cs-
My H never acknowledged our 12th anniversary 7/28-I didn't call because I'm trying to plan B as best I can.
I'm having a tough night too. Went to our S's soccer camp tonight. WH shows up 2 hours late and then proceeds to avoid being within 100 feet of me. How did we get here? I can't believe this will ever come to a good end.
I probably should've started a new thread, but I guess it's "we're in the same boat" kind of thing.
I wish I could offer more help to you.

PB-I'm sorry about your anni. It's hard. WH called and left message that he was saying good night to kids and that he hoped that I had a half-way decent day. Thanks, huh? He didn't call from his house but his cell phone. Don't you think he could have at least stayed home tonight?
-CS

CS-
Well at least you got something. I think it is a positive sign that he contacted you tonight. Ithinkhe was indirectly referring to your anniv. Not that he chose the best way to do that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I really see some glimmers of hope for you- Your WH seems to be making a bit of an effort. Keep doing what you are doing. Hang in there!
Also-I've been reading "Power of a Praying Wife"-its helped me and I'll certainly keep you and your little guys in my prayers.
I ordered the book "The Language of Letting Go" that others have been discussing elsewhere on this website.I'll let you know what I think.
Take care.PB

Hi!

I am going to jump in here if it's okay. I just wanted you to know that I feel so bad for what you are going through on your anniversary. Mine is coming up on Aug.17 . My H is still living with me, but I also do not know how to address that day. Do we go out and celebrate our failed seven yrs. of M?? Or celebrate that my H is in love with his secretary?? I am confused on this matter.

I did want to tell you that maybe your H used whatever excuse he could think of to call you. Yes, he wasn't at home. But, he was thinking of YOU! I am trying to be a positive thinker lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you know how much we all care on this board! Keep posting and stay strong!

PB511and PQ: Thank for covering me. I feel no glimmers of hope but thank you for saying so. I appreciate your prayers. Yes, I think my WH was referring to our anni. But he called because we had just had a discussion the other day about him calling the kids-I asked him either to call every night when he wasn't with kids or not to call but to be consistnt. I guess he chose to call. I strongly suspect that he is with OW tonight and that hurts. I went to my bookclub meeting tonight and listened to people talking about their honeymoon, etc. and it was hard. It's strange to be single after so long.
PQ: I don't know much about your situation but if possible, find something happy to do on your anniversary. Your H is still there-I think that's good. Secretary? My WH's A is with his sales agent. Lovely, isnt' it? PB511-how about yours?
Take care-
-CS

Dear CS-
I agree - it is so hard to be single after all of this time. Especially since none of us thought we'd be here!
My WH is having his A (that he <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> STILL denies) with a 28 yo administrative aid- he's a professional in a consulting firm.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time...

Man... what's with all the August anniversaries? Ours is in a couple of weeks (13th yr. on 8/19). Last year was TOUGH!

He was home grudgingly because I had begged him to come home... I knew he was still in contact w/ OW AND Young'Un... yet... he agreed to go out to dinner to the place where we had 'celebrated' MANY of anniversaries... well... at least the last few <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I gave him a card and he said something to the effect that it wasn't right, because he didn't get me anything... I brushed it aside and let NOTHING ruin the night.

I don't think there is anything 'wrong' in recognizing YOUR day and letting your WS know that you love them... you're not trying to hang on to them... just do it in LOVE and don't expect anything in return. NO recriminations... NO whininess... You must be as calm and as matter of fact when you talk to WS as possible.

The Language of Letting Go is excellent... it is among the DOZENS that I bought last year and still read. Also glad that you are reading Power of a Praying Wife... I recommend that you do two prayers... the one for YOU and one for HIM...

As I read your posts, CS, I see you talking more about YOU and what you are doing... still some lamentations over WS and OW... the sooner you can NOT talk about OW the better for YOU... Again, I know it is hard... be thankful you have not met her, I knew OW so I could "PICTURE" everything... it has made my letting go of her much more difficult.

Lastly, you sound like you are getting to the place to really dig deep and discover your part in the whole marriage thing. AND I DO NOT MEAN, IN ANY WAY, THE AFFAIR.

Schnarch, in The Passionate Marriage, says that you marry who you marry for a reason... usually repeating some childhood/parental relationship...

I've heard you talk about the LBs you do now... but what kind of LBs did you practice in the marriage? WHY? How are you working to eliminate them? Often, this also means working on your stuff, and is why I am in IC... figuring out my anger, my need to control things and how I 'married' my mother. (long story).

Good luck and hugs,
Cali

Hello ladies -- I just wanted send my cyber prayers to you can't sleep. It must be tough to spend your anniversary without any real acknowledgement from your WH. I agree with the others that his call is a positive sign.

While things are far from perfect (he still works with 28 year old OW assistant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) and he still hasn't recommited to marriage -- I can tell you that at three months I was really ready to throw in the towel because I felt like the only contact we had was when my WH would come over to shopvac the garage and basement, or do yard work, or something else (all things that made me think he's doing this to get the house ready to sell). I now --- after five months of plan A (the first month after d-day was certainly not a plan A, more like a plan disaster) -- spend time with my WH in a somewhat normal way. We do recreational activities that we haven't done together since the A started. We have fairly normal conversations and can laugh (as long as I don't bring up A or OW).

Don't mean to intrude with my situation -- I just wanted you to see that it takes a while to get some sense of normalcy.

I'm praying for you.

I tried to go to bed, take a shower, etc. but I'm wide awake.
Cali-Good to hear from you. You are right, for the most part, except for today, I am doing better. I can't believe that I'm spending my anni. planning my future w/o WH. I have met OW twice, she's met my kids, etc. She was all over my WH at the Christmas party and I mentioned it to him and others. He said I was imagining things...guess not. So, unfortunately, I can picture them.
I am trying to focus on myself. I just can't get a completely clear head. My emotions vs. my legal needs are in contrast. I was going to move to my parents until I found somewhere to live (against atty's wishes) and WH indicated I wouldn't have expenses,etc (which means no help), which is what my atty predicted. So, now I guess I'll stay in the house until papers are signed. Problem with that is: Once we start really talking money, WH and I are going to be very adversial as we are at odds with some issues. He says we don't need to do the money stuff until we divorce in March (one yr. separation requirement). Legally we don't but can file this piece of it earlier. We have already done custody stuff. While I'd prefer to wait that so WH and I don't have more reason to fight and I'll have more money until then, I'm stuck in this house and pretty tied to him. He watches the kids here on school nights (no overnights on school nights) when I'm gone, etc. Plus, he could change his mind and I'd be SOL. I feel stuck and confused. Thoughts?
I have never asked my WH to come home since he left-only to work on the marriage. I feel defeated tonight-tomorrow is another day.
Unsureheart: Thanks for your reply. What is it with younger OW's? WH's OW is 8 yrs younger. I'm glad there's some normalcy with you and H. It's good to hear positive things. I appreciate all the prayers. I really do.
-CS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I didn't bring up OW except when he started quizing me about my personal life, indicating that I had a boyfriend. I told him that it was none of his business as he didn't share his with me. He also noticed that I'd whitened my teeth (my very own MLC response ) and asked if I was still going to the gym. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to focus on the positive for you. LHS is right, you do sound much more stronger than before, I am assuming that is affecting how your WH sees you. He's quizzing you about your personal life, asking if you're going to the gym, etc. He's obviously noticing some changes in you. Now, its your job to keep that up, focus on you, keep making yourself stronger!!

GC-
Thanks for pointing out the positive. The things he noticed sound silly. I realize that attractiveness is important to him and I definitely let myself go the last few years-and according to all the books-it doesn't make WH a bad person to want that. But doesn't it seem shallow? Focus on me..I'm trying. It's a big shift for me, even before the A.
I'm feeling a bit better than before-Thanks for all the replies. I'll try sleep again.
-CS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize that attractiveness is important to him and I definitely let myself go the last few years-and according to all the books-it doesn't make WH a bad person to want that. But doesn't it seem shallow? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As shallow as we may think it is, it seems to be one of his top Emotional Needs, so like Harley says, you gotta fulfill it!!

If you're still Plan A'ing, part of that is to meet ALL of the top Emotional Needs of your WH. Including the Physical Attractivenss one. Do you know what his top needs are??

I know I am not invited here but I just couldn't help myself. Shallow, now that is what I was called, many, many times. I ask, what is shallow about wanting to be proud to be seen with your S. If your S looks like a troll and belongs under a bridge( in your eyes, remember that)you will be less happy to be with and be seen with them. This to me is the one of the problems. Well in my case it was, we stopped going out and having fun. I always thought my S was very attractive(beauty is in the eye of the beholder) and whether or not anyone else thought so was beside the point. However when S's appearance started to slide, again that is my perception, and as we are married, I would assume it counts as quite important. I no longer felt proud.( remember that these are my feelings, no less important than S's). So here we talk of "shallow" and just because that is your thought does not make it so, neither does my view make me right.
Sorry venting over, I will crawl back into my hole.

When I was in the latter stages of my marriage I was so unhappy that I let myself go and really didn't care how I looked cause it didn't matter.But things are changed now,over the pass couple of years I have cleanup my act and I try to look my best for the GF when we go out.I want her to be proud to be seen with me.As for her she always is looking her best.Oh yeah when I go shopping for clothes I take her with me cause I like her tastes and she has a better idea what looks good on me.A female prospective never hurts

231

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 04:36 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

initdeep, no one said you weren't invited!!! Get out of that hole!!

Hmnn...I understand the need for an attractive spouse. I don't think it's bad; however, it is alittle disconcerting to wonder where the line is between attractive and unattractive and aging,etc.
I talked to WH this morning. I asked why he didn't call yesterday except for at night on message. He said he was thinking about me yesterday but didn't know what to say. He was going to talk about it last night. I don't know whether to believe him or not-no big deal. I told him I thought about him yesterday, that I would always love him, that I missed him but that I am really doing OK. I also told him that two different people in two weeks had told me that I was beautiful and I do feel attractive again and I'm tired of feeling "not good enough" to him. I'm over it. He told me I was attractive. Go figure - maybe just not to him?
The conversation ended amicably-we've been doing well on no arguments and calm endings. A first for me. Twice in the past week he has slipped during conversations and used "sweetie" when talking-a first for 5 months. Maybe he is used to calling her that but I'd like to think he is slipping into thinking about me as a wife again instead of just a mother to his kids. Who the heck knows...
Take care,
-CS

WH and I just exchanged kids. Everything was friendly-we chatted for a few minutes. He even goofed around and made a joke. I wish I knew if he was at all interested in us or he can be at ease because he is just so darn relieved that I don't mention our r or m and that "I'm moving On" so we can civil to each other. How do you know? He easily talks about selling the house and me moving in a few weeks to my parents so I don't get the feeling he is thinking, "hey, wait, I'm not sure about selling our house and having no access to each other." He talks about having the kids more at his house after I move. I'm not sure why. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I have no idea of status of his A. He wouldn't talk about it before and he doesn't now. Any indicators I'm missing?
-CS

Bumping for comments...thanks.