Twyla,<p>I was going to say it's so weird that you wrote what you did, but in a way it's not, maybe because I'm starting to "get it"? Anyway, Friday night my thoughts started heading exactly in the direction you are talking about. I realized the most important part of this is my figuring out me and what I'M going to do regardless of what he does or admits to or doesn't admit to, etc. Most of the things I want to accomplish and establish in my life have nothing to do with him or our R. By obsessing about that I have avoided facing my neglect of that.<p>So, first things first, is what I came up with Friday night. Once I get me where I want to be, then I'll be in a place to make good decisions about my and my children's lives. Decisions can't be anything but right if they come from a place of fullness, but likely not so good from emptiness. I thought that might be why I was having so much distress about it. Now that I worked some of it out in my head, I feel more confident and hopeful because I can see MY potential. Amazing how a shift in focus can change the whole picture in a way.<p>Some things kept nagging at me that finally brought about this shift in focus. I realized that all during the process of the last week I had not once prayed or read my Bible. I think in order to feel right about any decisions I make, I'm going to have to have that congruence--feel like this is what God wants. If I'm not talking to Him or listening to Him, then ultimately, I'm probably not going in the right direction.<p>Also, I remember some recent movies I'd seen based on true stories where the wife killed her husband or a teenager killed a parent because of being abused. While I sympathized with the abuse they suffered, I could not condone the murders because they happened in cold blood while the abuser was asleep or passed out drunk or in one case shot by hitmen when he was nowhere near his wife. I would totally understand if they had used deadly force to defend themselves from a current threat, but no matter how abusive someone has been in the past, if they are not currently attacking you, I just can't see that as self-defense. There are other options available.<p>It struck me that it's kind of the same thing. My H is not currently harming me. *I* was harming me by obsessing and feeding my distress. Yes, he gave me STDs and that is horrible, and I told him so each of those times. Each of those times I told him it could only have come from him, and I was right. Like you said, nothing will change that. I won't be more right if he finally admits it. It will be good for HIM if he faces it and admits it, and I would certainly benefit because then I would have a more insightful honest H, but that's a gift only HE can give me. Whether he does or not is his decision, though.<p>When you think about it, when is a person most likely to reveal themselves? When they feel safe. So, logically, the best way to enhance the chances of my H revealing himself is to provide a safe environment, i.e. Plan A, so here I am back to square one.<p>I also remembered some recent threads here about feeling married, renewing vows, not feeling married, etc., and it hit me that whether I like it or not or whether it feels like it or not, I AM married. And married is married, and while I'm married I should act accordingly to feel good about myself. I put my wedding ring back on for the first time since October. I initially quit wearing it because the center stone of the engagement ring suddenly disappeared while I was out shopping one day.<p>The engagement ring fits into the center of the wedding ring, which is two connected surrounding bands that accent and complete the engagement ring, so the wedding part looks very incomplete by itself. But I also have my grandmother's wedding band I could have been wearing all this time, but I purposely kept that finger ringless for all these months, and really, it was out of spite and to send a message that I didn't consider myself committed to him.<p>I decided it was time to grow up and accept that I am married, so I put the wedding part of the set on Friday night and have been wearing it ever since. I'm starting to get used to its incomplete look. My H noticed pretty quickly that I was wearing it. He asked me last night why I wasn't wearing the center ring. The day the stone was lost, I had told him the whole story of how I discovered the stone was missing and asked the store people to help me find it, but I guess he was still in so much fog back then that he didn't retain it because he didn't remember, so I told him the story again.<p>My only discomfort about that exchange was that I was thinking that he must have been so focused on the OW then and that's why he didn't remember what happened to the ring, even though I told him all about it at the time, and that thought irritated me. Should I have spoken that thought out loud and asked him if that was the case? These are the things I need to figure out how to deal with in the present.<p>So, for the time being, I'll deal with what's actually happening, not what might happen or what has happened. And hopefully that will give me the time and energy to deal with my personal issues first.
