JL and Mrs WLD,
I will think a lot about what you are saying. I am very grateful for your advice. I think this was bad timing to go into Plan B--but what's done is done. I wish I had done it before W LB'd me so badly. Because now, I do have the urge to "educate," because I'm so frustrated, and because I have doubts that she'll ever defog. All of which makes it hard to write a really loving Plan B letter, even if I know the love is probably mostly in there underneath the anger. I'm wondering if there's an added feature to the Love Bank, where sometimes the love gets converted into some foreign currency, like bitterness or frustration, instead of just being withdrawn. There are those around here who say the opposite of love is indifference; I'm definitely not indifferent.
Mrs WLD, at this point, being in Plan B, I can't really get W in touch with you, I guess. I wish I could. I'd like to know though, were you certain in your situation that WLD always kept loving you? In the end, it seems you had to pursue him, once you decided what you wanted. Is that accurate?
BTW, I'll again be going out of town for a little bit--parents' 40th anniversary (Hooray for them!)but will try to keep up if possible.

Yes I was always certain that WLD still loved me. When we were working towards divorce, we still lived in the same house, just different rooms. He was always cordial towards me and still looked out for me. It's kinda hard to pinpoint how I knew that he still loved me...while we were still trying to work on things he always said that he would always love me. So I believed him. The way that we got together was so incredible (me being married before) and now we had 2 children together. I knew that I would always hold a special place in his heart. As he did in mine. When it came close to me getting rid of OM, WLD looked more and more "appealing" for lack of a better way to put it, because he was still meeting some EN's of mine. EVEN THOUGH WE WERE GETTING A DIVORCE. I'm not even sure that he knew he was doing it, but he was. OM sure as sh*t wasn't. As soon as I turned to him for all my EN's, I got left out in the cold (figuratively). More of his (OM) true colors came out and I was scared of what I was doing. That I may be making a HUGE mistake. I started praying harder than ever and it took a few months, but here I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I posted before I was done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Anyway, the second part of your question was if I had to persue him. I wouldn't call it that. But I did have to give him plenty of reasons to trust me. I had to tell him over again that I didn't want a divorce, but mostly I had to SHOW him. That took a bit of time that I was more than happy to spend. I had hurt him terribly and he was justified in being so wary. Persue him? Nah, just love him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

D,

OK, I've just spent the last little while catching up. I've read a ton of the back posts, so it's a little difficult to address any one point. So let me give you some overall thoughts.

My plan B - I didn't really do a by-the-book plan B. In fact, I don't think I realized I was plan Bing at all until well after we got back together. I'm still not sure that's what you'd call it. I gave up. I emotionally moved on. I know what you're saying when you say you want to educate her. Here's this reasonably intelligent person whom I married, who is now acting like she's OUT OF HER MIND!!!! WHY DOES SHE LET HIM TREAT HER LIKE THAT!!!??? CAN'T SHE SEE HE'S A MORON WHO'S HURTING HER????!!!!????!!!! I have way been there. But you can't tell her a thing right now.

I think the danger is, if you move on, you may not want to move back. Mrs. WLD did some big and great work in the weeks before we got back together. She made big changes and did them very overtly. She made sure I could see the changes. She sat there one night while I was doing dishes, built a fire in the fire place (we're in Phoenix, we don't do many fires) and burned a bunch of photos related to him. That was just one thing. If she hadn't been so bold and so open, I'm not sure I would have taken the chance to try again. I really, really didn't want to get hurt again. I WAS SCARED when I first started letting myself think about working it out.

But, I think that no matter what she did, I did the right thing for me and my family at the time. She said she wanted out, wanted a divorce. I freaked, cried, cried some more and then pulled myself together, found a positive or two and moved on. That was my Plan B, even though it wasn't an intentional Plan B. I stayed focused on what was best for our girls and kept my promise to love her (not like her, but love her). That was the weird part. I had every reason to hate her, but I followed Jesus' lead and loved her anyway. It was a very good thing. I think if you do that, no matter what she does, you're going to get the best possible outcome for you in the end. Regardless of what you believe about Jesus...if you believe He's God, god-ish, just a really nifty Guy...you've got to know that He absolutely, positively knew His stuff when He talked about how to love people. So no matter what...do it His way. Love her for no more reason than the simple fact that you promised you would. That's huge.

Shoot us an email if you'd like to talk. We may not be able to give you all the answers, but we can surely give you some perspective. We were there. You're saying so many things that are exactly what I said.

Take care...and CONGRATS to your folks!!!!!