Well spoken. I never really thought of it in that way. Makes me sad that I did not trust myself in the past and it is too late to undo it. <p>Something I need to hide in my heart and ponder....

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The problem with trying to hide the truth is that sooner or later it gets discovered and then the hider has lost most - if not all - of the opportunities to be forgiven.<p>CM I would like to point out to you the case of a BS whose username is usedlongago. In his case his WW had started an A that lasted 27 years - they've been married 37 years - and she had an OC from OM - OM died just recently - but did not tell her H and he raised it like his other biological son. Somehow the truth came out and even though usedlongago was deeply hurt he still loved his WW very much and decided to stay married to her and work on their marriage. Unfortunately, her sons were so devastated by the truth that they have shut her completely out of their lives and she is suffering inmensely for this.<p>The point in all of this is that the longer the truth is hidden, the more explosive and damaging the results will be - to all affected by it - once it is revealed.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Gosh Pepper ... you took the prism of trust and showed me a different view. Very possibly my ex's view. <p>Thank you,
Jo

oh, my.<p>Pepperband, that is possibly the most profound thing I have read in a long time that isn't on a poster some place. You are an incredible writer. Thank you for sharing that with us.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>
All marriages can feel like a "bad one" some times ... but, when this happends to someone who does NOT Trust themselves ---> this "bad time" spins the non-Trusting person off balance. This person panics. This person reacts to the "bad" by losing their confidence in themselves. This person perhaps becomes vulnerable to an affair... as a way to find a new identity ... a new identity that is not someone who is part a "bad" marriage.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Whoa...where do you get this stuff? All this insight and logic? I defer to your incredible sense of human nature and your ability to really, really undestand in the purest form. I am blown away by your posting because compassion is not lost in your attempt to convey your message.<p>What an approach. Wow.<p>Catnip =^^=

Exactly what I was trying to find out when I asked "WHERE does all this wisdom come from???" [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Bump

YES YES YES!!! (and no, I'm not watching When Harry met Sally [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>THAT is what I "figured out" when my head popped out of my butt! Everyone kept saying you have to be able to be happy with yourself yadda yadda yadda...but I could NOT figure it out. Happy...ok...secure...not as easy...TRUST...ahhh there it is. Once I began to trust myself it all started to fall in to place. I still have a ways to go, but I think some of that comes with age and experience. You know, if you've never been through hell you can't quite be sure how you'll deal with it...but once you've made it out...you know you could make it again if you had to.<p>Once I could trust myself to be able to deal with all my emotions, I knew I could commit to my marriage. Because no matter what failings he might have or might do...I trust that I can think things through before reacting.<p>Pepper, you're amazing! I hope when I'm 103 I'm as COOOOOL as you are! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

HEY!!<p>Thanks for the nice things ya'll said... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Resilient ... I think "prism of trust" is a really brilliant expression. I might borrow it!<p>Terri, Susan, Catnip, Hope4F ... you are my sisters, one and all! Thank you.<p>CoffeeAddictCaffaineFreak Man ... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>CM~~ Hope you are having a nice vacation.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

NO WAY??? Seriously?? Cause my dad always told me I was an only child...but from this new information you've given me...I've got a TON of family!! LOL! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

CMiranda~~~<p>I have a movie rental suggestion for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... I think you'll really enjoy this film. It is a movie about love. It is a movie that is life affirming.<p>Enchanted April<p>If you decide to watch it ... let me know your opinion.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Yo, Pep:<p>Is that the one filmed in India that I heard about a while ago?<p>Been looking for that one for my W and I to watch. Came highly recommended.

Not India ... Italy (close, but no cigar)<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pep [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Pepper:<p>That ain't it, then.<p>"Not India ... Italy (close, but no cigar)"<p>Compared to interplanetary distances, these places are right next to one another! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

SUSAN ... I have been thinking about how to say this to you withour sounding like a nag .... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] But, I'm just gonna say it, as best I can. You said:<p>"Makes me sad that I did not trust myself in the past and it is too late to undo it."<p>Try to look at your past mistakes with appreciation and gratitude (I know, I know .... it is not easy). Now that our son is getting better, he looks back at the hell he put his family through and feels terrible! I don't want or need him to feel terrible ... I want and need him to feel grateful and appreciate that he has : <p>#1 SURVIVED this hell <p>#2 Has MOVED ON to a new and better place in his life <p>#3 Is able to FORGIVE himself and us (his parents) for our fumbling foolish mistakes<p>Dear Susan ... if the sadness you feel lasts too long, you'll miss all the joy and good stuff at your table right now.<p>Enjoy your feast! YOU DESERVE IT!<p>Pep [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

You are sooo right. Thank you for reminding me of this. And hopefully that I what I am doing. It is not constant sadness. Sort of more like triggers....<p>For example, I am a very private person. But, during the time I thought I would really leave my husband, and I was at in despair, I finally trusted one friend and told her some brief details (this was 3 years ago)I felt better at the time. It has all come back to haunt me. I discovered that she spoke with another friend just recently and they were discussing my marriage and what happened in the past. It hurt caused me great pain. Why would they want to talk about that after all of this time? To me it was just gossip, maybe I do the same thing. I told them both that it hurt, and they BOTH ended up getting mad at ME for getting my feelings hurt, and then another friend sided up with another...and I lost 3 friends in the deal.<p>Now, the part that I wish I could go back and undo is that I wish I never had that interruption in my integrity. I wish I had not GIVEN them any reason to talk. But, now I can't change that. I have discovered friends are fickel. Yes, even supposedly grown women in their late 40's and 50's. Oh well, I have other friends. And I only need loyal friends.<p>It is sad to think of times I missed with my son. He is now 21. I missed opportunities with him because I was caught up in my own selfishness. But, he is a good kid now, and we have a nice relationship. BUT, I am afraid not as close or affectionate as I would wish.<p>That time in my life caused a strain with my parents. I distanced myself from them during the time. And now my dad is gone. It looks as though the relationship with my mother will never get back on better terms. She is very controlling, negative and keeps score. Of course, I have learned through all of this that that is HER PROBLEM...but I still have to deal with her. <p>But, I do not dwell on this all the time. When I think about it, it makes me sad. But, I do have a new appreciation for other things. Life is so much better. I appreciate all of the beauty that I never even noticed before, I was so caught up in my marriage misery. I love fresh cut flowers all throughout my house now. I have started an herb garden in pots, and I love cooking and trying new things with them. I take time to "stop and smell the rosemary" in the hanging pot. Going to the beach has become a "spiritual experience" for me. <p>I am so thankful. I am grateful to have my life back!<p>You do not sound like a nag. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and making me stop and think.<p>Sorry...I guess I got so carried away...I should have started my own thread!<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Susan ] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Susan ]</p>

Sus...<p>If you only knew how many serious interruptions my integrity has suffered ... YOU would "LOL"! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I lived a wild 'n crazy early adulthood. I married late in life, at 31. I have had my share of shame and regret. I've even paid BIG TIME for some of them, in the sense of irreplaceable losses. <p>Our pain is our ticket to wisdom ... or should be, if we're paying attention! That's sorta what I want to convey to CMiranda ... If she ever returns to this thread.<p>Take care.<p>Pep [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If you only knew how many serious interruptions my integrity has suffered ... YOU would "LOL"! <hr></blockquote><p>I'd like to know. But not so that I could laugh.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I've even paid BIG TIME for some of them, in the sense of irreplaceable losses <hr></blockquote><p>I am interested in learning from your life's happenings. <p>Thanks.<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Susan ]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Susan ]</p>

One BIG LOSS ... I am infertile. I am over it. Can you believe I have made peace with this?<p>Pep [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]