this is still in the past.. but recently found out friend of my h's who went out drinking after work with ow and my h... did this with just the 2 of them.. he knew more than he will admit to! This man now works for same co. as me.. diff. division and building- just got through going to that building and my blood pressue shot way up, I am even shaking.. I get this way when I have to think of people who caused or were involved in this crap...

wanting to talk to him and ask him why he did it... tell him that we are all still hurting and why was he involved?

Thanks for opinions... honey

It really makes me wonder, what kind of friends help in destroying peoples lives. My WW has friends like this as well. Just take some deep breaths and calm down a bit. Talking to his friend will probably not do any good, it will probably just make you more upset, or he might lie to you and you will get upset later when you find out the truth. Bear in mind I have a suspicous outlook, maybe that is not the case here, but I look at everythig assuming the worst now days.

Good Luck.

He's your HUSBANDS friend. He has no obligation to you. Nor does he have an obligation to live a moral life and preach values to your H just because it would benefit you.

Not everyone has the same belief system.

And whether you like it or not, there will be some people that take your H's side.

Let it go. You reacted this way to his father too and that blew up in your face.

You can control YOU. thats all.

Honey - you know what he may just not have wanted to get involved - that is what alot of my husbands friends said when they found out he had an affair or that they were suspicous of him having one - people unfortunately don't like to get involved or some get involved for all of the wrong reasons... I think you should calm down... Breathe there is no point in confronting him... But I was actually just coming to this board to post a question to you - because I have been reading your posts for awhile and I see the pain you are in and what you are going through and how hard you try to make everything work.. I actually have been trying since october but recently just said ok to a divorce like in April - and i have done all of the work for the divorce etc. I guess I just pushed the issue because I couldn't live in the pain of not knowing where things stood in our marriage.. Ok but my question to you is why are people like you and me with beautiful children i have two girls put up with this?? Don't we deserve better than the treatment we are receiving???? I mean I am actually getting divorced and I still need to know things what he is doing, where he is going and I drive myself crazy obsessing all of the time??? Really why are we doing this???

tHANKS mAW 64 AND everyone else for the replies.. NO that friend doesnt care.. but he had been over to my house for dinner.. out with me and my h and set up with my sister for a few dates.. and even to my cousins wedding party! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> See... he knew me and the kids... even my sister... what a scum.. I just found out from a brief conversation with ow number 1 last week- that frequently the 3 of them went out for after work drinks! P:(

Anyway... I just want him to know what he cobntributed too.. no it was not his fault- but he stood there and watched! !!!

Thanks maw.. no we dont deserve it... I am somewhat patient.. thought impatient- that is, I hate this... but I feel I can wait it out and h will come to his senses! !!! Just hat ethe wait... andhe has to do some work too! !!!

Thanks, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Honey -- I doubt that you're gonna like what I have to say.....

How long exactly do you plan on waiting?

Your H has more issues than infidelity. And until he addresses those -- you CAN'T recover your marriage. No matter how badly you want it.

He hasn't given you the slightest indication that he even ACKNOWLEDGES that he has a problem - much less is seeking help or treatment for it.

And you've got two little boys watching and patterning all of this.

Personally I think YOU deserve better. And they definitely do.

Listne to Lexey,

If this friend cared, he wouldn't have done it.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE HIM FEEL BAD, all it will do will renforce your H's beliefe that you are unstable.

DON'T do anything.

Venting here is the answer.

Hope your day gets better

my H has been way more good to me than bad throughout our m.. the drinking is def. .. he has sd he will prob. get some hlep.. that is it...

Yes, I know this is bad for my boys.. terrible and I hate it.. but I feel some more wiating might help... I am at 9 mnth mark and I think at 1 yr... I will freak. and probl . file.. we are in counseling with jenn.. and I am restarting ind. counselikng this week.. also I attend alanon at least 1x a week...

anyway... I have loved this man 18 yrs.. hard to just throw it out the window.. who he is right now is not at all who I married.. I am hoping this is a drinking bottom.

H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Honey,
One of my H's co-workers, who knew me a decade before the A, we'd had him over for meals, set him up with dates, went to his first wedding...was the one who offered his home to my H the first 6 times he left. I did talk to him about it, he said he wanted to do what he could to make it "easier" for "us". No, he didn't feel bad...he thought he was doing a "good" thing. Then, since I was talking to him on a night my H was supposed to be living with him, but at that hour still out with the OW, he hit on me and said we should give my H a big surprise to find me in Friend's bed.

No, he's no longer on my friend list, he's just scum...but he did do one nice thing. Apparently he also hit on the OW when she called and H was not there (with me?) and, she didn't say no, (like I did!) because they began dating in our 5th separation and are now married.

Still scum, and married to a s1ut, I hope it lasts forever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Even if your H's friend used to be your friend, he isn't now. Things change, you find things out, adjust accordingly.

Honey - let me tell you a little about my situation - first of all I have been with my husband for 19 years married 15 in August - have two girls 9 and 12 - anyways we had never even really had any kind of fights or if we did they were about him partying and drinking - anyways he started acting wierd last summer and i started accusing him of having a girlfriend but I was kidding... anyways he told me the truth that he had an affair - then after months of him excessively drinking because he didn't want to be in the house and being very mean to me because I wouldn't trust him - then in April I found out that he had been talking to the lady next door for the last year on the telephone and is probably still continuing to I am not sure -but anyways - the point I am trying to make is that I have been hanging on and practically begging to make our relationship work - I said that I would never get the divorce because he wanted it not me - I still do not want this divorce but - I will tell you my children are 100% better now that we have come to a decision - I still love him and would love to have him come home - but he is lost and i know that I cannot as much as I want fix him.....I need to fix myself - I still haven't figured out how to let go but I have made that decision to try to be happy and not deal with this roller coaster - I still call him especially everytime the lady next door drives out of the driveway but I know this isn't healthy - I also know that he doesn't deserve me..... and that i don't deserve this -... And even now if I don't bring up anything about our situation we get along fine - can actually hang out or shop together - but this is just fooling me that I still have a chance.... You must decided what you want and how long you are willing to put up with this...

Lor
What a good story...they both got what they deserved...each other.

Honey,
When I found out about the a, my h told of this person who helped h and ow get together. I didn't know this woman, she worked with and was a friend to then ow. I informed owh's of the a (which he already knew) and informed him of how this woman had helped. Psycho xow told this woman that it was known by both betrayed spouses what she had done. It was like a light bulb went on in her head what she was actually doing. She profusely apologized to my h and promptly ended her friendship with the psycho. I think it was then that it occurred to her what she had been a party to. My point is...unless one has experienced something they can't understand its ramifications. When I watch a movie and there is adultery involved, I see it in a different light.

I don't think saying anything to this man would help. If your h has told him that you are unstable, then you confronting him would remove doubt that it's true. Don't you believe that whether this man went with them or not, they would have still been together? I do. It's not his fault or his responsibility to police their morals or intentions. Let it go...

thanks I actually.. called him in my anger- when ow mentioned he was always with them at first it really got to me... he has called me back 2x, since I left friendly message.. but I have let my phone ring.. dont know what to say now that I calm down... but still mad! I just think he makes me sic,k! h <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I know this call could and would be an lb to my H... and that his friend ed will tattle tell... so I guess I keep it light hearted and no stress... any tips on what I should say if he keeps calling me back? HONEY IT will probl. blow over...I am a marketer so I am great with friendly converstaion on the phone and nice messages... so I left super friendly please call me back message out of habit.. and he did call back 2 x.. I just looked at my caller ID... going OH NO>.. what do I say to himn? I let it ring...

Thanks for any advice...

one of my h's lb's I commit is: using the hphone as a weapon.. which includes calling his fam and friends and letting them know what I think...

On my desk I have this quote today:
"speaking your mind is an awfully dangerous thing to do. Choose your words carefully"

I do not want to lb... maybe I should make this enemy a quasi friend if I talk to him?

Who knows? I do not need more enemies..

Hugs and thanks..>I know I got a little psycho... I always want to speak my mind, and it gets me in trouble.

Thanks again for advice as this is a big stress to me today,t hat is why I am venting and trying to get help here.. instead of the lb factor I will / could commit.

HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's one for the record books.
My WH and the OW were in a big scuba group along with OW's H and a lot of other people. We went on vacation in February with this group and OW and her H stayed in the room next to ours. That was the worst vacation of my life, I had no idea that any of this was going on and trusted him so much that it made it easy for him. Sad part is that we had our S (15) with us on vacation and WH's business partner and his wife as well.

On the flight to vacation resort I called WH on his little flirting looks and glances at OW especially when OW's H wasn't looking. Same excuses and denial as always. OW's husband called her out on it the last day of vacation. Everyone that went on the trip with us surely thought I was nuts but once they found out about WH and OW and what they did to OW's H and the friendships with all the other people in the group I think that they realized that I was the sane one. There is some justice out there. Just wish I would have seen it before I put myself and S through this whole mess.

My WH has lost all friendships with everyone that we socialized with prior to A and the only one that he has left is OW. He has estranged himself from his family and all other friends. His business partner has to still be nice to him as he has to work with him on a daily basis. Wonder how much the Business partners wife knows. He has told me that he has been over there for dinner a couple of times since he left. Just wonder if she (OW) was worth the loss of all these friends?

OW's H called me at first but I told him that I really didn't want to talk to him about OW and his realationship (in a nice way) that I needed to work on my R with WH. He continues to send me e-mails (usually jokes) but I don't respond. I figure I have enough on my plate to take care of that I don't need his stuff too.

Honey - You might just want to make small talk. Tell him that you were over in his building today and realized that you hadn't talked to him in a while and wondered how things were going. You really don't want to give him a chewing, that will only make you look bad. I have had to bite my tongue so much that some days it is bloody.

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: Is this a bad dream ]</small>

I know this is major LB if I lb h's friend.. and friend will tattle tell to h... I am just sickened by friends contribution to this... I think in past in big anger burst... I told him this on phone alraeday... I know this guy is drinking buddy.. and this type of friend will have to be eliminated if we reconcile anyway...I know he is still in contact with h because I used to ck vmail of h before H found out and changed vmail...

Anyway.. Major Lb h says I commit is using the phone as a weapon... which means calling his friends, being brutally honest and etc.

I do not want to call... him back... maybe if he keeps calling I will answer and try to be nice..? make him an ally? who knows? What would I poss. say I was calling for? Anyway...

I wanted to say... I found out you were more involved with h and ow getting to know each other with your outings to bars after work.. just the 3 of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess major lb to spouse... I kind of get this way when I have no one to talk to. and stress builds up in me over the A.. and all the responsibkilities on my back...kids, money, and etc. I am stressed and angry that I am at job I do not really lijke and not home with my kids.. it just plain makes me mad..

Maybe I will write h a letter..>i just made a list of his "crimes" as a nother poster suggested and that helped.. me get mad at h...I still tend to get mad at all the bad influencnes and make excuses for him like he is abad little boy... no , he is almost 35!

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

is this a bad dream.. I hear you...

I think my h has a new group of morally corrupt friends...

AGGH! HONEY

Honey - just tell him you called him in a weak moment to see if he was still hanging out with your husband because you were worried about him or something - don't tell him the real reason because it will come back to haunt you - my husband is still ticked at me because I called some of his friends behind his back and he thought that was way out of line or he compared it to the phone conversation with the neighbor - no way do the two compare - he also thought I was constantly checking on him... Again it is not worth your energy... don't talk to him.. or let your husband know next time that you called him in a moment of weakness before the other guy tells him...

sounds good...I can tell him I hadnt heard from Jim in a while.. and wondered if he knew if he was ok..if they are still friends... (h's phone is out today)- that happens a lot with h who drinks out of line and doesnt work steady job... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

thanks Maw. HONEY

I agree with Maw's suggestion. Don't let him know you know about his contribution to A. It will only upset him and your H. I think WS get angry anytime BS finds out about any new info.. They blame the BS for snooping, even when the WS is not being careful. WS knows everything they have done and they are the ones that will have to deal with there actions longer than we will. I truly believe that we deal with the pain of the WS's actions now, and the WS deals with the pain of their actions for later, but for the rest of his or her's life.

one of my h's lb's I commit is: using the hphone as a weapon.. which includes calling his fam and friends and letting them know what I think...

*******************************************

Please tell us that you got control of yourself before you blasted H's friend.

This is what you did with FIL too.

It is a HUGE LB'er to your H. And its why he thinks you're unstable. Do you really want to prove him right??