thanks giong crazy and others, td, you too... but no- have niot tried using my kids???? dont know what you mean there. Sorry it just hit a nerve, and yes... only reason I would apologize to in laws is to try to smooth the water.. which is rought... I still do not respect their contribution to this mess... although I know they did not cause it, and yes, I do forgive... but very tired of their attitude and fearful of their R with my kids... bad influence... but I do think it will be a distant relationship so it prob. wont hurt much...

I started this thread to write the ltr to smooth the waters... and bring peace, but that does not mean I completely forgive, the fil... now I do not hate either... I guess I forgive.. but wish for resolution that I know will not come.. but my forgiveness is prob. the best thting that can happen to this strained relation ship with inlaws... I added a lot of fuel to the fire.. after fil supported h in his actions.... and did throw in his fa ce his past mistakes.. and I know that was wrong... i absolutely think that the way my h was raised is coming out now and today, and that fil is responsible for teachign this liefestyle...

does not mean I do not forgive, but I can still hate the situation ....

make any sense- I didnt even want this thread to be arguing these points, but when they cmae up I gave my opinion and others seem to think I am unforgiving and want to blame others for what ws does. NO, but there is blame to share... i knwo ws is quialty man.

Anyway... I do forgive, that does not mean I approve or like. fil? make sense?

nks, h

Honey, the point of the letter is not to FORGIVE or approve of your FIL but to APOLOGIZE for your bad behavior. You acted bad to the man. Period.

And yes, he is a jerk. But that doesn't justify your own behavior. He is your kids' grandpa so it is the best thing for THEM to be on friendly terms with their grandpa, so do it for them. You don't have to like the man, you don't have to approve of him, but you do have to take responsibility for your own behavior. Clean up your side of the street, honey, that's all you can do.

Your FIL might have been responsible for "teaching" him this lifestyle but what is he responsible for now? Do you think you writing a letter to him is going to make him go to his son and tell him to go back to you? Is this what you're hoping for? I hate to say it but the in-laws do not usually side with the spouse, they side with their kid, Hell my ex-mother in law had the H and OW over for dinner at her place while we were still married and I was still clueless about it all.

Honey, your h is gone, he's more than likely not coming back no matter what you do. He's running around with every whore that gives him the time of day, he's posting pictures of said whores on a website for all to see, he doesn't call you, come home or give you any indication that he wants a marriage. He doesn't, he wants to play like he's eighteen again.

I know being a single mom is hard, I was raised by one and from age 3 and 6 respectively mom had her hands full. Dad gave zero support. Was life easy? Nope but we had each other and in time my mother found love again in her life and grew stronger every year and now is a force to be reckoned with. I love her dearly and I respect her more than anyone on this planet.

You can do it Honey. Ditch this man, he ditched you already. Stop begging him for his time and attention, it's cheap, he gives it away to any skank that will treat him like the god he's not. It's not worth your begging and there are good men, real men of quality out there that will treat you and your boys well and with respect and honest love.

You're wishing for an illusion that's no longer there. In most respects the man you married is dead, bury him already, he's beginning to stink.

I know you're going to be upset by this and for that I'm sorry. I know you are sensitive, I was too when my h was doing the same and my marriage was in it's last throes. Be angry if you have to be.

People can be very cruel sometimes, even to those that love them, you know that because you are living it now. But sometimes we have to go through great pain to begin healing. It's time for you to step over the gauntlet Honey and allow yourself to grieve the death of your marriage, steel yourself for the coming struggle raising your children(no doubt they will be able to rely on you) and finally opening your heart to allow yourself to be loved again and this time by someone who deserves to give you love.

Much strength and resolve to you in this time. I know you'll find it within you.

Hi Honey!
Just popped in today and saw your post.

I think you should be honest with yourself and seriously consider NOT sending an apology. That is my opinion though, only you know if you are truly sorry. You know you situation better than anyone else here. If you don't think your kids are safe around FIL or H then do whatever it takes to protect them and protect you too. If they are unhealthy relationships for your kids, they are unhealhty relationship for you and you should do whatever it takes to NOT be in any contact with any of them.

The bottom line I'm trying to say is: your not going to be a perfect person and you are going to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be human. I trust you know what is best for your life. If you make a mistake its okay. What I see is you are real hard on yourself. So, you said things in anger?! Who here hasn't? Find out the motivation of your heart. If you are truly sorry then say so. But if you are just trying to keep the peace to win them to love you so maybe they will talk some sense into H then forget it. Accept reality. If FIL gives H permission for adultry then accept that is who FIL is. Your apology and changing yourself will not change FIL. And the adultry is ultimately your H choice of responsibility regardless what FIL says.

Hang in there Honey. I know you are doing the best job you can in a VERY difficult situation. You have the tools within you to work through this and you will survive, I know you will. You deserve happiness and you will get it (even if you have to fight for it - I know you)! smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honey,

Keep going to Al-Anon so that you and your boys don't drown in the alcoholic cesspool your h is living in. I know that you want better for your h but the ONLY ones you can save are yourself and your boys. If you don't take care of yourself and your boys, who will??

It's horrible living with alcoholism, but you did it for a long time--and therefore you allowed your boys to live with it too--because YOU were not at YOUR bottom yet. It seems like h's skank-chasing was YOUR bottom, but it doesn't seem like it is HIS.

On a positive note--it's a very good thing that you reached your bottom with it before your boys got old enough and affected enough to hit THEIR bottoms with it. Lead the way for your boys Honey--if you can't do it for yourself yet, do it for your boys. Maybe they and their wives won't view you the way you view your fil.

You have time Honey--use it well. Take care.

honey,
You remind me of my self the first dozen times my husband cheated on me. I begged, pleaded and tried anything and everything to get him to come home, But he was too busy playing and drinking while I sat at home pregnant and a toddler at home. He didnt care about me, our children, only him self and how much fun he was having. He was verbally abusive and sickening to be around and had cheated on me so many times, what I couldnt figure out was WHY I would want a man like that to stay with me.
I think it was because I was scared.. I was so afraid to be alone, after all I had been with this man so many years.. I just new we had to be together.
I noticed when I cried and begged, he became more abusive and less desirable, He liked the fact that I was sitting at home crying my eyes out while he was doing everyt hign he came across. He knew when it was done I owuld still be there. so who cares . It didnt stop till I said enough and started taking care of me and my children. I ignored him and moved on, in time he came around and stopped the drinking and became a good father, he never stopped the cheating though and I dont know if he ever will.
But honey you cant do this to your self.
You have got to move on and show him it doesnt matter any more, this plan is not working for you and you have to stand up for your self and your children, You want your boys to see a stron mother one they will love and look up to, you husband will teach them all his bad qualities, and I dont think it does those boys any good to see there mother like this.

as far as your father in law, dont apologise for something you believe in, because it will not come across as sincere. Just make sure you control your self next time, maybe let them know the kids are their when they want to see them.

show them all how strong you are, pick your self up and start living for you.