JL;
Thank for the youngster part! Around here, I'm afraid I qualify as one of the "older" generation!

I think you are totally correct. Your presence of mind and eloquent posts have had a very positive effect on me; thank you.

I WILL place some strategically located "notes" in her stuff...and will enjoy imgaining her face when she finds them.

With Steve, I'm sure we'll devise just the right plan to take maximum advantage of this information.

Thanks again!

I'm off to take the "panic" out of the title of this post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, since lots of you seem to agree the "secret notes" thing is a good idea...suggestions for some "suggestive" notes?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

SC,

I hope it helps. You are still a youngster! Why when I was your age my W and I just had our third child, one at the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am a sloooooow learner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad you could remove the panic sign. Just keep remembering you have much less to lose than she does, and you will do well no matter what she does. She cannot say the same.

God Bless,

JL

Cadet,

Withered Orchid reporting in sir!!!

Hey buddy, sorry you had a panic attack. Happens to the best of us. Heck, it happens to most of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Look, you are panicking but in reality there is nothing you can do. This is that letting go stuff we talked about the other day. Remember?

Since you can't stop it, hm...... let's see how you can get them to LB from a distance.

JL had it right about slipping the note thingy. You are angry and very hurt right now so the note thingy will be harder to do but try anyways, ok? Now let's see. ....... if you can, wish her well and pray for her to have a rotten trip. Conflicting? To normal people but this is not normal. So wish her a safe and happy trip. WS' don't like the BS to wish them well so please do so. Then pray real hard for it to rain LBs between them.

My suggestion would be to make her wonder if you will be around when she gets back. Something like "I love you but what you are doing is very hard on me, so no guarantees but have a safe trip." No further explanation required. Don't give a further explanation even if asked, just say you are too choked up to say anything.

See when WS went to Yosemite with the OW, just his being there and knowing that he left his son and I at the hospital in the emergency room was a bad memory. Made him cry in the store. Even OW commented on that. The fact that they had room service dinner and it cost $38.00 (kinda cheap dinner if you ask me) with wine (gotta be cheap wine - LOL! ) lost it's effect on me. I kept remembering that he cried because his family was not around. He did remember our happy times there.

Now it is a trigger for me and yet it is a beautful place. YUCK!!! gotta get over that!

Ooops this is suppose to be about you. oK Cadet, can you do some of what I suggested? It will take courage. It is ok to shed a tear or 2. Put on that fake smile and wish the fog literally rolls in. Can you imagine if it snows in Florida? LOL!! Well how about a lot of rain?

H is in Tokyo and there is a typhoon, maybe I can send it that way. ........ bad thought!!!

Cadet, you will be ok. These times hurt and hurt bad. We understand.

Hugz,
L.

ps: sorry for the late reply, been buried in work all day. will check back on you a bit later.

Hey spacey, I'm late to the party as usual - darn work and family obligations!

JL has excellent advice....and I'd like to add to it a bit. I learned from Steve Harley in my sessions that ultimatums are selfish demands.

You can't stop her. You can't insist that she not go. You have already made it clear how you feel about her trip.

I'd tell Steve, and let Steve confront her.

Don't send her off the OM with anger and determination to do what she wants. Let her go with good feelings toward you.

Remember....her relationship with him messes with her ability to be with you - and vice versa. Give him some of what he is doing to you - make sure she has enough good thoughts about you that it screws with her "thing" with him.

THEN, the ball is in your court, instead of hers.

Do you want THIS woman, as she is?

How long do you want to give this? How can Steve help you with a plan for your goals?

I am NOT suggesting that you dump her, but this train of thought puts you back in the drivers seat of your own life again.

My husband makes me nuts still sometimes. But everytime I start feeling sorry for myself, I have to remember that *I* chose to be in this position.

And thats where you will be too. Trust me, its far better to feel that YOU are where you put yourself instead of feeling like she called all the shots.

If Steve doesn't think its time for Plan B, then it isn't. I suspect part of it is that Steve doesn't want you to be seen as punishing your wife for her trip.

Personally, I *HAD* to go nocontact with my husband after he took his bimbo on vacation. The hurt and anger was so devastating that I just could NOT deal with him in a sane fashion. But I didn't have Steve then. Wish I had.

Hang in there, everyone here will help you get through it. Just remember that every sweet nothing that you manage to deposit into her love bank is yet another nugget of chaos and confusion in the OM side of things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Revenge in a healthy way, can be very sweet! (no evil grin face, darnit!)

Thanks orchid and Bramblerose;

Very good advice; advice that I WILL follow.

Just so you know, she came to talk to me about the trip today and I made it very clear (again) that I am all for her "getting away", but that she must remember that this is painful to me, and that I hope she will do everything possible to make it less so. She knows I am NOT happy about her trip, and she knows I "feel" she's going to see the OM.

But I'l still send her off with a best wishes for a safe trip, and I'll send the lovey notes in her stuff, pray for snow in FL, and LB thundershowers in the prison...and all that other stuff! You guys are great!

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

JL:

"In someways this is sort of like martial arts. "

How about a name for this: Marital arts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>JL:

"In someways this is sort of like martial arts. "

How about a name for this: Marital arts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about Samurai Recovery! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey wow! SC.

Gee, I go away for a simple IC session, and all hell not only breaks loose, it freezes over, too!

Glad that so many august MBers (sorry, JL, if I'm implying you're a "summer chicken" or something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) chimed in to save the day!

I took my W and the "coworker that knows about the A" to the airport before my IC session, so I've got "free reign" on the forum tonight. They just might not be able to get me to go to sleep at all tonight, I've got so much on my mind! (some of it great, some not so great).

Anyway, I guess that, after all has been said and about to be done, I'm glad that nearly everybody has recommended you NOT confront now. It is true that we have to let our b**... I mean WSs make their own decisions, good and bad alike, and then make OUR decisions as to how much we'll tolerate and what to do if we can't tolerate any more.

In the end, though, even in the "worst case" scenario, you want the end of you M to be something you can be proud of, because you still take you with you wherever you go (CSue, personal communication).

all my best (and I'm HERE, if you want to wear out that keyboard tonight!),

Glad to have you 2L; wish I could "chat" all night, but the wifey would NOT tolerate that kind of neglect!
I'm supposed to be a good boy, remember!?!?

Now; I need you very best "sweet nothings" and "lovey" stuff for my little notes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wasn't trying to make you feel bad - was trying to be silly... thus the 'fraid not joke... do you know that one?

I'm glad my name wasn't specifically requested... my brain's on vacation today... it's more comfortable in the "anyone" group <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hugsssssss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad you're feeling better!!!

I actually did this one before, so here were some of my ideas:

For every day he was gone, I had an envelope with a special message inside...he was supposed to open one a day. Inside were

Love quotes...found on the net and printed out.

A mooshy love letter (perfumed).

Special drawings from the kids.

Cut out letters all jumbled up...he had to unjumble them to get the message.

A happy day letter...mooshy stuff about how I hope he would have a great day.

An I miss you soooooooooooooooooo much card.

A thinking of you note with his favourite chocolate included.

Hope this helps.

Love and light,

Jacky

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>Glad to have you 2L; wish I could "chat" all night, but the wifey would NOT tolerate that kind of neglect!
I'm supposed to be a good boy, remember!?!?

Now; I need you very best "sweet nothings" and "lovey" stuff for my little notes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now you know Cadet, that it is going to look pretty weird if 2long starts sending you 'sweet nothings' and 'lovey stuff' to put in your notes. Kinda like Cyreno (sp?) ya know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Samurai recovery ....hummmmm....

I remember deliberately torturing WH after I allowed him to move back home .(remember ... I knew nothing about MB in those days)

I refused to let him sleep in our bed, and he was camping on our sofa .... and ... intending to cause him physical and emotional discomfort... I made it my business to walk around sort-a covered up, but, I made sure there was "accidental on purpose" opportunities for him to have just a peek at all my *goodies* that he (for the moment) had no privilege to enjoy ....

I believe this is called teasing .......... Yes .... I did this. Yes ... this worked like a charm!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK .... let the flames begin!!!! Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper:

That's actually pretty funny.

If I were the WS in our M and my W were to do that to ME, I'd be dead by now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Samurai recovery ....hummmmm....

I remember deliberately torturing WH after I allowed him to move back home .(remember ... I knew nothing about MB in those days)

I refused to let him sleep in our bed, and he was camping on our sofa .... and ... intending to cause him physical and emotional discomfort... I made it my business to walk around sort-a covered up, but, I made sure there was "accidental on purpose" opportunities for him to have just a peek at all my *goodies* that he (for the moment) had no privilege to enjoy ....

I believe this is called teasing .......... Yes .... I did this. Yes ... this worked like a charm!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK .... let the flames begin!!!! Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd call that one Sizzlin' Pepperoni!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Howz that for a flame! YIKES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thanks Nina...some good ones!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Now you know Cadet, that it is going to look pretty weird if 2long starts sending you 'sweet nothings' and 'lovey stuff' to put in your notes. Kinda like Cyreno (sp?) ya know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I need all the help I can get! And if 2L wants to play Cyrano...I'll take it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm glad everyone's having fun here...this thread started out pretty bleak! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Samurai recovery ....hummmmm....

I remember deliberately torturing WH after I allowed him to move back home .(remember ... I knew nothing about MB in those days)

I refused to let him sleep in our bed, and he was camping on our sofa .... and ... intending to cause him physical and emotional discomfort... I made it my business to walk around sort-a covered up, but, I made sure there was "accidental on purpose" opportunities for him to have just a peek at all my *goodies* that he (for the moment) had no privilege to enjoy ....

I believe this is called teasing .......... Yes .... I did this. Yes ... this worked like a charm!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK .... let the flames begin!!!! Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Pep! That's AWFUL! But I'm afraid those "tactics" only work for women...the best I can muster is my very slightly bulging belly in my silk Lion King boxers! And believe me, THAT will NOT torture my W!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SC,

I was going to post earlier when you 1st sent out the SOS calls but hungry pains from the teenagers won out. By the time I got back here JL has all ready given you should great advice. I was going to tell you not to say anything.

I will tell you what I did when I was certain that my then WS now STBX was meeting OW in London, we weren't in the states at the time. Now London is my very favorite city in the world. I once meet STBX there on less than 24 hrs notice & 6 mths with child.

So I knew he was meeting her. I wished him safe passage. He 1st went to Egypt. Really played up how I knew how much he hated missing OS football game, he was one of the coaches. Then while he was in London, I kept sending emails about do you remember when we did this or have you been to ..... or I wish I was there I have never been in the fall or is something still the same....

I know he felt guilty... he remember the good times, even while showing her around. I don't think he took her to some of our favorite places. I mean some you have to I mean everybody goes to the Tower & Windsdor.

Did it work, in the short run,

Like JL says do you want her to end it or do you want to...

There will come a time when you know you can't take it anymore. but try & hold out for that MB wkend, you never know.

Good LUck.

Are you ready to dry out yet? I am ready for the sun but not for the great crop of mosquitoes that will be hatching soon, they are all ready bad as it is.