I think Pepperband said this to you first. You MUST learn to make yourself happy and fulfilled and not rely on others to do it for you. Maybe, you should figure out why being alone would cause you to be lonely. Why are you afraid of this? There are people that are alone, but never lonely; one can be lonely in a room full of people! As well, you are an adult; you have the choice to get involved with another OW or not. With choice comes consequences (something you are feeling now).

Before you walk away from your marriage you must be able to honestly say you did everything you could to make it work. If you find you must end your M, then do so with the assistance of IC. Learn why it's so important to you to 'be with someone'. Learn to enjoy your own company. Learn from your mistakes and make sure you are divorced before you become involved with someone else.

That being said, I'm not telling you to end your marriage. I'm saying you need to sort through your own issues before you can be in a healthy/loving relationship with anyone, including your wife. Work on yourself first, do what it takes to make yourself a better person. Maybe your W will follow your lead, maybe not. At least at the end of this you'll be in a healthier frame of mind and will be more inclined to make the right decision.

HR in case you're interested in doing a little studying-reading ... here are suggestions:

Learned Optimism by Martin Seigman
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

If you feel you would like to *cancel your pessimist club membership* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... and join a new club ... these books can help.

Take care

Pepper

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

By the way ..... wouldn't it be interesting if you went over all of your thoughts you've expressed here on this thread ... and you compiled a list of all the faults and failures you see in your W.

Type out the list of unflattering things you've said about her.

Now, point out all the hopelessly romantic things you've said about her.

Interesting , isn't it?

What's up with that???

pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper-

Thanks for the resources...

Yes, the irony hasn't escaped me either - it's a question I've been asking my IC for quite a while - I don't understand what happened to my feelings of love (the cuddly, mushy kind, not the familial, caring kind) for my W. Only thing I can come up with (Cslr always steers me away from analyzing this question-maybe he knows it's a waste of time-and he knows how hyper-analytical I can be) - only thing I can think of is that when I "decided" my W didn't care, didn't love me or want me - well, I guess I went into self-protect mode and drove those feelings out of me - in order to not get hurt by further "rejections" of my romantic and emotional overtures.

Funny thing is this - the OW hurt me too, she lead me to believe something that wasn't true (that she would give up everything for me - when the chips fell, she stuck with her H and moved 2000 miles away - actually it was the right decision, I know that now) - the pain of her "dumping" me has not had the same effect of the pain from my W's actions....

So why do I still have those in love, mushy feelings for OW? Why hasn't the pain and disappointment from that brief and now defunct relationship driven those feelings out of me - is it because my W did what she did over a period of years, and it's only been 6 months since OW left - and from her last intrusion 3 weeks ago - I still feel like she wants me, loves me, but just can't bring herself to destroy 2 families - therefore letting me think she hasn't rejected me per se, but it's just the cards we were dealt...

I know I'm thinking out loud here, but maybe someone can see some flaws in my thinking - of course, emotional stuff is usually completely devoid of any kind of logical reasoning - so I guess I just have to wait for the feelings for OW to go away, and wait for the feelings for my W to return????

Help!

Feelings follow actions.

Perform 5 loving acts toward your W every day for the next two weeks ....without expectations of anything what-so-ever in return.

Then tell us what happened.

I know you're holding out on me ... I can just "feel it" ... LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

IMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> There is a huge difference in the relationship your have with your W as compared to one with FOW. I know, I know, that's obvious you are saying to yourself! Let me explain.

Your marriage is reality based. There are problems, kids, in-laws (oops, sorry, that's my baggage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), bills, mortgage payments etc.,etc.. You and your W see one another in the real light of day. The practical realities of day to day life make it pretty hard to be warm and fuzzy all the time. It's possible to have that back but, you'll have to work at it. Make the effort. Another fact. Infatuation is the feeling that involves the warm, mushy feelings you were talking about. Believe it or not love is reality based, you see your partner and all their flaws and accept in spite of themselves.

Your relationship with the OW was a fantsy, an escape. Harsh realities didn't intrude. The two of you didn't have to deal with the ongoing realities of daily life. It was a close a one can get to a dream world and still be awake. If you have the warm, mushy feelings towards OW but, weren't too upset when she left then guess what???? You were INFATUATED with her, not in love with her. Here's another 'smack in the head' for ya! The fact you say your W's actions bothered you more is a pretty good indication you still love her and all her flaws...that's the real thing kiddo!

Finally, you must realize the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. Once you feel nothing at all then that's pretty much the end.

5 ideas to love and woo your W today:

1. Place your hands gently around her face, look directly into her eyes and say, "You are so beautiful."

2. Hold her hand when you are sitting next to her on the couch watching TV.

3. Inform her you will take care of her car for her today, get it washed, and fill it with gas. Then place an "ILU" note on the steering wheel when you are finished.

4. When you leave the house today, make sure you find her wherever she is, draw her gently to you, and give her a mouth kiss lasting more than 15 seconds. Then say, "See you later, my love." before you go.

5. Before going to bed, ask her if she would like her neck and shoulders massaged. If she says yes, give her a 10 minute massage, but, do not initiate sex unless she does first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hopless Romantic" ....... time to EARN your NAME!

Feelings follow actions.

If you do simple things such as these for 2 full weeks .... all the while putting a muzzle on your "taker" .... you will impress your W far beyond any " you need therapy" remarks you've made so far !

I guar-on-tee!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>