Mortar,

I think JL has put it into the words better than I ever could.

Please, back down a little here! You have to focus more on you at the moment. The gym is great - a place to relieve stress. The car??? Let that go for now!!!!

The last thing that you want to do is take on more liabilities at that stage of the game!

MITT

JL,

Of course, as usual, you come in talking to me like I am use to hearing. As a soldier, I love it out front, bare and honest. No BS...just the point!

On the OM...I am just blowing off steam here. of course, I could "square this guy away." But the reason I write this is to just get the frustration off my shoulders, as well as ask a few questions that may not even have answers.

The car issue is that mine is falling apart (I bought her the nice Expeditiob while I am driving the $2000 rust bucket). I have to get a new car soon. I just checked out the comvertible...gave myself a couple of hours to just put a smile on my face and dream a little again. Not going to hang myself with a $500 car payment right now. Too much going on. But it was nice to just have a little fun.

I am still concentrating on the mission at hand. I am just wondering why it is that in the sector next to me (the OM), he runs around with impunity destroying everything. Oh how I would love to do a time-on-target artillery mission. But that would take me away from my mission at hand, and may even jeopardize my mission. Exactly what you were trying to tell me.

For now, I just needed to blow a little. you know the deal. A soldier that isnt whining and complaining isnt a soldier. But when the rubber meets the road, I am putting one foot in front of the other. Just would like a few questions answered. maybe just one for once.

For now, I just watch my sector, and improve my primary and alternate positions (I just love using this military crap!). but some top brass (God) needs to get down here and explain to me why the hell we are here and what the endstate is because I am fast losing sight of it.

Thanks again for the boot in the rear. We all need it from time to time. I just hope that the OM finds a boot in the mouth soon. Of course, it wont be mine. I have too many people counting on me.

In His arms.

Hi Motar,
I ditto Justlearning.

Rememeber, at this time, WW is not going to listen, Sometimes the unspoken is heard the loudest. Concentrate on you, and kids. I know it is hard. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Hi,
How's it going?

Mortarman,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For now, I just watch my sector, and improve my primary and alternate positions (I just love using this military crap!). but some top brass (God) needs to get down here and explain to me why the hell we are here and what the endstate is because I am fast losing sight of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mortarman, you know the guys in the Headshed NEVER tell the grunts in the field what is going on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So why should this be any different. You have your orders, that is all you need to know for now. Do you best and hang on, futher orders will follow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are doing well MM. This is really tough stuff and it isn't going to get easier for a long time.

Yeah, blow some steam about OM. THat is good, but "squaring him away" wouldn't be much of a challenge, and nor nearly as rewarding as you think. Oh! but the thought of it does sound sooooooo good, doesn't it??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know the real problem is finding a target to lock on right now. WW is moving around saying this and that, your emotions are bouncing all over the place, and it is sooo hard to figure out what to do. THe answer (the message of this site) is do nothing, but focus on you and do a little damage as possible. Only time will end the affair, and only time will heal the wounds. So focus on yourself, and let time and the guys in the Headshed take care of tactics.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You know Mortarman in your line of work communications is important and it needs to be direct and clear. I suspect the problem you are having right now is that this situation isn't easily addressed and your W is not communicating in a clear, direct fashion. It is one of the biggest issues that BS's have with an affair: the lies, the changing of tunes, and the general confusion. It is very common and on that point you are in the same mess as many here. It will require alot of patience and there are no tactical fixes.

Well, things have worsened considerably. But, in a strange way, what has happened over the last 5 days may have been needed for both of us because things are changing rapidly, it seems.

First, an update. I have been trying to Plan B since Tuesday of last week. My WW has made that difficult because of her continued contact with me, usually under the auspices of the kids. Now that they are back together, my anger has risen considerbly and I have wanted to just stay in plan B, with no contact.

Well, saturday night seems to have been a watershed moment. My WW came over to pick up the kids to have for the night. She made some offhand comment about when she got her school money (grants), she was going to hire an attorney and start pushing things through. I asked her to come upstairs to talk because she wasnt going to just make a comment like that and walk out. After a heated discussion, in which I continued to say that she gets no help, no support, no contact and I am pushing for the divorce, with full custody, unless the affair ends, OM is gone forever and she comes back home. She said she doesnt know what she is doing, but that "I am not going to do it on your terms." We ended the conversation there, went downstairs and started gathering up the kids. I tried to whisper something in her ear, when she started screaming at me that she was done talking, to get out of her face, etc. right in front of the kids. I had enough of that and didnt want the kids to hear or see anymore. So, I stood between her and the rest of the house and told her to get out, take the kids for the night, and that when she dropped them off, she could do so at my mom's because I did not want to see her. She began to try to push by me, but I stood in her way. she began pushing on me, with me just pushing back enough to get her off me. I am still telling her to get out. She gets near the front door, and I am standing in her way to get back into the house. she says she forgot her keys and I told her one of the kids would get them. She tried to push past me again, but this time I had kids's stuff in my hands and I began to fall backwards, with my 4 year old right behind me. Not wanting to land on him, I pushed back against her, with her tripping, falling down and skinning her knee.

Well guys and gals...I know that you know what happened next. next thing i know, I got handcuffs on, headed to the jailhouse, being finger printed and charged with assualt and battery. Nice. Our relationship has never been abusive. but on at least 5 occasions since I came home from Bosnia, she has hit me or attacked me. In this case, she is pushing on me, trying to get back into the house, almost forcing me to land on my son, and I go to jail! I went to a hearing yesterday and my court date has been set for late Oct. Also, they have extended the protective order so i can have no contact with my WW until then. Perfect! Somehow, she has been the physically abusive one, but now I am facing charges. And when that is done, I will lose my career with the military, with one year to go until retirement.

Monday night I had baseball practice (the team I coach that has my oldest son on it). my WW came out and wanted to talk. i told her I couldnt, but a mutual friend of ours acted as mediator and passed the information she had to me. Basically, here are the questions and comments she had:

"Why cant you just give me time?"
"You have no respect for my feelings."
"Dont you know that I do love you...but just when I think I am getting closer, you do something stupid and I just go back to him (OM)?"

Stuff like that. She went on to talk about the past...about how she wants her life back, her family back. She said that a week after moving into her apartment (Aug 1st), she was already missing me, the family, etc (even though this was when she was getting things started back up with OM). she said over and over that she wants her life back, but that somehow, she cannot trust me. To do what? not really sure here guys. The friend that was the intermediary said that her indication that all is not well with the OM...that it appears that even though they have "seen" each other since moving out, and she did have him with her when she got the boob job, that there may be nothing more than "friends" right now. it seems that he may be just about the point of not wanting to put up with her s*** anymore. Dunno. could be true. Not going to worry about that.

Anyway, back to the update. Since court yesterday, my WW has tried to call me at least 4 times. She even asked Monday if she could go to court with me, to be there for me. She said she wants to have them drop everything. she went over to this friend's house and had another long talk (the friend called me later and updated me). Basically, our friend said that she finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel. That my WW may be right at the point where she wants out of all of this mess, that she wants to come home but just doesnt know how. Her car is set to be repoed any day now (she cleaned her stuff out of it last night) so now she will have no transportation to work or school...that is unless the OM helps her. That will be a big LB for him because he is a tightwad and is going to be angry with having to part with his money to support her. That may be half the problem right now. Reality is setting in for both of them, that they now have to do all of the mundane things married people do together, and it looks like they dont really want to do that with each other. Interesting!!

I said something positive came out of last Saturday and let me explain. My WW admitted to our friend that she felt like something clicked inside her and reality has started setting back in. She said the moment that happened was when she heard the click of the handcuffs on my wrists. Same thing happened to me. I realized that this all wasn't worth it. That we were headed toward a disaster they way we were going. Okay, I could never hurt my wife. But, my anger was building, and I now believe it was only a matter of time before me and the OM were face-to-face. And then, I would be in jail for something far worse. And then where would my kids be?

For the first time since this all started a year ago, I have peace. Oh, I am worried about this charge and my career. I am worried about my WW, my marriage, my family. I am still upset. But I also know that I am not going to participate in this anymore. There is too much at stake. Our friend told my WW that if our marriage was going to be saved, it would be done entirely by her now. And she would have to do it alone, at least until the end of October (an interesting thing my WW said…she commented that this protective order ends right when her lease comes up…right when she might be able to move home…hhhmmmm). I can do nothing more for our marriage now. This is pure Plan B, being imposed by the court system. It may have been what we needed because again, we have never not had contact for more than 4 days in the last ten years. How we get thru 2 months, I do not know. But I have no choice.

Her world is crashing down around her. Finances are in ruins for her. She just started school again, working her butt off at her job. She misses the kids tremendously (I told her last night that I had put a picture of her on the wall next to each of the kid's pillows so they could see her at night before they fell asleep…she started crying and said that that was the saddest thing she had ever heard!). The deal with the OM seems ready to explode because she is realizing that he is NOT me. And he is realizing that he is about done with her mess (he even nicknamed my WW "Mess II," with my WW's other friend who has been involved in an affair lately being named "Mess I").

What a mess! I cant believe last Saturday happened. Maybe it was the only way for God to get through to both of us. Dunno. I am ashamed that we have ever gotten to this point. And now, I get to plan B and not have to worry about LBing, or making contact because I have a judge saying I cant.

Now we will see the Harley's method put to the test. I have no power now. All I do now is just sit and wait.

In his arms.

Mortarman,

Two things:

1. Get a very good attorney.

2. If your children or one of them is old enough perhaps they can relate really what happened.

3. (Yeah I said two <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Don't talk with her, stay away from her. Have your mother act as the intermediary to exchanging the children.

4. Buddy, I am glad you now realize that you cannot trust your W. She may have terminated your career, although there are extenuating circumstances so I don't think that will happen. She is like to do so again if she doesn't get what she wants. She wants her freedom, give it to her, you risk far too much being anywhere near her now and perhaps in the future.

For your sake, your children's sake STAY AWAY from your W and don't communicate with her. Get that attorney going NOW.

God Bless,

JL

JL: Attorney already on the case. WW said yesterday she wants to talk to my attorney, to help find away to make all of this go away.

On staying away...well, I really have no choice. The court is allowing us to have contact in relation to the kids. But, I am trying to make sure that only happens in public. Still, she phonecalls me 3-4 times a day.

I am being VERY careful now. Believe me. I had my attorney put the divorce paperwork/custody papaerwork on hold temporarily (it was supposed to go in at 2pm yesterday). I want to see what is going on now and think on this. With all of this craziness, the last thing I want to do is to do something stupid. Time to take a breath, sit down, and rethink my operations order. This one is not working.

Point well taken JL. I see the line and you had better believe I will be toeing it.

In His arms.

Mortar,

I'm SO SORRY TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!

I feared this when we did not hear from you. I know this is a lot to "grip" but it is absolutely amazing how your story echoes ours as I also had the handcuffs on me and charged with battery. A terrible, terrible trip into reality I was hoping would not happen to you.

But Mortar, all is not lost!!! Even though so much is stacked up against you right now, there is still a recovery that can be made with your WW. DO NOT LOSE HOPE!

By what she is relaying through your friend does sound promising as she probably has a tremendous amount of guilt on her right now. Right now there is no choice other than to stay away!!!

Mortar, I also e-mailed you when I did not hear from you. There is a lot of legal detail with regard to that OOP / TRO that you MUST BE AWARE OF as you could wind up in jail until court if you violate it!!!! Rather than go into detail here on the forum, please e-mail me so I can explain some major "do's and dont's."

I have counseled with dozens on OOP's and TRO's through my Anger Management group and I do NOT want anything else unwanted to happen with you. Please start by e-mailing me (if you prefer, I can be detailed here, just let me know)...

Hold your head on straight!

Hope to hear from you...

MITT

Hi Motarman,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

Maybe this was the reality she needed to wake up.

The separation will do you both good at this point. Give you both time to think with clear heads.

I hope the court sees it for what actually happened, and you career is not ruined.

Good luck to you.

Mortar,

How are things going today???

MITT

Thanks for the responses guys. Things today are okay, I guess. the realization of things is starting to set in.

My WW contacts me constantly, usually under the pretense of checking on the kids or talking about when she will pick them up, etc. Invariably, it leads to her wanting to talk about us. I tell her I can't, but she continues to ask questions, make comments. I am pretty tight lipped during this, trying to steer the conversation back to the kids.

She has been talking to our mutual friend and has been making several comments over the last few days. She seems to think that this no contact is a good thing and "just what we need." But then she calls me 2,3,4 times a day. When she came by to see our friend, I was just leaving with the kids (she also babysits sometimes for us). My WW came up to check on my oldest (he had been sick the last few days). While she sat in the car next to him, she reaches over and holds my hand, starts tearing up, and gives me a look like she wants to talk. later our friend said she did indeed want to talk, and to hug me, but again, I am going to be a good boy no matter what. she wants to talk, then she has to make this go away.

She has made comments about the OM. while they have been "seeing" each other, it is possible, due to comments made by her, that it has not been physical. But she has said that most of the time now, she cant stand to be near him...that he is starting to grate on her. Truth? Who knows. Might just be her blowing smoke. She did say to our friend that she looked in the mirror Sunday, a day after the big event, and said she did not like what she saw. Realization I think is starting to set in. For me also.

I think the craziness is over. Our friend is beside herself because she gets to hear and see both of us and is completely frustrated with both of us because she says "there is no reason for all of this...you two should have fixed this long ago...stop this!" of course, I cannot. I cannot contact her. added to the fact, it is her that has moved out, is seeing the OM, and is saying she is still unsure of what she wants. So, I dont know how I "stop this." That is except LBing, and thanks to the Commonwealth of Virginia, that is not possible now, atleast until November.

Having the power taken away from me has actually freed me to get busy on the rest of my life. My work has suffered over the last 4 months. but this week, I have almost returned to normal at work and am catching up on things. Same thing at home.

My WW and I have never gone more than 4 days without talking or seeing each other. That is in almost 10 years. She told our friend that she doesnt know how to not talk to me, to not be around me. Same goes here for me. But how the hell then is the OM involved, is she still out of our home, still involved with him, still saying she doesnt know? It is as if my extremely intelligent wife has had a lobotomy. If she misses me that much, if she misses her life and her kids that much (she has said as much to our friend over the last few days), then wouldnt that be a clue to her on what she wants and what she wants to do? I understand what the Harley's say about affairs and addiction, but she has gone plain stupid!

Anyway, I dont know how we go from here. i have a court date coming up and that is all I can see. I had bought Creed tickets months ago for the two of us to go to this Friday. third row seats (her favorite band). Of course, we cant go together now. So, I told her that I want her and my oldest son to go together. you see, the oldest is not my biological son, although he does not know that. I met my WW right after (4 months) she gave birth to him. I adopted him after we married and the birth certificate shows me as the father. he even looks like the other two. But, my reason for sending him with her, along with a picture of the three of us together a few weeks after we married, is for me to show her that from the beginning, when it was just the three of us, we were happy. We had direction. I want her and my son to go, have a date, enjoy themselves. We have never been alone. It has always been atleast three. I want her to understand that we can have it all back, that what she is losing is too high a price to pay to get whatever she is getting right now (which is increasingly looking like not much to her).

I am disappointed I am not going. I paid $150 each for those tickets. But I want her to understand my commitment to her, to this family, and to that boy she handed to me 10 years ago. She knows that if I have a favorite (and I dont), it would be my oldest. I might even love him more than my two biological kids. She knows this. I want my son to take his mom on a date, by the food, drink, t-shirts, etc. Have a good time. let her know that she is missing out on EVERYTHING.

Anyway, that's what is going on. I think she wants to talk after the concert on friday. Again, I have to push her away because I can ill afford doing the wrong thing. I know she is hurting. Plan B seems to be having its desired affect because she is having HUGE withdrawal symptoms from being away from me and not being able to talk to me. at the same time, the OM appears to have had enough of her crap and life and is starting to LB big time. She sort of admitted to our friend that he is showing that he in no way is going to be able to fill my shoes.

Prayers guys and gals. that's all I ask now. that's all I got left.

In His arms.

Big time prayers to you.

It sounds like she is starting to realize what she has walked away from. I know, it is tough, you cannot talk to her, and she cannot talk to you.

At least you are able to start concentrating on you job again. Does your attorney have an idea on what he thinks the outcome will be when you have your court date.

I have to go. I will say more later

Hi,

Now, to make sure I understand correctly, you and your W are not to have contact with each other except with regard to children - correct?

So, now she calls 2-4 times per day under the pretense of the kids - Correct?

When she does call, she tries to steer the conversation to the R or M - correct?

I don't think she is doing this to set you up. I'm guessing that the OM LB'ing, her realzing just how good she really had it at home, missing the kids, not being their mother, and seeing you being handcuffed, was a sort of wake up call. Now, she does not know what to do. She is not supposed to talk to you except about kids. She want to talk to you, but how? You want OM out of picture, (only natural, we all want OP out of picure). Because of Court order, you cannot LB W any longer.

A suggestion I have is, that you tell her that at this time, you are trying to stay within the court order. You are using this time to reflect on things within yourself, you M, your relationship. When she is ready and when the order has been lifted, you will be happy to talk with her, to try to resolve the conflicts within the R. Maybe by this time, you will not be frustrated with the situation and won't LB. I don't want to see you get into any conversation with W too early, and you get frustrated and LB.

Are you still having appts. with SH? Has she started having appts. with SH or JH? What does he say about this whole situation?

I hope she is seeing the light of day. For you and your children that would be wonderful.

maybe someone with more experience or who has been through a similar situation has better suggstions.
Take care
When is your court date?

Hi there,

Havent posted a while on your thread - I followed it regularly and I have to say, I'm quite moved by it. Really.
Anyway - I think the next very practical steps for you to take are:
1. minimize now contact, both direct and via interlocutor: firstly, to comply with the law, secondly, because it destroys you, grinds you down and keeps you stuck wheels turning at the same place (given your and your WW current state)
2. forget about OM - he's a jerk. thinking/worrying/getting angry about him doesnt help you in your current situation
3. for the longer term - get a grip on your physical expression of things. it lands you in trouble and doesnt help, or does it.
4. finally, most importantly, do things now which you thoroughly enjoy, which your kids enjoy!

Then, in November, take stock.

Good luck

Hi Motar,
How are doing?

Hi Mortar,

I hope this silence is not a bad thing. How is it going?

oh my goodness...I go away for a couple of weeks and the Jerry Springer show exploded in your life. This may have been the pivitol point for both of you. Once again it is you who suffers because she is acting like an idiot, however this will produce results one way or the other.

Above all else...have you lawyer make this go away. Whatever coddling must be done by the lawyer in terms of keeping your wife on your side must be done. The consquences are too dire. I hope the lawyer explains to your wife that if your career is ruined whether you are married or divorced it will affect her financial status...since this is her major need she ought to understand.

You however are doing everything right. Until charges have been dropped you must maintain calmness. Emotions obviously are at high levels. This is where your military background will benefit you in this relationship. You must maintain order to achieve the objective. The objective at this point is surviving these bogus charges. As any clear minded, intelligent person knows...the Justice System-unlike justice itself-is neither blind nor fair. You and your lawyer must overcome the bias men face in domestic cases. It can be done and I am sure it will happen in this case but your discipline is a crucial factor.

She is as unpredictable as ever right now. DO NOT TRUST HER ABOUT ANYTHING. I am sure she may not even be able to recognize the truth at this point. She may have a revelation that she wants the fog to end and restore your marriage but until this legal matter is settled follow the court order to the letter...because if she gets a bee in her bonnet about anything she is dangerous.

You said she has gone stupid. I agree. Or maybe she has learned from you to take you for granted. It seems to me she revels in her role of victim. And she enjoys being rescued by you, but on her own terms. You are the ultimate knight in shinig armor to her.

Let me explain. You in a nutshell: Meet a woman with an infant. Accept them both. Make her your wife. Raise her son as your own, adopt him, never stigmatize him as different from your own biological children. (in a day and age when some fathers have to be hunted like criminals just to support a child with which they have a biological link a rare attribute indeed) Provide for her. Give her the things she wants, bigger car, bigger house. Empathize with her pain and confusion. Make common sense standards of living before resuming marital relations with her...financial, emotinal, physical or otherwise. Be pushed to the limits of rational control and still do her no harm. (Please dont misunderstand. I am not condoning domestic violence but I do understand when you talked about being at the edge emotionally there is only so much people can take before something happens. And personally I dont think what happened was domestic violence in the classic sense. She antagonized a volitale situation to extreme levels and as a result accidental physical injury was sustained by her. Although she did intentionally make physical threatening contact with you.) I think it was the best thing for her to see what she has almost done to you. Even though your intent was not to hurt her-that night she saw you at the end of your rope. For her the tables have turned. Youre in dire straights, albeit, because of her. Now she has to decide is she really an all out idiot turned monster who will see her knight suffer greatly for naught or is there a glimmer of hope still left in her. Does she have any character left? I guess only time will tell. But it goes without saying whatever happens she has pushed you to the brink and you survived. Without a doubt you will continue to do so.

Continuing prayers,

ayslyne

Hi Mortar,
Checking to see if you are okay

Mortar,

Hope all is well.

ayslyne