I'm so scared right now, and I want to cry!

Ok, from the beginning - Yesterday I got my hair cut. Totally new style. It's short with bangs and I don't have to use hair spray or anything. My DH picked out the style. He LOVED it when he saw it.

Last night we talked a little. He asked if there was a bad end to this new style. I told him there wasn't and I understood where the feeling was coming from. We talked a little more about how good things have been and his fear of something still going on. He said he doesn't think there is but he's afraid of it. I told him I understood and all I could do was continue to reassure him and that I would do that.

Then he told me that lately he has noticed a lot of women looking at him and he gets this feeling he hasn't had in a long time. I was really good about this. I asked if I don't make him feel that way, and he said I do, but he feels something when he knows others are checking him out. I was quiet for a bit and then I said that I understand how and why he would be feeling this way but that I have to admit it scares me. I said I don't believe you would cheat on me, but it scares me. I told him that we need to stay open and honest about this to keep our relationship strong. He agreed and we went about our evening (good evening).

This morning I could tell something was on his mind. He said nothing so I left it alone. I left him a message thanking him for talking to me last night and I told him that I am here and always will be. We just talked on the phone a little bit ago. He told me he's not sure if we are we doing the right thing. I asked him why he feels this way and he didn't know. Then he said he just feels like he's missing out on some stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Like he feels he's been cheated in a way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wanted to cry and felt like freaking. I didn't though. I stayed calm and asked why he feels this way and he said he didn't know. I asked if I did something and he said no. Then he said he just feels like he's losing faith in us. Oh how I just want to cry so bad. Everything was going so good - why is this happening. I feel like I'm losing him. Like he's thinking about another woman or something. I am so terrified. I kept my cool though and simply said "I’m hear to talk if you need to talk about things."

I had to get off the phone so I said "I’ll give you a call later ok." He reply, “don’t worry about it.” I said calmly, "It’s not a matter of worrying about it, it’s a matter of wanting to." To which he said, "well, if you do you do, if you don’t don’t worry about it." I said I love you and he just said bye.

What is going on here? I am so terrified right now. Anxiety is creaping up on me fast! Help please, anybody. I am feeling so lost, confused, helpless, hurting, scared, and desperate. Please help me! Damn it, where is that tears Graemlins?!?

Hiya hun, so sorry you are going thru this right now. I completely understand where you are coming from. Don't give up on him right now, but at the same time try not to freak too much. I think (and this is JMO) that sometimes the BS likes to make you feel like they could do the same to you. I have noticed that sometimes, when things have been going really well, it's almost like my H thinks I have forgetten about the A, and feels a need to remind me he still is hurting from it. They like to make you have that insecure feeling they have dealt with so profoundly.

He could just be testing you, but you are wise to stay on your toes, and keep in communication with him.

Tutter; I think it's natural for a BS to have some feelings of doubt while recovering. After all, remember the very deep betrayal he felt and lived, and remember how very hard it is to trust again.

Sometimes, when I think about these things, I feel like just chucking it all, perhaps thinking that there might be others out there that I could have, thinking many things like that. But I come back to the reality that my M is what I want, and my W is whom I desire to be with.

Be patient; don't loose your cool, give him a bit of "space" to have these doubts. It's natural; but you also know he's stuck with you, and he's seen and felt the things that happen when we act on emotions, and he's unlikely to do that.

Reassure him, show him your love...he'll be back from those thoughts.

I wish I knew exactly what to say, but take the fact that he is talking to you about the way he feels very carefully. I think that if you talk about all of these feelings than it helps. He'll be able to get all of these emotions out and you can try and be positive. Try to make him feel that way, suprise him, whatever. I really don't know your background very well so I'm not sure about the situation. Keep your chin up, at least he's admitting to having these desires now, to me that means he wants to fight it out.

Stay cool. I can't say that I haven't felt like your H. My WH hit my self esteem so hard that I thought no one would ever want me. The only thing that helps me is compliments from strangers and friends. I helps me feel good enough about my self to see the person I am.
I also think he may be testing you. My WH tossed me aside so easily for someone because of his own insecurity. If I had done more when I saw this maybe the A would have never happened. Maybe he wants to see how much you want the marriage. Remeber the stronger and more self assured you are, the more attractive you become. This may be a little turn about is fair play.

Hang in there. From my WH first A, there will be many bumps. I expect mega bumps this time but am not sure I want to take this road again.

Keep your chin up. He comes home to you an <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> d what a guy to love your hair. Focus on the positive.

tutter:

Well, I've always prided myself as being "above" fantasizing about what life might be like with some other woman I might see or know at work. That's different now. It's different because I'm trying, in a twisted, misguided way, perhaps, to understand how my W could "replace" me so "easily" with Rat Meat. I've gone so far as to look forward to meeting someone new after DVing my W and "moving on", but I have those fantasies when I'm really angry, not when I'm thinking sensibly. In the end, there's no way I want to toss my M in the can on an impulse or as a reaction to something one of us does or says. No, we've had too much together not to at least give recovery a good try.

I think if I were saying the things your H is saying to you NOW that you've been in recovery for a year or so, I'd qualify those things with a little deeper disclosures of what he's thinking and why. Even not hearing his side of the story, this sounds too much like he's actually trying to hurt you with this stuff. I feel like swinging by his workplace and jerking a knot upside his haid with that MB 2x4 we all keep handy! After all, as a BS still dealing with my WW's "unterminated" A, and with all I want right now is to get to where you and your H are now, and as quickly as possible, it appals me to hear what he's saying to you.

Please hang in there, you've been a great help to me in the recent past!

Stay cool, be calm, chin up - I CAN'T!!!!

I'm freaking, I'm stressing, I'm full of anxiety, I'm crying!

I e-mailed DH "Am I losing you?" He replied "Why?" Then he called me and we talked a bit. No better than before. He said he'd felt this way (the way I'm feeling scared) for years. He said he's afraid of leaving and regretting it. So I asked if he's thought about leaving then and he said no more than you have. He said he is just tired of looking over his shoulder. That it's security, that the security is missing.

I'm losing every ounce of rationality that I possess. Now he knows I'm crying and he knows I'm scared and I'm afraid he will shut off and not talk about it out of worry for me (he's like that). However, I need him to talk to me.

Oh my life seems to be crumbling around me. I'm am so terrified. I just want to curl up in a corner and wipe out this nightmare. How did it become like this? Where did this come from? It just hit me out of left field! I'm so scared. I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know if I want to know.

I'm not strong right now. I'm feeling weak today. I don't mind not being in control, but I don't want to lose my husband. What do I do now???!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

tutter:

"I'm not strong right now. I'm feeling weak today. I don't mind not being in control, but I don't want to lose my husband. "

I can definitely understand this feeling. I was in a total panic last Friday, and ended up moving back home after a "failed attempt" to go to plan B. Cried like a baby to my W. She wasn't even all that compassionate with me at the time, which contributed to a couple of milder (but still wild) panic attacks over the weekend. Bottom line is that we have to remain strong, we have to show strength to our spouses. They will be attracted back to our strengths, and want some of them to rub off on them.

I don't know if your H is becoming attracted to someone else. If he is, he's got to be a major fool to follow that impulse after what you two have been through. I think it's good that he's talking to you about his feelings of insecurity. That, at least, gives you something to focus on. And since you two are in recovery, he KNOWS he has the responsibility of working WITH you on this problem. He needs to talk. He needs to show some compassion for you and some understanding of your fears.

I am hopeful that you two will sort this out in short order and get back on track!

All my best,

Now developments. . .

DH says he feels he was cheated out of love and a whole bunch of stuff.

He also says that there is nothing that can make up for what happened. All we can do is restart and it’s tough.

And that, what’s more tough is to try to figure out what’s Bull**** and what’s not Bull****.

I am so lost right now. He doesn't know if starting over and risking things again is worth it. Why is this happening NOW? I just feel so messed up.

Anyhow, sorry to keep going on and on. I'm just so lost. I'm about to do lunch soon and hide for a time to cry and think. Is there anyway or anything I can do to help him through this. I am so damn scared. A year of working so darn hard and now he doesn't know what is real and what's not and he is wondering if it's right, etc. What now? What do I do now?
Not getting everything he wants but he doesn’t know what he wants.

Sometimes I just think f-it I want out. Then I think about you and OM inside a room and it fuels it more.

Sorry, I'm all beside myself and lost. These last two statements are other things DH said in our latest conversation:

"I feel like I'm just not getting everything I want." But he doesn’t know what he wants either, so how can I help fulfill that?

"Sometimes I just think f-it I want out. Then I think about you and OM inside a room and it fuels it more." Oh, why is this happening now. We are supposed to be moving forward, and all I get from this is backword motions.

I appreciate all your responses, and I hang on every word you offer, but today is so tough and I hope you will bear with me as I ramble and add and bug you all as I fall apart today. Thank you all for taking the time for me. I appreciate it truly.

Hi Tutter,
If I could reach through this computer I would be hugging you right now.

I am feeling so many emotions for you. Is there any way you can convince him to come here and talk? How about some counseling right now? Are you guys currently seeing someone?

I don't know what to say except hang in there. I'm pulling for you.
1step

Queen TUT ....

My suggestion (which I strongly urge you to do today) ... is to tell your H about this site... tell him you name is Tutter ... and ask him to please, please read what is here. Advise him there are many men and women who have been betrayed by their spouses who have successfully rebuilt a marriqage that makes everyone involved happy.

Tell your H we are waiting for him.. Tell your H we already *admire* him.

He can share and learn ... and not feel so miserable.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 01, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

tutter:

It sounds like he just had a trigger? Thinking of you and OM together, when that was over a year ago, sounds like something has triggered these thoughts for him. Have you asked him this?

Hi Tutter,

I'm no sage... I'm no expert... You've been here a long time, and know the standard drill, so I don't know what "new" MB advice I can offer...

What I do know is that human nature is human nature... You have been giving and giving a lot lately, it seems - which is very, very good. But then there's that whole distancer / pursuer dynamic that seems to exist for EVERYONE, sadly. I hate games. Even though in many ways it isn't a game - it's just human nature.

I'm not saying that's what's going on for sure... but it might me. Think about it a bit. Maybe you've given and given, and made yourself such a sure thing, that he's slowly started to lose some respect - not necessarily for you, but for the M.

If I'm right, there's lots of things you could DO... nothing need be drastic or Earth-shaking right now... "Confidence", "Grace", "Poise" - all words you don't believe in right now, I'm sure... but if you've read Dobson, you'll recall how these things can be important to draw back ANY disinterested / questioning party.

Even though your H might not be a WH, he may need to be treated like one in some ways, if he's "becoming disinterested". And that could mean "Plan A" - which you've been doing so well, by the sounds of it... but it's also not allowing respect to drain away.

You're a great person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You deserve great treatment and to be valued as a great W. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So think that way, know it, believe it, and interact with your DH with some confidence... that him being in your M is a privilege, as it is for you. Sure, you might not feel like you've got a right to think that way, with the A and all. But human nature is human nature...

We all want to see you feeling better!

Tutter I feel so sorry for you today I know what it is like to have these days - but you have talked to me in the past about the WS point of view and you have helped me greatly... Though my husband doesn't want to fix what he did I have always admired you for trying to fix and make up for what you did. I can honestly say that no matter how confused I was or how hurt I was or how bad I wanted to hurt him - as a BS I would never cheat on someone and put them through that pain - I am not sure how many BS out there would do that. I think you need to calm down have faith in your relationship and how far you two have come - he wouldn't have gone through all of this just to leave - something must have set him off - he is just confused and will come back to you soon...Hang in there...

Tutter,
The healing doesn't happen all at once. Sometimes the wounds are surface healed, but festering.

I think you know my H & I are both BS & WS. Awhile back he said, "The FOW stole part of me from you. The FOM stole part of you from me."

There is true loss when a spouse has an affair. Loss of time spent with the OP, loss of attention to BS...lost, stolen moments & parts of us that are not recoverable. My H did things with the FOW that I wanted him to do with me, had asked dozens of time for him to do with me. He did them with her first. Ouch.

Quite honestly, this first week in August is the worst trigger time of all, the time of our first & fifth separations, the times he was most public with his A, the most distant, uncaring, & lying to me, 2 years running so he could party with her at this big local 10 day event.

As with any loss, you don't get that specific thing back, but that doesn't mean there isn't anything else good out there.

The first year of recovery we "reclaimed" the event. It was a horrible disaster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Last year, we ignored it. This year...we tried to arrange our vacation, but needed to be here for a wedding...I don't know what we'll do. I hate that it matters what we do, that this time is fraught with meaning.

For my bad, there was a day during the divorce proceedings my H was at my work, the phone rang--FOM called me several times a day, I asked my H to leave before I answered the phone. To this day, if the phone rings when he is there, he gets a "look" on his face, but I never hesitate to answer the phone now. Given some of the stuff my H did, it seems minor to me, but it wasn't minor to him, it hurt. Many of us choose something to focus our hurt upon, for me, it's the conference H & she got together in April & this week in Aug. For my H, it was that phone ringing, and my dismissing him.

And...my H & I are fully committed, perhaps not completely recovered, but well through a lot of the process. The bad times were long and deep. We failed in recovery 6 times. AFter a long Plan A, I added my bad choices to his.

So, you talk about restart. Exactly.

During the first year of recovery, we had to start over many, many days. It was our promise to each other, each day a fresh start, because some days ended just lousy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . The second year, I'm thinking the fresh starts were needed less, bad trigger times & PMS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> not every month, but enough.

If your H is thinking about you in a room with the OM...he should stop thinking that thought. Our thoughts truly do lead to emotion, and even to behavior. There's Bible verse (don't know the reference off the top of my head) "As a man thinks, so is he."

It's like the way a WS gets over thinking about the OP, they have to stop thinking about them, redirecting thoughts, or saying the reality "I want my marriage, not the OP. I want my spouse, not the OP." Sometimes I wonder if I don't think more about my H's FOW than he does, and they aren't kind thoughts. I do think more about his FOW than I do about the FOM. Because, that's what being a recovering WS is about, no contact with the FOP, even in thoughts.

At this stage for me, FWS is a done deal. I'm not a wayward spouse, I won't ever do that again, I won't put myself in a situation where it could happen. But...BS, realizing I really am a FORMER betrayed spouse, when I know he still works with her, it just plain hard at times.

I don't like it when I have to see her.

Not one thing that we have done in the past can be undone. You can't change your past A behavior. Your H can't change whatever he was like as a BS. There comes a scary time when you have to say, the bad stuff is past, let's live today in peace & love & forgiveness and move forward together.

It's the WS saying they are sorry, are committed to the marriage, the OP out of their life forever.

It is the BS saying they forgive, they are committed, they won't hold back because of the hurt. The BS accepts that the hurt, the loss happened, but chooses to look at the positives, a loving spouse, a future together, working & loving & planning together.

For recovery, the walls have to come down. It's frightening before you do it, but I believe it is necessary.

The image my counselor used was of a war-zone. Before you rebuild you have to cart away the rubble. You can't leave a pile of crap and effectively build around it. Or, your H can walk away from it, but it's still there, and it is still his.

The best thing my H did when I was falling apart, trying to get my portion of that jagged rubble from both the As & the separations carted away, was tell me he loved me, he was here for me, he wasn't going anywhere, he wanted to be with me. He said it over and over for months.

I know you are upset and anxious & worried, but withdrawing emotionally from your H wouldn't be a good idea. Things may get worse before they get better, but whatever happens, it won't stay at this stage continuously forever.

Take heart, Tutter, be the best wife you can be.

Tutter,

OK, do as everyone is saying, calm down.

You asked why is he doing this now? My guess is that it is because everything is going so well, he is worried when the other shoe will drop. He has doubts about his ability to keep you happy, and I suspect he feels it is HIS job to do that,when in fact it is your job to keep you happy.

Further, I suspect you are seeing him starting to release a lot of what is inside of him. The stuff he held back, why? Because he feels it is safe to do it now. Ironic isn't it? But, reasonable, he couldn't say these things to you when you weren't certain you wanted to be married to him.

Finally, I suspect he is realizing that you aren't the only woman out there. Well DUH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, it seems that when someone's deeply hurt their focus is on the person that rejected them, just as yours is right now on him. You are not thinking about other men, because you have an emergency with YOUR man. But, you did notice other men, and you even acted on it. Hence your fear, you know he could also.

So where am I going? I think the fact that you two are talking is good. I think the fact that you are panicing is bad. I think you need to confirm that indeed other women will find him attractive, after all you don't have bad taste. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think you also need to confirm, that you do love him, but like you he has to make decisions that are consistent with his conscience. You failed but your conscience did bring you back, because deep down you knew you were wrong.
Hopefully, he will be wise enough to learn from your mistakes.

Finally, it is not uncommon to go through periods where we wonder what a different choice might have brought. It is normal, but while wondering about these choices, we should enjoy the choice we made. He choose you, and you choose him. In fact, you choose him after your affair as well as before, so you have choosen him twice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tutter, talk with him, but don't panic. I think what you are seeing is part of recovery. It is the draining of the wound so that it can now completely heal. It isn't a pleasant experience, but it is a necessary one.

Hang in there OK?

God Bless,

JL

Yup tutter, you need to quit panicking. It will NOT help the situation. You guys really REALLY need to be in counseling. You're taking on an awful lot of this yourselves.

But what JL said is true too...I'm sure this IS normal. The security IS gone because he thought things were okay before and BOOM. But what he will realize is that he will NEVER AGAIN have that security...because it's a false one. That's what growing up is all about. Learning that life is NEVER absolute and there's not one darn thing we can do about it.

So he sees other women? And he thinks he can trust them? It's bogus. He'll figure that out. In the meantime...calm down and just love him and YOURSELF.

Tutter:
Here's the best perspective I can give on what you're going through. Most likely, before you strayed, your H honestly never noticed the other women around him. I know before my H's A, my brain simply had this autopilot feature that refused to look at other men "like that."

Now, it's like a window has been opened to the world that was always covered with heavy drapes before. And outside that window are other men, other possible relationships. And now, I can see them. They're just there, in a way they never were before. I have to consciously choose to ignore them, and focus instead on my marriage and my H.

A friend of mine from church is more or less the WS in his M. His BW just bolted. Refused to make any attempt to reconcile. As someone else told him, his actions opened the door out of the relationship, and she ran for it and never looked back. But I think she had been waiting for that crack in the doorway for a long time.

It doesn't sound like that's the case with your H. He's made an effort, and has been trying to recover your relationship. Maybe he's just now regained the sense of security that he's not in imminent danger of losing you to start noticing that now-open window. He's taking a wistful look at the other options that are open to him. I don't think it necessarily means he's contemplating an affair of his own, unless there is other evidence to indicate that he is.

I couldn't fully recommit to my H until I fully recognized and accepted that I didn't have to. If I had gone gung-ho for rebuilding the marriage without even considering that I had other options, I think that would have been a mistake.

It's good that he's talking to you about all this. He's letting you know where he's at emotionally, which, painful as that may be, is better than the alternative. This may be his way of PROTECTING himself from getting involved with another woman, by telling you and putting you on guard.

I know this must be hard for you. Big hugs and hopes from here...

Thank you all for your replies. I think I am a bit calmer right now. I spent lunch thinking and crying.

I'm still scared as to what tomorrow holds (so to speak). I wonder if he's just had enough. He mentioned that he believes in his religion and that it does not believe in divorce. So, I couldn't help but wonder if he would be staying just for that? I want him to stay for us, for our future, because he loves me and knows I love him. Not out of religious belief and/or convenience. I just wish I knew all of what is going through his mind.

You have all been so wonderful. I do believe that it will get worse before it gets better. I am going to do all I can to stay understanding and listen to and really hear him. I hope and pray that this will work through soon.

I think that maybe some of it is just opening up, and then I think that maybe some of it is trying to see how I'd react and feel (almost a get even). That would be sort of mean.

I don't think that he'd ever cheat on me, but now I find myself wondering. I sit here and think where is he at lunch? Did he go to the mall? Does he hook up with someone? These feelings he is having is how it all starts. Then I think about that he's just talking and that's good.

I just feel so lost and confused right now. I so appreciate all the responses. I felt so desperate and so needed all of you and once again you pull through for me. You are all so wonderful. I will keep in mind all you post and probably read it all over again before I leave for my day. Thank you all. I'm still down now and know I have a rough road ahead today still, but it helps to have you all here for me.