WS_Woman,

I understand that you feel you need his cooperation to end this. As Hope4future could write a book, so too could I write a biography, a 7 year book on why this is most definetely a dead end. But no one and no words can convince him if he isn't ready. You can only take care of you and do what is best for you. He is looking out for himself, you are meeting some of his needs and he will not want that to end no matter what we write here.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. You already know this. Its practically universal, it will only get harder.

I haven't been happy in my marriage, and I wasn't before the affair started. After the affair started, the marriage was worse and I was more unhappy, not less. I only thought I felt better because I had this relationship and this addiction that was defocusing me. In the end, at the end of all of it, I'm still here, with my H, and my marriage sure didn't get any better while I was ignoring it and ignoring the problems we had. Your life will only get worse if you continue with affair. This too is universal. It can not sustain you. You know that adage, together we stand, divided we fall? That is how ending an affair works. You must do it alone and not rely on his cooperation. It makes it harder if it is not a joint agreement, but it can be done.

ws_woman,

"I have spent about 3 years now trying to save my marriage."

You may have been spending 3 years reading books, but as long as you have been communicating with OM, you have not been "saving" anything....if anything, you've been further damaging your M by emailing OM all of this time, and you're daily creating a bigger mess to clean up should you ever truly implement NC and start recovery w/your H.

For 1.5 years, I was where you are with the email sexual flirting w/a friend of 9 yrs., telling myself I was "working on the M" because I recognized our M's problems, I initiated our therapy, and I was reading the books. I was addicted to the emails, though, they gave me a high, the sexual flirting fed both of our egoes, thus fulfilled our needs...but it was pure selfishness...we were really just using each other. It was unhealthy, and how can that be "love"??? Worst of all, I was robbing my spouse of any opportunity to hopefully meet those needs, as I was giving my best--my heart--to the OM, instead of to the man who took a vow to be with me for life.

I'm now 6 months out of NC with FOM. After 4 months, I told H everything of EA and we are truly on the road to recovery. Oddly enough, the EA was a wake-up call to my H, and after 10 years of meeting 0 of my needs, he is now meeting practically all of them--permanently--thanks to God's grace!

Re: sending OM this thread:

"I want him to understand that what we're doing is a dead end."

Why can't he understand it by YOUR saying to him this?:

"What we're doing is a dead end. I'm implementing NC."

Why does he need to read it from 30 strangers? If he respects and admires you so, then he should agree with your wisdom and go along with your insistance to cut off contact. I wouldn't recommend sending this thread to OM. It will only complicate matters. This is your responsibility, your heart, your integrity, your family's reputation that you must respect. Please, cut it clean before any more harm is done to your heart and your marriage. You deserve more than this addiction.

Peace and prayers. -- Suzy