</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa in London:
<strong>
Still not sure about what gift to buy "Hi, welcome home, glad you're back, so sorry about the affair, but here's a book of poems" sounds a little trivial doesn't it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see, you still got your humour, excellent! does he know about MB principles and this website in particular? I stumbled on this absolutely by chance and as the betrayed one in a relationship I have to say, it helped me enormously (even if you have to cut sometimes through that yank speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Picking him up from the airport is an excellent idea, by the way. Make the home comfy for him, put some beer in the fridge (we men are rather simple you know).

Lisa,

You will hurt him more in the long run if he doesn't know what he is dealing with. If you two have communicated well in the past and indeed talked everyday, then he will need to know how and why this A started. It is crucial in the next few days or week that you can explain to him how this happened. Why? Well, if the marriage is to recover he will need to find a way within himself to feel that he can prevent it from happening again. A way to be safe. It is that rule of protect, that Harley talks about. You both will need to feel protected. It won't happen at first but it can and should develop.

If the marriage doesn't survive then he needs to know what he could of done, so that when another woman enters his life he can feel safe in knowing at least a bit of how to prevent it from happening again. Do you see where I am coming from? The truth of it will hurt, but the information that comes with the truth will help him immensely as he heals from this.

I take it your gift is to have his daughters accompany you to the airport. In many ways that will help. Since they both know about this, it is possible that they will be of some help to both of you. I don't mean put them in the middle or use them as middle men/woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , they are far too young to have the emotional experience to deal properly with this. But, their views on things may be eye openers for the both of you.

I am glad you ordered the books. I think you will find them very educational but probably very tough to read. The books themselves are easy reading, but the situations are going to hurt to read. I mean for both you and your H.

I still think as your withdrawal reduces, you will come around a bit. Then you and your H can make some decisions. I would definitely suggest that neither of you make any serious decisions for at least a few months. Perhaps 6 months.

Many here have found it useful to agree to work on things for a period of time such as 6 months and reevaluate the situation then. In your case that would put you beyond Christmas and the holidays. Also when we talk about work, initially that means getting to know one another again. It also means letting feelings out (yes I know you reserved Brits) well between you and your H this is NOT the time for that rubbish. For the rest of the world, reserved is just fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lisa, you may find this very interesting, but this whole thing if properly dealt with could make your marriage much better than it ever has been. You have no idea of the pain you and your H will deal with, but you have no idea how much that can change how you see one another.

I hope you had a chance to read SKM's posts. They will give you a sense of the time scale involved. Get some rest and let tomorrow be the beginning of a very interesting journey.

God Bless,

JL

by the way - get the book "why men dont listen and why women cant read maps". waterstones has it in the relationship/self help section. both my wife & I enjoyed it immensly. good fun & v.insightful.

Hi Lisa,

It was nice to read your message, my husband had an affair while away on training-he was away for 5 mos and it happened the last week (after he told me he had feelings for her but that was it). I never found out about the sexual part until 6 wks after his return and i found an e-mail he wrote to her-words i am having a very hard time forgetting. The story is htat when i found out i flipped out but then for some reason- pure love-i assume, i chose to forgive, now i am having a hard time forgetting...How could he do this and still love me, I keep picturing them having sex, and talking and flirting etc. I need to move past that becuase i want to forgive, he is not a horrible person. I am hoping to talk to some one to help me deal with the hows, why's when's etc (i posted as "My husband had an affair-July 25th), I hope you figure this out, and stay for the right reason.

Keep me posted.

Nick - I saw that book yesterday, but as I am an excellent map reader, walked straight past..... Still trying with humour! I'm not sure about H and this website. He is very private and would not like that I have been posting info about us with strangers. That it has helped me and actually made me re-consider him moving out may be the only thing he could accept.

JL, no, neither of us would use the girls, but I know he would really like it if they were both there to meet him, and that's what will happen. It's funny really how insightful they have both been at times for ones so young. As I said, I will drop them straight off so H and I can spend tonight and tomorrow together alone. We have also talked about going away together for a few days. The weather in the UK has been awful all summer, and some sun amongst other things would surely make me feel better.

I know I have to be honest with him, and that includes trying to explain that I still currently have feelings for OM and am going through withdrawal. I do not know if he can accept that. Zachsmom will know how awful it is to read correspondence on e-mail. My H printed off about 30 mails between myself and friends. This had very intimate detail about my feelings. He found out everything, and I mean everything about where we'd been, what we'd done, the things OM does, my feelings for OM both E and P. Tooooo much information for him to handle really. Zachsmom he said the same as you - imagining me having sex with him etc. If it is any comfort I think that has stopped now.

All I can do is talk to H now, but JL if I knew why it had happened, I don't think I'd feel so all over the place now! It is far to easy to say he left me alone, I was needy, OM fulfilled those needs. For me I feel it runs deeper. I can't be honest with H about those reasons yet, because I don't know myself. I can only talk to him. I remember at Easter after the PA had started, and I tried to explain to H how I'd been feeling - since returning from my cycle trip I'd been really ill, I'd had no work, my fence had blow down, my car broke down 4 times in 4 weeks, and I felt low, and low self esteem. H just said "Heaven forbid you should have a hard life Lisa". Sometimes, he just doesn't get it even when I'm trying to explain. I should get over that, but I tried to tell him, pull him back to me, and he pushed me away. Perhaps I'm worried that we can't communicate anymore - has never ever been a problem.....

Anyway, I expect I'll look later on the board before I leave to get H. I feel relatively calm, although I heaved and sobbed last night when I got into bed - thinking about the mess of it all and the OM. Is difficult to think that anything could be better after all this. Yes, I did read SKM's post and it encouraged me.

As ever, thank you all for the support and words.

Well, just off to the airport fairly soon. Was ready an hour early. So anxious, just surely will be better when H is at least back in the UK.

Tried really hard to think of pressie, but no ideas forthcoming, so made sure the house is nice and clean and tidy (am not great at that side of life!!), fresh flowers, some beer in the fridge and a card.

Just want to get it over and done with now, can hardly imagine how he feels.

Thank you everyone, I will let you know what happens.

Good luck at the airport Lisa! Take it slow, remember it all takes time, whatever you and your H decide.

Good luck Lisa, come back and let us know how you got on. {{{hugs}}}

Ben.

Thank you everybody, unfortunately it was a disaster - I have started a new thread, would really welcome some advice here.