You are right when I say that I keep putting off what I know I need to do. I just keep thinking that once school is out next Tuesday, it will be done...out of sight, out of mind. I'm in a fog, but I am also based enough in reality that I know that what my H and I have is real and that what OM and I share is just fluff. I often think about the pain someone feels when a spouse or loved one dies - and I think to myself that what I am feeling in trying to sever the ties from OM are nothing remotely close tot that. He is nothing - all we have is a situation where we are hurting each other and taking the chance of hurting our families and destroying frienships, should anyone find out.
As I wrote earlier, this is not the first time he's had an A, but I really don't know the depth of previous ones. Of course, I felt as though I was the love he had been waiting for - what a fool I am! But he has never told his wife about them and I foolishly thought that I could do the same. Trouble is, my conscience is killing me.
So I'm going to get through these next few days and hope that this will all fade - I will never allow someone to come between me and my H again and will counsel people to the day I die that it is not worth the pain to have an A - just not worth it...

I hope it all works out for you. Spend the summer trying to focus on the husband and tell him how to build up your love bank. Build up his and keep us posted [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
In my prayers,
Layli

Neverthought,<p>Just a few more things for you to think about. THe first and most important is your OM. He has had A's before, but he has never told his W. There is a correlation here. He hasn't been honest with his W, nor his previous A partners. The odds are high that he hasn't really been honest with you either.<p>But, the real reason I am writing you is to point out why you really really need to tell your H. Let's assume that you DON'T tell your H. Let's assume that you decide to really commit to the marriage, you go to confession (a good thing to do), and you are committed. All well and good. You are back in the marriage, your H hasn't been hurt, and your family is intact. What could be better?<p>Well, if you read here for as long as I have been here you will notice something. When people have secrets to protect, they must build walls. These walls are to "protect the secret". So what is often seen is that to protect the secret, certain topics become off limits. For example you might like to become much closer to your H than you have been, but if you do and you start talking about love, marriages, then the topic of affairs MIGHT come up. You won't want that, so you WILL avoid this whole line of thought. You might have learned a thing or two from the OM in terms of foreplay, or talking that you would like to do with your H, but you cannot do that.<p>You will want to bring H to school, when you win a teaching award, but that could be bad because OM is going to be there and you don't want anything unusual to happen that might make your H suspicious.<p>Plus, let's get real here. THe OM did turn you on, he did things that you really liked, he talked to you in an easy open manner about his feelings and you did the same. You have been afraid to do this with your H for years (that is my bet). You will never be able to do this with YOUR H, because to do that would open you up to him finding out. So you will deny him what he needs to know to really make you happy. Not that you cannot tell him, but you cannot really let him in.<p>Neverthought, not telling will hurt your marriage and your H more than telling him will. Because to keep this secret you will have to emotionally shut down. You aren't fully into the guilt part of this yet, but when it happens it will eat at you. To protect yourself, you WILL shut down, and it will hurt your H to feel your withdrawal from him. It may kill your marriage.<p>Neverthought, there are pluses to you having an affair. I know you don't think so yet as many here don't. But, let's review them for a second. If you tell your H and he remains in the marriage you will KNOW that this man is your man. He loves you deeply and will hang with you.<p>He will learn that you are not happy and he needs to be able to talk with you. He will learn that you chose another man (that will just rip his insides out), BUT he will also learn that although you had a choice and temporarily chose another man, you realized H was the better man and came back to him. It will be awhile before he really appreciates that one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, Neverthought, the biggest boon to you, your H and your M, will be your communications, your depth of feeling for each other. I have often thought that one of the reasons that affairs start is that people share themselves with another person. Why do they do that? They needed to talk about themselves at great depth, but don't with their spouse so they do with OP and from there the affair starts. Why not the spouse? <p>I think it is fear. Fear that our spouses will know we are not perfect. Fear that some of our thoughts will hurt our spouse. Fear that they will lose respect because we may want to do or try something not mainstream. Fear that they will misinterpret our need to TALK about things with how we really feel for the spouse. Fear that we may be left alone.<p>None of those fears exist with an OP. Once your affair is out in the open with regard to your H, those fears will cease to exist. Why? you will have had to discuss things that meet all of the category of things that you fear the most, and probably he fears as well. After you go through this you will be able to be open to each other like you never have.<p>More than a few people (BS and WS alike) have posted here that the affair was the worst thing they ever went through, but it may have been the best thing ever to happen to their marriage. They are NOT advocating affairs, but the result of having to be honest and address the issues, just opened up everything and what they found was that they did love their spouse and were able to connect with them on a new level.<p>Neverthought, you have tremendous power over your H. You have no idea how much you now control his life, control the pain he will feel (slow steady decline of the marriage, perhaps the end, perhaps the rebirth of the marriage.) But, one this is certain, you telling him on your own and you wanting to work on the marriage will make the odds high that your marriage can be a success.<p>One final word of warning. Give him room to recover. You may think your self-esteem is a bit battered, but realize that his is going to go in the toilet. It will take awhile for him to rebuild respect for himself, much longer than for him to love, trust, and respect you. This will be a hard road, but the reward is potentially hugh.<p>Talk with a clergyman, counselor, whatever, or read the books here and learn how to tell your H. But when you do be "radically honest" with him. It will hurt but it will help him more than you can imagine.<p>Hope something I have said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Man, JL, you are right on target in all that you write. I know what you write is true, it is just hard getting myself psyched up to do it. It is going to be devastating and I just think sometimes that if I don't tell and recommit to the marriage that I would be better off. (he is not returning to the school next year - as if that makes a difference, right?! OK, I'm still trying to justify not telling.) Your words of wisdom are so logical amd make so much sense. I thank you so much for taking the time to counsel me. How did you get to be so knowledgeable, may I ask? Were you the BS or the WS? How long has it been and how hard was that road? Was it worth it in the end? Again, thank you - your words mean more to me than you know...

Neverthought,<p>First, I know it will be very hard for you to tell him. Some people actually use a letter to the spouse and then tell them why they used a letter (just so hard to face the spouse), but that they will answer any questions the BS has. But, more than anything they need to understand that YOU want this marriage to work, and that you will do anything within your power to make it better.<p>NT, if you use this approach or if you tell your H in person, I would strongly recommend one thing. Tell him you want this marriage to endure and that you love him right off. Because once he hears about the affair, he will go into shock and probably not hear anything else for awhile. But, NT, if there is love in your heart, you can do this. It will be hard make no mistake about this, but it can be done. <p>One thing that many of the successful WS have done is to do the opposite of what your instincts will tell you to do. You instincts will tell you to get through this as fast as you can, to not bring anything up unless your H wants to know something. Very very reasonable, but the most successful people have done the opposite. They ask the BS how they are feeling, is there something bothering you you want to talk about, they talk about their feelings for the OP. NT, by doing this you diffuse the situation, but you also get much closer to your H.<p>Yep, he is going to hurt, and you are going to hurt. The best way to deal with the pain, is to help each other. You may hear a lot of angry things said, ignore them. It will be his pain. It is like most people are advised to ignore what their WS says while in the fog. Most have heard: "soulmates", "never loved you in the marriage", etc. But when the fog lifts, things change. Those that have the most trouble that still remember what was said in the fog. Hard not to do, but one needs to factor in the fog. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You can do this,and the sooner you do it the better you will feel. Sad isn't it?? But, true. However, the sooner you do it, the sooner your H can start to heal. If you two have used a counselor perhaps telling your H in the counselors presence will help. But, do tell him NT.<p>As for me??? I am neither a BS nor a WS. Although I have been accused of having BS. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously, I came here for a different reason years ago. It was because I was thinking of divorcing my W. I learned here that I needed to change my view of things, how I looked at things, what my W did and didn't do and how to understand it. It has helped. THat is the short story.<p>My advantage is that I have been reading here over 3 years, and the stories really don't change much. That is why a 'method' can be developed. Harley's approach while the same as many does have a unique aspect to it, and it does work. I don't have the reference on my finger tips but you should read "SKM's Chronicles". She is a wonderful woman and her chronicles describe her recovery from her affair. It is a very very powerful thing. You might find her other early posts very helpful.<p>She is expecting their first child now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] That is sooo cool.<p>NT, recovery is possible, but it takes one hugh step. Your H has to know to recover. Makes sense doesn't it. I know you don't want to seem the bad person in this and you will feel that way for awhile, but as you recover and your H recover you will see the potential. I would also really like to recommend that you get Surviving an Affair by Harley. Read it and offer it to your H to read. Once you have told him. You could read it before. It is easy reading and you could read it in a day or less.<p>THe reason I suggest this is that your H will need to know there is hope as well. You see most people are conditioned to think that an A means the end of the marriage. Yet, the data shows that more often than not it is not the end. Making the honesty and a plan for recovery even more important. One wouldn't need a plan if an A automatically ended the marriage.<p>So NT, prepare and then tell your H. THe summer is good because you will have time,and can spend time with him. Please don't forget the power you have over him. It is hugh, yup, sex is one thing, but your words are more powerful than you think.<p>Most of us guys live in a world where compliments, admiration, ect are very very rare. IF there are things you admire about your H tell him. If you feel love for him, tell him. If you want to make love to him, by all means do that. If there are triggers for you or for him, reclaim them. <p>A lady here once posted that she consciously slept with her H in every hotel that he and is OW slept in. Ate in every restaurant, went to those places to "reclaim" them so they wouldn't be triggers later. She was very very successful in rebuilding her marriage and many have followed her example.<p>In your case it will probably be you that at first holds things together, but don't be surprised if after a few months your H starts to kick in, and want to "reclaim" things as well. <p>NT, I know this is scary, but this is in a way a wonderful opportunity for you and your H to build the marriage that you really want. There is a post floating around about famous posts. I will post it here as a PS once I find it.<p>So get to work, and start rebuilding your marriage.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: Here is a post that has many interesting threads in it Notable quotes <p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

Thank you, JL. I read the notable threads and cried throughout the chronicles. I just hope I can find the courage to tell my H and that he can work through this with me. I'm going to wait until school is out, things have calmed down, I've stopped all contact with OM and then figure out how/when to tell. Was the A worth all this now? NOT EVEN CLOSE! All it did was mess up my head and cause my marriage to crack a little - but God willing, it will not fall apart. I have three children and can't lose their dad because of a few months of feeling special. How selfish, how stupid, how totally ridiculous I feel. Thanks, JL, for your support. I'm sure I'll continue to need it.

NT,<p>I realize you are now starting to see the situation for what it is. But, please don't forget one thing. In all likelyhood you didn't have the affair just for the fun of it. You needed something in your life that wasn't there.<p>Now, it is a fine line between excuses and reasons, but actually your H will recover better and so will you if you can identify some of the reasons. I think you mentioned something about newly discovered needs. Perhaps they are, perhaps it was being a mother and W that was bothering you.<p>Interestingly, most men don't have the confusion between the roles of father, H, and lover. They need sex, they want the feeling of attachment that comes with it. Women on the other hand seem to, on occasion, have a difficult time separating the role of Mother from the role of W, from the role of lover. It is much easier to separate these roles with another person.<p>Perhaps this was what was truely missing from your life. You didn't know how to get back to being a lover as well as a W and Mother. They are different.<p>The point of this discourse is to remind you that you aren't a fool, something was broken, and something needs fixing. See if you can figure it out. Why? Because it will help your H to know that there is something HE can do to help prevent you from having another A. You see just promising is not really going to do it,because you made that promise when you were married.<p>So, think about this both for your H and for yourself. THe excuses aren't necessary, but the reasons can help you both.<p>NT, you are a bright woman. You are seeing the light,and the consequences, BUT I will remind you again (like a broken record) one of the consequences of this can be very very good. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You and your H will have to work to make that consequence come true, but it can. <p>So hang in there. I hope you did read all of the threads posted in there and even some of the ones like SKM's original post. I suspect that she has articulated what many feel who are in her or your shoes.<p>You will do well NT. I can tell your heart is in the right place. I suspect your H's will be as well. You know why? Very often we marry people very similar to ourselves therefore the logic follows: you are a good woman, he is a good man. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

<bump>
Just wondering how you were doing girly, hadn't heard in a few days and I was worried about you.
Hugs,
Layli

Layli - Thanks for checking. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I know what I need to do, and today took the first step by sending a no-contact letter of sorts. But I'm afraid to post at this point, because I know this is a marriage building site and I am still in the throes of the A. I can't stop thinking about the OM, even though I haven't seen or talked to him in a week. Now I kinda feel like the BS - don't know what OM is thinking at this point, which is why I sent the letter to try to clarify my need to disengage myself from this whole R. I have not yet told my husband, really really don't want to...know this is against all the advice I've been given...thus, I have hesitated from posting. Thank you so much for checking up on me, though. It means a lot.

Neverthought,

This board isn't just for people that have it all together, figured out how to fix their marriages,and are merrily going about making everything just fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is really for people struggling to do the right thing, as you are. It is good that you have had no contact with your OM. It will take a few months before most of the withdrawal is over. It can be faster, but often isn't. Of course telling your H does help this, but it is well understood that you would rather do almost anything besides tell him this news.

But NT, the odds are high he suspects. THe odds are higher that he will stick with you. So post here, talk to people, see if you can help other people see what needs to be seen. You will be amazed at how much help you can be to BS's facing what your H is facing. The fact that he doesn't know really doesn't shield him from facing a W that is down, remote, and withdrawn. It can really hurt when this happens because the BS has no clue what to do to fix it, and generally blame themselves for the WS unhappiness.

Post, help, ask questions, and keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Just remember sweety, baby steps. That is all any of us can do. Let us know.
Had first session with Steve today. Going really well.
Keep us in the know.
Hugs to you!
Layli

NT,

Goodness, you weren't kidding when you said that you are where I was 7 years ago. Even the PA and how you still have not had SI after many months. Our PA began Feb and June of same year, SI occured. It doesn't feel like it could get any more confusing but believe me, it can and it will if you ML with this man. You are right, it is an addiction. The pull will get stronger after SI as I'm sure you already realize.

My H also does not know. I too have felt apprehensive about posting, particularly about starting a thread for this reason. I see it in 2 different ways, depending on my mindset. First, I think I can pull through this without ruining my H. I want to work it through myself and spare him. I see how hurt the BS are and I don't have it in me to confess to my H.
Other days, I agree with the concept of diclosure. When I'm feeling strong and hopeful I believe that once we get on solid ground again, we will make it through the truth. If we do not tell our H's then the likelihood that the A / Addiction will continue or start up again is there. The withdrawl may ease because you would deal with his pain and not so much your own. Most addicts are advised to tell people that they are quiting their substance of choice. Cigarette smokers are soppose to plan a date to quit and tell others they are doing it. Not hide it. I relate my OM to a substance I desperately want H to fill in me what OM did. I pray that he can but right now, he does not know how gaping the voids really are.

I don't have any concrete answers for you as I said over in Tempted's thread. I so wish that I had them for us both. You say that you identify with the piece I shared about the early years of my A, the beginning. Please think about this, you could be me in 7 years. Still working on the ending. OM and I have a long history and a child together. That is another long story and right now, I'm going to leave that chapter out. I only want to point out to you that this is an addiction and it doesn't just go away without some pain and suffering. You will have to choose when you are willing to endure it. I'm thick headed and stubborn, so 7years later, I'm realizing that it is no life, it is really a half life, to lie to our H's and family and love another man, whom we must share with another person. It is self destructive NT and I hope you can take me as an example and learn that what I say is true. The road may look different,few new curves here or there, but the destination is really the same for all of us WS/OP.

I don't know if we call pull this off without disclosing the truth. I also don't know that one person can fullfill another forever. If that is true, I ask, why disclose? I am pessimistic I soppose and I go back and forth on that one. I do understand how you feel and why you are afraid to tell H. I know that they say here that recovery can't be done without it. Just go at your own pace and don't stop reading and posting. Your life is operates on your schedule, not any of ours. Remember that. Also remember that the longer the A continues, the harder and more painful it is to stop it.

I'm glad that you posted over on the other thread. I too hope that we can help eachother through this.

If I can give any advice, it would be not to ever put yourself in a situation where an A can bloom...but why would anyone listen to me? Here I am, six months after the EA began and I'm still in the throes of it. CMiranda, I thought I was doing so well, being so strong...and all it takes is an email from OM and I'm hooked back into the whole mess. I haven't seen him and don't know if/when I will, but it is a true addiction. I made up my mind to let this thing go, work on my marriage, and be the best wife and mother that I can be...so why am I back at square one again? Your post on Tempted's thread about a double life is so, so true. I don't want to be in this spot 5 or 10 years down the road - but don't seem to have the power to break his spell. I know that all the BS are upset to read posts such as these, but I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm just looking for some support - and the words that will finally sink in and help me stop this craziness once and for all...

I wish I had the words that will sink in for you. I will keep posting to you and maybe I hit the mark. You remind me of myself in the beginning and I asked myself today how the heck I did this for so long.
I felt the same pull you did but not quite so soon, so good for you! I received a telephone call this morning from OM (he is actually ex-om, at least I see it that way since it was ended 4 months ago). He called to say hello and see how I was. I admit that I'm not nearly as miserable having received that phone call as I was trying so hard to digest this no contact concept. He always said that the longer we were together, the harder it'd be to break up and he was right. You have a few things on your side if you can believe that. You have 6 months, not 6 years with him. You have not had SI, and although your connection is very strong and his pull intense, after SI, it seems nearly impossible to end it. Especially if his pull is this strong now. What will you do? If you continue to see him, SI is going to happen soon I'd imagine.
You are pulled back in because you are vunerable to him and to the relatinship/affair that you are having. I never fell for men. I haven't loved very many. But something about om turned me into mush. My brain shutdown and I was totally googley eyed for him. It seems to be a condition we all have; I have no idea why we are suceptible to that someone and not others.
I'm afraid for you because in reading your posts, you and I are sound alike. OM is leading the relationship. You work with him and that can make work exciting, I know, but it can prolong this for a very long time. I have a 7 year relationship to let go of. 6 months can turn into 7 years alot easier and faster than you realize. I'm not belittling your time together, but I am saying it gets harder not easier to let go as time passes and the bond grows.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>