I am living in stuffed emotions over my marriage...here's some advice...I've gotten from books, etc.

1. Write a letter to her that you do not intend to give to her and put everything you want to say in it... then destroy it! be very careful and destroy it!

2. Punch a pillow

3. Scream when home alone...

4. Exercise

5. Walk around the block a few times if necessary when you get the urge to talk... etc. leave for a while, so you can calm down.

6. Call a friend!

7. Post. (I know you know how to do this!)

Just a few ideas that have helped me get it out a little..... (I dont scream a whole lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - but once me and my kids did it for fun!)

Believe me I want to confront like crazy, but it drives my h away..... and away and away... please be careful.. you have gained so much ground in this battle.... be wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hope to see you wednesday at 12 noon? maybe?

Hugs, HONEY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alostwife:
<strong>Well, maybe you should ask her very gently: "Dear, you feeling alright?" if she says "Yes, why?" you can answer "Oh, just wondering, you seem as if you wanted to talk to me but weren't sure you could. i just wanted to let you know I am here, ok?" Then if she allows you you can hug her and give her a kiss, and go back to get busy with something else. If she needs you, she'll go get you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did; she said, "no, what makes you think that?"...I said, "I don't know, I just thought...well, I'm here if you need me, you know that."

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
The dream sounds... weird. Maybe the "you & me, out" Means "You and I need to get out and talk", that is what it sounds to me. The date... is weird, my dreams are normally very detailed, with dates, years, times, kinda creepy sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I guess you're more of an optimist ALW, I was thinking along the lines of the OM is in prison and will get out, and me (W) out of our M to be with him...and for me it's very weird that I remembere that detail...I NEVER remember my dreams, much less a detail like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>SpaceCase,
Just wanted to say hey & wish you luck!
She is in a fog & knows not what she wants perhaps.
You have done well & you should make it a priority to watch out for your own happiness! These things are on her now --
Peace, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
HH</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HH, I really appreciate the support...I'm in a major state of uneasiness, VERY fearful of what W is up to...don't know what's going to happen W/steve tomorrow...dad's here...just a mess@!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Personally, I like it when Mr. Pepper asks me this question ...
Is there anything I can do for you today Pepper?"

I am free to go any which way I choose with that offer. (And, it doesn't make it sound as though I've been behaving in a *certain way*)

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good idea, as usual, Pep! I'll try it tomorrow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I LuvNprotect ME:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I get the feeling there's something she's wanting to say to me. Should I ask her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, yes, ask because
1) it gives her an opportunity to be honest - your not setting her up for failure with this big confrontation with Steve - your giving her a chance to come to you. Tell her, she can tell you anything. You love her and you are here for her. If she chooses NOT to say anything then definately wait for Steve. But give her choices.

2) it gives you a chance to relieve the pressure cooker. I think if you stuff your feelings too long, you will blow. You opening up to her just by asking if there is anything she wants to talk about will relieve some of that pressure from you of holding that ugly secret in you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right on both counts, ILuv. I asked, she said no, we're OK. Thanks!

Dreams can be freaky sometimes.

I had nightmares as a kid...just after my mom died. A great big dark mushroom shaped thing would just grow and grow and grow, and get darker and darker and darker...and I felt so helpless and couldn't do anything to stop it.

Dad always told me it was a representation of my feelings of helplessness over the death of my mom (I was 4.5). Well....that made sense to me...but the dream always haunted me and at bad times I would sometimes have it again.

Just about a month after the tornado took everything...I had it again. And this time I could tell what it was...it wasn't a mushroom shaped cloud...it was a huge tornado. Much like they said ours looked like (brother in law could see it when the lightening flashed...it happend at 11pm).

I woke up sitting straight up in bed with goosebumps on things I didn't even know I had. WEEEEIRRRRD, SPPPPOOOOOKY.

I've also never seen faces in my dreams...everythings just kind of colors and shapes...yet I just KNOW who everyone is. Well, after my dad's death I had a dream and he spoke to me...and I could see him clear as if I were face to face with him. And in the morning I could still remember it that way. That really freaked me out too.

I think trauma and stress will just do that to you. I hope things start happening for you soon (preferably GOOD things!!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>I am living in stuffed emotions over my marriage...here's some advice...I've gotten from books, etc.

1. Write a letter to her that you do not intend to give to her and put everything you want to say in it... then destroy it! be very careful and destroy it!

2. Punch a pillow

3. Scream when home alone...

4. Exercise

5. Walk around the block a few times if necessary when you get the urge to talk... etc. leave for a while, so you can calm down.

6. Call a friend!

7. Post. (I know you know how to do this!)

Just a few ideas that have helped me get it out a little..... (I dont scream a whole lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - but once me and my kids did it for fun!)

Believe me I want to confront like crazy, but it drives my h away..... and away and away... please be careful.. you have gained so much ground in this battle.... be wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hope to see you wednesday at 12 noon? maybe?

Hugs, HONEY</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, Honey! These are good.
I will not be able to join you guys after all, and I'm real sorry about that! Next time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have my apptmt with Steve tomorrow, although it'll be from the car on my way to Baton Rouge (don't ask! It's my dad's thing!) so that should be fun!

Hopefully, some of the angst and uneasiness will begin to be lifted with that, and hopefully he'll have some good recommendations for confrontation, decision on MB weekend, etc.

I am SO waiting for that call....thanks to everyone, once again, for your support. It's so good to come back after being out all day and see that so many friends took the time....I'm getting mushy again...thanks.

I am not going to do anything crazy and jeopardize all the work we've done, nothing will happen until after Steve's call. And I'll post about it tomorrow nite when I get home...

Hi Spacecase,
I bought 2 five gallon buckets of "Extra Strength Self Control" at the paint store, I mixed in some "Sleep with 2longs", and some "Ability to find humor in all situations" to yours. I am going to FTP them to you when you read this.

Are you feeling anything?
Anything yet?
Hope it works, and lets you last longer, have more fun. We care.
2long, I know you read here, yours is coming too.
( I got the sleep on sale, so I threw it in, thought you could use it.)

All the good things we try to say may be kind of hollow now for both of you, but we care. I hope this helps a little, if only for a bit.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>Hi Spacecase,
I bought 2 five gallon buckets of "Extra Strength Self Control" at the paint store, I mixed in some "Sleep with 2longs", and some "Ability to find humor in all situations" to yours. I am going to FTP them to you when you read this.

Are you feeling anything?
Anything yet?
Hope it works, and lets you last longer, have more fun. We care.
2long, I know you read here, yours is coming too.
( I got the sleep on sale, so I threw it in, thought you could use it.)

All the good things we try to say may be kind of hollow now for both of you, but we care. I hope this helps a little, if only for a bit.

SS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SS; not as hollow as you think...the support and venting-room is essential and has made a world of difference. Many a time better decisions and actions have been taken because of feedback here. Thanks!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, this one's a baffler to me. I cannot post the details, but my W WAS NOT allowed into the prison to visit the OM on 7/18.

That day was the day she called very cheery both in AM as well as in PM, but after that day, everything was gloomy.

She's back, she's pretty cold and distant, and I don't have a clue what may be going on...I'd expect her to be angry, frustrated....maybe she is but I can't tell...

The person who gave me this information told me "not to hold onto something that doesn't want to hold back" although they would not elaborate...

Any thoughts on what this could all mean?

SC:

Sounds like she WAS able to visit after that.

As for the "advice" you were given, that sounds like one of those things a well-meaning relative or friend might say.

I wouldn't put too much stock in it. But ask Steve today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>SC:

Sounds like she WAS able to visit after that.

As for the "advice" you were given, that sounds like one of those things a well-meaning relative or friend might say.

I wouldn't put too much stock in it. But ask Steve today.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My understanding is she was "escorted out", and not allowed to enter. Furthermore, she will no longer be allowed to enter...so this should be a serious blow...maybe all it did was make her more determined than ever...?

As for the advice, I would agree, although they must have had a reason to say that...

Do you know why she was not allowed to visit and was escorted out?

Sounds kinda strange to me - did the OM decide he didn't want to see her any more? Maybe he isn't getting what he wants out of her any more - maybe he's finished using her for what he wanted her for?

Who gave you this information and do you know if it's accurate?

Her emotional reaction sounds like she thought she was going to visit and was cheerful - maybe she thought it was just a hitch - got down the next day when she wasn't allowed to see him, and it turned out to not be a hitch, but something more serious.

Who decides on who gets to visit who in prison? Has she done something that was against the prison rules?

I don't know - I kinda think now is the time to not push her away - if he has "dumped" her, now is when she is going to start some real soul-searching about who really loves her and whether what she has been doing is really worth it . I just hope she hasn't got herself into some kind of trouble.

Maybe if you say something like "Are you allright? You seem kinda quiet?" Lets her know you noticed she is down, and that you care. Gives her a chance to open up. If she says something, ask her if she wants to talk about it - promise her you'll just listen and won't interrupt or give her advice. See what happens. It's probably nothing that's within your power to "fix" anyway - but listening to her is a loving thing to do, which may count a lot with her later, if you are able to do that.

Just MHO.
LIR

Do you know why she was not allowed to visit and was escorted out?

Sounds kinda strange to me - did the OM decide he didn't want to see her any more? Maybe he isn't getting what he wants out of her any more - maybe he's finished using her for what he wanted her for?

Who gave you this information and do you know if it's accurate?

Her emotional reaction sounds like she thought she was going to visit and was cheerful - maybe she thought it was just a hitch - got down the next day when she wasn't allowed to see him, and it turned out to not be a hitch, but something more serious.

Who decides on who gets to visit who in prison? Has she done something that was against the prison rules?

I don't know - I kinda think now is the time to not push her away - if he has "dumped" her, now is when she is going to start some real soul-searching about who really loves her and whether what she has been doing is really worth it . I just hope she hasn't got herself into some kind of trouble.

Maybe if you say something like "Are you allright? You seem kinda quiet?" Lets her know you noticed she is down, and that you care. Gives her a chance to open up. If she says something, ask her if she wants to talk about it - promise her you'll just listen and won't interrupt or give her advice. See what happens. It's probably nothing that's within your power to "fix" anyway - but listening to her is a loving thing to do, which may count a lot with her later, if you are able to do that.

Just MHO.
LIR

Hmmmmm, I know you are not suppossed to stir the pot, but wouldn't it be lovely you could say something like:

"The prison system in Florida is soooo much better than in here"

Then walk away and whistle, see what she does.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I am bad... but I could be worse:

"A little birdie told me someone didn't get to see their fav con. What a misfortune, wonder why?"

Wow...so she really was hell bent on seeing him and really thought you were clueless to the whole thing. Now she's probably worried you know more than you're saying (which you do) and she probably suspects you had something to do with her not being able to see him. Crazy.

Now seriously, I think this is a wonderful opportunity. Why? because if H4 is right and you keep the charade of being oblivious, then she will enventually snap!

If she is wondering if you did anything she is bitting her tongue as well. She cannot say anything to you because that would be the same as saying "Yes I, of my own free will, went to see the conguy, and yes, I went out of my way and was hell bent".

If she does that, there is no way in friggin hell she can take it back. She cannot whistle her way out of it, she cannot pretend she was just "testing" you or something. She will have to admit she lied, deceived and pretended, and you know she won't like that.

There is nothing that hurts a person with too much pride more than thinking they have it all figured out then tripping, and they feel even worse if they believe that they know what made them trip, and once again they are proved wrong.

If she comfronts you saying you did it, then you can say "No I didn't". She can try to prove it, but she won't be able to find anything since you are innocent.

Let her stew. So she didn't get to see OM, well BooHoo, that's what she gets from dating a con.

Keep your plan A full force, don't let it drop, this is on your favour Space, if she still doesn't want to see how wonderful you are due to stupid fog or pride, then she will have to face the fact that you might want a life with someone who won't put you through all this BS.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Spacecase,

I can relate to what you say. Like trying to figure out what this friend meant by saying something like, don’t love someone that cannot love you back – my loose interpretation! I believe I have read that this is a common trait of a “co-dependent” -- I had a friend tell me, not that long ago,
“don’t analyze, utilize” – I think the point is to deal with what we know & try not to put so much meaning into so much of what they say or even do.

Now that dialogue reminded me of what my W’s boss said to me when I sent my W away, on D/Day – She said that I cannot force my W to love me. She then recommended the Dobson book! I now know that after my W was involved with these two guys, she began to complain to her friends at work that she was not happy in our M and was even thinking of D. Also, she divulged her activity to her two divorced, female cousins, who were more like sister’s when she was back in Indiana visiting – this gave them lots of binding kinds of feelings, I am sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I have read that this kind of stuff happens with A’s – the WS feels guilt, but perhaps more importantly or more powerfully, they realize what they are doing is basically immoral and most people would not approve. So, guess what they rationalize how what they are doing is justified in certain ways because of how unhappy they are &/or what a slob their S is – again – we fight a losing battle at times.

Now given a solid Discover and where they realize that their current way will not work & that they have to make a choice, the dynamics can change & SOMETIMES DRAMATICALLY – NO GUARANTEE OF COURSE.
Now maybe I have become sinister because of my experience, but I think that a S can go beyond our imagination sometimes when it comes to their own, selfish motives & thoughts and plans. This I believe may translate to them saying things to people that are not necessarily heart felt, but ways to rationalize & justify – they have a certain image to uphold with others – somehow if we tell other we are not happy in our marriage, somehow an A doesn’t sound all that bad – they can rationalize and many people may actually feel or think, “Well we can understand.” Almost like it is no big deal. Frankly, I don’t think it is a big deal to many other people – it only really hurts if it happens to you!
Anyway, who can say what another person is thinking let alone what motivates their actions – we cannot control them.
This is where, MHO, it is important that you try to detach from her (believe me, lots of people have told me the same thing!) and be determined in your heart of hearts that you will survive this –with or without her! That this is a lot more about her insecurities than yours!!
I think one thing that Dobson attempts to develop (maybe not, I lose track of my references, but I believe this to be the case, regardless of reference) is the idea that there is a sometimes a strong human instinct for us to want something that is not easily obtainable, even forbidden – this can be an appealing thing with an A – The opposite of this is when the S takes us for granted – not really keen on meeting our needs because they figure we will be there, no matter what, so why expend the energy, cause it can take a lot of energy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I heard what you said about Dobson’s religious perspective – I hope you can overlook that – these kinds of things are not specific concerns for any religion or race or ethnic group. The support group I am involved with makes strong references to seeking help from the “Higher Power” of our choice, whomever that might be.

Hope your session with Steve is productive!

Peace,
HH