</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong>...My vote is to give your anniversary no acknowledgment.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, yes. After all, what's there to celebrate? 1 year + 4 days since dday, and 2+ years of her A...I agree, it does not merit acknowledgement. Sad, though...21 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I agree that skipping the anniversary is consistent with plan B, and if it's important to her, your skipping it might be an additional poke with that cattle prod.

I'm still sorry you're at this point. I think a lot about my own "attempt" to plan B 2 weeks ago, and my observations of my W's behavior since then. H4F was right. She won't get it until I get it. I'm learning, though. I really still hope that, sometime after I get it, she will too, without me having to go to a real plan B. But I won't expect. I'll differentiate!

Help me out here, folks, give me some hope, interpretations, thoughts....what is she thinking? Is Steve's approach (1 week w/contact before Plan B) a good idea? Did I totally blow it by allowing my departure to occur on a sour note?
What the h--k did she mean by "the R with OM HAD ended..."

I guess I just need reassurance...don't know what the next few days will be like. I guess my years as a 100% travel consultant will come in handy...hotels every night, finding stuff to do...

SC:

"Sad, though...21 years."

It ain't over yet!!! You're doing your level best to insure that there will be 42 more years!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>SC:

"Sad, though...21 years."

It ain't over yet!!! You're doing your level best to insure that there will be 42 more years!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, it's kinda' weird though. I can see it now when I'm telling my grandchildren about it; "Well, Joey, your grandma and I have been together for 52 years now, of course, we skipped 21 because she and I were having some trouble..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

SC:

"Help me out here, folks, give me some hope, interpretations, thoughts....what is she thinking?"

Boy, if we knew the answer to that question, you wouldn't be needing to go to plan B, now would you? The point is, she may be STARTING to think. I believe that my W was starting to think too, while I was gone for a week, based on things she's said or done since then. Not nearly ENOUGH thinking, so this might indicate that you need to give her plenty of time to think.

"Is Steve's approach (1 week w/contact before Plan B) a good idea?"

I don't know. I would have thought that, because you have a good understanding with your kids, you wouldn't need to have contact with WW as soon as you moved out. What was the reason he suggested the temporary continued contact?

"Did I totally blow it by allowing my departure to occur on a sour note?"

I don't think so. It's probably nearly impossible to do anything but, unless you leave the letter on her pillow or something and don't talk directly with her at all. But with a week of continued contact, you still haven't "left yet", you're still in sort of a "remote plan A".

"What the h--k did she mean by "the R with OM HAD ended...""

I think you're not seeing the forest or the trees for the twigs, here. Who knows? Maybe nothing.

Well, it's interesting what Steve said about semi-contact for a week or so. he said it was better because it would allow for arrangements with the kids, finances, documents, whatever needs to be taken care of. AND, perhaps more importantly, he said that this way she has time for this first few days to get over the shock and perhaps some of the anger, and then, when the Plan B letter is delivered, she'd be more likely to take it better, rather than dismissing it's intended declaration of continued love because of the anger and shock.

Guess it make sense, but it was unexpected for me.

What I do wonder is IF she'll continue to C with Steve....what if she doesn't? what then? Steve felt that she would, so I hope she does. I guess I could put that in the letter, right? that I'll continue to pay for Cing w/Steve and that I hope she'll continue to do that....???

Hmmmmmmmmm.....are we "trying to predict the future" ALREADY???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Let's get back to the present......

Spacecase, do you remember the first moment you discovered the affair? Do you remember the period of SHOCK that followed? How about the ANGER that followed that? Can you relate to where your dear WW is RIGHT NOW???? How about where she might go after the shock really sets in or wears off?

For what it's worth.....I like SH's "continued contact" for the time being. But that's probably because I still think there's a slight chance....mind you I said "slight" chance....that this shock your WW has just gotten just might be the thing that starts....mind you I said "starts"....her reaching through the fog. Plan A! Plan A! Plan A!....right up to the second you go to Plan B.

For what it's worth.....you anniversary is still a ways off so you have time to make that decision. Here's my opinion though.....I think it would be a good thing to acknowledge it just in case your dear WW thinks you've closed the door forever. Not a big thing, something like a simple acknowledgment card even if it's a "no subject" card and you just write Happy Anniversary.

But that's still down the road a bit so let's get back to the present.....

Take care.

Uh, Oh! The MB Police is after us again, 2L! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I will not predict the future
I will not predict the future
I will not predict the future
I will not predict the future
I will not...

Bless you Spacecase! Bless you! Bless you! Bless you! You just made my day/week!! I'm in the MB police <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Uh-oh....does that mean I have to police myself too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ok....I will not try to predict the future, really, I'll try, really, really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Spacecase,

(((((lots of hugs)))))))

Ok what I see here is the following:

1) Your wife's comment about the R with the OM ending, sounds like a desperate wild card, kind of "Oh bleep! Lets throw the man a bone to see if he'll stick!!!". You caught her off guard, thinking you'd sit there and wait some more untill she felt like waking up.

2) I think Steve's plan is great. You have one week to let her know you are moving and moving slooowly towards the door, she cannot say "You just one day packed your bags for no reason and left!", if she does you can always say "Honey, it was a week, and I gave you plenty of notice and documentation with my reasons of leaving, chill."

3) It gives you time to not end it in a sour note, aka, slamming the door on your way out with the clothes on your back. Also helps with the kids, they know you are leaving and will get the idea with at least a bit of time.

Don't care what she throws at you. My wild guess is that she'll go from anger, which is a product of you catching her off guard, to trying to make you hang in there with sweet nothings that will wash off as soon as you decide you are not leaving. Know what I mean?

2long, I am sorry your plan B didn't work out as planned, I do think your wife needs to see what it would be like to loose you. But you need to be more stable and yes, get it, before she gets it. ((((((hugs to you)))))))), I hope Farscape doesn't become a trigger now, I am tempted to ask you if you saw the episode where Chriton got cloned because I missed it hehehe.

Spacecase, stay strong, and follow through with the plan. I know you will be able to. My H also sends his best wishes to both of you.

Hello my friend SC. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!! It is truly horrible beyond words. Just a few thoughts to keep in mind:

Plan B is a plan. It does NOT mean it is over! It is part of the process. It is usually the MOST effective part of the process. But it is usually easier to grieve the loss of your marriage in order for her to feel the pull of the seriousness of her actions.

What is your wife thinking: she is unhealthy and stuck in the same old habits. Her way of finding out where you are and seeking out security and assurance is by the "poor me" way or manipulating with anger. For instance the "its my fault" usually SC rushes in here to say, no its not all your fault, I love you, and I want to work on this. She then crys or feels the security she needs from you and continues because she has what she wants: you and OM. or her anger in the passed has lead you to be less confronting, less snoopy. I think you have done everything by the book and Plan A is VERY important. BUT she was stuck in a pattern NOW she needs to see things are different. You don't need to go into all the "I love you's and its not your fault" you sound like a broken record. She already knows that. She just uses this ploy to find her safety net. BUT now you are pulling that safety net out from under her. She said "the relationship with OM ended. Yes, that is what she always says to appease you and get back in your good graces so she can reap the benefits of Plan A.

What is she thinking? She is thinking you are going to cave. Plan B is nowhere in her memory bank..its not in her history or any experience she has ever had. She doesn't get it or understand it and won't get it until your words and actions are consistant over a period of time.

This is when you have to live your life one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. You anniversary is 8/30...do not even allow your brain to think about what to do until 8/29. Too many things can happen between now and then and now the ball is in her court. There is nothing new under the sun that you can tell her that you haven't already said. The counseling: don't push it, don't ask for it. These are things she already knows are important to you and when she is ready to commit to the marriage, she will do whatever it takes. Again the "broken record" she already knows, you don't need to repeat. Before you say anything to her think to yourself: have I said this before? if you have, don't repeat it. She already knows it through your consistant words and actions over the last 10 months or so.

Anyway, I'm not sure when I'll be back to check on you but know you are in my prayers. Know it is okay for you to give up hope, I think it is a natural part of the process. While those of us recovered from Plan B will continue to have hope for you and your marriage.

Take care of SC!

SC,

WILL YOU PLEASE QUIT WORRYING. Heck you have nothing to worry about. Now your W has some problems. She has to chose between a convicted felon and a husband of over two decades. She has to decide if she can still sit on the fence while the H moves out and the convicted felon does about another decade in the slammer. She of course could go to the go it alone, but she doesn't seem to do the "alone" thing so well, especially since she is "in love".

Finally, her children know about her affair and they know why you are leaving. She broke up the family.

Buddy, smile, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you don't have problems she does. You don't have a marriage to save, yours is gone, she does. You aren't madly in love with a dope dealer, she is.

SC, this is going exactly as SH predicted. She would be mad. She would be angry. That is why it isn't straight into plan B. As I posted to you before, Plan A rarely saves a marriage it just lays the ground work. You have done that well. Plan B is where the rubber meets the road and the seeds that you have planted just might germinate and grow.

Relax SC you are coming in for a landing and you are right on the glide path. Have a little faith that the control tower (SH) can talk you in. So strap in, expect some turbulence and remember any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

No mindreading, second guessing allowed in this high stakes game. YOu got to play them as you see them, and you are doing that.

Calm down and go about your business. Telling the kids, moving, doing a great job interview. It is her job to prove to YOU that the OM is out of the picture, and it is her job to take a step toward you and start to work on the marriage. That is what that plan B letter says. Let her work on it. If SH thinks she will talk to him, then go with it.

God Bless,

JL

Alostwife:

"2long, I am sorry your plan B didn't work out as planned, I do think your wife needs to see what it would be like to loose you. But you need to be more stable and yes, get it, before she gets it. ((((((hugs to you)))))))),"

Thanks, alw. I think SC should be reminded that he's in a much better position than I was when I tried to do plan B. Remember, SC, Both my IC's were out of town that week, and the earliest I could get an apppointment with SH was almost 2 weeks after I left the house!

"I hope Farscape doesn't become a trigger now, I am tempted to ask you if you saw the episode where Chriton got cloned because I missed it hehehe."

I saw that one. It was actually intersting. Sometime, on another thread, I'll tell you more about it.

This is word for word what Mr. Pepper said:

"I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage."

... and then, he did what I asked him to do!

We should agree to nothing less than "whatever it takes".

If and when will this happen for you Space ... who knows??? (because we do not try to predict the future)

You have done what is within your power to do to save your M... and you have done it well.

I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage ..... whatever it takes

This is the prize ... keep your eye on the prize SpaceMonkey .... we're rootin' fer ya!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

"I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage"

That's EXACTLY what I said and MEANT. Hold out for that...it's the good stuff!

You folks are SO fabulous! I don't even know where to start responding...
I can't cover everyone, but everyone's time and support are GREATLY appreciated!

<strong>2L</strong>; you just stick around, man, and keep the funny stuff coming! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<strong>kk2002; Psalm 30:5 "Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning." </strong>
I will print this out and have it in front of me.

<strong>Pepper; I will refrain from predicting the future, I will refrain from predicting the future, I will refrain from predicting the future, ....</strong>
My new mantra...
<strong>"I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage."</strong>
Pep; the day I hear these words, if it ever comes, I will erect a Pepperband Altar in my home!

<strong>Nick123;</strong> I have to re-discover what it is that makes Spacecase tick...this should be fun!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<strong>Still Seeking; "I wonder how you will feel one year from now. None of us knows - but I BELIEVE that you will be happy and healthy and loving life."</strong>
This is a wonderful thought...thank you!

<strong>Yet Again; The "Dear, dear Spacecase,"</strong> ...I FELT this!
<strong> "I sincerely hope that your Plan B turns out to be the biggest foghorn in the history of MB"</strong>
That would be something, really would be something...
<strong>"For what it's worth.....I like SH's "continued contact" for the time being. But that's probably because I still think there's a slight chance....mind you I said "slight" chance....that this shock your WW has just gotten just might be the thing that starts....mind you I said "starts"....her reaching through the fog."</strong>
Now that REALLY would be something!!!
<strong>"Bless you Spacecase! Bless you! Bless you! Bless you! You just made my day/week!! I'm in the MB police "</strong>
Gee...you're easy to please! Ain't THAT something!

<strong>Mark2002; "Has SH already suggested Plan B as a possibility to her and the risks that entails? Or would it come as a complete surprise to her?"</strong>
It will be a complete surprise...I'm not sure if that's good or bad!

<strong>Sing;</strong> Thanks for the sympathetic tears...I've done a lot of that lately...although less than before!

<strong>J.R.; "time is on your side. After the initial hump, it will start to feel better."</strong>
I expect you're right on this one. Hope so!

<strong>Just Learning; "Your notes to her on her last trip, your 11 months of effort on this, and finally your children will all play a role in how she responds."</strong>
I'll try to remember this when the going gets rough!
<strong>"WILL YOU PLEASE QUIT WORRYING."</strong>
JL; this and all the rest of that post gave me the MOST strength tonight! Very true, very true!

<strong>Jelly Girl; "Your W is missing out on someone truly wonderful."</strong>
I have nothing to say....speechless!

<strong>Dreamland; "You will soon see how much you mean to her."</strong>
Indeed...this is where a lot will become clear.

<strong>Hope4Future; "but it truly isn't over until it's over."</strong>
I know...it just seems so hard...to have to reach this stage

<strong>ALostWife; "1) Your wife's comment about the R with the OM ending, sounds like a desperate wild card, kind of "Oh bleep! Lets throw the man a bone to see if he'll stick!!!". You caught her off guard, thinking you'd sit there and wait some more untill she felt like waking up.

2) I think Steve's plan is great. You have one week to let her know you are moving and moving slooowly towards the door, she cannot say "You just one day packed your bags for no reason and left!", if she does you can always say "Honey, it was a week, and I gave you plenty of notice and documentation with my reasons of leaving, chill."

3) It gives you time to not end it in a sour note, aka, slamming the door on your way out with the clothes on your back. Also helps with the kids, they know you are leaving and will get the idea with at least a bit of time."</strong>
This all sounds pretty close to the truth...thanks.

<strong>ILuvNprotect ME;</strong> Iluv! WONDERFUL to have you among us! As always, your WS fog-speak interpretations are an endless source of wonder to me! Thank you.

Alberta, Shattered in SF, everyone else...my sincere thanks!

SC. your welcome for the tears.

strange how things work;
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your son will be 20 Frid, my OS will be 18 the 15th</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we both I live in FT Bend but I don't live in Sland or Ist C</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we share an anv, this would/will be my 22nd</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think I have a few yrs on you</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good luck telling your children, go to your son's celerbation, and well, good luck over all

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

Dear Spacecase,

Just to chime in with a hug (((Spacecase)))).

That JL really has a way with words. I learn so much from him! He has got it nailed!

Just want to let you know will be praying for you this week.

LIR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sing:
<strong>SC. your welcome for the tears.

strange how things work;
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your son will be 20 Frid, my OS will be 18 the 15th</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we both I live in FT Bend but I don't live in Sland or Ist C</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we share an anv, this would/will be my 22nd</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think I have a few yrs on you</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good luck telling your children, go to your son's celerbation, and well, good luck over all</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow! I had noticed coincidences here and there...I live in Ft Bend also...1st Colony...thanks S