2long,

Don't forget the option of simply not responding at all.

Can I mention Rat Meat (by that name) in my reply?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

didn't think so.

How's this permutation (and I promise not to use "permutation" in the email!):

"Dear W:

I love you so very much. I've been feeling hurt because I love you as much as I do, and right now your love is divided. This situation we find ourselves in has saddened me more than you'll ever imagine. I really just need some time alone to think... about what I need, and about our future."

Am I getting better?

And what did THAT mean Pep? and why are you not watching your sci-fi on you new TV?

This thread is hard to keep up with it moves so fast...

No advice from me here, you've got the best....

I've been out BBQ'ing here while you've been awfully busy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyhow, I like your last response... short, to the point, and very much "I"-based. Plus it leaves her wondering about your state, which I'm a big fan of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Back to the Q...

Susan:

Yeah, I'm having a tough time keeping up myself. And I get to LIVE IT, too!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Why do you want to keep declaring your love? She should sense that from you declaring your PAIN!!! If you did not love her, it would not matter!!!

I vote for just telling her how HURT you are.

Okay, folks. It's getting quieter... I just might fire off that last "permutation!"

Should eye?

By George ... think he's got it !

Cut -print

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Susan:

good point. How about another permutation?

Just the one above, without the first sentence.

And HERE IT IS!

Dear W.

I've been feeling hurt because I love you as much as I do, and right now your love is divided. This situation we find ourselves in has saddened me more than you'll ever imagine. I really just need some time alone to think... think about what I need and about our future.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Okay, I SENT it.

See, we guys can be really slow to compose our feelings. That's why email communication with my W works so much better with me.

I just hope that it helps, rather than hurts.

I still want our life back!

((((hugs))))

I liked the last response.
I hope she doesn't have the idea of asking what the hell you are meaning about her affection being divided after that "clone" commentary.

She has some nerve writting that e-mail, acting as if she had said nothing wrong and you just left out of the blue when all she said was something completely acceptable and nice.

She needs to hit the floor falling from that fence, and hard, her brains are all scrambled.

She may have felt really mad when you didn't come running for her breakfast invitation.

Do not move an inch back 2long, stay strong and don't let her see weakness. She has had more than enough opportunities. Mr Alostwife sends his best wishes and says he believes plan B would do you good.

((((((((more hugs))))))))))

2Long ... I think this one slipped right past you ...

pep: .. "Clever girl" <--- from "Jurassic Park" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

2L; that was an EXCELLENT response. Do NOT let her draw you into a fight or a confrontation.

I bet she was majorly P----D that you did not stop to talk when she waved.

Did she respond?

SC and all:

Yes, she did respond. It was a very nice response, considering. I think you all's (ya'll's, yawls) help in writing that last note from me was a godsend (and I'm an atheist!). So, I want to post her reply before I respond. I want my response to evoke an even more beautiful response from her than the last one you helped me write. ...and THANKS!

W: "I agree you do need time, time to think about what love is, it is not owning, it is not having, it is sharing, it is caring, it is looking past the faults because we all have them, and trying to help make each other be better, each life a little easier, happier, kinder. It is accepting each other for what we are, and the moments shared, they do not fade or end, but do change... of late the moment together are almost all filled with pain and hurt, and fear not loving.

So you ask me to share my though with you andd so I do and all they seem to do is hurt you. Yes, I'm very torn, each of you have wonderful things to give... I hate that I would ever have to choose. Doesn't it mean anything that I keep trying?"

So. What do you all think? I, personally, think that, considering the situation, this was a heartfelt response, telling me her real feelings and conflicts. I want, more than anything else in the world right now, to answer with the best reply I can possibly muster. I think it is entirely possible that what I need, in the form of a "customized plan B" is to separate in the conventional plan B sense, but keep this email communication up.

Remember, my W is dyslexic, and so she talks faster than most people in compensation. She's actually a very good public speaker. I, on the other hand, type faster than I think (you'll all vouch, right?!), and definitely compose my thoughts better on paper (or bits) than when I'm trying to converse verbally.

Help me here. I think I've got the door opened a crack or two.

Why not something like:

"I do appreciate that you are trying. But as long as you are still trying it hurts me, and takes away the love I have for you. Therefore I have to remove myself from the painful experience that you are setting me through. Please understand it is not that I have given up on us. Understand that I will only be willing, or able to come back once you have made up your mind completely."

Alostwife:

I like your suggestion. I'm going to use it as a framework to get a response together. I'll write something up and get it online in the next hour or so. I bet that my W will read her email again in the morning (it's 9:12pm here), possibly before she goes to work, so I'll need to write something tonight.

I'm thinking that if this goes well, maybe what I should ask SH about doing is a "remote plan A" instead of plan B at this point. Since our biggest problem within our M, as far as I've been able to tell, is communication, THIS just might be the ticket to get us talking again.

If my W thinks that I'm fixated on sex, then communicating via email and reestablishing our relationship that way, not face to face or physically "ignoring" our problems, just might be the way to go.

Again, as I've said many times: I love my W very much. I understand that she's confused and conflicted with Rat Meat in the picture. What I need is the best solution to our problems. A solution that ends the A and gets us back together in a mutually loving, nurturing M that will sustain us as intelligent individuals for the rest of our lives.

Make any sense? or is ol' 2long just rambling?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think it makes sense... but I am falling asleep over the keyboard... it is 12 am here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck with the letter. I am sure you will do just great. Just read it aloud, then pretend you can see your WW face while reading it. Maybe that would help.

I am dislexic too, but I have this weird brain that has granted me the benefit of being labeled as crazy-borderline-genious, it makes everybody stay away from my head and give me money for school just because they can. But in a start my tests always came back talking about I had to be treated gently and soothingly because I was too stupid to pick up my classmates pace (when my IQ tests scores were going off the roof, I just wasn
't good enough at math to be "intelligent" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I know what you mean about your WW having problems because of it. I sabotaged myself and then spent time proving myself a lot, but for some reason I only did that on my career and could make my love life compatible with it. Go figure.

Alostwife:

This is amazing. My son is dyslexic, too. What you describe is almost verbatim what my W went through throughout school, even through getting her M.S. degree.

I want, so much right now, to talk to her about all this stuff. All our history, all our experiences good and bad. Rat Meat can't do that, can't "help her grow." I can. I want to more than life itself. Why the hell can't I? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

2long,

While her response had some kind words and heartfelt feelings, it is obvious to me that she still won't let go of Rat Meat. She is a cake woman, and what is worse, I think she is asking you, or expecting you to accept that, all in the name of 'love'.

To me, the underlying message of her note is "If you loved me, you would let me keep Rat Meat".

I think she is very much still in her pea soup fog, and that she does need to be told you will not condone this, in as nice a way as possible...

Maybe just a clear statement repeating the fact that while you love her, you cannot be with her if she continues her relationship with RM. That there IS no compromise on this for you.

She will get angry, she will rave, she will deny and she will lie. But, bottom line is that I think she has been getting away with this for so long, she expects you to cave.

For the first time, I think she will be getting the message that you will NOT share her, and it is something that needs to be made absolutely CLEAR to her.

I would also suggest, that until you do talk to SH that you request no communication from her unless it is to tell you that she has ditched the dirt bag.

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 11:56 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Nina Too:

Thank you for your reply. I was writing a response, or trying to, and I tried to put it all into perspective to see what was going on in her head, and I started crying and can't seem to stop;.

God, I wish I wasn't going through this stuff.

Thanks again. I'll try to keep my reply short and upbeat (but firm).