JR,<p>In my case, WW was 27 when we met, had a previous engagement (broken), bragged that she had dated a 100+ men, plenty of lovers, had the american-woman thrill of having an italian lover, once got pregnant not knowing who the father was, "fell in love" 3 times (yet none led to an engagement), etc., etc.<p>DESPITE all that, and despite that she was pressuring ME to marry her during the dating stage, she felt perfectly entitled to have a MLC and go for a fantasy A because she "wanted to feel something she hadn't felt in years" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Perhaps this is an illustration of the other extreme--the danger of getting involved with a "high-mileage" woman (sorry gals, just some guy talk).<p>Yes, women these days are becoming more like the men of old mostly because (bluntly put) they have more economic power and less risk of pregnancy--among other factors, I suppose.

Ho boy. I can "see" all the factors mentioned above, including the timing, in my W's A. She started her first A with her OM when she was 36, and her second when she was 45.<p>So, "knowing" these factors, do I just take it? In the end, these are just things that influence weak people and enable As, right? Or do I have this crap to "look forward to" again and again?<p>I am down again today. WW said she didn't sleep well, and was in a bad mood. We didn't have SF last night because it was too hot. There was some indication we might this am. I don't mind being told she's not in the mood, but the way I got told was reminiscent of the way she told me before D-day, and so it hurt. <p>I feel like *I'm* on trial here, when if anything our M should be, but AFTER NC with OM!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, I am 7 years younger than my H, married just as I was turning 20, and I am the BS.<p>I am very young, and I married even younger. Everybody I knew acted as if marrying would represent the death of my dreams, aspirantions and career. I can say that the only thing marriage has done to me is not liking to be called wife and more aware of how I don't like people too much. My career and the spectations of all my colleagues, teachers and associates are higher than ever.<p>I didn't start dating untill I was 18. Nobody seemed to pay much attention to me. Once I was out of HS I came to learn that I had plenty of admirors, I was just too "effervescent" or "unreachable" for them to gather any courage to ask me out on a date. <p>Due to the build up of admirors once one managed to ask me out, the rest followed in a rather numerous tirade of dates. I ended up going out with 13 different guys in a year. One a month more or less, plus men asking me out over the internet. I fell in love a couple of times, but realized I couldn't really get along with people my age. I moved higher in the age scale, finding myself dating men nearly 20 years older than me. I also found that a bit too off the edge, and stuck in between men around 5-10 years older, which by the way was the age range of my best friends.<p>My H persued me, and I rejected him several times not finding him fit to mantain a healthy sane relationship. I loved-love romance, adventure and I am somehow in the exciting side of everything, but I don't fall for angsty, troubled, "save me" kind of guys. I wanted a man with his head over his shoulders, with a good job if possible, and who knew what he wanted and had lived life enough to be experienced in any trait I'd find useful.<p>He tried to compose this fake someone, a fake H that fit that description. Someone sweet, funny, intelligent, wise, interesting, and with some zest of life, and overall patience to understand my hyperactivity and my weird-or crazy- personality.<p>So I fell for it, and now I find out he was all icing and there is nothing but cardboard instead of cake. <p>I don't think I'll be trying to find anything better because I "didn't live" I don't think I am high mileage sexually talking since I just have had 2 partners in my whole life, my H being one of them. My H has had more than me, but he doesn't seem to have a clue, and acts like a 17 year old sometimes, which irritates me.<p>Anyways I think one of the things people neglect to take into account when they marry or persue marriage is that:<p>1) You have to know who the hell you are.
2) You have to be comfortable to live on your own.
3) You have to know you can do things on your own.
4) You need to understand marriage is not a fairy tale.
5) You have to know what you want out of your life.<p>It took me one year of my life of devotion and study to find these things out for myself. Then I decided to marry. If you didn't take any time to do this, then I can say your midlife crisis will be inminent.

Alostwife:<p>You are the same age as my daughter! She's also very level-headed about Rs. This past January, she broke up with a long-time BF that I think wanted to M her. They broke up on good terms, and so who knows? Maybe someday they'll get back together.<p>"Anyways I think one of the things people neglect to take into account when they marry or persue marriage is that:<p>1) You have to know who the hell you are.
2) You have to be comfortable to live on your own.
3) You have to know you can do things on your own.
4) You need to understand marriage is not a fairy tale.
5) You have to know what you want out of your life.<p>It took me one year of my life of devotion and study to find these things out for myself. Then I decided to marry. If you didn't take any time to do this, then I can say your midlife crisis will be inminent."<p>This is right on. Much of my W's complaints about our M stem from her feeling that we got M'd too young and she didn't do the things you list, at least not to her satisfaction. The real questions is: What do we do now, after 26.5 yrs of M, 2 great kids, and extensive family and financial commitments. Do we split and give her the space to figure these things out? I'd do that, actually, if she TRULY needed it. Or do we stay together and work on supporting and sharing each others' individuality and watch each other grow as individuals and as a couple from here on out? <p>I honestly don't know what will/should happen.

Hello All
I met my H in Highschool and we graduated in May and Married in September. Both of us turning 18 in March and July of that year. Alostwife said something that struck me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Anyways I think one of the things people neglect to take into account when they marry or persue marriage is that:<p>1) You have to know who the hell you are.
2) You have to be comfortable to live on your own.
3) You have to know you can do things on your own.
4) You need to understand marriage is not a fairy tale.
5) You have to know what you want out of your life.<p>It took me one year of my life of devotion and study to find these things out for myself. Then I decided to marry. If you didn't take any time to do this, then I can say your midlife crisis will be inminent.
<hr></blockquote><p>I don't think that either one of us had thought about the 5 things that she points out. We struggled the first 7 years or so but seemed to get better than. Maybe I was just fooling myself that I knew what I wanted out of life. It is apparent now that MSTBXH didn't think about any of these things and he jumped in with both feet into his midlife crisis and on top of that had an A too. <p>I also think that when people marry young that they kind of grow up together and there comes a point when they realize that they didn't get everything they were looking for before they got married. Some of these people feel that it is more important that they "find themselves" than it is to look for that something else with the person that you have committed your love and devotion to. My WH used the line that we had "grown apart". I don't think we would have if he would have been really committed to our Marriage instead of thinking about himself and what he missed in life. As you can see by my signature line we would have been married 24 years this Sept. H is 42 and I will be 42 next month. Most of our recent problems started when he turned 40. Big time MIDLIFE CRISIS. There is no way to turn him around and hopefully someday he will realize that he could have found all those things with me if he would have worked a little harder at it.

2long,<p>Unfortunately, sometimes people never realize those points I wrote about, and if they do, they believe they have accomplished them. They believe they know what they want, because it is something everybody wants, they believe they know who they are, but they know what people think they are, etc.<p>Knowing who you are, what you want, and where you want to be is easy and rather difficult and complex all at the same time. It is a painful process that can go fast or slow deppending of the will of the person that embarks in the quest.<p>It requires also courage, and loads of honesty. One has to see him-herself at the plain light of day, naked, no pretenses, no images projected by anybody else. It is all you, 100%, virtues, faults, bad habits, good habits, all of it and sometimes it is ugly to see the inner "us".<p>I decided to write everything down. As if I wasn't me, I wrote the description of "Alostwife", what her life to date looked like, what I had accomplished, what I liked, what I didn't like, what I felt proud of, and what I regreted. I laid all down, fair and square, and after a bottle of whiskey I was pretty much drunk and finished.<p>To arrive to this point I had tried to find myself everywhere else. Other people, book, TV, movies, but it was all in me.<p>Nobody can push you to find yourself, and you have to do it on your own way. Maybe asking the number of questions to your wife would help her out find exactly what she is looking to answer in the first place.<p>You can manage to have a normal life AND find yourself. Just give it an hour each day, and use what you have learnt to live better. Of course I used my year drinking and forgetting everything I did but research, it is all a blur now, but at least I saved a lot in therapy.

Is this a bad dream (and I think also 2long),<p>As I said, going through the points and being married is difficult and painful, but not impossible. I know, because that is what my H is going through.<p>For this to work you and your partner need to be BOTH committed to repair the marriage. Committed for real. There are several steps I followed and worked with my H, but remember, all of our spouses are different, and they need different approaches. Part of the reason because my method worked was because my H was desperate for me to take him back, and even though he was resistant to radical honesty and historical radical honesty for a while, he learnt soon that there was no other way around it than being honest.<p>1) Be calm, this will be long, and take a toll in your emotional strength. Make sure nothing gets in the way, the kids can stay away for a day and a night, the telephone must be disconnected. Sit or lay down somewhere calm and safe.
2) Use a very sweet, caring, loving voice with your spouse. Let them know you love them unconditionally and you will hold them through anything. Let them know they are safe.
3) Ask your spouse about their life history, about family, friends, R's, all before the marriage, if they are so kind to fill out the historical radical honesty questionaire, they can use it as a guide. Don't speak, let them talk, don't fill the silence with anything but soft sweet kisses, and hugs. Let them throw it all out.
4) Be prepared because sometimes the past will really make you jealous, mad or sting. Remain calm and remember, it is the past.
5) Try to be emphatic, try to put yourself on their shoes on every situation. Understand, learn, and affirm to them that yes you do understand their stand. That they know why they did what, and that, even though you may have done things differently, it was still understandable.
6) Remember your spouse is not you, so even if you think what they did is completely stupid, well it didn't look stupid to them. So calm down.<p>My H was extremely cooperative, lending me his memories as accuratedly as he could. There are lagoons here and there, but remember, sometimes you cannot remember EVERY detail either, so don't get frustrated.<p>After he was done, cried, and I held him kissed and caressed him, we went through every thing, I gave my opinions, softly and without any kind of lecture. Example:<p>"I understand perfectly, I wish I could have helped you then and be the friend you didn't have, that way maybe you would have been happier"<p>My H found how extremely liberating it was to let go of all the things he wasn't proud of. All the mistakes he had hated himself for.<p>Then we moved to the things he accomplished. I praised him for those things that made me proud of his life, of all he had managed during his life span, and when he said that he didn't know how he'd make up for all the things he had done wrong I told him he'd have the rest of his life to do things to be proud of, that he was human, and that I myself had done pretty stupid things I wasn't happy of on my day, and I listed my faults too.<p>It is a sort of exchange, one needs to know where they fault to be able to be better and know themselves. Normally we just run and hide and try to make this faults invisible not only for us but for everybody else.<p>Oh well I hope I made sense. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

Everything everyone has said makes sense - I'm another one where we met started dating at 17 and then got married at 20, and then one month shy of 10 year anniversary we divorce.<p>But I think the the A and end of marriage was more a function of not committing ourselves to meeting each other's emotional needs - and if you don't do that then of course you grow apart - therein the depletion of the love bank units.<p>I think that the foundation is there in all of these marriages. <p>It's just what do we do with it - do we build a strong unbreakable marriage - or do we skirt along not meeting each other's needs and then when we find ourselves in this situation we wonder why.<p>Unfortunately no one gave us the His Needs Her Needs book at the wedding, and no one bothered to point out what was happening to the marriage until it was too late.<p>It's really hard to see that the marriage is not everything it can be if that's all you are used to and that's all you know.<p>So I don't buy the "we were too young to get married" or the "we grew apart" excuses because now that we have the info. the marriages can be saved - it's just that one party does not want to save it because they are selfish and in the fog.<p>That's my take. K

I think the one of reasons because EN's don't get met is because when people marry they do it in a whiff of passion, love, in love feeling etc.<p>We are brought up with stories that end "And they lived happily ever after". No "And btw cinderella and the prince were very good at communicating, POJA, adressing and meeting needs, so they were happily ever after".<p>We are not brought up to believe that relationships that last a lifetime need effort, and also some homework.<p>That is what I meant with the<p>"You have to know that marriage is not a fairy tale" point.<p>One just doesn't go off in a carriage pulled by white horses after the wedding and lives in a castle where everything gets done and paid on it's own. One has to go to school, work, clean, cook, kids, plus the activities that define our own characters, hobbies, etc etc. <p>Life is busy and we go on pretending that the Love Bank will never get empty, that love lasts forever without having to refill, and then we blame it to being young when all that it is is ignorance.<p>I for one have started giving The his needs her needs questionaire and marriage counseling books as wedding gifts. People think I am crazy, but the brides and grooms normally trust me, because they know that I know what I am doing, I have made couples fill the radical honesty history before getting married (in private and on their own, never seen any questionaires), to make sure nobody goes through what I went through.<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Wow! Looks like a lot of people are in a similar boat... Extremely sad how it's these people who played such an important role in our young lives, abandon us...<p>WW said at one point that she questioned if "this was all there is"... Well, it is what you make it... I failed... She failed... We both have learned so much... Why not try? Why not just try? I could gaurantee her now... If she just tries - she'll get such a Plan A treatment, she'll be blown away - seduction, affection, adventure - whatever it is, we BOTH can benefit from a better outlook. Just one problem... her "boyfriend".<p>I will agree... I don't think it's so much about the age we met, married, etc. It's more about being naive, too trusting, too willing to take things at face value, not being willing to uncover the real truths about how M is hard work. The very sad thing is this... Our WS often come to experience the pangs of disappointment from OP too - yet don't see it for what it is, or stop themselves until it's too late. Even my WW can admit that she doesn't trust OM, and has been disappointed by him! My "evidence" shows it's not like they e-mail each other at all (!) or spend hours on the phone (May's phone bill showed 1 call of 2 minutes). Yet they still persist in hanging onto the fairy dust. It's got to be hugely biochemical. That's what I keep telling myself. Sadly, the rush seems to last a long time... 30 months I saw recently on some news article. But I don't think it's fair to make an excuse for them - chemical or no chemicals, they're tossing away people who've held their hands through many, many of life's important moments.<p>And if they're not "in love" with us... please let us go... rather than give us false hopes here and there... just cut us out, and get on with it... if OP is so much better... why are you still here, WS's of the world?? (I'm really asking those still in active A's - the one's who've had the guts to stop the A, I know why you're "here" - because you've finally seen through the fog, seen the reality of the situation, and are wise enough to take a stand for the most important person in your life.)<p>Sorry... kind of got on a rant there... but seriously... I think we know the answers deep down.<p>[ June 24, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Good observation!<p>Did not think of it. But my WH and I met in HS (HS sweethearts), married when he was 20 and I was 19.<p>Very good thought there... we were the "ultimate" in responsibility back then. Everyone thought we'd never pull off a marriage because 1) I was a wild one back then and I settled down quite quickly after D #1 was born. My H was always a quiet, reserved, almost shy guy. Very conservative. Now he's behaving like a teenager in dress, attitude, and level of responsibility (to no one except himself).

We met when she was 17 and I was 21.
We moved in together at 18 and 22.
We married at 23 and 27.
The affair started in our second year of marriage (7th yr. of living together)
She will turn 26 this year and I will turn 30.

LOL JR...it all seems so simple doesn't it? If they don't love us set us free etc.... When you're "in the fog" it's more like ancient Egyptian hyrogliphics, and all you have is a cracker jacks decoder ring to crack the code.<p>Lately I think I've finally dealt with the past more, and find myself able to think back easier. I remember how a simple thought couldn't even be processed because it was like a subway station of activity in my head. A simple thought like "do I love my husband" couldn't just have an easy answer of yes or no. Because I DIDN'T KNOW! I had no experience with the thoughts and feelings I was having...no template or magic pill that would sort out the obvious from the ridiculous.<p>Think about how crazy it is just running 1 life. I can't keep the life I have NOW balanced...I don't think many of us have nearly enough hours in the day. Now add to that a NEW life, a second POSSIBLE life. The affair doesn't even have to be going on for that life to interfere...because it's in your head. That's that "what if" life that attracts WS's. But then there is also comfort and good things in the life they normally enjoy...or did enjoy before all the fog.<p>I knew there WAS a logical and rational solution...but figuring it out was not easy at all. It took piece by piece dissection of our marriage from start to finish....I had to try to sort out my own perception which I knew was being affected by emotion...at the same time I was trying to sort out the same things about the fantasy/possible life with the OM. It wasn't easy! I knew he and I could make a life together and be ok...but did that make ditching my marriage a good idea...was my marriage really as dead and I deemed it and what potential life would it have if I devoted energy into it...etc etc etc.<p>And all this sorting out and figuring...had to happen while my real life was still being dealt with. I still had dishes, and a child to raise, and bills to pay, and a job to do. It's not like I could curl up in a yen position and just meditate for a week until the answer came. I had to try to sort in out "on the run"...and in the midst of depression. Doesn't work that great.<p>If you need to see what it's like...take a project that needs thinking and planning...something that requires real focus to figure out or plan...and try working on it at a noisy construction yard, or a train station...someplace really noisy and busy and bustling with things going on to divert your attention. See how easy it is then. Oh, and you have to add a deadline to it...and the quality of your work will also determine whether or not you will be able to keep your job. Nothing like adding stress to the situation, eh? Then add to it other people being hurt, pretty much no matter what....and you have to decide who it is. Wheeee! Will the fun never end???<p>I know there are no excuses...we WS's put ourselves in the position and put OTHERS in a position without their consent, or often knowledge. I was just trying to maybe shed a little light on how "easy" it is to figure this all out given the situation.

One other thing I forgot to add....<p>The harder you try to solve the problem...the harder it becomes to solve. But with the urgency of finding the "right" answer...you try harder and harder and focus more and more...til you can't see anymore.<p>My answers came when I thought the decision had been made and I finally gave my brain a rest. I thought that the divorce was going to happen, and the rest of life was just going to be dealt with one thing at a time. The quieter my brain got...the easier each thought and emotion were to sort out.

J.R.<p>((((((((hugglez)))))))<p>I know how you feel. And I know what you mean. If the OP is sooo damn great, then, why the hell having us at home and making us have false hopes?<p>Well the WS are being egotistical. They feel good because there are 2 people completely hanging for them, their every word, their every whiff. The admiration is addictive, having 2 men or women doing their best to keep you is exhilarating, and it takes will, core goodness, and empathy to let one go and act like an adult already.
The problem is that when they are being selfish empathy goes off the window and act as if everybody had to feel as they are feeling, regardless of how WRONG they are.<p>Sometimes they are scared because they realize in which jam they've gotten. Sometimes one day they wake up and find out what jerk OW-OM is, or how much better the BS actually behaves. But then a lot of feelings might come into account.<p>1) Pride, they have been proven to be wrong, all the love declarations for the OP, everytime they slapped the BS around with how OP is better, comes back and bites them where it hurts.<p>2) Fear, scared that the BS won't let them come back, because they know what they have done, and they believe we have been in a selfish mode, just as them, so we will most likely laugh at them, humiliate them and close the door on their nose, which is WRONG. Or just rub the affair on their nose and make them feel terrible.<p>3) Fear of facing consequences. They'll have to upset the OP, dumping people is difficult, but they make it ridiculous due to the fact of wanting to avoid the conflict. They will wait untill the OP gets tired, or the BS gets tired, and they will move when someone else decides for them.<p>If the WS chooses the OP just because they believe there is no better choice, then odds are that they aren't leaving the BS because the BS is comfortable, they have known them for a long period of time, there are explanations to family, friends, BS, kids, divorce paper, proceedings. They might loose economic status, along with respect, etc etc. The problem is, if they are so in love, then why just not move on!<p>Sorry I am rambling now [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

What I said before doesn't quite apply to a cake eater though. I think they actually decide they like the way things are, just as they are...and are more willing to try to run dual lives than to try to figure out anything different. The decision is already made...they just spend their energy trying to keep it going their way. It's a little different situation than a WS who is trying to figure out the "right" answer.

H4F,<p>Once again, your insight into the WW mind is amazing!<p>Let me do some follow-up...<p>1. Do you think that the impending Dv was the only thing that could have allowed your "acceptance", and therefore your ability to settle your mind? How about Plan B by your H (i.e. I can't see or speak to you as long as OM is around)? Meditation (sure, you had your life to live, but did it help any)? Your medication?<p>2. How about your H's new GF? That would seem to have unsettled you, rather than settle... Or was it another level of "oh, I guess this is really happening."<p>3. Would you describe "REALITY" as the thing that was settling in for you? You said before that the last 3 months when you had the least contact with H was when you started thinking the clearest - was it the lack of contact? the divorce? your brain finally getting fed up?<p>I know I'm kind of repeating what you already said - it was the divorce, right? I guess I'm trying to see what the other factors were that might have helped. I want to believe that it doesn't have to come to filing for Dv to make most WS's stop in their tracks...

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me coming into your thread here. But I think you are asking some really good questions that I am curious to hear from H4F.

I find this very interesting, as it might give me some insight about what my WS is possibly going through or thinking. As I have not heard from her and neither have my kids, or attorneys, in over 2-1/2 months.

Only one she is talking to is her mother, and her mother isn't saying anything.

Wallace

"1. Do you think that the impending Dv was the only thing that could have allowed your "acceptance", and therefore your ability to settle your mind?"<p>No, it actually wasn't JUST the divorce...it was a combination of things. MOST of which I was doing myself. Meditation and walking really helped. It also helped that hubby took a wonderfully active role in our sons life, so that allowed me time alone. I used most of that time to work...but I did spend plenty of hours looking inward.<p>"How about Plan B by your H (i.e. I can't see or speak to you as long as OM is around)? " <p>Hubby didn't do a Plan B...but he did start weaning away in the last 3 months. We weren't hanging out together any more, and most conversations were about our son...although still very friendly. That was about the time I was really settling in to my life and gaining "acceptance" that this was just the way it was going to be for a while.<p>"Meditation (sure, you had your life to live, but did it help any)? Your medication?"<p>Meditation was GREAT for calming my mind. It gave me something else to focus on when I was burning out mentally. Also taking walks. I would walk a few miles and allow myself to think through all the thoughts I had piling up...then I would turn back and not allow myself to do anything accept take in the beauty around me. When I'd get home I'd take a nice bubble bath and feel TONS better. I only used the antidepressants for a few months, but they sure did the trick of getting me OUT of the pit. I was, and had been, extremely depressed and just couldn't seem to pull out of it. Once I had a hand up...I seemed to do ok maintaining. The main reason I quit them was because we could never get the dosage regulated right to where I wouldn't have so many side effects. The main side-effects were sleepiness and weight gain...so I wanted OFF when that continued.<p>"2. How about your H's new GF? That would seem to have unsettled you, rather than settle... Or was it another level of "oh, I guess this is really happening."<p>I had been doing a great deal of "settling"...but still plenty of thinking. I had made some interesting realizations about relationships, and marriages and such that caused me to think that MAYBE hubby and I could have actually had a shot...but I was comfortable where I was at because it felt TONS better than how I'd been when I was in "panic decision making" mode. So making NEW decisions about trying again was NOT in my plans. However the FULL realization that he did indeed have someone ready to pop right in and take my place...well...that really sent me off the edge.<p>"3. Would you describe "REALITY" as the thing that was settling in for you?"<p>While I was gaining that comfortable settling feeling...my reality was only to deal with one or two days at a time. FULL reality didn't hit me until confirmation of the girlfriend. Then it was...OH MY GOD...there will be some other woman giving my son baths (and hubby too!!!) etc.... CRIPES, WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!<p>"You said before that the last 3 months when you had the least contact with H was when you started thinking the clearest - was it the lack of contact? the divorce? your brain finally getting fed up?"<p>Well, we'd been on this roller coaster for almost 2 years...we were just finally weaning away from "family" life since divorce seemed what we were headed for. Lack of contact did help. The slow, painful realizations that come with divorce did help. And yes...my brain was EXTREMELY fed up (as was my hubby, and my friends and everyone else!!!)<p>"I know I'm kind of repeating what you already said - it was the divorce, right? I guess I'm trying to see what the other factors were that might have helped. I want to believe that it doesn't have to come to filing for Dv to make most WS's stop in their tracks..."<p>I'm sure it's different in every case. Each wayward spouse has their own set of "triggers" and experiences to help or hinder their situation. Plus all the other people involved do or say make a difference too. I don't just mean the betrayed spouse and the "other"...I mean EVERYONE. I had friends and neighbors giving less than informed/educated advice (even my counselor)...plus plenty of enablers on message boards and such. But...I just kept seeking out answers...and eventually I could "see" what advice was "emotion based" and what was really based more on fact and reality. As I became more comfortable with myself...I started to trust my own ability for sorting out a truth. It was a long, painful process...but well worth it.<p>Does that help at all?

One other thing, JR...not really related to the original observations of this post, nor the most recent.<p>I know you've been out for a few weeks...but that's still REALLY new. I was out for a while before I really missed anything that my hubby contributed to my life. The initial feeling was one of FREEDOM. Not so much from my marriage or my hubby, but from the stress. It just felt good to have some breathing room and to be a little independant. Stupid stuff like making a meal that was JUST FOR ME...and deciding to SKIP a meal if I wanted.<p>I guess I'm just trying to say, don't expect any HOBP right away (Head Outta Butt Popping). This will give her a chance to act like a grown up for a while and take care of herself...which will hopefully help to pull her out of this acting like a 4 year old phase.