gammago,

You are going through withdrawal, that will keep you buzzing for a while, I know because my WH went through it for 2 entire years.
The problem with it is that his withdrawal went on longer as he refused to tell me the truth. He thought, as you do, that marriages can survive and be alright without the betrayed spouse knowing. Big mistake!

It made him feel awful to lie to me. He says that the more he had to lie the worse he felt, because he knew I loved him deeply and madly, and I would never in a thousand years cheat on him, I wouldn't even lie if I ate the last piece of cake in the fridge.

He felt very sad and guilty, even after the OW was out of the picture for a loooong while, he still felt depressed, not for missing the OW (who now he detests due to some stuff we found out she did to him), but for having this secrets buried inside.

He felt he was not a good husband, he thought I was too good for him, he couldn't figure out why I of all people wanted to stay and love him and smile at him. So, he treated me like a jerk. He wanted me to do something bad or yell so he could feel like we deserved each other.

I never did such a thing, because I love him.

Finally I asked him to please have faith in me, and tell me what was depressing him so much. After 3 months he told me all the dark secrets that kept dragging him down.

I didn't run away. I was mad, but not mad at his confession, mad at the timing, mad that he had decided to keep all this very important information from me. Mad because I felt I had been cut out of Life Turning decisions, decisions that he had made for me, in the middle of emotional turmoil.

You see gamma, I am not attacking you, understand that. I am just saying, calm down, and take a deep breath. What you did was bad, but, it is already done. No use on hiding from it now, no use on trying to pretend it never happened.

You are hurt, you are confused, you need your best friend by your side fully capable to understand what is making you sad and bleed inside. You need the person you chose over every single person on this Earth to be your companion. You need your wife's love and help.

Gamma, give her the chance to help you in your moment of sorrow. She is the one that would catch your fall.

My husband allowed me in, and even when I wanted to cry, when I wanted to scream, punch and have a fit, I still held him, because I loved him and I couldn't stand see his beautiful eyes full of tears, those eyes I loved so much, I longed his smile, I longed his laugh, and now I have it all back because he has let me in.

He had faith in me, and I have faith in him.

Gamma, don't go into this alone, you have a wife that loves you, let her know, let her help you and pick you up.

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</small>

Gammago,
I visit this site often, but rarely post.....your thread sounded all to familiar.

Eight years ago, my husband became involved in an ema with a coworker. It lasted several years. Although I had my suspicions, he denied and I believed. He went to counselling where he was advised to keep quiet. He was given the same advice you were given....so he thought he too would "take it to his grave"

In September 2001, the xow thought his life was going along a little too well. We were blessed with two children and still together! She decided to send all of his notes and cards (he had given her 5 years ago) to my home, workplace and my sister's workplace. She took the time to write snide remarks on the outside of all of the envelopes and purchased "Love" stamps for them.

I believe if I was given the information by him 5 years ago, I would be in a much better place emotionally. Having 8 years of our 17 year marriage be scarred by the affair itself and then the 5 years of lies by omission is at times overwhelming.

I strongly believe the only way you are going to "rejuvinate" your marriage is by telling your wife the truth. Your secret is like a cancer eating away at your relationship. You can't possibly give your self completely to the relationship when you are dealing with the emotions that are affair related.

I was one of those people that swore I would never stay with a man that could cheat. Our recovery efforts have been like a rollercoaster ride. There are days when I just don't want to continue in our marriage....and days I am so happy to be with him. Thankfully, he doesn't give up.

Since discovery, I feel like we've gone to a different level. I will never be thankful for the affair, but we are determined to make our marriage better than it has ever been.

I apologize for the long, rambling post. I just hope that I can somehow convince you that you need to tell your wife now. She needs to be given the opportunity to make a choice about working on the marriage or leaving.

Please tell!

Wannabewhole

Gammago,
I visit this site often, but rarely post.....your thread sounded all to familiar.

Eight years ago, my husband became involved in an ema with a coworker. It lasted several years. Although I had my suspicions, he denied and I believed. He went to counselling where he was advised to keep quiet. He was given the same advice you were given....so he thought he too would "take it to his grave"

In September 2001, the xow thought his life was going along a little too well. We were blessed with two children and still together! She decided to send all of his notes and cards (he had given her 5 years ago) to my home, workplace and my sister's workplace. She took the time to write snide remarks on the outside of all of the envelopes and purchased "Love" stamps for them.

I believe if I was given the information by him 5 years ago, I would be in a much better place emotionally. Having 8 years of our 17 year marriage be scarred by the affair itself and then the 5 years of lies by omission is at times overwhelming.

I strongly believe the only way you are going to "rejuvinate" your marriage is by telling your wife the truth. Your secret is like a cancer eating away at your relationship. You can't possibly give your self completely to the relationship when you are dealing with the emotions that are affair related.

I was one of those people that swore I would never stay with a man that could cheat. Our recovery efforts have been like a rollercoaster ride. There are days when I just don't want to continue in our marriage....and days I am so happy to be with him. Thankfully, he doesn't give up.

Since discovery, I feel like we've gone to a different level. I will never be thankful for the affair, but we are determined to make our marriage better than it has ever been.

I apologize for the long, rambling post. I just hope that I can somehow convince you that you need to tell your wife now. She needs to be given the opportunity to make a choice about working on the marriage or leaving.

Please tell!

Wannabewhole

Thanks again Lost and Wanna, (wasn't wanna what the natives used to call the white man in Tarzan?)LOL I really mean it, thanks. Your comments seem very sincere. When I first started to get responses from this post I thought everyone here was brainwashed. But I can see you all mean well

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

gamma,

(((((hugs to you)))))

I know it is difficult. I have seen my WH struggle with this for a long time, not wanting to hurt me, not wanting me to get mad at him, living scared of his own past.

He doesnt post here, but reads everything I write with me. All he had to say about this situation is "Don't go through this alone". You have a wife, a team mate, a companion and confidant.

You two are a unit.

When I first got married I warned my WH that if he EVER ever cheated me or even thought of it I'd be out of the door. I said this not once, not twice, but about 20 times, over and over.

I am a very independent and strong person, I gave up a lot to be with this man, and I wasn't in for allowing him to go around cheating on me when I had given so much.

Turns out my love was stronger than pride or anger.

I loved him too much to just walk away.

Give your wife the chance to help you when you need her, let her know she is the number one person on your life. Let her try to show you why she deserves to be the number one person on your life.

Don't go through this alone gamma, you don't have to, you shouldn't have to. Nobody should have to hurt alone when they have got a partner for life.

Marriage is all about challenges, about surpasing them and becoming a better couple together.

Keep posting gamma, we will try our darnest to help you and your wife out.

Like you, my H also intended to take this 'to his grave.' During those years of lying, he had trouble with alcohol, depression, health problems, etc. Even though it was awful revealing the truth, he says now that he's so relieved that I know. It was eating him up. He hates the pain that he's caused, but knows now that the lies were the worst part for me.

If you really do continue to keep this to yourself, you are in my opinion, only trying to protect yourself and what you may lose. Your wife has a right to know so she can decide, you shouldn't be doing it for her. I've NEVER heard anyone say they wish they didn't know the truth. And believe me, I know plenty of betrayed spouses.

If you really love her and care about more than protecting yourself (which my H and his OW were doing), you will get into counseling with her and tell her the truth. My H told me in the presence of our counselor. Sure it was hard, but a major relief after suspecting for years. Good luck