I thought since Danni thread was so good that the men needed to know what the woman wanted in a relationship. My wifes were affection and recreational companionship. Honesty is probably a big issue now too. Hope we get lots of feedback so we can see were we need to work on comforting our spouses and making our marriages better.

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Hi cajunky,

I would love for my WH to just show some excitement that he wants to be with me. Yes, honesty is now my #1 EN due to all the lies and I would LOVE for my H to be honest about the last 2-3 years of his life. Yes, I've been with him but I'm clueless about who he really is.

I think admiration and affection would be the next ones for me. I don't need big expensive gifts, just little notes in my lunch or an affectionate email. My H knows I like to email yet he claims to hate it (although he was always hot and heavy with the other women on email and IM). I would love a return email from him that has substance to it. I would like to know that he cares about my emails as much as the other women did.

I would love for my H to be able to discuss issues with me without it being an arguement. We have different views on so many things and HIS opinion is always the right one.

My H used to put notes on the wall in the hall for when I got home... he was creative as hell.

My H just doesn't seem interested in me and it hurts... a lot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

HONESTY!!!! After that I need SF, which means passion, not just going through the motions. Affection... to be honest, I want it all.

-mcnyh

My book recommendation of the week is "What Women Want Men To Know" by Barbara DeAngelis. It was out on a special promo rack in the store, noticed it, picked it up, and it looks really good... lots of practical insights into the female mind. "Knowing thy enemy"?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

My no. 1 EN used to be Quality Time - I wanted my H to want to spend time with me alone - maybe this means I wanted affirmation from him. I enjoyed being with my H - I thought we enjoyed doing the same kinds of things - and he seemed to enjoy doing the same kinds of things with me, too. But as the years went by, the Quality Time never seemed to happen. When we planned vacations, it was always going to visit friends - my H is very sociable and talented in his field (music) - he would lap up all the attention our friends gave him while I would end up doing the babysitting of both our kids and theirs. The side trips we planned to do on the way ended up never happening - H would change plans to stay with friends longer and we wouldn't have time for the side trip alone. Tight budget made going out to dinner alone "impossible".

Now I don't know what my top EN's are - I am not sure I like being with my H that much anymore - I realize I enjoy things my H doesn't enjoy. We are interested in different things now, so conversation is difficult - what interests me bores him and vice-versa. I want affection from him - nice touching that isn't sexual - the reassuring touch which is little hugs and kisses, an arm around the shoulder or waist, stroking my hair - just the little things that say "I love you, are you OK? I care. " I need to be appreciated for what I do - if I iron and fold his clothes along with the rest of the family's things, it would be nice if I saw him put them away in his drawer, instead of leaving them where I put them and they get all messed up again, then when he wants a T-shirt, he comes and says "aren't there any clean clothes?" etc. I would like him to clear his own plates away from the table - I am not the household slave.

Yes, I would like to get e-mails from my H. He has only ever sent me one. He e-mailed the OW almost daily. I have written my H letters and cards, (which he likes) - he hasn't spontaneously given me anything like that. Flowers to apologize with. It would be nice to get flowers that weren't because he wanted to apologize.

It would be nice if he would take me shopping spontaneously and say, "let's get you something new to wear that YOU would like" - instead of coughing up some money for something I need (new shoes) whenever he buys himself something, just so he doesn't have to feel guilty about spending money on himself.

I suppose wanting to spend "special" alone time with me would still be tops for me, if we could just fall back in love again.

LIR

bump

I guess my top needs are similar to those previously posted.

My #1 need right now, is Openness. To me it's different from Honesty, which is my need #2. To me openness means being completely open about himself -- his past and current behavior, his feelings, his wants...just being Open!

As I said, Honesty is a HUGE need, too (obviously a product of our past).

I love it when H acknowledges and appreciates me. I don't want to be put on a pedestal (not comfortable with that). But I would love to hear him say things like "You look fantastic in that dress." or... "That was very sweet of you." or... "I appreciate that you did <whatever> for me." or just... "I appreciate YOU!"

Guys, don't just show appreciation for what we DO for you. We need to know you love and appreciate us just because we're us!

Affection is also a big need of mine. Affection that says "I just want to be near you", not "I need sex". Tho, SF is pretty high on my list, too.

We already know you men need us. Make us feel WANTED!

Those are just a few of my thoughts on the subject. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lori

What I want is a man whom when I look into his eyes, I feel comfort and peace. I want someone who makes me feel good about myself, someone who likes the stupid things I do,like dancing with my boys. I want someone who offers to watch the kids so I can take a bath after a long day. I want someone who loves my boys with all of their heart and wants nothing but the best for them.

Honesty...Friendship...Affection...SF...Family. I guess right now I would just like to feel like he wants to be with me. I am willing to share H with his job and hobbies as long as I know I am number one and he would drop anything for me if I asked. I would like to be first on his list.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Twinkles:
<strong> I would like to be first on his list.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly! No woman wants to feel that her H is only with her because he didn't have anything more important to do.

Totally makes my day to know he enjoys being with me and that I've made him happy! I LOVE when H smiles at me -- for any reason! An obviously happy H is a turn-on for many women, believe it or not.

Lori

Hit the nail on the head, Twinkles! I also want to feel like I am the most important person in his life - like I come first. He can love his job, he can enjoy his hobbies, but I would love to feel as though those things make his life better - that his boys and I are the most important priorities to him. I would love to hear him say it to me - often. It would be great to be called sexy and to be told that I am desirable to him, occasionally. Words are so important - whether in letters, on the phone or on emails - TELL ME what you like about me - however insignificant. At the moment I feel so inadequate compared to "Superwoman" (OW), and to hear his feelings for and thoughts of me would really help.

Little gestures - notes, the odd magazine that he picked up on the way home - a bottle of good wine that he thought I'd like, a joke that he heard and knew I would appreciate, a surprise picnic lunch - anything spontaneous that says "I enjoy your company". And maybe, just once, a "thank you for staying or not throwing me out. I'm so glad we're still together. I love you and I want to grow old with you - I will never hurt you again".

I am so greatful for the replys. I know I am learning from you. Keep them coming.

I want to hear my H say "You're RIGHT, Honey!" and leave it at that. It just feels good. Yeah, I know, I know... I want to be right AND I want to be married... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm working on it...

One time he said that and we both just cracked up. I didn't even realize why I needed to hear him say it so, so much?! It was weird and hilarious all a the same time...

I also want to feel needed by my H. I have a coworker who does his own laundry, and others who pack their own lunches, stuff like that. I, OTOH, love to do these things for my H and I want him to appreciate it and show it and need it. I don't know why? It just makes me feel good.

He has never come out and said point blank, "I need you." But if he did, I think I would just melt right where I stood... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's nice to be needed by your #1.

I want him to get from me what he cannot get from any other person. So I have to ask myself, "What can I give my spouse today that no one else can???? It takes a lot of creativity and energy and work to maintain this level of giving and caring and support. If we don't, things get stale.

cajunky,
I'm going to go out on limb here and assume that one of the reasons men have such a hard time "figuring us out" is that we aren't specific and detailed enough about what we want. The gentlemen who responded to the corresponding thread have done a great job with that so I'll try to do the same.

At this point in my life and in my recovery I would like for my H to see and accept me for who I really am and admire me for it. For example; I went to a girlfriends house over the weekend for a champagne BBQ welcome home she had for a mutual friend. She had thrown the usual Texas BBQ on the grill so I went for a hot dog, one of my favorite comfort foods. Anyway, I have this quirky little habit of eating my hot dogs with caviar (Iknow, I know). As I took a bite, one of the guys there stopped mid-sentence and stared at me, saying that it was the "sexiest thing he'd seen in a long time!" It felt great to be "noticed" again. My H would have seen this as annoying and silly, instead of the way a total stranger saw it. I couldn't help but wonder what character traits his OW had that he might have found annoying if he were married to her, that were instead intriguing and sexy because it was all new to him. It would be really great to feel that I took my H's breath away again; for him to see me as a man would and not let the 9 years of routine and domesticity blind him to the fact that I'm still a woman. Hs... take the time to really look at your wives and see the girl you fell in love with and the woman she's become. If you think there's something that you would like improved upon, take her shopping for lingereie,give her a day at the spa or start exercising with her instead of saying something that might be misconstrued as insulting or waiting for her to fix it herself. Sometimes with all we do, and are expected to do, we forget that we're women, too. Who better to remind us and help us feel beautiful and feminine again that our Hs? You'd be suprised how one of those carefully lit sparks can light a wildfire! On the flip side, if you have a W who already does the things you appreciate, let her know... a lot.

Which brings me to the next BIG ONE. If my H did see me this way one of the things that would be an indicator is the way he would reach out and grab me and kiss me out of the blue! Not because he wants something (like dinner or for me to pick up the dry cleaning) but because he sees something in me he finds irresistable. My H began doing something during our recovery he hasn't done in years; when he comes home, he takes my hand, kisses it, looks me in the eyes, tells me he missed me, and gives me a warm, squishy hug. LET ME TELL YOU, GUYS... HE GETS WHATEVER HE WANTS AFTER HE DOES THAT! Affection and the spirit in which it's given is soooo important. (And do try to be smooth about it!)

If this next one sets us ladies fifty years back, I apologize, but these opinions are meant to be personal. I've been a stay at home mom now for awhile, I'm dying to get back to work again. I like the idea of contributing to the family income and even having my own "discretionary funds" to play with, as well as having adult conversation and what have you... but I have a need to be really taken care of... not just financially (since I am the childrens' primary care provider I'd like to have options) but emotionally, too. I've read a lot of the responses in "What Men Want" and the hero thing is really big. My H IS my hero. I would like to feel safe and protected with him. I think that a great many women have this need and it's one of the reasons that BWs have a different, albeit, just as difficult recovery than BHs. (during an A BWs feel emotionally abandoned by their HERO. For me it was like my HERO died... intentionally at that.) Nothing makes me feel safer and more protected than when I'm being helped down from a ladder, having something carried for me, and yes being cuddled after sex (although my H says the only thing on his mind after SF is "sandwich, beer, sleep... in that order!") etc. You get the idea. Treat your W like a lady... open the doors, pull out the chairs, look into her eyes and hold her close when you ask her about her day, tread lightly when you have an issue with her and address it with compassionate honesty; it should be radical, but it doesn't have to be brutal or insulting; let her know when you're missing her, and let her know what it is about her you missed... you'll get more of it that way; compliment her whenever warranted; let her know that her opinion (about anything) is trusted and valued.

After all this, SF, domestic support and I would even think recreational comapnionship fall neatly into place with little effort. If I think of anything else I'll post it. Hope this helps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Danni C:
<strong>I have a need to be really taken care of...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want him to be the kind of man I respect and admire; I want him to be my hero. I want him to talk to me about his feelings. I want him to leave the room before he farts really loudly and stinkily.

I want him to initiate sex more often. I want him to make decisions, take my opinion and needs and wants into account, but make the damned decision. About anything (where to go for dinner, what to buy the kids, what kind of car, etc.)

I want him to tell me what *he* wants - don't make me guess. Did I already mention initiating sex? I want him to give me a foot massage.

First let me say I noticed the women's replys are longer than the mens'.lol

I need security in my life, marriage. I need to feel safe and protected in both as well. I need to love and be loved. Not just the words but I need him to do a load of laundry just because.

I need a lot less selfishness and more selflessness when it comes to the family.

I need affection and time for just the two of us.

I need a vacation!!!lol

I need to be able to let go and relax and not feel guilty if I take some time for me. I need to know that it is okay if I do.

I need a faithful man.

I found Danni C's thread about "What men want" amazingly insightful - I wrote down a list! Thanks Cajunky for starting this one.

* I need affection OTHER THAN SF - gentle touches, hugs, kisses, having my hand held, and being held at night when we are sleeping. It's reassuring! One sweet thing my H used to do that I really miss is when we would sit down to watch a rented movie, now and again during the movie he would snap his fingers (from the couch next to mine) meaning he wanted to hold my hand for a while.
* I need conversation, for extended periods of time, not just 5 minutes before we fall asleep at night. It also needs to be 2 sided, with proper listening and acknowledgement from him (not him playing tricks like changing the subject if he doesn't feel like discussing something.) The best is when we go for a walk together after dinner. Combines recreation and conversation!
* I need to be told regularly that my H loves me, and not feel like I'm the only one that says it.
* I need my H to verbalize what he loves about me, I need compliments to reassure me.
* I need time alone with my H. Recreational time, and just plain old down time (simply watching tv together is always appreciated). Special time like going out on a "dinner and a movie" date is very nice.
* I need my H to put our marriage first before his family. I need him to keep details about our relationship, in particular our disagreements, between us, and not to run to mommy.
* I need my H to treat my family like they are just as important as his own.
* I need my H's close friends to be MEN, not women.
* I need to travel with my H - we always have such a wonderful time when we do so together - if it's for a weekend or for 3 weeks.
* I need my H to support me in whatever I do, such as work.
* I need my H to be more supportive in general and less critical.
* I need my H to admit it when he's wrong without me having to pull teeth first.
* I need to know that we both want our relationship to go in the same direction - kids, etc.
* I need to be able to relax and take time for me without feeling guilty or afraid that I'll get caught relaxing (when my H would rather I was busy doing something useful around the house).
* I need him to be nice to my friends, even if they're not his favourite people.
* I love it when my H gets me very thoughtful gifts, or surprises me with something like a ski weekend he booked as a "just us" getaway.
* I love when he writes poems or thoughtful cards. Incidentally, he hasn't done this as often as he used to.
* I love it when he helps out around the house.
* E-mails from my H that are more than 10 words long (and are about the groceries we need) would be nice too.

Phew! Big list, in no particular order. I think the alone time together, affection other than just SF, and conversation are my top 3 needs though.

Hope that helps the men out there!

Jen

Thanks Jen...yes, very helpful. ...and from what I have read, you deserve it ALL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Willy1:
<strong>Thanks Jen...yes, very helpful. ...and from what I have read, you deserve it ALL.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh my Willy, I wish my H saw things that way. You are too kind. Thanks.

Jen

1. I want him to "spill his guts" to me the way he does with his other women. Share himself and all his emotional "stuff" with me the way he does so easily with them.

2. I need him to shower me with affection, put his arm around me, hold my hand. Gentle loving touches that have nothing to do with wanting sex.

3. I would love for him to listen to my thoughts and ideas with interest and let me know that they have value.

4. It would be so wonderful to have him offer information about his A's with me, notice I say OFFER. The honesty even if it is painful for me would leave my lovebank overflowing.

5. It would be so cool if he could find the energy and motivation to get out of the recliner and participate in the family/household routine. Just join in like he is part of the family instead of a "visitor".

6. I think the greatest thing would be for him to let me know in a very clear way that he feels a genuine commitment to making our marriage a fantastic one. Or if he does NOT feel commited to let me know where he is with that.

7. Finally and most importantly I need to know from him if he has a plan in action to prevent himself from becoming innappropriately involved with other women. (Extraordinary precautions) In other words, what is HIS plan to protect ME? Not what is my plan to get him to stop hurting me.

8. By next week I could have a completely different list, depends on what is happening at the time.

9. Until OW came along, I just kind of coasted along not too worried if I didnt get my needs met, focused on the good things about my H, Minimized his shortcomings, didnt pay much attetion to my own behaviors. But NOW----things are different----I saw first hand that is perfectly capable of meeting a womans needs with flying colors!!!!! That is what hurts me so much, she got things from him that I have never gotten in over 30 years!!!

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