I posted here a few month ago but stopped after a while because it became too hard for me to even write about my life much less see it in print. I have been lurking ever since off and on and now Spacecase has kind of nudged me back. I do so today because I just started plan B and maybe someone can learn something (mostly what NOT to do) from my ongoing story.

We have been married 12 years, no children, both professionals. WE had a pleasant life and did everything together. H dropped the bomb almost three years ago. He told me that there was another woman, that he wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with him. I never saw it coming, was in total shock and assumed he would be leaving me soon. We talked a lot, he did not leave and he "decided" to end it with her about a month later. She lives in another city and he went there to "say goodbye". At least that's what I thought. Instead he resumed phone contact 2 weeks later and started the lies , the deception and got better and better at hiding his continued affair ( mostly EA).

The A had started four years before D day after my H had a severe illness. He said it started because he felt diminished and old and she made him feel young. She made him feel alive. Forget the fact that when we first met he told me those exact words. She had been his girlfriend at University and they had continued to write each other about once a year after they split up. He never told me this and i had no idea she even existed. She had married and has two children and was still married when they hooked up again. She has since divorced. Apparently her husband had an affair but probably also she wanted my H by this time.

Anyway, the punch line to this story is that for the past 3 years I have done everything I could think of to get him to end his R with her. I did the good (plan A) at times, and the bad (lots and lots of LBs) I won't go into details but basically we had the typical case of fence sitting H and enabling W. I only recently realised that he and only he can decide to end his affair. There is nothing I can do. Was it all a waste of time? no because I needed to go through this to get where I am now but it could have been shorter.

The situation was never going to end since things were OK at home most of the time and she seemed to go along with him being at home. I once asked him why she was still hanging on after so many years. The answer was: she thinks we will be together someday. I translated that that is what he was telling her. Very hard to take believe me.

So 2 month ago I decided to go to plan B and took going on a month long vacation abroad with my family and without him as the best way to "ease" into plan B. The vacation went OK and we have been separated ever since. I have been back two and a half weeks.

So what Have learned so far?

1/ I waited too long to go to plan B and did not speak to Steve Harley early enough and often enough. Thought I could do it on my own. WRONG. He would have helped me do a better plan A. We did go to a MC but all that did was give him a forum to confirm that he was going to continue to have a relationship with her ( she is only a friend routine) and that "he would continue to pretend to be married to me" as he had so far and this indefinitely. Now that was hard to hear. Almost killed me.

2/ I enabled him to sit on the fence by making his home life pleasurable and easy. Why would he stop if he could have both. No demands or at least inconsistent ones from me and apparently none from her although I think they "broke up" for a couple of weeks. He was very depressed at the time and said she was going on with her life and was going on vacation with another guy. I should have known that his sudden recovery had something to do with the resumption of the A. It is amazing what we can learn form unspoken clues from our spouses.

3/ The pain I have endured is unbelievable and I often wonder why I went along for so long. What are my motivations? Is there more to it than my love for him? Am I afraid of ending up alone and losing what we had? A little like what he tells me about himself. Did I sit on a fence as well?

So after 6 weeks of separation, I am on the horrible roller coaster that everyone talks about. I go from absolute optimism to sheer despair within hours. It took only a short conversation with my MIL yesterday to throw me off completely. On the other hand we could not go on any longer and I have a great sense of relief because I don't have to deal with the hiding and the suspicion and lies everyday. But I am riddled with doubt. Did I do the right thing? is there something more I could have said? I don't think so. We said it all over and over and it was time for a complete 180 turn in what I was doing. But mostly I could not continue with the pain.

What I need from you all is encouragement. What I have to offer is answers to questions you may have that could help you with your situation. I am no expert. I only have an unfortunately long experience in dealing with a fence sitting H and being the enabler to his addiction.

Oh my goodness ML...I'm so sorry for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Did you send WH a Plan B letter? Have you seen any kind of response from him? I'm just curious how "easing" in to Plan B has worked for you. H and I did plenty of "easing" our way in to the more uncomfortable situations, and we almost made it easy for us to divorce. As hard as it is, I think an abrupt, unexpected Plan B offers more shock factor and tends to work more effectively. Do you have a counselor helping you through the more difficult times? I hope things turn around for you.

Quite a story, Mapleleaf...I'm glad you decided to share it with us.

You will find a lot of support, ideas, and encouragement here.

Tell us, did you give him a Plan B letter? Does he know what he needs to do for you to come back?
How has he reacted? Has he contacted you?

H4F, you posted while I was reading ML's story and composed me response... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That's what eatin Skittles for breakfast will do for you. SPEEEEEED <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hope4future,
Thank you for your wishes.
I did give him a short plan B letter the day I left. He has not commented on it. The easing was meant more for me than for him. I had asked him to leave before and he would not. He was supposed to come on vacation with me and I asked him not to. I did not know if he would be home when I returned. Instead I found a short note telling me he had found an appartment close by which is clear across town from where he works. He took nothing with him except a piece of foam he uses as a bed and cups, plates and cutlery. No TV although we have two, no furniture. His appartment is unfurnished and he says it is bleak. No kidding.
I saw him once since my return to deal with bills and things. We ended up talking OR and he said he did not want this, that he wanted our old life back and that he needed to finish the major kitchen renovation we started 2 years ago exactly. I guess we are slow in everything!

I did not comment and I have heard it all before when we separated for a month last year. I let him come back and after a couple of weeks we were back at square one. I am not about to do it again. This is a real plan B and it will only stop if and when he walks the walk. In the meantime, I miss him, and have not stopped loving him something my sister says she can't understand at all. Goes to show you have to have been there to understand.

mapleleaf:

Have you considered anti depressants? I didn't see mention of them in your post. I "tried" a plan B of sorts a few weeks ago for a week, but I had not C'd with Steve before that time, and I wasn't on anti-Ds. I ended up spending too much time fretting over my situation and what my W was thinking/doing, and posting to the forum, and NOT GETTIN ENOUGH SLEEP. Since I came back after an emotional crash, I've been taking prozac. For me, it's worked wonders. My situation hasn't changed fundamentally, but I have avoided LBing since I got back. Also started Cing with Steve, who urged me to avoid R talks until he helps me figure out what I need to do. Most of my ability to remain calm, knowing that contact probably continues, I attribute to the anti depressants.

It's worth a thought if you're not already taking them.

Thank you all for your responses.

2long, yes I just went to the pharmacy to get an antidepressant and am starting today. I took an antidepressant the last time we separated and it did take the edge off. You are right it did not change the situation but it made it seem less painful. I was less panicky and more able to reason with myself if not with H.

SC, My plan B letter was not as well constructed as the one you showed us but I am pretty sure H knows what is needed before he can come back. I also believe he thinks it will be like last time and I will take him back quickly and he won't have to do what is needed, hence the empty apartment. SH said that in a month I should send another one to remind him why we are where we are and that letter will be more like yours. I have been working on it. Took yours and began modifying it to fit my situation.

Today I feel really down, empty and lacking hope. One of those days. Fortunately I am going out with people from work tonight and that should be fun although the dinner is for one of my coworkers who is retiring and it is a big loss for me as we worked together so well.

Monday I am going to see an IC for the second time. SH said to be careful that this person does not steer me to end my marriage. I am going because I need to deal with the losses that come from infedility: loss of trust in my H but also anyone, loss of hope in the future and in future relationships. I want to figure out why I waited so long to break the cycle. Am I like a battered woman who takes the hits and then forgives as soon as the batterer comes on with charm. That scares me because it would mean that I don't value myself so why should H. I used to think I was pretty sure of myself. I used to believe that I was good in my profession, good looking, fit and usually got along well with people. Sounds pretentious but I also knew my limitations. But now I don't know anymore. All I know is I have to find myself again.

As you can see I am not at my best, so I will quit my pity party and focus on tonight.

Today is not starting too well for me. The dinner was fun but all through the evening thoughts of my H kept creeping back. How I wanted him to be there with us. This took place at a tennis club we had just joined. One of those places where you have to be sponsored by club members to join. He told me after we were accepted that he did not really want to join the club, that I made him do it. When I reminded him that I asked all through the long process if he wanted us to join, he always said yes, let's go for it. We have only played once together 2 month ago and went there together for a BBQ and once for dinner but I could tell he was ill at ease as though he did not feel he belonged there. I wonder if it made feel trapped in our marriage?

My H likes to play tennis but he has not made the effort to find partners to play with. I don't know why this is. A week ago he left a message on the answering machine to ask if I wanted to play tennis with him either that day or the following week. I was not in town and I never replied since I am in plan B. I have not heard from him since except for a short email telling me about dealing with our income tax in September.

This morning I feel really down. I really need someone to give me a push. It's the week-end and I keep thinking that he is with her and getting farther and farther away from us. We are separated mainly because I needed to get away from the pain and detach from him and extract myself from the soap opera our life had become but the pain is still there of course and I think of him all the time.

I am working through the week-end and I hope this will help me get my mind off things.

Any encouragement would help me today.

Dear Mapleleaf,

Your need to go to plan B is for the right reasons. I certainly understand about the need for support at this time. You are also hurt that your H has to live in squalor but that is not your choice it is his. It is his choice because he was not able to live with his family and treat them with respect. Lies and deception are not to be considered as respectful treatment.

If you have been here a while, take a look at LOR's posts. Sometimes she talks about her recovery process and has been helpful for me.

This is a hard but crucial time for you right now. Post and vent here as often as you need to keep in contact with Steve H. He is a good at helping you keep it together for you and your family.

take care,
L.

Hey ML!
Sorry I didn't see you post this morning and just saw it now.

Hope you're doing better. I'll be around and checking up on you, OK?

Glad you found my Plan B letter useful. I compiled a collection of many of these, which you can see here:

Sample PLAN B Letters

Be strong, ML, you are getting close to where he'll start to feel your loss, and watch for the signals he'll start sending. Be firm, don't let him back in easily, make him prove himself with consistent, respectful behavior.

You deserve it, you are a better person that what he's shown you. Make sure he demonstrates that to you now.

Take a look at the Plan B letters we've posted, write yours, tell him what he needs to do for you to consider letting him come back.

Post it here, we'll critique it, and then when you're happy with it, have Steve look at it too, and then send it.

BIG HUG!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid, thank you for your support. I love your posts , you are so on top of things. I know that I had no choice but to go to plan B at this point and as hard as it is, it is much easier than dealing with the pain inflicted on me by our situation.

SC, You are so good to me. Your words always help me. You are my rock.

My H came over this afternoon to pick up his mail. He took his time reading each letter, spent some time in his office looking for something important that we have misplaced then came down to the kitchen where I was. He sat down and started an OR talk. This is so unusual for him that I did not stop him. I have always been the one to initiate OR talks before.

I was very calm during the talk, listened rather than talked and am generally proud of how I conducted myself. In the past my H would easily succeed in pushing mu buttons.

To make a long conversation short let me give you my interpretation of what was said.

1/ he wants our marriage to work out. To which I replied : so do I. So far so good.

2/ BUT... I want something that he cannot give me which is his stopping his calls to OW. They are unconsequential and if I understood him I would see that. I also want him to love me. He then corrected himself and said I want him to be in love with me. Apparently that's not possible and I said I agreed, it had to come from him.

3/ He said that sometimes people don't let others love them. I understood this was aimed at me so I asked him to explain. He said that I did things that kept him from loving me. For instance I don't let him read or sleep. My H hits the sack as soon as he gets home and reads a bit then sleeps until dinner. I don't mind that because I like to cook and he does so many other things that this is not a problem. I did complain on some week-ends when we would end up doing nothing. He would go right back to bed after breakfast and only get up for lunch and back to bed. Not my idea of fun. He also said that I don't want him to snowboard. In reality I encouraged him to start, was thrilled that he was enthusiastic about something new, went with him to buy the equipment (he even asked for my advice about the colour of the board). I told him that I was sorry that he had this perception of all those events and left it at that.

So here we are, separated since end of June, and he has the same story: everything would be all right between us if I only let him sit on the fence. It is discouraging but not surprising. Why would he change his mind. I have done all the work by coming to this board, by reading every relationship book known to man and all he has done so far is continue his chats and, lately, "visits" with OW.

My sister says I should not have talked to him , not been there and that she can tell that I haven't let go so he must see it too. She is right and I must correct that.
When he left I asked him to take some stuff for his empty apparment but he said no, some other time.

Any comments, my friends?

ML;
It sounds like he's trying, once again, to negotiate your surrender. To accept his partial "love", to accept his "friendship" with the OW, and to sacrifice your self-respect for his weaknesses and lack of moral fiber. To allow him these concessions so that he does not have to face himself, his demons, and not have to make the hard choices he knows he must make.

Stand firm; make yourself be respected and loved as you deserve. Spell it out for him, and let him face himself, by himself. Remove your love and the security you provide for him. Let him feel what it is like to not have you. Then he will have to choose.

Be strong. Be firm. Protect yourself from his disrespect.

SC, thank you for your words of wisdom. Do you think I should him this letter or wait a while and do you have comments on the letter. I plagiorised (sp?) big time from your letter so it will sound very familiar.

My Dear (H),

This is a difficult letter for me to write. Please read every word I have written, for they come from the heart.

I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with (OW) possible. I was not able to see the extent of your pain at a difficult time in your life and was unable to help you when you needed me the most. I regret it but the past cannot be changed. Lately I have tried many times to get into your shoes and try to understand and while I do understand more than you think, I cannot accept a marriage as you define it.

Our marriage has not suffered only from difficulties in communicating; it is, to a great extent, because your emotions and intimacy were focused elsewhere and so you were incapable of being truly intimate with me during that time. In all our dealings you had to be on your guard, so nothing would be revealed that might show just what you and your "friend" had done to us. You had to keep everything to yourself. It must have been very hard for you to keep that up for so long. And how lonely for you to be constantly next to someone you could not confide in.

I know you have been in constant contact with her and still are. I do not condone it, or like it, but I have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I respect your decision. All these years you elected not to make a choice, and sadly, I had to make the choice to remove myself from your triangle. It had become just too painful. I sincerely hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you will find the peace and happiness that seem to elude you. You have been and still are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish you any harm or ill.

It means a great deal to me that you care enough to have kept trying. But exactly what did you expect to accomplish? And when? I honestly don't know. It seems you are trying to get me to accept that your relationship with this other woman is going to somehow be harmless to our marriage in spite of the history, and that your secret second life does not affect us and is only yours. It is not yours alone. It involved me from the start even when I was not aware of it and it involves me now even while separated from you. The harm of your affair has been done, and can never really be undone. It can be forgiven, but the relationship must end, forever, in order for that to happen. While forgiveness is a gift and we can choose to forgive each other for our mistakes, trust must be earned. I am not able to rebuild my trust in you if you insist on maintaining a "private" and secret life with another woman. And without trust no relationship can survive. I don&#8217;t blame you for what has happened. You did what you felt you needed to do at a difficult time in your life. Can anyone in all honesty cast the proverbial first stone? You did not feel you could turn to me and that is my failing.

Marriage is an agreement freely entered into by two people to mutually agreed terms - for us that meant we committed ourselves to love, honor and cherish each other, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, and keeping ourselves only unto each other. That's what we said. You have changed the terms of this agreement and I do not agree to these new terms to which you seem to feel entitled. I have tried for three years to do this, but I have found out by trying that I am not the kind of person who can accommodate you in this. I love you very much but I can no longer suffer your divided love. It hurts too much.

You already know what I think. I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well being. I cannot commit to marriage on any terms other than those. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I&#8217;ve made in the past and discuss ways for us to create a new life that will meet both our needs. I cannot do that until you end all relationships and emotional commitments that require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our marriage and hurts me. Perhaps someday you will feel the need for the emotional connection that is necessary to create the intimacy and commitment to make our marriage work. At that time I will be happy to discuss our future together but until then I choose to have as little contact with you as possible. This is very difficult for me, believe me, but I have no choice but to protect myself and preserve the love I have for you. I want to hang on to the beautiful memories of our life together not create painful ones.

When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly, truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for many wonderful years it was enough.

I understand how difficult all this is for you as well but we cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by concealing your other relationship, things would work themselves out and that by splitting yourself we could have a fulfilling life together. I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I want you to come back to me emotionally but I know that can only come from you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I believe in you. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. You made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. You deserve to be as proud as I am of your accomplishments as a man, and as a doctor. I want to be your best friend, someone you can turn to when you are sad or mad or unhappy. And I want you to be my best friend again. We can only get there if we both want it.

All my love,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mapleleaf:
<strong>SC, thank you for your words of wisdom. Do you think I should him this letter or wait a while and do you have comments on the letter. I plagiorised (sp?) big time from your letter so it will sound very familiar.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ML, I think we should help you work on the letter, and you should discuss this with Steve also; he will help you prepare and plan and be ready for what will come. He will also help you with the letter. No need to rush into this, best to do it right.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My Dear (H),

This is a difficult letter for me to write. Please read every word I have written, for they come from the heart.

I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with (OW) possible. I was not able to see the extent of your pain at a difficult time in your life and was unable to help you when you needed me the most. I regret it but the past cannot be changed. Lately I have tried many times to get into your shoes and try to understand and while I do understand more than you think, I cannot accept a marriage as you define it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The part above looks good to me.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Our marriage has not suffered only from difficulties in communicating; it is, to a great extent, because your emotions and intimacy were focused elsewhere and so you were incapable of being truly intimate with me during that time. In all our dealings you had to be on your guard, so nothing would be revealed that might show just what you and your "friend" had done to us. You had to keep everything to yourself. It must have been very hard for you to keep that up for so long. And how lonely for you to be constantly next to someone you could not confide in.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I like the thoughts and feel these things are important to communicate, perhaps they do not belong in a Plan B letter. It is accusatory and places blame on him. I think you'd be better off removing the paragraph entirely, or change it so that it does not make accusations.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I know you have been in constant contact with her and still are. I do not condone it, or like it, but I have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I respect your decision. All these years you elected not to make a choice, and sadly, I had to make the choice to remove myself from your triangle. It had become just too painful. I sincerely hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you will find the peace and happiness that seem to elude you. You have been and still are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish you any harm or ill.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This one looks good.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It means a great deal to me that you care enough to have kept trying. But exactly what did you expect to accomplish? And when? I honestly don't know. It seems you are trying to get me to accept that your relationship with this other woman is going to somehow be harmless to our marriage in spite of the history, and that your secret second life does not affect us and is only yours. It is not yours alone. It involved me from the start even when I was not aware of it and it involves me now even while separated from you. The harm of your affair has been done, and can never really be undone. It can be forgiven, but the relationship must end, forever, in order for that to happen. While forgiveness is a gift and we can choose to forgive each other for our mistakes, trust must be earned. I am not able to rebuild my trust in you if you insist on maintaining a "private" and secret life with another woman. And without trust no relationship can survive. I don&#8217;t blame you for what has happened. You did what you felt you needed to do at a difficult time in your life. Can anyone in all honesty cast the proverbial first stone? You did not feel you could turn to me and that is my failing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In this one, I'd remove the parts in italics.
Again, remember this is a love letter, not a forum to vent or to make accusations and judgments.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Marriage is an agreement freely entered into by two people to mutually agreed terms - for us that meant we committed ourselves to love, honor and cherish each other, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, and keeping ourselves only unto each other. That's what we said. You have changed the terms of this agreement and I do not agree to these new terms to which you seem to feel entitled. I have tried for three years to do this, but I have found out by trying that I am not the kind of person who can accommodate you in this. I love you very much but I can no longer suffer your divided love. It hurts too much.

You already know what I think. I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well being. I cannot commit to marriage on any terms other than those. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I&#8217;ve made in the past and discuss ways for us to create a new life that will meet both our needs. I cannot do that until you end all relationships and emotional commitments that require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our marriage and hurts me. Perhaps someday you will feel the need for the emotional connection that is necessary to create the intimacy and commitment to make our marriage work. At that time I will be happy to discuss our future together but until then I choose to have as little contact with you as possible. This is very difficult for me, believe me, but I have no choice but to protect myself and preserve the love I have for you. I want to hang on to the beautiful memories of our life together not create painful ones. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like this part. If anything, I'd clarify the part about making the emotional connection. Maybe something like this:
"We should get help in order to help us re-establish our love and emotional connection. This will be necessary in order for our marriage to thrive."

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly, truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for many wonderful years it was enough.

I understand how difficult all this is for you as well but we cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by concealing your other relationship, things would work themselves out and that by splitting yourself we could have a fulfilling life together. I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I want you to come back to me emotionally but I know that can only come from you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I believe in you. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. You made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. You deserve to be as proud as I am of your accomplishments as a man, and as a doctor. I want to be your best friend, someone you can turn to when you are sad or mad or unhappy. And I want you to be my best friend again. We can only get there if we both want it.

All my love, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love this part! Good job ML <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Got this email from my H this morning.

"It is always particularly emotional to see you, as was the case yesterday. When I'm with you I want everything to work out for us. It seems that we are getting further apart and it is getting worse. It feels like a ratchet mechanism that doesn't give up any ground. I'm not sure how to approach the situation but it concerns me of course. It is difficult for me to do things to settle into my appartment like getting furniture and cooking because I don't like being there on my own".

I don't know what to think of it. Any ideas?

I sent him a short reply telling that I felt the same. That I was convinced that we could be very happy together but that neither one knew how to go about it. That we needed outside help. that I had talked to SH last week and that he might want to do the same. That was up to him. no pressure. And I gave him SH's phone #.

So what do you all think?

Excellent response ML! Excellent!

If he takes you up on it and starts Cing w/Steve, you will have a better chance of recovering. Keep working on your Plan B letter, wait for his response to Cing, and decide with Steve what to do next.

Positive development, ML. This is good. BUT; don't make too much of it. WSs tend to say the right things to get what they want; make sure his actions back up his words, and he does it consistently before you allow him back or do anything else for him. Cautious optimism.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Mapleleaf,

Of all the plan B letters I have read, I think yours is the one that is the most well thought out. You wrote with feeling yet kept things in proper perspective. I applaud you for the way you were able to clearly present your case without making one feel out of place. You defined his choices that he made and where it put you today.

It was well worded and your response to his babbling shows you are handling this well. You showed that you can plan B with dignity, grace and respect.

It may be hard for a while, but deep down I sense your H knows he is losing a good thing. The stuff about him finding it hard to buy furniture and cook in his place is well, an excuse. You probably filled his need there and now he is hurting. Seems like he wants you to go over there and make it all well for him but you know that is not what he really needs.

The WS can get soooo belligerent during the A and when you actually call their bluff and they have to live with their choices, well in many cases, they realize what they are really losing.

So take care and keep up the good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Well H sent me a very short email today:
"Thanks W. I am considering it".

So your guess is as good as mine about what will happen next. Actiona, not words.
Orchid I will definitely not read something that is not there and I am in plna B for the long haul. Thank you for your kind words. There were needed this morning.