?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sam14:
<strong>1. How could you get involved with some one who is have relationship problems w/wife of many years (13)
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>When I met MM, he said he was separated from his wife. Still, in my mind, I knew that he was married and not divorced. I used to ask myself this same question before I had this affair and I think that was my downfall--being judgmental, wondering how could anybody do such a thing, instead of showing mercy and just praying for them. Personally, I think that is how it happened to me--I judged, therefore I was judged. Don't get me wrong, I had choices in the matter. I didn't care. I was promiscuous and dating other guys. I was slutty, didn't love myself enough to have standards. I even knew God's Word, but was in a backslidden state, doing drugs, etc.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sam14:
<strong>2. What did you think you could get out of a relationship with a with a married man w/children?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I did not think I could get anything out of the relationship and therefore, I expected nothing. It was strictly physical, nothing more. I knew that he was not happy at home and just using me. Like I said, I (obviously) didn't think highly of myself enough to JUST SAY NO. I didn't think we had a "relationship" and I didn't want anything. Heck, he didn't even take me out in public during the day and I never ever met his kids. I met his wife one time when they both came to take my son out to dinner. That was it.<p>In fact, that is what promptly ended the affair--my pregnancy. What a nightmare, huh?<p>So see? Your situation could be worse? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sam14:
<strong>3. What was going threw your mind? Did you think that the time spent with you was adding to, not helping the problems that were already there?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What was going through my mind was--he's not getting any at home. That's it. It wasn't like he discussed his wife or their problems with me whatsoever. I'm sure I meant nothing to him. He meant nothing to me. I was not in a frame of mind to care about his family situation. Especially if he didn't...<p>I guess if he talked to me about his feelings of guilt or concerns about his family, I'm sure I could have empathized, but none of that reality hit until I discovered I was pregnant... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sam14:
<strong>4. I can't see how any women could get involed with a man if he has a family. He has made a comittment to a wife and children, marrages go threw hard times, and if more women would not get involed with married men less affair would happen. i would like to think so. Why? How? I just don't get it!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I must say, Sam14, now that I am a wife of 9 years, I totally appreciate your POV and questions. Maybe I would not be such a staunch MBer if I had not experienced what I have. Maybe I would not be taking steps to meet my H's EN's and protect myself from my weaknesses if I had not experienced what I have. I'm not saying that having an affair has affair-proofed my marriage, but it has made me aware that we are all susceptible if we do not do the work to improve our marriages, even when we don't feel like it.<p>Sometimes, I don't feel like providing SF or admiring my H or putting his needs before my own, but it is necessary for the overall health of our relationship. I know this for sure.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sam14:
<strong>Would like to know anything about women how have done this, would like to know how you feel about yourself now and then? I talking to the women who had the affair and the husband went back to the wife.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>How do I feel about myself now? I have to work on forgiving myself when thoughts come up. OR when my OC has troubles or concerns relating to my bad decisions that caused his troubles. I asked my H how he could overlook my past and he said that was not the person he married so he didn't have a difficult time accepting me when he met me. I have to say that's true.<p>My son came into the world with odds against him (no dad). I had to provide as much stability as I could being a single parent. I did not want to raise him without godly values--imagine that??!! So I did what I could to allow the Lord to help me and change me and transform me through His Word.<p>My guess is that when your H moved out--and I could be wrong--he gave himself permission to date and meet other women. Maybe? He didn't give himself restrictions because if he did, the A probably wouldn't have happened. Just my guess.<p>Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you CAN and will recover fully if you continue taking the steps to put the resentment behind you and if your H is willing to work with you as a team to meet each other's EN's and no LB's.<p>Dr.Harley has a great article on overcoming resentment. Check it out!<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Would like to know anything about women how have done this, would like to know how you feel about yourself now and then? I talking to the women who had the affair and the husband went back to the wife. <p>Hey there BTDT!<p>This is a question that I didn't see until your post.<p>How do I feel about myself now. I think of it like "that was then and this is now". I work hard to have a different kind of relationship now. I began my EMA at 22. Ended it when I was 31. HE decided that he wanted a "life" with me. That was WAY more than I bargined for. I wasn't looking for "forever" he was a good guy and a great date to me. As a divorcee he had WAAAAYYYY to much baggage for me. It was terrifying. honest to God I hope that life at home was really bad and that he's taken steps to correct that relationship or leave. I'd hate to think that he played russian roulette if his home life was a good thing.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</p>

Sam,<p>You da bomb, girl! I think you are on the right track. <p>I pressed my h for all the dirty details about his a and now I really wish I had left it alone. I was relieved to know that there was no intercourse but sickened at the thought of him kissing and fondling her. That's where I wish I had drawn the line. The fact that he left me for someone else should have been enough for me.<p>I think that you are laying the best ground work for 'affair proofing' the marriage. Talking to h, discussing needs and how they are met, working out POJA's about things...that's the ticket.<p>And again, the specifics of who is was don't really matter. The OW is EVERY WOMAN! She comes from everywhere...she's nobody in particular, she's just Ms. Right Now. If it's not one, it will be another. Unfortunately, wedding rings are not like garlic to them, in fact, they are flames for the vampire moths.<p>I would have 'the talk' while the kids are gone in case it gets a little hairy and it will give time for you to settle back to normal in privacy.

HI SAM,
HERE IS MY STORY AND IT MIGHT HELP,
I HAD 2 A # LONG TIME FRIEND H BESTFRIEND LASTED 2 MONTHS THIS ONE WAS PURE SEXUAL NOTHING MORE . TOLD MY HUSBAND AFTER HE SUSPECTED IT HE SAID HE KNEW HE JUST WANTED TO HEAR IT FROM ME WE COULD WORK IT OUT, THIS A HAPPENED WHILE WE WERE SEPERATED, SO I DIDNT THINK OF IT AWS AN A. HE DID . WHEN I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH BOY DID THE SH**T HIT THE FAN, HE WANTED TO HEAR ALL THE DETAILS, WHICH WAS HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND. IT TOOK HIM OVER A YEAR TO START TO FORGIVE AND TRUST ME AGAIN. SOON AFTER, WHEN WE STARTED HAVING PROBLEMS AGAIN, I STARTED TO CHAT ON THE INTERNET, FOUND #2 WHICH WAS EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, WE TALKED ALOT AND MENT IN PERSON MANY TIMES, HE WAS A FRIEND MEET EN FOR ME, HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GETTING A DIVORCE, I LEFT MY HUSBAND AGAIN FOR HIM I THOUGHT HE WAS MY SOUL MATE, LATER FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS JUST HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HIS WIFE, SHE MOVED BACK IN TO THE HOME,WE BROKE IT OFF AFTER THAT. I GOT BACK TOGERTHER WITH MY H, NEVER TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS A, I DIDN'T WASNT TO GO THROUGH THE SAM THING THAT WE DID FOR OVER A YEAR FROM FIRST A. WELL ABOUT 3 MOTHS LATER OM CALLS ME TO SAY HE AND HIS WIFE ARE SEPERATING AFTER HE FOUND OUT SHE HAD BEEN HAVING AN A. WELL WE STARTED TO TALK AND MEET AGAIN. PICKED UP RIGHT WERE WE LEFT OFF, I WAS HOOKED LEFT MY HUSBAND AGAIN ALL THE WHILE HE KNEW NOTHING OF THIS OM, I WANTED TO BE WITH THIS OM, I DIDN'T BELIEVE THE OM ABOUT HIS TRUE INTENTIONS CONSERNING HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE LIED TO ME ABOUT HE BEFORE. HE SHOWED ME THE DIVORCE PAPERS THAT HE FILED, SO THEN I BELIEVED HIM I WENT TO SEE AN ATTORNEY TO DO THE SAME. ONE NIGHT OM AND I WENT TO STAY AT A HOTEL TOGETHER HAD A GREAT TIME NO SEX. THOUGHT THIS WAS IT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGHTER, THEN HE CALLS ME TO SAY HE'S GETTING BACK WITH HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE HIS DAUGHTER,WOULD I PLEASE UNDERSTAND, HE WOULD STILL TALK TO ME THAT HE CARED FOR ME NOT HER BUT HE COULD NOT GIVE UP HIS DAUGHTER....I THOUGHT HERE WE GO AGAIN....OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS NOTHING BUT LIES FOR BOTH OF US...SO 2 DAYS LATER HEARTBROKEN MY H STARTED ASKING QUESTIONS, HE THOUGHT I WAS HAVING AN A AGAIN WITH HIS BEST FRIEND AGAIN (WE WERE STILL SEPERATED AT THIS POINT) SO FINALLY I TOLD HIM QABOUT THE #2 OM (HIS NAME AND EVERY THING) BUT I TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT THIS A THAT WENT ON OFF AND ON FOR 9 MONTHS WASN'T SEXUAL ONLY EM, SO THE NEXT WEEK WHEN I WENT TO BOSTON FOR WORK, MY H CALLED OM AT HOME (FOUND HIS # IN THE PHONE BOOK) AND OM TALKED TO HIM IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE ON THE PHONE AND TOLD MY H THAT OUR A WAS VERY SEXUAL AND DETAILED THINGS WE DID WHICH WASN'T TRUE, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE PERSON I THOUGHT WAS MY SOULMATE WOULD LIE TO HURT ME. WELL SO MOW MY HUSBAND REALLY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. HE BELIEVED AND STILL BELIEVES THE OM. THE ONLY THING I COULD FIGURE IS 2,#1 THINGS OM WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIS WIFE MAD AND #2 THAT HE WANTED MY M TO BE OVER SO IN CAS HE DIDN'T WORK IT OUT WITH HIS WIFE WE COULD STILL BE TOGETHER?????WHO KNOWS. SO NOW MY H AND I ARE WORKING THROUGH IT TRYING TO HOLD OUR M TOGETHER BUT HE STILL THINKE OF THE 2ND A AS A SEXUAL ON JUST LIKE THE FIRST.I'VE HAD NO CONTACT WITH OM SINCE 2/02 H AND I GOT BACK TOGETHER IN 3/02. SO WHAT I'M TRING TO SAY I FELT THE SAME WAY YOUR H DOES, THAT IT DIDN'T MATTER BECAUSE WE WERE SEPERATED DURING BOTH A. BUT I SEE IT DIFFERENTLY NOW BECAUSE WE WERE STILL HUSBAND AND WIFE SO THEY BOTH AFFAIRS NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.
ME-27
H-36
CHILDREN-GIRL/10-GIRL/7 AND BOY/4
#1 STARTED 2/00 SEXUALAFFAIR LASTED 2 MONTHE CONTACT LASTED 2 YEARS
# STARTED 5/01 EA NO CONTACT SINCE 2/02
H AND I ARE BACK TOGTHER AND FOR THE MOST PART OUR M IS BETTER THAN EVER BUT WE STILL ARE DEALING WITH THE AFFAIRS I'VE HAD. IT'S ALONG AND WINDING ROAD BUT WE'LL MAKE IT I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH NOW FOR THE MAN HE IS AND THE MAN HE HAS CAME TO BE THROUGH ALL OF THIS [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
DAWN

Frankly, thank you for your input!!!
That is how he feels about his affair.
He knew it was going to hurt me, and he did call it an A. when he told me. <p>I have been posting for over a year, and i have not had this much input before! I love it.<p>I must say i am in a better happy place now, than then!!! <p>My plan:
1.Learn to talk openly about hard subjects
2. Be honest about my feelings
3. Find out just why he had to go to someone eles.
4. Learn i don't have controll over anything but myself.
5. Love him for who he is, in most part he is an honest person, he acted like a mad man when he was lieing to me... THE GUILT! He does have it!<p>Again thank you all for keeping an eye on this post, i have enjoyed coming to check out what you all had to say! THANK YOU!

I was the OW. I will try and answer your questions, hope this helps.....<p>1. He talked openly about the problems that they had and accepted blame for many of them, but also admitted that he wasn't sure if it was worth it to work on them as he felt that their biggest problem was that he never loved her and that they married for the wrong reasons. I understood how a person could get into the situation that he was in. <p>2. In the beginning I was not thinking that our relationship would ever become serious enough that he would want to leave his marriage, thus I never really though about his kids. We had our life together and I was happy with what I had. He went home everyday to his kids, still participated in activities with them etc. I never considered (and still don't) that his relationship with me meant that he loved his kids any less. <p>3. I knew that the time he spent with me was obviously not helping to build a stronger marriage with his wife. But I did feel that our time together made him happier and he was able to deal with himself and the internal issues that he had (which allowed him to get into and stay in marriage with a person he admittadely(sp) didn't love). I felt that his relationship with me gave him new perspective and forced him to address life in a more aggressive manner. <p>4. This seem like a simple logic; if women would stop having relationship with MM their would be less affairs. To this I can only say that it is much more complicated. Before I became an OW I never thought that I would have an affair. Then I met a man who I felt was worth it. I am not proud that we choose to begin our relationship this way, but it is what happened. I met a man who was truly in an unhappy marriage. Yes he made a commitment, but if it is not working it is not working. Some marriages fail, some people were not meant to be together but still get married and try; they should not be punished forever for these choices.- But yes I do feel that they should leave the marriage first before seeking other relationships, but trust me this is easier said than done. Divorce is a horrible, life altering, traumatic experience. To avoid having to deal with divorce, many people instead cheat. At the time it may seem like an easier solution, although most I think would tell you that an affair is equally damaging. <p>
I hope these answers help in some way. This is my first time posting on this site. You seemed like you really wanted answers, I know that I don't have them all. All situations are different, but this was mine. <p>Serena24