lb'd a few days ago... changed passwords on all email... ws thinks I am doing evil to him.. had no idea he was still using our roadrunner acct.. that i have paid for almost 11 mnths? wont even answer my questions about this... accused me of more stuff... yes, he thinks I am evil?

tired of all this anger at me... he is threatening to have my rrunner service disconnected.. did not know he had anything to do with it? hello>

all other bills already in my name.. this one in both... he is irate...

wont answer calls .. calls me late at night and leaves threatening messages.. about turning off email and contacting the police since I broke into his email...like a hissy fit..?

heloo? who is this man, is recovery just a fantasy?

H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Honey - I would say that yes recovery with this person is a fantasy... My husband has also changed into someone that I do not know - though I have somewhat let go and we are now getting divorced but I still am somewhat holding on also.. You have been going through hell for far to long - You need to be happy for yourself and your boys.. Is it worth all of this aggravation... My husband actually wants to now claim one of my girls on his tax returns and I said like no way - that would be like a 1000.00 difference to me and the kids. I have the house and I pay all of the bills and he has a cheap apartment . And he actually had the nerve to say to me "Isn't alright for me to think of myself for a change I am human also?" OK now hello - he cheated on me - he ripped apart my family he left and now he is wondering if it is ok to think about himself.. You know Honey I don't know what happens to people but I know that I don't deserve this pain and you do not either... Why do you think we hold on??? Are we really just afraid?? I mean I know that I love my husband but this person that he is now I don't know who he is and I don't know how he got this way - Most of the time he had me thinking that it was something that I did - I know I did nothing but I still feel sorry most of the time.. We need to let go - You need to let go - You are worthy of love and you do not deserve the pain....

hi maw.. sounds like my h... have not done my taxes.. oops.. I better, and he is just the same.. wants to claim both kids.. guess what he gives us no money... well did for the part of last yr he lived with us.. but get real... he is broke and I know that is driving his insanity... I am sick sick sick of this mess... it is driving me nuts ! I think he should be the one to suffer, not us.. for his mistakes. thanks, h <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Honey,

Have you thought about getting a separation agreement to make him pay some support for the kids. He really needs to have a reality check

Honey - GoingCrazy is right you need to do something legal - maybe that will ease your anxiety about the situation. Let me tell you I am overwhelmed at night thinking about oh my god it is just me I have to do everything - he is going to be a bowling/putt putt father and he thinks that that is alright - Fortunately for me he puts money into my checking account weekly automatically - but that is his guilt talking he doesn't want anyone to think that he is taking care of his kids but what he doesn't realize is that he really in all sense of the word is giving up his kids.. My girls are 9 and 12 and once I finally decided to let go a little bit and he moved out and we don't fight anymore well not all of the time - my girls are like 100% better - they don't want us to get divorced but more than that they don't want us to hate each other - and they don't want to see their dad cause me anymore pain. You have got to do something legal and you have got to stop letting him manipulate you - and I need to take my own advice for sure - I totally know how much easier said than done but you have really got to let go....

thanks for advice.. on my way to yoga... but anyway.. thinking of filing.. in tex. have to file for the big d to get anything going on support... hard to do that when he doesnt have proof of income anyway... builds some websites and says he has no money to give us... I have more than him, etc. ridiculous... anyway, it is getting old... I still love him and would help him... but he has to help us too... I am not mommy.

thanks, h

have you talked to a lawyer to make sure or maybe call the courthouse and ask a clerk?

Honey - I think you should call someone and clarify that because what happens to the people who aren't married - the father of the child still has to pay for child support - I would think that you are entitled and if he doesn't have a job tell him to bad get one.. You are letting him walk all over you - give him the shock of reality sue him for child support - there has got to be a way ..... He is after all their father and he isn't paying for their upbringing... You are not his mother - so you need to stop treating him like he is your child.. You need to toughen up...

Honey,

I think that sometimes using abbreviations like lb detracts from the full meaning of the term and makes it sound more like an "oops, that little thing?" instead of what it really is which is Love BUSTING.

Honey said:
lb'd a few days ago... changed passwords on all email... ws thinks I am doing evil to him.

By your own admission you Love Busted your WS, which means that something you DID caused a love unit withdrawal from his love bank (which seems to have been operating in the red for some time now). Why are you surprised at your WS's view of your Love Busting behavior?

Honey said:
heloo? who is this man, is recovery just a fantasy?

Unfortunately, it is looking like YOUR recovery might be a fantasy. Focus on Honey, go to Al-Anon, take care of your boys. Don't use your time and energy for Love Busting tactics no matter how much attention you get from your WS when you do this--it's not the kind of attention that amounts to anything good.

maw said:
You need to be happy for yourself and your boys

I believe that *happy* is a state of mind and I believe that you are *happy* when you are getting your WS's attention, no matter what kind of attention it is or at what cost to you and your boys. I encourage you to be *responsible* for yourself and your boys and let being *happy* take care of itself. In other words, I encourage you to do the opposite of what your WS is doing--someone should and if you don't, who will?

Honey said:
I am sick sick sick of this mess... it is driving me nuts !

It has been said many times that the spouse of the alcoholic ends up much *sicker* than the alcoholic--and in my own case this was true. Keep going Al-Anon and read everything you can on the subject of the effects on the spouse. If you can, get into counseling with someone who specializes in treating alcoholic families. You don't have to stay sick Honey and you don't have to be nuts either. You can heal--and you can change the foundation that BOTH YOU AND YOUR WS have given your boys.

Honey said:
I still love him and would help him... but he has to help us too

You have to help YOURSELF FIRST Honey. Your WS CANNOT help you--he can't even help himself right now. If you want to be able to help him someday if he should want your help, you must first have helped yourself by healing from your own PARTICIPATION IN and EFFECTS of this disease.

You have time Honey, your boys are still young--use it well.

HOney is correct in TX, there is no legal seperation. You file for D, get temp orders, and then deal with the rest, you can delay the rest for a long time, I have.

There's no legal separation in TX, but what about abandonment? I think that's worth looking into, and in fact is one of the factors in my designing my Plan B the way I have; to avoid possible abandonment issues.

so what happens in cases of abandonment... h was concerned about abandonement hissues when he left.. he had some money- andgave us 25%- now he has enough to survive for him only and give s us none.. whats the abandonement issue , there? h .. thanks for the advice.

h <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Honey it's obvious that you are totally unhappy and have been for a long time. Now you have choices to make.

1.You can stay where you are and hope he comes back.
2.You can file for divorce and get support while not pursuing the divorce.
3.You can file for divorce and move on with your life.

I opt for 3 simply because as it stands, your H is living a single life with no responsibility for his children or his wife. He's enjoying it and he's not going to change.

It's time to take back the power and do things right. Make him support the boys. The judge will gladly tell him to cook burgers at McDonald's if that's all he can find. You need to be in control of your life and right now you have instead, handed that power to him.

Also, I don't know about Texas, but here we have to have a monthly accounting of what our "needs" are. I don't think any judge will take kindly to hearing you say you need money while you're spending on new clothes, hairdos, facials, yoga, gyms, etc. If you really need his money then tone down your spending and show the judge what you really need.

TD- and Yet Again... thanks for the bashing but no thanks... no it wasnt all bashing... but tlking about getting a haircut or some exercise.. or an lb to this monster... oh my? sorry, I just do not want to be bashed... I deserve a decent normal life.... sorry my stand. of living is way down since this seperation.... and I am just trying to take care of me...

maybe I just shouldnt post..? I know some of you tough lovers out there are nice and tough, but sorry I am not... and post here for support... thanks, h

Quick thought:

Honey, if you file the D papers(which you can take your own sweet time with and not have to ush to finality)the judge can order support and force him to get a job. If this happens it might also force him to take a serious look at his drinking. Right now he doesn't have to because the people around him are just as messed up as he is. At a job he'll be around people not like himself and his alcoholism may come to light for him somewhat. You have nothing left to lose and you and the kids deserve some financial support. Doing this might be the best thing for him and push him in the right direction. You don't have to finalize the D but maybe you should think about filing to get some temp orders in place, you guys can always drop it later. You want him home and healthy again and this might be your last, best chance.

Just some food for thought.

Hi Honey,
I agree w/ Nudli...that is what I had to do to get support rolling. I filed the papers in Feb. and just starting receiving support in July. It doesn't usually take that long to get the support started. Anywya..Think about it. It would help you in getting support started and maybe it will wake the man up! Good luck and God bless!
BH

thanks for more support.. alcoholism is the key issue in my case, and it is a sad disease,,- who says if I can squeak by... ws should pay nothing... well that is what he says...

I am unhappy he pays nothing... and says well you have enough... so dont worry about me...

bl;ah blah. . thanks, h

WS is wrong and we all know this. Also, Honey, even if you put int temp orders you know he'll be too lazy to move anything along, you will have total control in this and that is really what you need. Right now you have no control and no support. The kids do not deserve this, school is starting and they'll need clothes and supplies, WS has to help you with this, they are his children.
Please consider filing temp orders to protect them and maybe lead WS to helping himself. Right now you are contributing to allowing him to play the fool, get the courts involved so he can't do it anymore and get away with it. Give yourself a little power in this situation, I'm betting that you will feel much better and more empowered when you do.
Remember, it doesn't have to go to D unless you push it to, but at least you and the kids will get what you are due and ws may have to take a look at himself and what he's doing.

Honey I wasn't bashing you. What I said was totally serious. When my sister filed for D and asked for a temporary support order the judge gave her a very low amount because her H had records of all the credit card purchases she made along with copies of cancelled checks that paid her health club fees, her hair appointments etc. Don't take everything as a bashing. People are trying to help you.

Hi Honey,

Honey said:
TD- and Yet Again... thanks for the bashing but no thanks

I sincerely apologize if I was bashing you. Even though I may have gone over the top, I want you to know that it was due to overexuberance because I really feel badly for you, your boys, and your situation. Again, I sincerely apologize.

Honey said:
I deserve a decent normal life

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

Honey said:
I know some of you tough lovers out there are nice and tough, but sorry I am not... and post here for support

My intent was to support you Honey. I can see that the kind of support I can offer you is not the kind of support you are seeking. I will refrain from replying to your posts (if I happen to forget, will you give me a reminder please?) but I will still keep up with your story and will still keep you and your boys in my prayers.

Take care Honey