The more I think about it, I'd be hopeful but also very cautious...

Using my WW as an "example", she's been able to show remorse, say very lucid things like "I've used my anger to justify my bad behavior", etc. - but then slides back into the fog.

Recently she's shown some serious pursuit, even... But that's all but stopped suddenly, and the communication she has had to have with me has become extremely short and cold, much as it was during the A. (Even though I too have plenty of reason to believe it's over or very ill.)

I've heard other stories too where a common pattern appears to be the WS has something of an "awakening" after the A ends, they sometimes want to come home, or pursue, etc. - and then they backslide after 2-3 weeks. Something to watch for... Usually, though, I think they're more "positioned" towards recovery, regardless. I guess it takes more - you guessed it - time. That's where I think a lot of people languish for a long time... WS taking their time to decide to work on the M, likely because they're going about it the wrong way: expecting the feelings to return without having to DO anything (or participate honestly, in good faith)!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> now, with regard to #2 I cant help you - that's up to you, really. but consider: the question which every BS faces is - do you want to be married or do you want to right? good question, really. so, do some introspection, look into your heart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nick,

Not being sarcastic here, but truthful. I want it to be "right" to remain married. For the "right" reasons for both of us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT, don't have her move in with you yet. Date her; date her like you would date any other woman for some time. IF she can "fill your tank" and your "love bank" again, and over a period of time re-build trust, and you can begin to forgive, see what happens. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SC,

This is probably my way of thinking now. As a matter of fact, I had sort of expressed this way of thinking to her.

I definitely can't be rushed now. But, if she goes through with the Dv, I don't think it will actually alter my plan very much. If she does this, if anything, it will probably "detach" me more than I already am. Just guessing at a timetable for me to be "comfortable" enough to cohabitate with her, is probably in the order of a few months. I know that may sound dangerous, but...as I am sure you know also, I am very leery right now. I am just fragile enough to fight my feelings of possibly going "backwards".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've heard other stories too where a common pattern appears to be the WS has something of an "awakening" after the A ends, they sometimes want to come home, or pursue, etc. - and then they backslide after 2-3 weeks. Something to watch for... Usually, though, I think they're more "positioned" towards recovery, regardless. I guess it takes more - you guessed it - time. That's where I think a lot of people languish for a long time... WS taking their time to decide to work on the M, likely because they're going about it the wrong way: expecting the feelings to return without having to DO anything (or participate honestly, in good faith)! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">J.R.,

I hear you. I truly think that right now, my WW's biggest thing is she is "sensing" that my "string" she had ahold of is well frayed. Although the uncertainty in her mind is a more positive thing than I have seen in a few months, it still is just that -- uncertainty in her mind.

She did tell me that initially when she left, that her and OM did "separate" for the first couple of weeks. She then offered, without me asking, that she doesn't know how they got back together. That, is frightening. Shows me instability in her thinking. Yep...Have to be cautious because of that possibility.

If, and I do mean if, there is any possibility to reconcile, it's going to be a long, hard road. Both of us have LARGE obstacles to overcome. As long as I can stand it, I will probably try my best to be there when she needs me. That is where her biggest complaint was in the M. I was never there. It is true. I worked all the time, and if I wasn't working, I was tired and depressed. So....that would be a definite plus to her in my favor.

But...I also know, too....I need to make myself unavailable at times. She has to have a little bit of reality, instead of becoming convinced that she "reeled" me in, and tied the string, again. I think this will keep her in "reality-check" mode, in that what she is now doing is not enough to fix things. That there is still a possibility of my capability of "moving-on".

Well....that's my way of thinking in a nutshell fof now. But....that will probably change with the wind.

HCII

hcii,

As other have say, very careful.
My take on this is very simple:

OMW becomes pregnant. OM tells WW, she gets a fit, outraged and betrayed by her "soulmate", runs back home, to BS. She is all alone now, so what's she gonna do? Persue. Once the dust settles she'll backslide, and you'll be in danger of a false recovery.

I'd say take it slowly, tell her that divorce would signify the breakage of the marriage. Kind of "You still want to break your bonds with me, so why shouldn't I go find somebody else then? I couldn't continue being your friend".

The divorce continuing is also a bit fishy, example: "I'll divorce him, and keep him as backup, if OM comes back wanting to persue me, divorces and we get together I can drop BS and run!"

She may not be doing that in purpose, but I have seen moves like that happen.

If she was 100% remorseful and wanting to work on the M there would be no point on divorcing. I think she got caught in a sudden and ackward situation and ran for the hills.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is right about one thing, the marriage you had is long gone now, it cannot be brought back. As for the divorce and starting new, and not wanting another, well I don't know what to say. You know she will want another if you are not in the picture. The divorce won't make you have a serious case of amnesia with regards to what she did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been riding around all day, thinking, contemplating, and trying to "process" all of this.

JL, your "amnesia" comment made me think of something. I feel like that the first 2 months after D-day were so horrible and stressful to me, that I sort of got "amnesia" of the earlier years in our M.

I think that now I tend to want to compare fixing my M to just the months after D-day. Those have overshadowed a lot of the good times in our M. I guess the gravity of that time tends to consume our thoughts. At least it did mine. I have never been so consumed by something in my life! I dont think there was a second that I didn't, even while sleeping. I know that every night I dreamed about my M, and WW's A in some way.

Sometimes I believe that when time begins to let us heal, it could be just what I mentioned. In other words, immediately after D-day, and for a while, the good thoughts of our marriage were still in the forefront of my mind. I truly think that the way that "time" has healed me is that the longer I suffered with what WW had done, the less that I could really remember the good times in our M, and the more I thought about the pain and agony.

I had said earlier that I was now "fence-sitting". I don't know if that is true or not. My opinion is that when you are fence-sitting, you don't know which way to go. That is not my problem, in a way. My problem now is that I am indifferent to what happens. If the WW truly is remorseful and wants to work to rebuild our M, I could try to do that, and put my all into it. However, if she wants the Dv, I can accept that too, without much reserve. That is where I am at now. I don't like me like that.

Guess I have to take most everyones advice, and let time have its course. As Pepperband said, " Let it unfold on its own ". Guess that is my option right now.

Have I made any sense here?

HCII

Hi Hcii:

Covering all the bases...that's what your wife is doing. She's lost...the direction she thought her life was taking has just altered beyond her control...and she's reaching out for a safe place....you and the life you had together...and even here she is continuing to waffle...not really sure whether she will be welcome back again...so she talks about a "new life".

This isn't necessarily a bad thing...it's a reaching out...a feeling out of what is left for her...if the damage has been too great. But it also is not necessarily indicative of her true feelings...she is rebounding from the lost of the OM...and she cannot be trusted as of now....she needs to move to an understanding herself that the affair is really over, that it was all a mistake, and that she cannot merely come back, verbally take all the blame and expect you to take her back with open arms.

If you believe in the MB principles, then this is all according to plan...but the timing is crucial...and to prevent premature reconsiliation (which can be very hard on the BS)...you need to make your wife understand the depth of the hurt she has inflicted...and your need for her to give you the time and the work that is necessary for both of you to reconstruct your marriage, for surely empty words and promises cannot do so....and that's all she is offering right now.

I wish you luck...and I think in time you may emerge from your 'test of fire'...stronger and wiser for the battle...no matter how it turns out. I wish your wife the same.

By the way I don't get back to MB as much as I once did, and my husband and I are now in recovery.....but it took numerous separations and reconciliations to get it right...but when it was right...when he was really ready...it began to work...and it's still working...although it's not perfect...but what is????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hcii:

I know what you mean about dwelling on the A after D-day.

Someone once asked in a thread "how many times have you thought about your WS's A since D-day?"

I said "once". And it's still true. Just that I haven't STOPPED thinking about it for 7 months running now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>hcii:

I know what you mean about dwelling on the A after D-day.

Someone once asked in a thread "how many times have you thought about your WS's A since D-day?"

I said "once". And it's still true. Just that I haven't STOPPED thinking about it for 7 months running now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't feel bad, 2L;
for me it's been ONE Muthah' 11-month-long thought!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HCII;
Reading your post on JR's thread, I just realized your case has been just over 3 months! That must be some kind of record at MB! Wild, it must have been quite a dizzying thing...I can't imagine!

I've been at this for 11 months, and sometimes I still feel I needed more time for certain things...just unbelievable. How depressing for your W...a marriage destroyed in record time.

I think it's commendable that you were able to bring yourself from discovery to almost indifference in such a short time. Very strong! Hats off!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reading your post on JR's thread, I just realized your case has been just over 3 months! That must be some kind of record at MB! Wild, it must have been quite a dizzying thing...I can't imagine! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 months is pretty quick. However, the WW actually checked out on our M over 2 years ago. I just didn't know it.

D-day was May 1st. Since then, up until last week, she had pounded and pounded into my head that there would NEVER be another "us". That was like a broken record from her.

One thing that didn't help my state of mind was the videos that the PI got. Nothing too sexual in nature, but enough "teenager in heat" stuff to do me in, sort of. Couple that with the way she treated me during the past 3 months, and it was hard NOT to be pessimistic.

I have heard things out of her mouth, all voluntary, such as she had SF with me out of "obligation"; That she felt like she was cheating on OM, instead of the other way around. Things like that can really do some damage.

She also told me (MAJOR FOG) that if she hadn't had the A, we would have been DV'ed a long time ago. The A made her happy; OM was filling needs and I was too. So...she stayed in the M, since she was now happy again.

I thought she may have been coming around a little last week, but I am starting to rethink that. She was here for 3 straight days, after a 2 month hiatus. Haven't heard a peep from her since.

I didn't want to detach so fast. I wish that my sitch could have been different from the get-go. But...I guess it was not to be. She really pushed buttons when she tried to have me removed from the house (didn't work), and the bifurcation thing where she wanted the Dv NOW! But...her and her attorney didn't show.

I guess, all in all, the fact that she walked out and never looked back for 4 months was a real rude awakening for me. Add to that the cruel and nasty things she said, and the mean things she did, and I was at the end of the rope real quick.

She NEVER showed ANY signs of wanting to work on our M. As a matter of fact, after she walked out, her and OM got really hot. I guess she was a "single" woman in her eyes, and could do as she pleased.

Like I said...She POUNDED it into my head for me to "get it in my head" (her words) that there was nothing left for us. I was no longer attractive to her (Yep..she said that). I was too "old" for her (said that too). All the while I can honestly say that I NEVER raised my voice or abused her physically OR mentally in any way during my discovery. I listened with a bit tongue and let her talk about him. How he was this way, that way; How she wished I had been, yada, yada, yada.

It's been a tough road. I survived it, though.

I think the biggest obstacle for me at the moment, is the fact that she had the A for over 2 years, and I had NO inkling of an idea. Makes me think that she could do it again, and I would never know untill it was too late. That scares the hell out of me. I know she has to "earn" the trust again, but...I can tell you...that would be one huge mission. After all the things she said to me, she actually did more damage AFTER D-day, than the A itself.

My sitch is different than most because of her walking out suddenly, and not looking back. She sort of forced my hand. I had to play it the best way I could for my mental well-being.

HCII