Started Relationship Rescue’s 14 Days exercise last night with H (and I thought the self assessment was humbling!) and I’m not sure what to make of his answers. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

#1 Why chose you for intimate relationship…H says…You were a challenge. You wanted nothing to do with me. You were independent. You had walls put up around you and it was as if I had to break through them each time. I wanted to be with you always. When I wasn’t with you I was depressed and tried to think up excuses to see you. I was obsessed with you. You were my goal. You had a big chest. #2 Greatest fear in opening up has been…H says…can’t show weakness. I want people to think that stuff just bounces off of me, that stuff doesn’t get to me. But I am human and I do have feelings. It was the way I was brought up I guess…don’t feel, don’t show emotion. Then he went into how his parents are disappointed in him, professionally for example. #3 By opening up now I hope to gain…H says…to get that feeling that you are my goal again.

Okay, I need help. What is he saying to me? What do I make of this? At first I thought…great I was a challenge with a big chest! Woohoo! Good thing admiration isn’t on my top 5! Major love bank withdrawal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It is actually great that after one spouse answers the other can’t say anything except thank you for sharing…etc. I sat there with this strange little smile nodding my head, listening and then thought – OH MY! Do I really want to share my life with someone like you? Then I thought – why is he hiding feelings? Or is he? Maybe he really is just shallow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It just seems to be getting harder each time to pick myself back up after an emotional blow. Maybe I really don’t have anything to offer anyone. Maybe all I had was my looks and now I’m older and they are gone…so is my chest thanks to the infidelity diet! Agghhh! Here I go again…Dr Phil, Dr. Phil… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway - What do you think? I’m not in C so I really don’t have anyone to help me figure this out so I appreciate any opinions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You were a challenge. You wanted nothing to do with me. You were independent. You had walls put up around you and it was as if I had to break through them each time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the "conquer" mentality that dates back to prehistoric times!! Also the "we want what we can't have" thing too. My mom said she used to want a guy until she got him, and then she'd say to herself"well he must not be such a catch since he was willing to go out with me." Maybe there's some self esteem issues. He has to set the bar high for himself, and then by achieving it, it boosts his selfesteem, until he looks at himself and realizes that he really hasn't changed any. Then he feels like the bar wasn't high enough so he sets it back up again, something new to be achieve that was actually better than the last achievement since the last achievement didn't really help his self esteem.

I would have to know more in order to suggest ways to raise his self-esteem, but praise, admiration etc. are all ways to help him feel better about HIMSELF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You had a big chest </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is shallow, but it feeds into my theory above. By getting a woman with a big chest, it meant he had achieved something. Other people would admire him and want what he had. When he gets past the initial "high" of his achievement, he's back in the pits because the "new" has worn off. At least you have the opposite of my situation, the OW had the big chest - not me. But my H married me because of my inner beauty which will not change with age. His A has reopened his eyes to how shallow outward appearances are and how important inward ones are.

No offense, but men are shallow in lots of ways. The wise ones are the ones that see the entire package instead of just the wrapping. Maybe it's time to redirect his attention from the outward to the inward. Keep your chin up - Smile.

Twinkles,

I thought it interesting that the rest of his answers you ignored. You only focused on the very thing that you can do nothing about. Why he was FIRST attracted to you. Go back and reread his other answers, you may learn something from them. In fact, ask him about them and see if there is more there than you think.

He is hiding his feelings from you because...?? My guess he is afraid you won't like or love him if he showed he wasn't in control of his feelings or even had them. Much more here than you seem to be thinking about.

Keep thinking, and then ask him.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you both.

Jamup - Oh my...you sparked something when you wrote
"He has to set the bar high for himself, and then by achieving it, it boosts his selfesteem, until he looks at himself and realizes that he really hasn't changed any. Then he feels like the bar wasn't high enough so he sets it back up again, something new to be achieve that was actually better than the last achievement since the last achievement didn't really help his self esteem"

My H has always "collected" licenses. He puts blinders on and works, studies, and then takes the test to get some license. He has always said it was to make extra money. Now I wonder...he really doesn't make any money with any of them.

Praise and admiration...okay. Any suggestions on how to do this without making it obvious. Or maybe obvious is okay...I don't know. This man certainly has me confused.

JL - Help me...I don't understand. I was confused about his statements about his parents being disappointed in him. Does he think I'm disappointed? Or is he disappointed in himself? What can I do???

"Go back and reread his other answers, you may learn something from them. In fact, ask him about them and see if there is more there than you think...Much more here than you seem to be thinking about" - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Self esteem is a delicate issue. For one, your efforts must be geunine. In other words, don't tell him he has the most beautiful head of hair you've ever seen if he's balding. Your compliments MUST be believable. (even if you do think his bald head is cute!!) Maybe you should start another thread asking for advice on boosting spouse's self-esteem. You might get some replies there from people who've actually been to counseling for that type of problem. It sounds like he has some childhood problems that may be still with him. Do what you can, but professional help may be in order.