Hope you're doing OK, YR. Have a good week! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just wanted to post an update...

I drove over to 7-11 to get a phone card...after all...WS's know one way or another to get around info on cell phone bills, etc...sigh...not proud of this..just stating a fact <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sat in the parking lot staring in through the glass windows..the calling cards are in the front...and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Couldn't summon up the energy to do anything but put my car back in reverse and go back home.

While I am truly broken up about the state of my M...both way before..and after the A....I don't want to continue the cycle of hurting..and abuse. An A is one of the worst things you can do to your spouse...enough is enough. I need to get my "you-know-what" together...and see if the M can be salvaged. If it can, great..if not..then a divorce may have to be sought.

I am really struggling with the whole Plan A thing..I'm going to hop over to that area tonight and see if I can garner some info/help from reading the posts. I have read SAA, His Needs/Her Needs, etc.

I don't want to have a phone call to the OM potentially motivated by retaliation for H's behavior. While I don't feel my H's behavior is acceptable...neither would a phone call to the OM be either. It's definitely not a long term solution...just a 'quick fix'...and one that will leave more scars on an already guilty heart...not to mention what it would do to H.

Venting here helped....sharing the fact that I wanted to call...well, don't know how to say it...but it lessened the desire.

Thanks,

YR

Lisa in London -

One other thing..your idea about exercise...sounds like a good one...goodness knows if I follow up on the food ideas we were sharing....I'll be huge!!

I have been really depressed about the weight I've gained..since I ended the A...and it is really impacting my attitude around my family. Also, I feel so physically unattractive..it is driving me nuts...gotta do something about this

YR

Hi Yellow Rose

Couldn't get on to the board over the weekend, and have been thinking about how you are doing - sounds like it has been a tough one.

Your H calling you a "dirty wh**e" is really as unacceptable to me as if he did shoot you. Although my H has been angry, this has lessened considerably in the last few days, and the only time he really went for nasty name calling was the day he found out. I believe totally that there has to be a point where this stops - what good is it doing to either of you? Equally my H has not yet looked at SAA, but he is going to IC, although he refuses to go to MC again because he does not want the pain of hearing how OM met my needs - hopefully that will change again.

I understand as well how tiring it is to be trying hard to make things happen when your H is LBing all the time. Last week I found I was just shutting down and going into self preservation mode, and yes, all it made me do was think more about OM.

If your H is not prepared to address his abusive behaviour, how do you think your marriage will heal? We both know that our As were wrong, no BS's behaviour justifies an A, but to put it right certainly needs work on both sides. I too wonder like you if it would be easier to give up. Although we have both been calm, I have felt distant and unsure - I don't know what to do or how to behave. With my H having been away for 2 years, most things just don't come naturally, and this is adding pressure for both of us. I believe, you have to give yourself a certain amount of time to see whether you can both make things change or not and not go on indefinitely. Nobody ever said it was going easy, and in a way, of course it is easier to run away and not face up to things - fight or flight as my friend says.

I was interested to read about addictive behaviour and whether this is something WS are prone to. Although I have never dealt with dependency as you describe, I have always considered myself to be an "all or nothing" type of character. I used to smoke 30/40 cigarettes a day before giving up, and have the mentality of "why have one glass of wine when you can finish the bottle?"!!!!! When I do something, I always want to do it to the absolute best of my ability, no half measures - my H considers me really competitive, but the only competition is with myself - am I doing this as well as I possibly can? Also I know OM considered himself an "all or nothing person". We had a conversation about not eating biscuits (cookies), because if you bought a packet of chocolate Hob Nobs, you couldn't eat just one and had to finish the packet. When we had this conversation it was spooky because when he told me, I had actually done the exact same thing with a packat of chocolate Hob Nobs - rather delicious, could replace pretzels but would indeed pile on the weight!!!

I know, this is a silly story, but I indentify with this addictive personality thing and OM was like this too. I wonder if there are other WSs out there like this?

Enough rambling about biscuits, I was just thinking about your post, and as I say, I have always felt that I had the potential to be completely addicitive. Gambling is another thing (OM too), I love gambling on horse racing, and whether I win or loose I love to gamble again. I make sure I don't go to the races that often....

YR I do hope things are a little calmer for your now. Another big plus for me this weekend was my H saying that he trusts me. I couldn't believe that he said that!!!! I went out cycling with my friends on Sunday and he just said "I do trust if you say that's where you are going, I don't think you'd either be so mean or stupid to hurt me anymore" He's right too. I understand how you feel about the privacy, and am lucky my H feels no need at all to look at my things. He knows for sure I am not in touch with OM.

Hang in there, surely things will get better soon. Do try and take some exercise. For me it has been such a saviour. Tennis and cycling I have to concentrate on, if I'm in the gym, my mind wanders. I know it's so hard feeling bad about yourself because of the whole A, the pain and hurt caused to your BS, missing the OM,let alone if you put weight on and feel physically a mess(I have that problem too, a constant battle with my weight!!).

Stay strong, don't contact OM, and try and be kind to yourself.

Lisa

Lisa - I was glad to hear from you! I've been thinking about you and was hoping you were doing well.

I agree with you on the 'at some point the abuse has to stop thing...'...just like the A had to end. We can't work on having the M we want with either one going on. Yep, totally relate on the 'shutting down' thing.

Sigh, I'm not sure how our M will heal if the abuse keeps up. I have been trying to Plan A him...to see if that will help...man, it is more difficult that I imagined!! Phew! Sometimes..when I'm really down...giving up seems like such an attractive choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Although we have both been calm, I have felt distant and unsure - I don't know what to do or how to behave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what you mean....it is so awkward!! I guess it is for our BS's also...

I want to start a thread...or a poll (gotta reach JR...from what I've seen in the short time I've been here...he knows how to do this 'poll' thing very well) on the whole addictive/compulsive personality thing. It would be very interesting to see the results. (Those chocolate Hob Nobs sound delicious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Hey, my H has said I am extremely competitive also..but like you, it's always been competition against me only...not other people. I am always putting more pressure on myself to do better....be better, etc. I don't ever try to compete with other folks. (OM was also very competitive..but he was more competitive with other people also).

Wow, that's a great thing that your H said to you! I'm very pleased for you! He sounds like a good man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your words of encouragement!! They have helped so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a question for anyone who may be reading this...anyone really familiar with the first chapter of His Needs, Her Needs??? I read it a few months back...well, my H told me he started reading the 1st chapter today..and had to stop because it was so painful...and difficult for him!! Darn, I don't remember what is in the 1st chapter...I can't remember anything like this!! Please let me know if anyone knows what he means!! I've been wanting him to read this book..and he finally has started...but am afraid he will stop now because he 'finds it too difficult to continue'??

Thanks!

YR