I don't have anything to add to the great MB
advice you've been receiving.

But one way I think you can encourage your wife while you're so far away is your wife's
web-based business.

Just doing a quick check, I noticed her website
doesn't show up in many of the search engines. Something you could suggest, is that she make sure her site is listed in major search engines (not only website name, but also keywords). There are various books and websites that explain how to do this without any cost. Another way ($) is keyword advertising, etc. offered by Google, Lycos, etc.

This is the ususal 1st step in getting sales going.

There are probably a lot of techie MBers who could help with this.

At the very least, it provides you a way to give her encouragement unrelated to the OR.

Best of luck,

AK

ak,
Thanks for the advice. I have wanted to help her and support her with her business. I know she has received some orders from her catalog but not from her web site. We talked to someone about the search engine before I left be it was too much ($) right now. I didn't know there was a cost free or low cost alternative. I will look into it, and if any one has the "know how" please let me know.
Thanks again.
CD

Well the Aniversary was uneventful. I got online and she was there, she said she was glad I was online becuase she missed me today. I recieved a card from her the message on the card was "last night I thought of you and my eyes teared up which made me understand how much I love you"
I thought that was great,but her message said "Hey maybe I am the last one yu want to hear from but I do think about you and it has been 11 years what ever that may mean! Hope you have a wonderful day!!!!" Içm not sure what she meant by that,but took it as good. Then I tried to call and say hello, but the kids were acting up and she had company so we were only able to talk for a minute. Some thinks were said and I was left feeling empty and with the thought of its time for plan B. I don`t really know if it is, but think it wouold shake her and let her know I am getting tired of it all.
CD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>"last night I thought of you and my eyes teared up which made me understand how much I love you"
CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
Dude, this is great news!!! Go with it!!! The rest of her statments are just from her confused state. You have to let the confused talk roll off you like water rolls off a duck. It sounds to me like she truly loves you. Remember we told you that if you really wanted to save your marriage it was going to be hard. There is no denying it, its hard and it hurts but you can do it. Sorry if I sound harsh somtimes but sometimes we need a kick in the butt to snap out of it.
Now tighten up your belt, keep focused on the prime directive, winning your wife back and rebuilding a sound relationship.
Don't dwell on the heavy relationship pains of the past and present, but look to the future. That was awsome advise on helping out your wife with her web site. Pour your energy (free time) into research so that you can have posative conversations with her. I'll bet she would love to hear that you are truly interested in helping her. Remember anything you say that brings her down is a major LB and will repel her away from you big time.
Be tough man and roll with the punches you are doing way better than you think.
The sooner you get home the better. IMHO
SH

SH,
Thanks, I was really thinking of trying to stay away another few weeks. I am still alittle confused by her emails. Maybe you can help me with another view. This is what she said in her message.

"I do miss you a lot, I feel like i just need a hug , but iT STRESSES M OUT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT YOU BEING HOME SO LONG , I JUST DON'T WANT THAT RIGHT NOW i AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE MY OWN SPACE but I do miss all the things you do for me!"

To me it says she needs comfort, but doesnt want me to stay.

Then she also said

"Thanks for your letter, no I don't know what I mean half of the time I really don't know, I don't even know I an ever fix all that has happen to me lately and more than anything I don't know if I want to go back to the same old Naysla do t all let every one use and abuse you!
Nothing has change much I just feel that maybe I have more control and that maybe I am atractive to people just maybe!"

What I get from this scares me. I think she is trying to say that she doesn´t want to repair what has been damaged. I think she wants to take the easy way out and start fresh with someone else. Your right about it being hard! I found myself thinking that it isn´t worth the fight, she will leave me anyway. But I truely love her,
And believe it will be worth the fight. Just keep bouncing back and forth with my thoughts. I´m losing it.
CD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>
more than anything I don't know if I want to go back to the same old Naysla do t all let every one use and abuse you!
Nothing has change much I just feel that maybe I have more control and that maybe I am atractive to people just maybe!"
CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Help me out, is she saying that she feels that everyone is using and abusing HER?

I really can't say, for one I am not a counselor just here to support you but it almost sounds like you are alot like I was. In the begining, for years I wouldnt' validate my wifes feelings. It got to the point that she just quit telling me how she felt because she already knew what my reaction would be. First I would try to tell her that what she was saying and feeling was wrong. (Big mistake) Then I would try to explaine how she should feel. What I have learned changed everything. You have to validate her feelings. Even if you don't understand how she feels or why she is feeling that way but you MUST validate her because her feelings are real and they do matter. The best way to validate is to repeat back to her what she tells you. (ie) "So you are saying that it stresses you out to think that I will be home so long and you are enjoying your space...."
This puts you on a level playing field and helps make her feel equal because you did not come down on her for feeling the way she does. What happens is that over time she will begin to feel that you are not CONTROLLING her, you are hearing her and she will be more comfortable opening up to you and also wanting you around more.
Am I rambeling?

God Bless,
SH

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</small>

My W feels like she does everything for others and get nothing in return. She doesn't feel that way about me mostly her family. She has a daycare because her mother wanted her to have it. When her mom died she did alot of things for her sister while her sister wasn't willing to give up her time at home to do things. those type of things. This is why she started her new business, so she was doing something she wanted to do.
I have to agree with her to a point, but I think she blows it up alittle.

I have been very good at listening to her feelings and talking about them. Letting her know if I understand what she is feeling of not. being a friend first then a husband. So I think I have been doing very well at validating her feelings.
But I could be mistaken, I never know now days.
CD

Just a question.
Several days have gone by without an email from the W. I have sent a couple just to say Hi, I love you, and I miss you. My thought is to not send any more until I receive something from her, Should I stop sending? Should I call? What is her deal?
CD

Hey CD,

Had the same thing happen to me when I was in Kosovo last year.... I got myself all "worked up" and angry... only to find out that the computer crashed... one of the guys from our Sunday School class had to come over and re-install all of the software.

I let my emotions and imagination get the best of me and fired of a few e-mails that I sure wish that I could have taken back.

I'd keep sending her e-mail as long as you can stay up-beat and positive. If you feel like LB, then I wouldn't e-mail....

I know it's hard when you're away from home... I'm praying for you!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I know there might be something, but I know she has a computer that works. Two at home, that has to work for her new buss. and one at our daycare.
She is on the d** thing all day long, a simply hello wouldn't hurt. I will try to keep up the possitive emails.

I am feeling alittle guilty lately. I feel my EN are being met by a friend I have met here. Nothing has happend but things are getting alittle too comfortable with her. Lucky for me we are locked down on base and can not leave. And I am going home next week. To bad she is stressing out about that! But hey, she shouldn't worry, I'm only home for a couple of days then leave again for a week. I'm kind of nervouse about going home as well. What do I expect? How will she act towards me? This sucks!
CD

Hi CD,

I wouldn't expect anything from your wife when you get home. You both have changed during your deployment and it will take some time to adjust to each other. Look for positive changes that your wife has made while you were away and tell her that you appreciate the positive changes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for how she will act towards you... If you truly love her and want to restore your marriage, then treat her like Christ would...REGARDLESS of how she treats you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Big red flag on getting your EN meet by another female... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You need to be VERY careful as you are in a very vunerable position right now. As good as this 'attention' feels from another woman, you really need to stop if you are committed to rebuilding your M.

Let us know how the re-deployment and homecoming go...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

So what stage am I in if I am felleing numb. Or not feeling anything at all. Not knowing if I want it to work or not. Maybe getting some of my EN met some where else. Feeling kind of confused lately.CD

CD,
I understand how you feel but again I must remind you how hard this will be for you to win your wifes heart back.
It is so important that you hold the course and focus your attention on this ultimate goal. If you show signs of withdrawl from your wife it will only conferm to her that you didn't really mean what you have been doing or saying.
Remember I told you what my wife said, it was that constant hard work and devotion to our new relationship that helped get her out of the fog and realise that I was in fact for real, it wasn't her imagination.
Time and patience with love is your only hope for turning things around.
When you get home don't expect to much from her but try as hard as you can to present yourself as the man she was attracted to when you two first met, not this broken BS because that hurts her deep down because of what she did. That will only cause her to run and hide because she will instinctively feel hopeless in the chances of repairing the marriage.
As far as this other person that is meeting your emotional needs, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN. This happend to me too and thank God I didn't fall into the trap that Satan set for me. It is Satans goal to break up your marraige. Rebuke him with every ounce of your strength in Christs name!
SH

I know it’s not easy, I just don't know what I am hoping for. I leave in the morning and get home Thursday Night. I am already nervous about what she might tell me. I get scared just wanting to call. She did finally send an email, just said she was stressed with everything going on in her life and she wished she could take a vacation from life. Wish me luck, the next time you here from me I will be home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CD --
I'm in the same boat. My W has confessed some details, namely in the form of follow-ups to my questions. "Was it so-and-so?" "Yes." Etc. Etc. But has bluntly refused to give me details because she said it would hurt me and possibly drive a deeper wedge between us. Since I've had my own As during this marriage, I find it intriguing that she has never asked me for details beyond what I felt about one specific person.
Thinking I was going crazy and caught in the torment of playing these movies in my imagination, I did a little research. A psychologist reported in a paper he wrote that roughly 60 percent of men want to know the graphic details of affairs, and women -- about 40-55 percent -- want to know only the emotional details.
His correlation: Men want the details so we can process the information as we would a task. In other words, you don't really care how she felt about the guys, more about what she did. It goes to the core of your feelings about the woman. For example, I discovered through very light prying that there are certain sexual acts she will do in the right frame of mind. In a sense, that's liberating. In the other neanderthal cave-man sense, I want to bash his head in with a rock for doing that with my woman. (Odd. I never want to bash her head in?) Also, if you discover through this exposure the lengths she went to to lie and deceive you, it gives you a sense that you weren't imagining things, that you weren't paranoid, that it was all happening and dammit, you just knew it! OR she was so clever you couldn't have known it.
Either way, it's about peace of mind. But, here's the paradox: Once you have the pictures, you can't shake them. Go look at a bad car accident, because you are compelled to do so. Now try to shake the images.
So you know your choices. My C recently told me "Why do you want to know the details? You know she had affairs. You understand the motivations to some extent. What will details get you but more hurt?"
There is one more side to all this -- maybe you think that her not telling you the information is a way of her hiding things from you. If she's not telling you this, what else will she hide from you? I don't know if you feel that way or not, but I sure do. But I also realize that's a way of stripping away any measure of self-respect she may have.
If you're trying to rebuild your marriage (personally, I hate that term. Rebuild implies putting up the same type structure, and obviously that structure wasn't sound. I prefer "renew"), then I think you have to give in on this one. The time may not be right, but maybe some day you can go down that road. Loving unconditionally is part and parcel to our program here. I mean, we've taken the worst thing we thought would happen to us and survived. What's the next logical step? Accept that people -- our spouses included -- have skeletons in their closets, and really, who are we to demand they show them to us?
It is, of course, a judgement call. If it weighs too heavily on you, then it's an issue you must face. I was faced with the exact same pressure just a few weeks ago. It led to massive LBing. The result: She almost walked and we destroyed just about everything we'd built for six weeks. I backed off the demands. I really don't want details. I think I do, but down deep, I'd rather not know.
I've asked her to do one simple thing: Anything she might have done with other men that brought her pleasure, find a way to quietly introduce it to our marriage, be it sexual or recreational or whatever. Guy took her to a certain type of movie and she liked it? Fine, show me and maybe I'll do the same. Discovered a sexual position she liked? Let's try it. Assuming we ever have sex again. lol.
One last thing: If you insist on pushing for details, try something a friend of mine suggested. Limit your questions. Set ground rules. Say, 25 questions, no one word answers, all follow-on questions count as part of the 25. And no "why?" By now, you know why. What you're really asking is "How could you hurt me like this?"

Good luck with it. I'm in the same wrestling match. And God be with you, brother, especially if you're deployed. I'm military myself and believe me, I feel your pain.

I got home last night. WW picked me up from the airport, not alot said on the drive home. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel myself slowly letting go, don't know if I evewn care!
CD