Remember the chinese finger trap device....the more you struggle the tighter the grip becomes...you have to relax to release it.

Sometimes you have to LET GO in order to hang on.

Yes ... letting go is the essence of faith .....

And ... took me only 4 decades to learn that! But, these last 10 years have been the very best ... irregardless of the A and all that.

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" ..... break out your vintage Janice .... very cool 60's stuff.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS... email read ... will respond later time permitting. Thanks.

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Well it sounds like you got the "okay" to confront with love from Steve.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!!! Get off the boards and go talk to your wife!...and don't forget to keep us informed of how it went.

I think it is safe to say she will deny and get angry...expect it. Good advise from Steve...walk away. She will need time and space to go over in her brain the things you said (you love her...the facts about OM...). The time and space hopefully will be a "wake-up" call.

Good luck SC - we're all on your side and the side of your marriage. We're praying for you!!!

Thanks H4F, Pep, ILuv;

I am ready to let go, I really am. These next few steps are the last attempts at sanity before Plan B, but I am ready to walk out when the right time comes.

I don't want to confront while dad's here, it's uncomfortable since we're always together and I fully expect a scene, so after he's gone.

Believe me, I want to do it ASAP...been biting my tongue for several days!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hear you SC,

That just gives her more of an opportunity to come forward with the truth on her own without confrontation. But it probably won't happen.

Whens your dad leaving?

Space,

I am so pleased for you that SH gave you the and the forum such high fives!!

This thread has been an inspiration for me who's struggle isn't as urgent as your's and 2long's are.

I figure if you guys can keep applying the principles so successfully given your circumstances, why I should be able to as well.

I kind of feel sorry for your WW in the short term for what she's about to face; but I am delighted for her that this "gift" you're giving her in the long term is invaluable.

I'm glad she has the rapport with SH to help support her through what is to come. He is so very good a this.

BTW...2long, I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to invite your WW to the 1st appointment with SH. Especially in view of her feelings in general re: MB Principles. My thought is that it gives her a chance to "squash you like a bug". CSue

CSue:

"BTW...2long, I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to invite your WW to the 1st appointment with SH. Especially in view of her feelings in general re: MB Principles. My thought is that it gives her a chance to "squash you like a bug"."

How would she have a chance to do this? I suppose she might think I'm wasting money on the Cing, but she might ALSO realize that I'm taking saving our M seriously, to have scheduled an appointment right after I left. I guess that's why I'm tempted to tell her about the appointment. I suppose that I could tell her that they will C with her as well when she's ready, but that I was advised to go alone the first time. I'm thinking that the choice to use this kind of Cing as a change in approach (particularly since our MC suspended our visits) might get her thinking a bit. I'd like that.

But as far as her feelings about MB, I really don't know what she feels NOW, because I stopped talking about it when I stopped trying to "educate her" by reading from HNHN. That was probably back in early April at the latest. She HAS asked about the feedback I get from this forum, positively sometimes, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. I sometimes feel like I've missed some great opportunities to get through when asked questions like that in the past.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>CSue:

"BTW...2long, I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to invite your WW to the 1st appointment with SH. Especially in view of her feelings in general re: MB Principles. My thought is that it gives her a chance to "squash you like a bug"."

How would she have a chance to do this? .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has the chance to do this because you are giving her the opportunity. In reading your thread others have said that they have perceived her actions towards you as trying to coerce you into "same behavior", "same response"; to avoid anything new or different.

Since counseling with MB is new and different I would hate for it to become a new battleground at t his point; once again distracting from the real issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>I suppose she might think I'm wasting money on the Cing, but she might ALSO realize that I'm taking saving our M seriously, to have scheduled an appointment right after I left. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds reasonable; is she being reasonable right now?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>I guess that's why I'm tempted to tell her about the appointment. I suppose that I could tell her that they will C with her as well when she's ready, but that I was advised to go alone the first time. I'm thinking that the choice to use this kind of Cing as a change in approach (particularly since our MC suspended our visits) might get her thinking a bit. I'd like that..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would certainly be a good sign.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>But as far as her feelings about MB, I really don't know what she feels NOW, because I stopped talking about it when I stopped trying to "educate her" by reading from HNHN. That was probably back in early April at the latest. She HAS asked about the feedback I get from this forum, positively sometimes, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. I sometimes feel like I've missed some great opportunities to get through when asked questions like that in the past.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sense your frustration. Wish there was magic that could make it all go away for all of us! CSue

I'm just getting ahead of myself here, but I'd been working on a Plan B letter for some time now, and I've added a lot of material others have posted (thanks, and my apologies for the plagiarism), and I know this is a very long letter, which will be chopped down to 1/3 before we're done, but it contains pretty much everything I'd like to say to my W if/when I go to Plan B. So consider it an "early draft/vent" Plan B letter, and humor me as much as your MB sense allows!
Thanks!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Dear W,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with OM possible. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

You have chosen to spend time and give your emotional connection to this specific man and possibly others, to the on-going detriment of our marriage and our relationship. The poor quality of our marriage in the past years isn't only due to our inability to communicate; it is, to a great extent, because your emotions and intimacy were focused elsewhere and so you were incapable of being truly intimate with me during that time. Who knows for how long you had to keep part of your life secret from me. In all our dealings you had to be on your guard, so as not to reveal anything that might show just what you and your "friends" had done to our family.

I know you are still in contact with him, and have been in constant contact. I do not condone it, or like it, but I have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. For over 11 months you elected NOT to make a choice, and sadly, I had to make the choice to remove myself from your triangle. My priority now becomes the children and I. You have made your choices, and only you will be responsible for the results of those choices. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my wife. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.

It means a great deal to me that you care enough to have kept trying. But exactly what do you expect to accomplish? And when? I honestly don't know. It seems you are trying to get me to accept that your relationship with this other man is going to somehow be harmless to our marriage and family from now on, in spite of the history. And that your secret second life does not affect us and is only yours. The harm of your affairs has been done, and can never really be undone. It CAN BE forgiven, but the relationship must end, forever, in order for that to happen. Forgiveness is a gift, and we can choose to forgive each other for our mistakes. Trust must be earned, and you haven't made the effort so far to earn my trust in you. You can't expect me to rebuild my trust in you if you insist on maintaining a "private" and secret life with another man. If you persist in fabricating stories to hide your real activities and intentions.

Marriage is an agreement freely entered into by two people to mutually agreed terms - for us that meant we committed ourselves to love, honor and cherish each other, forsaking all others, and keeping ourselves only unto each other. That's what we said. You have changed the terms of this agreement by establishing private personal relationships with other men which you kept secret from me. So you have changed the terms of the agreement without my knowledge or consent. Therefore, our original agreement is now invalid. And I do not agree to the terms of the new agreement which you now feel you are entitled to have. All along, you have been making your choices. I am entitled to make mine and now I am making it, and I do not choose to live with you anymore under the terms of this new agreement. I have tried for 11 months to do this, but I have found out by trying that I am not the kind of person who can accommodate you in this. I love you so very much. Every breath I take hurts right now. My body and soul ache for you. I can no longer suffer your divided love. It hurts too much.

You know what I think. I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to marriage on any terms other than those, and I am determined not to.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OM and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer willing to keep working on this marriage until there is no contact with the other man. If you are not willing to do that now, then it is time we separate.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car and other expenses of our home; you will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements for the children to see or stay with me whenever they desire, but they must do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I might need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it will have to be through a friend or family member, (I might suggest D or B), unless it is an emergency involving the children, in which case I will take your call.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him, and hearing the sound of your voice when you speak to him; sounds I have not heard in many years. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. I signed up for a partnership with you; not for a triangle. Perhaps someday you will understand that we cannot have the necessary emotional connection to create the intimacy and commitment required to make our marriage work, while you are investing you emotions elsewhere.

You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly, truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and our children, and for many wonderful years it was enough.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. The scars that episode left in us are probably one of the major factors in why we are where we are today. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way, and we must jointly agree to a marriage recovery plan that includes the following: Protection - avoiding being the cause of each other’s unhappiness; Care - meeting each other’s emotional needs; Time - giving each other our undivided attention; and Honesty - being totally open and honest with each other. Steve Harley can help us do this, as well as help us with a plan we can both agree on.

I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support as we work through this together. I have left some books which might be helpful in understanding the realities of what has happened to us, and the types of actions and therapies that have been successful with many other couples. I hope you will read them, learn from them, and look at yourself in them, as I have done.

I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I think that you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I’m sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize that I have to take care of me now. I can control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you; if that is what you choose to do.

Please come back to me emotionally. I love you and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I believe in you. I believe in your beautiful ambitions and goals for your business and your life. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. Our children; look at the people they're becoming, in large part due to the time YOU chose to spend with them. YOU made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. You deserve to be as proud as I am of your accomplishments as a woman, a businessperson and a mother.

Our children need role models. They need to see in us the actions that we have taught them all their lives; they cannot continue to see that we can lie, while we ask them to always tell the truth. They need their parents...both parents. I don't want them to think that this is how marriage is or how all men and women are. I want to be a father they are proud of and want to be married to a woman I am proud of, and they can be proud of. I want to love you all the time, not some of the time. And I want you to feel the same for me. Please help me do this. Don’t allow this family to be torn apart because we lost our way…and especially now that we have begun to see what the right way could be and should be.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs, and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new and different lifestyle in which everything we do can make us both happy. In which negotiation replaces individual actions. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend as well.

I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make OM or any other men and your secret friends aware that I am your husband and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me, and with them.

I love you W, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.
I loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I look at the picture of us on the beach, and I remember the dreams and the hopes, the stars, and the sunsets we watched. I remember our first awkward time together, and I still believe those dreams are possible. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

All my love,

Spacecase
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>Space,

I am so pleased for you that SH gave you the and the forum such high fives!!

This thread has been an inspiration for me who's struggle isn't as urgent as your's and 2long's are.

I figure if you guys can keep applying the principles so successfully given your circumstances, why I should be able to as well.

I kind of feel sorry for your WW in the short term for what she's about to face; but I am delighted for her that this "gift" you're giving her in the long term is invaluable.

I'm glad she has the rapport with SH to help support her through what is to come. He is so very good a this.

CSue </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks so much CSue, it's been so crazy! What with 2Long, my Dad here, Steve, my W...

You know, for me it's always been a positive to see others as they navigate these waters, and it is comforting to see that "hey, maybe I'm not in such bad shape after all!" We tend to become very self-critical and aware of mistakes we can make, and sometimes get paralyzed without the feedback from the forum. But then we begin to see that we CAN do it, and we DID have the right idea, and it's good!

Thanks for being here!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SC,

I don't know why I feel like playing editor tonight, maybe because I at a Holiday Inn for the week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But the bold are my suggestions for what to keep

My Dear W,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with OM possible. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

You have chosen to spend time and give your emotional connection to this specific man and possibly others, to the on-going detriment of our marriage and our relationship. The poor quality of our marriage in the past years isn't only due to our inability to communicate; it is, to a great extent, because your emotions and intimacy were focused elsewhere and so you were incapable of being truly intimate with me during that time. Who knows for how long you had to keep part of your life secret from me. In all our dealings you had to be on your guard, so as not to reveal anything that might show just what you and your "friends" had done to our family.

I know you are still in contact with him, and have been in constant contact. I do not condone it, or like it, but I have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. For over 11 months you elected NOT to make a choice, and sadly, I had to make the choice to remove myself from your triangle. My priority now becomes the children and I. You have made your choices, and only you will be responsible for the results of those choices. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my wife. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.

It means a great deal to me that you care enough to have kept trying. But exactly what do you expect to accomplish? And when? I honestly don't know. It seems you are trying to get me to accept that your relationship with this other man is going to somehow be harmless to our marriage and family from now on, in spite of the history. And that your secret second life does not affect us and is only yours. The harm of your affairs has been done, and can never really be undone. It CAN BE forgiven, but the relationship must end, forever, in order for that to happen. Forgiveness is a gift, and we can choose to forgive each other for our mistakes. Trust must be earned, and you haven't made the effort so far to earn my trust in you. You can't expect me to rebuild my trust in you if you insist on maintaining a "private" and secret life with another man. If you persist in fabricating stories to hide your real activities and intentions.

Marriage is an agreement freely entered into by two people to mutually agreed terms - for us that meant we committed ourselves to love, honor and cherish each other, forsaking all others, and keeping ourselves only unto each other. That's what we said. You have changed the terms of this agreement by establishing private personal relationships with other men which you kept secret from me. So you have changed the terms of the agreement without my knowledge or consent. Therefore, our original agreement is now invalid. And I do not agree to the terms of the new agreement which you now feel you are entitled to have. All along, you have been making your choices. I am entitled to make mine and now I am making it, and I do not choose to live with you anymore under the terms of this new agreement.I have tried for 11 months to do this, but I have found out by trying that I am not the kind of person who can accommodate you in this. I love you so very much. Every breath I take hurts right now. My body and soul ache for you. I can no longer suffer your divided love. It hurts too much.

You know what I think. I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to marriage on any terms other than those, and I am determined not to.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OM and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer willing to keep working on this marriage until there is no contact with the other man. If you are not willing to do that now, then it is time we separate.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car and other expenses of our home; you will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements for the children to see or stay with me whenever they desire, but they must do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I might need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it will have to be through a friend or family member, (I might suggest D or B), unless it is an emergency involving the children, in which case I will take your call.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him, and hearing the sound of your voice when you speak to him; sounds I have not heard in many years. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. I signed up for a partnership with you; not for a triangle. Perhaps someday you will understand that we cannot have the necessary emotional connection to create the intimacy and commitment required to make our marriage work, while you are investing you emotions elsewhere.

You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly, truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and our children, and for many wonderful years it was enough.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. The scars that episode left in us are probably one of the major factors in why we are where we are today. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way, and we must jointly agree to a marriage recovery plan that includes the following: Protection - avoiding being the cause of each other’s unhappiness; Care - meeting each other’s emotional needs; Time - giving each other our undivided attention; and Honesty - being totally open and honest with each other. Steve Harley can help us do this, as well as help us with a plan we can both agree on.

I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support as we work through this together. I have left some books which might be helpful in understanding the realities of what has happened to us, and the types of actions and therapies that have been successful with many other couples. I hope you will read them, learn from them, and look at yourself in them, as I have done.

I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I think that you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I’m sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize that I have to take care of me now. I can control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you; if that is what you choose to do.

Please come back to me emotionally. I love you and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I believe in you. I believe in your beautiful ambitions and goals for your business and your life. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. Our children; look at the people they're becoming, in large part due to the time YOU chose to spend with them. YOU made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. You deserve to be as proud as I am of your accomplishments as a woman, a businessperson and a mother.

Our children need role models. They need to see in us the actions that we have taught them all their lives; they cannot continue to see that we can lie, while we ask them to always tell the truth. They need their parents...both parents. I don't want them to think that this is how marriage is or how all men and women are. I want to be a father they are proud of and want to be married to a woman I am proud of, and they can be proud of. I want to love you all the time, not some of the time. And I want you to feel the same for me. Please help me do this. Don’t allow this family to be torn apart because we lost our way…and especially now that we have begun to see what the right way could be and should be.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs, and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new and different lifestyle in which everything we do can make us both happy. In which negotiation replaces individual actions. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend as well.

I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make OM or any other men and your secret friends aware that I am your husband and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me, and with them.

I love you W, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.
I loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I look at the picture of us on the beach, and I remember the dreams and the hopes, the stars, and the sunsets we watched. I remember our first awkward time together, and I still believe those dreams are possible. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

All my love,

Spacecase

I was going to edit out all of the other stuff but thought it was appropriate to keep it so that you would see where I was going with the editing. SC,I realize this is a rough draft and more of a vent than the final product. The emphasis should be and is: I am sorry for my part. I need to preserve my love for you, OM must be out of picture, and I love you more than you realize.

There should not be an lecturing, educating, or blaming in the letter. She knows what has happened far better than you. So don't leave her any ammunition to quibble about this letter.

Hope this helps.

JL

Thanks JL. A very good edit. As I read through the hilighted parts, it made perfect sense.

Just Learning's Edit:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Dear W,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been working on for weeks now.

I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with OM possible. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

You have chosen to spend time and give your emotional connection to this specific man and possibly others. I know you are still in contact with him, and have been in constant contact. I do not condone it, or like it, but I have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. For over 11 months you elected NOT to make a choice, and sadly, I had to make the choice to remove myself from your triangle. My priority now becomes the children and I. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my wife. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.

It means a great deal to me that you care enough to have kept trying. I have tried for 11 months to do this, but I have found out by trying that I am not the kind of person who can accommodate you in this. I love you so very much. Every breath I take hurts right now. My body and soul ache for you. I can no longer suffer your divided love. It hurts too much.

I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to marriage on any terms other than those, and I am determined not to.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and work hard to create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OM and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer willing to keep working on this marriage until there is no contact with the other man.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car and other expenses of our home; you will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements for the children to see or stay with me whenever they desire, but they must do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I might need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it will have to be through a friend or family member, (I might suggest D or B), unless it is an emergency involving the children, in which case I will take your call.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him, and hearing the sound of your voice when you speak to him; sounds I have not heard in many years. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. The scars that episode left in us are probably one of the major factors in why we are where we are today. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way, and we must jointly agree to a marriage recovery plan that includes the following: Protection - avoiding being the cause of each other’s unhappiness; Care - meeting each other’s emotional needs; Time - giving each other our undivided attention; and Honesty - being totally open and honest with each other. Steve Harley can help us do this, as well as help us with a plan we can both agree on.

I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support as we work through this together.

I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I think that you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I’m sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize that I have to take care of me now. I can control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you; if that is what you choose to do.

I love you and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I believe in you. I believe in your beautiful ambitions and goals for your business and your life. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. Our children; look at the people they're becoming, in large part due to the time YOU chose to spend with them. YOU made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. You deserve to be as proud as I am of your accomplishments as a woman, a businessperson and a mother.

I love you W, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.
I loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I look at the picture of us on the beach, and I remember the dreams and the hopes, the stars, and the sunsets we watched. I remember our first awkward time together, and I still believe those dreams are possible. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

All my love,

Spacecase
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<small>[ July 24, 2002, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Space,

MB at it's best! I think alot of the reason so many of us participate in your thread is because you are so open & willing to put yourself out there for us to help; and we learn so much along the way.

Interesting journey this is. Last February I had a dentist appointment; and since I go twice a year we play "catch-up"; on what's new. I remember saying that life was so very good to/for me right now that I couldn't ask for anything. Almost felt a little guilty that me and all those I love were ok...

I've looked back on that dentist appointment time-frame often because when d-day came on 3/7/02 life as I knew it changed forever.

There's a thread on recovery I believe that asks something to the effect of "Do you think who you are/learned/become has been worth the pain you have felt as a result of finding out about the A?" It's a question I don't feel qualified to answer. All I know is that I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have all my new friends on this forum.

Anxiety attacks are all but gone; and I feel peace at times.

I've learned alot more, alot faster by participating in the discussions; and they compliment what SH teaches us in our counseling sessions.

You have given your W a tremendous gift. I can't think of a greater one. You know we're all pulling for you.

JL gave you a great edit! Good Luck CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>Space,

MB at it's best! I think alot of the reason so many of us participate in your thread is because you are so open & willing to put yourself out there for us to help; and we learn so much along the way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CSue, hearing this at once gives me joy and sadness. That is what I am and who I am; open, vulnerable, transparent. I am not ashamed of my failings or flaws, or of my physical appearance or the passing years, THIS IS ME!

And while being like that seems to be valuable to others here at MB, it has also been used against me so much by my dear W in her "fog", that I'm becoming something I'm not just to protect myself...secretive, crafty, calculating...a terrible state of affairs, a painful encounter with a reality I never wanted to witness.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
There's a thread on recovery I believe that asks something to the effect of "Do you think who you are/learned/become has been worth the pain you have felt as a result of finding out about the A?" It's a question I don't feel qualified to answer. All I know is that I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have all my new friends on this forum.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps there will soon be a time when both of us can post there and give our opinions on the subject. For now, at least to me, it seems like it's far away. But I do know I've changed, irrevocably and forever, in more ways than I care to count. Some for the good, and some not. Like having to be careful of what I say and do, lest it be used against me...very sad to have to learn that!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You have given your W a tremendous gift. I can't think of a greater one. You know we're all pulling for you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sincerely hope, wish, that she may someday appreciate it, and be with me to share it. I fear she may be with another before she does.

Thanks CSue; you are too kind to this fragile, almost beaten, old guy I've become...I sometimes wonder if the scars won't be too much to bear, too much for someone else to appreciate and love what lies beneath them.

I've asked my W for some time to talk tomorrow afternoon, so we will soon see if this long, hard work has made SOME impact, or if we're still up against the same creature that my dear W became in her foggiest moments.

I am ready for this, I just need to get some rest tonight.

I ask for everyone's thoughts for my W tonight, so that when I speak with her tomorrow, perhaps a small ray of light can penetrate that dense and hardened fog, that she may see even a small speck of light, in the distance, that she can hold on to in order to begin the long road back to where she belongs: with me and my children.

You got it Spacecase.....along with prayers for you too!

Spacecase,

I've been following your posts on and off (more on lately). When I think about my situation during the day, I actually think about you and your situation. Knowing I'm not alone and/or crazy gives me strength.

I would come out of the woodwork more often to put in my 2 cents on your siutation but I definately am no expert and have a lot to learn.

Anyway, the real reason for my post is that I saw your request and I do sincerely hope that your wife sees that beam of light and things work out for both of you and your family.

Space,

I'm sending thoughts of "light beams" to Mrs. Space...

Also here's something from Relationship Rescue page 144 that has really touched me. Hope it helps you...

(Referencing - Life Decisions)

I will know that I will act at all times with the deepest dignity within the truest of giving spirits. I will hold myself to a standard in which I will invariably take "The High Road.".

Life decisions are "The Important Things" that define who I am. They occur in my heart and carry a much deeper level of conviction than decisions I revisit on a day to day basis. Personal Relationship Values are the new foundation from which I will think & feel. From this foundation my core of consciousness will become like a beacon in my life guiding me in all that I do. I am on the verge of a brand new life, one that honors the spirit of love that lives inside us all.

End of reference!

Peace be with you Space!! CSue

Thanks to all for your positive thoughts and your prayers. Today will be a difficult day, but perhaps, G-d willing, it will mark the start of a new beginning.

SC:

We can hope!! That's OURS to do!

I send out cubic tons of positive thoughts for you!