Before I start, let me say that I know this is a marriage-buildering site...and that what I am doing is breaking my marriage, but I would really appreciate any advice, support, stories, feelings,etc that you could share with me to help me do what I know is the right thing. I've been having an EA since December with a co-worker. He started it with online messages, then chat. The scary thing is, he met EN for me that I didn't even know I had. My husband is wonderful - not perfect, of course - but I never suspected that someone could touch me so deeply or that I was so needy. And he's like a drug - I can't break the habit. It became a PA in February, but no SI yet. We are extremely close to it, though. I come to this forum every night in hopes that I'll find someone who is struggling with this addiction as I am. I know the difference between wrong and right and feel like such a sinner for allowing myself into this situation. I'm smart, have (had?) morals, yet I allowed this to happen and I can't curb my desire. What is it going to take for me to stop seeing him/wanting him? I should mention that we are both married with children. I almost feel as though I won't be able to stop until I get caught. I can never share this with my husband. He is too good and it would devastate him. I can't share this with my friends, they would be shocked and appalled - and rightly so. So I am turning to you to knock some sense into me and help me pull myself out of this mire and turn back towards my husband completely.
**As I read back over what I've written, it sickens me...can this really be me??**

I've been there before. Trust me DON'T cross over into sex!! There are legitimate reasons you feel this way, and none of them are unsolveable. Two years ago people posted to me telling me I could save my marriage and bring all the passion and desire (and depth) into my marriage...and I thought they were NUTS. Almost divorced over it...and here we are...doing great!<p>You feel awful because you have a concience and you know what you're doing is WRONG and DANGEROUS! There's a ton of great information here as well as some great books you can get. Read, post, learn...

I think the simple fact that you are aware what you are doing is wrong and you had the courage to post and reach out for help should be applauded. I am on the other side of the fence so to speak. My H is having an EA. Have you tried telling your husband what needs aren't being met? Marriage is tough. It has so many peaks and valleys. I would recommend reading everything on this sight. Break off contact with OM. You say your husband is a good man. You know what needs aren't being met. Tell him. Give him a chance. I know if you read many of these postings you will have a clearer idea of what life is like from the other side. Pat yourself on the back for knowing you are in that fog.
Don't give up.
Keep posting.
There are some very smart people here.
Good luck.
Layli

Thank you, hope, for your reply. It brings tears to my eyes that you were willing to give advice with judging me. It is truly appreciated...more than you know. But how do I extricate myself from this whole mess????

But layli I can honestly say that the needs that aren't being met are not his fault. I mean, who knew how great it felt to be complimented by another man? My husband compliments me all the time - but it feels different. (Does that make sense?) Maybe it is the sense of excitement? That's all I can figure because after 14 years of marriage, there isn't that same sense of excitement left. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom - I wish I had had the courage to post a long time ago.

Neverthought<p>I think this is happening because your getting something from this person your not getting from your husband. If you truly love your husband you need to stop this now befre it truly is out of hand. You need to communicate to your husband what you need from him. At least give him the chance to provide you the attention you need before you go any further. Your aware of where your at which is very good. Now you need to make the decision which direction you want to go.
Take some time alone with your bible and God and pray for guidance and support before you make a mistake that will not be easily changed.
I'll be praying for you.

It totally makes sense. H and I have been together 5 and married almost 4. It is exciting to be praised by anyone. I love my husband to death and he compliments me all the time. You know when I stopped taking that for granted? When his EA started.Don't take you H for granted. Try to think of all the things that brought you 2 together. Are there things you used to do that maybe you 2 don't anymore? Anything you 2 have talked about doing that you haven't? There are lots of ways to spice up a marriage. If you are here asking for help then you still have strong feelings for your H. Don't let it go too far. Plan something exciting for the 2 of you to do. Be pro-active and try. Maybe you could see a counselor or do phone counseling that is offered here. Try anything. do anything. Love conquers all.
You are in my prayers.
Layli

Neverthought ~<p>One of the things about my husband's affair that hurts terribly, is that he was dishonest about his needs (both ommission and misleading statements) and he when he started to feel emotionally fulfilled by someone else...he lied about that too.<p>He didn't give me a chance to meet those needs first. I was his wife, and he didn't tell me what he needed.<p>Our marriage was awful, but I would have done anything to fix it, and I would have done anything to please him so that our marriage COULD be right. But he didnt' give me the choice or the option to do so...he gave it to someone else.<p>I didn't have a chance.<p>I wish my husband had told me that he was falling in love with someone else, instead of putting me through the next 2 years of hell.<p>Because he didn't share with me, our entire family suffered, and we nearly ended in divorce.<p>Your husband deserves to know exactly who you are, what you need, and how you feel, no matter how ugly - so that he can make choices about himself, you and your family.<p>Right now, he doesn't know the truth...I'll bet he knows something is wrong. But until he knows exactly where you are vulernable and exactly how you are feeling - he can't take steps to do anything for you, or for your marriage.<p>The best thing you can do is get the both of you into counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley. Use the counsel link above, and save yourself and your husband, and your children (?) months and years of suffering.<p>Trust me, you don't want to see your children suffer the way I saw mine cry themselves to sleep night after night because they missed their dad.

timhh - can one person truly give you everything you need? I used to think so, but now I'm not sure. Meeting every single one of my needs would be a herculean task, I would think. And I do try to make the right decision - only to have my resolve crumble when OM is near. I am weak - and needy - and disgusted with myself. Thank you for your support and prayers.<p>bramble - thanks for your honesty. I know that I am hurting not only myself, but my family, his family - it just goes on and on. So why can't I break away from him? His pull is so strong - but hearing the other side helps me resolve to do better and stop this cycle of pain for everyone involved - especially those who are innocent.<p>I didn't know that receiving such responses would bring on so many tears. Thank you so much for your support. I don't deserve it, but I do appreciate it sincerely.

You are hurting and confused. why on earth would you think you didn't deserve our support?
Hang in there...
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]
Hugs to you!
Layli

If I told you that I could tell your future would you listen? If you were told that your affair could result in divorce. Would you listen? If you were told that your affair would result in your children growing up in a broken home without both parents. Would you listen? If you were told that your affair could result in your children growing up to be juvenile deliquents or dysfunctional adults. Would you listen? If you were told that your affair will result in unbelievable agony for your husband that he would contemplate suicide.. Would you listen? If you were told that your moments of pleasure with the OM will result in feelings of guilt for the rest of your life. Would you listen? If you were told that your affair will result in you feeling no passion toward your husband. Would you listen? If you were told that your affair when it comes to an end will not be remembered for the pleasure but for the betrayal that you brought to your husband and children. If knowing this you cannot choose the right path than heaven help you.

This is a sickness, an addiction...because I read what everyone wrote to me and know that it is the truth, but here I am online this morning, checking to see if he's sent me a message. How do I stop this? I just keep allowing myself to be sucked in - even looking for it. I know I'm on the path to self-destruction and need to stop before I lose everything. I've already lost my self-respect...please point me in the right direction before it is too late.

neverthought<p>You have a real tiger by the tail and I don't want to diminish your feelings. I know for you they are very real and you don't know how to manage them. <p>But the fact that you are here and asking says a lot.<p>I was the WS in my first marriage and I am the BS now with my second W. <p>When my WW was going thru what you are right now (and she would have said the same thing about me being a great--not perfect--husband, but met many of her ENs) she asked me if she should seek counseling for herself. (this was about at the stage where you are...some EA but not PA quite yet) and I dismissed it. If I had known then what I know now I would have gotten her to a counseler quickly. It might have made big difference in our relationship.<p>If I can give you just one piece of advice it would be to seek out a good counselor and talk to them--now. If you can't afford it, see a clergy person or someone else you trust. <p>You also may consider telling your H about what is going on...he may very well surprise you. It sure would be better than telling him about your PA---which you will have to do eventually if you keep traveling the way you are going.<p>I know this is tough--believe me when I say I have been there. But you have a great chance right now to save a lot of pain for a lot of people.<p>Keep posting and reading here...<p>I also suggest you read After the Affair and/or The Divorce Remedy.<p>Good luck to you<p>E

There IS a way to save yourself...and it is hard and it is ugly but it works everytime...TELL YOUR H what you are doing...BEFORE it goes further.Unless you want it to go further more than you want out...bottom line.<p>My H confessed AFTER he had sex with the OW..not many times but he did what he wanted and now denies that he wanted it at all...If he had TOLD me the truth about what was happening,he KNEW it would be over with her. It has been a very difficult thing to accept,now ,in recovery. I KNOW if he REALLY didn't want the physical, he would have made it STOP.<p>Don't put your H thru this,if you REALLY love him. You will probably stay married but it will never be the same..He will look at you differently and he will never love youi the same way he does now. Your kids will know something happened and if they are older and astute, they will figure it out. <p>My H, almost 2 yrs down the road from where you are now, says this is the single worst thing he has ever done to anyone or to himself. It has caused my health to deteriorate from stress related crap...I do not Blame him but he blames himself. He says he knew if he told me ,he would have given her up or given up the 27 yr marriage and he wanted BOTH. SElfish...Don't become this person...you will NOT like what you see

Maybe I'm trying to take the easy way out, but I am a teacher as is OM and school is out next Tuesday. I am so anxious for it to be over, so that some distance will be placed between us. I'm thinking that if I have the summer to gain some perspective on my destructive actions, I will be able to end it once and for all. Am I deluding myself? Also, I really, really don't want to hurt my husband and it doesn't seem fair that I should try to end my pain by causing pain for him. I am determined to get a grip on this addiction and end it on my own - with your help and support. I need a good kick in the pants to make me see the damage I am potentially causing everyone involved - and even those who are innocent bystanders. I KNOW that I am risking my marriage, my reputation, my friends, my self-respect, my children, and everything else that I hold dear. Your input is helping me so much - I am here at school right now and I'm visiting the site again - hoping for the courage and strength not to get caught up in his web again. Thank you for your continued encouragement and advice. I truly appreciate it.

neverthought...Whether you realize it or not,you are already hurting your H...He knows SOMETHING is up..he is doubting his own sanity because he knows you would never do something like this...You have already taken stuff rom your H and given it to OM. <p>I have a problem with WS who don't tell..Your H deserves the honesty to live his OWN life the way he would want to..to live with the person you truly ARE and not the person he thinks you are...You have already taken the risks, you have already crossed a line..Do you have enough repsect for your H as a PERSON, separate from yourself and what YOU want, to give him all the information he needs to be true to HIS own life and to ptrotect himself?<p>It DOES seem that to tell is only to relieve yourself of guilt and selfish..IT IS NOT..IT IS A GIFT to you and your H..It was a gift that I was denied,that I wish I had gotten...My H didn't want to tell me ,so as not to hurt me..It got him in deeper because he thought he could control it and He HURT ME so badly that I wonder if I will ever FULLY recover.It would NOT have been this bad if it hadn't gone so far.

Even if you could end things without H knowing, marriage won't heal until you tell H. He can, and probably will work with you. Now he doesn't know and can't help. It will also help prevent you from going to SI. Do it NOW, before you get in any deeper. <p>You asked for help, how can you end this addiction? <p>Well, telling H is the way to start to end it.
Find the strength to do that, it is the way to
start. <p>By the way, once you try to break it off, OM will press for SI as a means to keep you in A. That is another reason you need to tell H. He will be able to help you. Don't be alone with OM, this will destroy you whole life. Please tell H. <p>SS<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>

Hi, Neverthought:<p>I'm speaking as a FBS and FWS. I understand when you say you can't help yourself from continuing contact with the OM -- that it's an addiction. However, having been thru the same situation and having those same thoughts, I have to say it's a habit. Habits CAN be broken. I've heard you have to do something 25-30 times in order for it to become a real habit. So just say "no" to yourself (and contact with OM) 25 times...it gets easier and easier.<p>I considered the OM my "soulmate", which now sounds so stupid and trite. I thought I couldn't live without him, that he met all the needs my
FWH refused to meet. Well, yes I could live without him...and now my H meets all my needs. FWH and I had to BOTH give it a real fighting chance, tho; and that's not possible if there are more than 2 people in the marriage. <p>I know it sounds too hard or even impossible, but you need to send the OM a "no contact" letter NOW. Tell him that you are 100% focused on your husband and are now committed to restoring your marriage. Tell him there is to be NO contact from him whatsoever - ever again. If you can't write that letter (and follow thru with it), then you really don't want to restore your marriage. Love really is a choice.<p>There is no in-between or compromise on the issue of No Contact. It wasn't easy for me, but when I decided to stop being completely selfish and actually TRY to be a good wife, the OM simply slipped from my thoughts altogether. Now when I think of that time in my life I tend to get nauseated. I TOTALLY understand your statement, "Can this really be me?" It wasn't the real me, and I don't think it's the real you, either. You're better than this!<p>Just do the right thing and get this OM out of your life -- the constant confusion, pain, and stress will fade away, too. You'll be proud of yourself for finally being so strong! And you'll have LOTS more time to invest in your own husband!<p>I'm almost like someone who's quit smoking -- I tend to get "preachy" about this subject. My marriage totally sucked for several years, and now we're incredibly close and happy. Recovery is very possible with some effort, and it is very worthwhile.<p>Best of luck to you.<p>Lori

Oh, and I agree with the others who advised you to tell your husband. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but true recovery doesn't start until the slate is clean. It WILL be worth it -- believe me!<p>Lori

I wish so much that my H could have come to me and talked to me about what he was needing in our relationship instead of finding it somewhere else. The way I found out was painful and I'm still trying to recover from d-day. You love your husband? Give him the chance to meet your most important needs. The only way he has a chance to do that and be the husband you want/need is for you to talk to him and be honest and open with him.<p>Welcome and best wishes to you!<p>Llama Hhugs,
Llama