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Oaktown, I see your point. However, what I was referring to is you asking HIM how he is doing? What is he feeling NOW? Things about his situation NOW, not about the affair itself. I realize that if he won't talk about it you cannot make him. But, you can take the temperature of the marriage now. You can just reach out to him sometimes in a quiet moment, and let him know you are there. Touch as well as words often help. Oaktown, I understand your need to process all of this, does your H? Does he understand YOU are the one that needs help, and your need to TALK to someone and you would like it to be him? You need his help. I sounds as if in his eyes he would prefer you didn't spend time here, or talk to your friends about this. So then he needs to step up. Talk to him about YOUR needs to talk this out, to deal with the guilt you feel. But, no matter what you need to inquire how he is doing. Whether it is about the A, how he feels, what he is feeling about things in general. Ask him. I do hope you can convince him that you need him to listen to you and let you talk. Perhaps you can suggest something even a little silly, such as he playing your counselor. Rules, he can ask questions, but he cannot argue or he won't get his fee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Perhaps something creative is what is required. I hope you can come up with something to help yourself and your H. God Bless, JL
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Jack, I had responded to that also, but on it's own thread. Here is the link if you are interested in my thoughts. My Thoughts Take care.
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Hi Oaktown, Glad to see you around again. Funny, at first I was just sort of skimming through the post and this caught my eye... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- to know that he's staying with me for me and not just because of familial obligations... - is there anything the i can do to help restore that which i have destroyed within him... - is he happy... - does he regret marrying me... - does he feel that he deserves a better wife/life... - why couldn't he hear me before... - what he really thinks/feels about me and why... - i want him to ask me about my feelings... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to read through that posting twice to figure out if it was writen by a WS or a BS...because you see...the sentiments are uppermost on either side of that fence. Isn't that amazing when you really think about it..two people at odds and caught up in their own turmoil..thinking the exact same things. So here you guys are...probably thinking the exact same things...and not a word is spoken...hmmm...who will take the first step? As far as forgiveness..again..that's sort of an individual thing. Think of what you learned as a child about forgiveness. I stole something from the store..My Mom made me take it back, apologize, spend the rest of the day in my room..and then do the dishes before I received her forgiveness..once I did..it was over with...but that was the ritual. Get caught, confess, do the penence, receive the forgiveness. But, by the same token..in Catholic school..we were taught to freely confess and forgiveness would be ours....sure there were a couple of prayers, but to a kid..that was just a token. So think of your ritual..or what you use with your kids...are they forgiven simply because you love them..or is some hoop-jumping in order? This may help you understand more of your H's mindset. Also, understand that forgiving is not forgetting, is not a "gloss-over"...the other recovery work still needs to be done...by both of you...sounds like the first steps are going pretty well. T
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>I love my W, regardless of what she's done in the past, oaktown. I know how your H can feel that way toward you. I realize that my sitch is far from "solved" but if anything will get us through this, it's love and forgiveness. Nothing is more important to me right now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2long...
i hope my husband echoes your sentiment...
oaktown...
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zachsmom:
<strong>He has tried to forget it ever happened, and forget her completely, since he can't do either (He has had no communication with her since I found out), then he is wrong and needs to leave, so this weekend he is moving out. He says he still loves me a lot and is in love with me but he cannot live with what he did and still having feelings for her, when i hear all of your stories and you are all working out your problems i get very angry that my husband has chosen this route.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">zachsmom
if i didn't know better i would think you were talking about me... i'm sorry that he feels the need to move away from you because i'm sure that you are his best avenue to recovery...
this sounds like classic guilt and fear to me... i’m sure you can understand the guilt he’s feeling... don't under estimate his fear of you... why is he afraid of you?... because of all that he has done to hurt you... he’s also probably struggling with not feeling worthy of your forgiveness... once he begins to believe that you have really forgiven him (no strings attached) then he can begin to ease up on himself and heal... jmho...
i know it’s hard but be patient with him and give him time... what do you have to lose?...
good luck...
oaktown...
<small>[ August 27, 2002, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>
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Thank you so much Oaktown, those are wonderful words to hear. You too need to remember that you are worth forgiving. There was a time in my life that i believed an A was unforgivable, how could it be, then i am facing it. Although i don't understand what was in my H head when he was lying, i want to understand it, becuase i take some ownership to where our marriage was at. I will not take ownership for him taking it further into the sex, but i can understand the feelings.
Know that your husband obviously realizes that there is something between you, but hopefully he too will realize that you can't "just forget it" (typical male thoughts), don't talk about it-it will go away. Your H and mine sound similar just on different ends of the spectrum, my H almost panics if there is a "talk" and i can see him shutting down...I hope he realizes before it's too late, but i came to the understanding today that i cannot make him realize...
Good luck..A good book to read is "After the Affair"
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sad tiger...
thanks for taking the time to answer my questions... we bought the mars/venus book some years ago... said we were going to read it to each other each night... the next thing you know we had a baby, obviously we forgot to read... i'll have to find that book...
here's to hoping you get to be a very happy man soon...
oaktown...
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Thanks, oaktown! Some very encouraging things have happened, and I am about to post them. Short version, WW says I am number one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and she loves me very much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and OM has left the company. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (unsure of exact nature of his departure) Perhaps we will be on the road to recovery soon! ST
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning: <strong>However, what I was referring to is you asking HIM how he is doing? What is he feeling NOW? Things about his situation NOW, not about the affair itself. I realize that if he won't talk about it you cannot make him. But, you can take the temperature of the marriage now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">just learning... i'm trying to do these things... he's traveling now... i'm sending him daily emails... nothing earth shattering in most... things like: -asking him how far with his project -updates on current home events -request for his advice -that i miss, love, need him... you know, just a daily reminder that he's the one i want... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I understand your need to process all of this, does your H? Does he understand YOU are the one that needs help, and your need to TALK to someone and you would like it to be him? You need his help. I sounds as if in his eyes he would prefer you didn't spend time here, or talk to your friends about this. So then he needs to step up. Talk to him about YOUR needs to talk this out, to deal with the guilt you feel.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i believe that he's aware of my issues here... it's hard when what i need is diametrically opposed to what he needs... fortunately, neither one of us is willing to give up... oaktown... <small>[ August 27, 2002, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Twyla:
<strong>I had to read through that posting twice to figure out if it was writen by a WS or a BS...because you see...the sentiments are uppermost on either side of that fence. Isn't that amazing when you really think about it..two people at odds and caught up in their own turmoil..thinking the exact same things. So here you guys are...probably thinking the exact same things...and not a word is spoken...hmmm...who will take the first step?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">twyla...
thanks for stopping by... it is quite amazing... i've thought about it all night... who is going to make the first step?...
oaktown...
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oaktown: "who is going to make the first step?..." I think you know the answer 2 this question! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>You are doing well Oaktown, this too will pass.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">just learning...
i hope you're right... i recently spent two weeks in the village... there wasn't a mirror in our place there... there wasn't a mirror at my mil's... heck, there wasn't a mirror at the outdoor shop where i had my hair washed...
it wasn't until i got on the plane and went to the toilet that i realized what a relief it had been not to have to look at my face for those two weeks...
many say my son looks just like me... if it's based on what i see when i look in the mirror i hope not... i never thought much of myself before... little as that may have been it has now been obliterated... and by my own hand none the less...
oaktown...
<small>[ August 29, 2002, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>
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