cs,

I was glad to see BR respond. My thoughts were similar and have to do with expectaions.

So you are no longer going to return my phone calls or help me? He said, I just checked my messages. I asked if he was going to be around tonight if I needed him. He said, I'm not telling you anything.

This has to do with your expectations of the situation. You expected WH to be there for you. You expected that he would respond kindly. We can't expect anyone to do anything for us. We can hope and want them to but basically we have no control over them. Only ourselves. Ouch that hurts.

You will continue to be disapointed with him as long as you expect him to act a certain. way. Was it unfair to want help? No, it's just that maybe help has to come from someone else right now, a friend or other family member?

You asked how do you get the control back? The control that is needed is the that you can not control him or anyone else. The only one we can control is ourselves.

God Bless,

D.

WGT: Yes, you are right. I should have had no expectations about his help. I am talking about control over myself, my emotions...I'm the only person I can control and I'm not doing a very good job of that.
Today's another day-
Can't Sleep

Can't sleep, have just been reading your post and it struck a cord with me. I can identify with so much of what you said.

My h and have separated, he moved out in June could not give up contact with OW even though he is saying he is not in love with her. I also discovered another relationship and at first he denied it but now admits but says it was an abberation even though he has been sending very intimate emails to this woman right up till June. He now denies thee is anyone else and suggests to friend that original OW is out of the picture. i know that in July she was writing telling him she loves him. He is hostile sometimesand very self pitying. He feels aggrieved that he has lost everything even though he actually decided he should move out. I really don't see way back for us, he is not taking any responsibility, putting all responsibility onto me all the time. I find it very difficult to talk to him, he is operating with a crazy logic and out of touch, until he is more grounded I don't see any point. Anyway all this is very difficult because we have to liaiase about our 7 year old D.

Sorry to waffle on, i don't mean to hijack yours but maybe it helps to hear similar goings on. I do know that being physically apart has helped me a lot, I was getting repeatedly drawn into his craziness and even though he still tries it is a bit easier to resist now. i hope this helps you in some way
Crimson

Can't Sleep - I can totally relate to how you feel about not being able to be over him. I also find my self in that position all of the time. A few days ago when I decided to tell him that I cannot talk to him anymore because it is driving me crazy - I still find myself going to pick up the phone to call him or wonder what he is doing. I still am hoping that sometime he is going to change his mind. But in the meantime I am really trying to keep busy - I am trying to build a life without him. It is killing me but I have found that without all of the drama I am a better person. He does not want me and I have to face that - I really believe that someday he is going to realize that he gave it all away for nothing and he is going to regret it. But I have to do what is right for me and my girls. So he doesn't want me now - you know what the person that he is right now and the stuff that he has done to me over the past year or so - he doesn't even deserve all of the time and energy that I have put into this situation. I am just ok he doesn't want me fine. It is like I said killing me in some aspects because I love him and I miss him - but I cannot change him or control him I can only control myself. You have got to stop - You have to just be yourself and worry about you and your kids...

((( Can't Sleep )))

I ditto everything BR said .... changes begin with you.
Control your emotional outbursts .... a great place to start!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Can't Sleep ... I just re-read your title for this thread Feeling Stuck

Know what!!! ... every time you are "feeling stuck" it is probably because you are trying to change someone else's behavior / thinking / feelings .... and you ARE stuck!

Change yourself ... and your're automatically un-stuck!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

cs,

Yes, you are right. I should have had no expectations about his help. I am talking about control over myself, my emotions...I'm the only person I can control and I'm not doing a very good job of that.

It is hard, I know that. It was either Orchid or BrambleRose (or both) who said that once they lost ALL their expectations of their WH's, they were much happier. I also heard from one of them that they assumed that WH was lieing ALL the time and it made it easier to deal with everything. I started doing those, and my life is much calmer & serene.

This echos what BR has said, change yourself

I say the serenity prayer a lot to remind me -

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Today's another day-

Thank God we can start over anytime!!!Even in the same day !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CS-

I hope you are feeling better, having the flu is no fun at all, especially when you have little ones relying on you for support. Take it easy right now and get yourself better.

I'm glad that BR, Will and Pepperband replied to your post, what they have said is 100% correct. A big part of focusing on you is to not focus on the WS and expect things be as you want them to be. You asked WH for help and he didn't give it to you and you got upset, happens to me all the time. I ask WW for some small favor and she cant give it to me which used to make me very upset (still does to a degree). But now, I have the attitude of not expecting anything from WW, nothing at all, so when she doesn't do as I expect, I move past it and find another way around it. Unfortunately the opposite isn't true, if WW asks me for a favor and I don't agree, woo-boy, hell hath no fury like……You need another support base right now, what about family or close friends that can help out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do other people just decide they are going to not think about spouse and do it? It doesn't seem that easy to me</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you have to make a very conscience decision to not think/worry/obsess over the WS, OP and what is going on with them. It is hard to do, very hard, but it means that you still care about the WS. But once you start the process, it gets easier over time, but you have to make that first step. Once you do, you are able to release a lot of the negative garbage that has been pushed into your life. Its ok to be angry, upset and depressed about this, its perfectly normal. Just don't hold it in, yell and scream and cry if you have to, take your frustrations out on a pillow, release those feelings. Holding them in will only make things worse and can lead to some serious health problems later on.

There is a thread here about acceptance (I think the all-wise Bramblerose started it), look it over because it makes a lot of sense. Once you accept the situation for what it is, you will release yourself from it and a lot of the anger and depression you are feeling. CS, there aint a durn thing you can do about WH, you cant control him, you cant make him come back to you, you cant make him change. But, you can control you, you can better yourself for YOU! You can be the CS we have seen in weeks past. But, in order to do this, you have to release yourself from the current situation. This doesn't mean to give up on the M, it just means that you have accepted the current situation for what it is and are moving beyond it. You have a lot to offer, you're a special person, if WH cant see that right now, then too bad for him.

I know you are not the kind of person who sits around feeling sorry for themselves, you're a doer, your a take charge kinda gal. Make a small goal for yourself, say one day of not worrying about WH, OW or anything related to them. Go do something just for you and/or the kids. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated and see how you feel at the end of the day. I can guarantee you will feel a lot better than you do right now.

As far as WH's current state of mind, not sure what to say. Maybe he is suicidal, or possibly just really upset and maybe a little paranoid because he is finally realizing that he is completely out of control. Don't buy into it, let him rant and rave if he has to, but please don't react to it anymore. The only way you can help him is if he comes to you and asks for help.

Thanks for all your replies last week. They helped and I continue to read them to remind myself to get with the program. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm feeling better. Trying to get back to taking care of myself and not worrying about WH's actions or nonaction. I will continue to push WH to get paperwork done so we are separate financially. He is dragging his feet on it and getting the house ready to sell. I am trying to move on and I'm delayed by him. I feel like he doesn't have any intention of putting our marriage back together but he doesn't really want me to move on either. I sense that he is really missing the kids.
I'm not sleeping much again-doesn't help my mood. I don't think WH will ever iniate (sp) relationship talk-ever.
Thanks all,
Can't Sleep

Update: WH and I are in friendly mode again. The kids are in three different sports now so we are constantly interchanging and helping each other with rides, etc. We all grabbed dinner last night after a practice. I asked him if he wanted to come with us. We talked this morning and he thanked me for dinner a few times. How do we ever move past the friendly stage into couple stage? I don't know if WH will ever feel anything for me besides friends. I miss him alot. I wish I could take back last year when he asked for help with the marriage and I totally ignored it and him. Humbling. He sent me an e-mail last week that said he's sorry how things turned out...his heart has been broken...he has always loved me and always will..he hopes I understand...????
Will this ever turn around?
-Can't Sleep

Hang in there. The sun will come up. Even if night feels like forever. I know that is how i feel anyway. I have all sorts of perscribed medication for not sleeping. It just makes it worse. Take care of you and yours. They really need you now. I actually sleep on the floor of my sons room. It makes me feel better. s

Today I got WH's Quarterly work newsletter in the mail and guess who is in it? OW..her pic and her achievements. She looks great in the pic too. She also is in pic with others on a vacation for top producers with a man, not my WH. Trip was within the last three months.
She is everywhere. I am going to call WH and tell him to get his address changed now!
I can't compete with her..younger, clotheshorse, sales, money, no kids or responsiblities, sports fan. You may say, it is not a competition. I think it really is in a sense.
It actually is even more motivation to give up. I would love to ruin her job for her..call the company. I sound bitter. I feel bitter. Big vent.
-CS

[[[[[[can't sleep]]]]]]

Just be the BEST you and don't worry about her... the truth will out... whatever it may be...

You have to take FOCUS off her... BURN the newsletter... it might make you feel better!

Cali

Hey Can't Sleep - isn't so funny how we go from going out to eat the night before and pleasant I will love you always emails - to total rage and vent the next day --- I can honestly say even though my divorce is two weeks away this still happens to me on a daily basis - I was just having a bad day yesterday I even called my OW to see what was up and what was going on??? I actually think on some level that I wanted to make peace if nothing was going on - just so I wouldn't feel so much tension...You do not have to compete with a younger version - You are the mother of his children - you are a real grown up - she is a fantasy - Do not let her get you down...Burn the newsletter - do not keep it around so you have to look at it... And you can be thankful that there were no pictures of the two of them together - that would have really set you off.... Just keep venting - it is funny how venting here really seems to help doesn't it... It also helps to see other peoples opinions in black and white.... Cheer up ---- You know I beleive that I am starting to accept my situation because since last Sunday I have actually been sleeping through the night - I mean I haven't been going to bed until midnight but then again I haven't slept right since last October.... Mimi

Thanks for your replies. I just have a hard time that someone who has been involved with what she's been doing seems to suffer no consequences. I look and feel tired..she's looks great, etc. Anyway, I'll be OK.
-CS

I talked to WH and asked him to change his address. He said no problem-sounds good. He didn't say a word when I said I was disgusted about OW's pic, etc. He simply won't discuss her or the A- ever. Is he protecting her? The only thing he has said repeatedly is that he doesn't love her. Could have fooled me. I said, Would you tell me the truth if you did love her? There was a long silence and he said, "probably not."
Last night we sat and talked for an hour when I got home from work-no R/m talk-just BS. I ended it pleasantly. Today when I talking to him I said I think it is impossible to try to have a friendship with you when OW constantly appears (not physically) after things start to improve between us. WH said he enjoyed last night.
He decided not to see a lawyer about our agreement. I asked him for the agreement so I could send it to my atty to be filed. He wants to get together next week and talk about it and then get it signed.
Why is it all so difficult? I don't want his mail address signed, I don't want this agreement, I don't want to sell the house but if I don't, no-one will as my WH is the worst procastinator. Part of me wants to believe he is dragging his feet on the agreement and house (supposed to schedule painters two months ago/already paid for) because he isn't sure he is doing the right thing. But if this were the case, he would probably mention it to me. He is stilling seeing OW and hasn't called me or asked me to do anything.
When I saw her picture today, it really shook my confidence. It's nuts...why do I feel that I have nothing to offer? Logically, I should believe that I do. I'm honest, 20+ years history, his 3 kids, but I have the no career/overweight syndrome. I am losing weight but have lots to go...Wh told me that my body looks great and he is happy for me. Gee, thanks. ie. but he isn't interested. I've been a stay-at-home doing band-aid jobs--a big issue between us-as I'm a licensed atty in another state. I'm planning to take the bar here in Feb.
I've never had a confidence problem before. If WH and I had problems in college or high school and we broke-up..and wanted it back, I just showed up and put on a good show <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I don't have it anymore, which is why I feel like I can't compete with OW.
What the heck is wrong with me?
I'm babbling outloud but I'm just really confused. If I should do the Dobson tough love approach or Plan A or simply walk up to him, kiss him and see what happens. I haven't approached any sex since he left because of the weight issue and I didn't want more rejection.
He has also repeatedly said that I don't show him any respect and "that it was so nice just to have someone (OW) show interest in him for him. No judgments, crappy tone, interest in income,etc."
Lots of thoughts and no answers...I just wish I knew if holding out hope has any merit based on the past six months.
Thanks for listening. Thank Goodness for MB. My brother told me tonight that if WH ever changes his mind and wants to come back and I agree, he will do an intervention. No support in wanting WH back.
-Can't sleep

Cant Sleep - you sound really down - you know what the weight issue is a bunch of crap five years ago when I was the size 7 my husband was jealous - totally we didnt' get along he was jealous of everybody - of course since he cheated on me and pulled the I haven't loved you in 10 yrs. crap he just forgets about that - then I asked him are we gonna date just jokin because we are getting divorced but he wants to be best friends and I am totally confused and he said we will see how your diet goes - I mean nice - huh???? I am not huge just not as thin as I once was but that shouldn't matter - I love him whether he is chubby or not - you know - I just think the weight thing is crap......

MAW: What is it with the weight thing? Sorry you went through it too. Things sound confusing in your life. Do you still have a court date?

This morning WH came to s's game and held my arm for a minute and looked at me and asked how I was doing. Strange, very strange. He is being Mr. Nice.
Do I Plan A it, Dobson tough love it or try to flirt, etc?
Unless he is the most detached person in the world, I'm getting the feeling he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Maybe he isn't so sure that he's made the right decision.
Isn't it strange that OW went on a cruise with a different man? Maybe she's using him...(she's not married).
Cheers-
Can't Sleep

I talked to WH tonight on the phone. I find it frustrating and feel like I'm going in circles. He said, I'll call you tomorrow. I said, You'll call me tomorrow or you'll call the kids tomorrow? I explained that is the root of some of frustration that I'm starting to understand and accept. I explained that he has said and continues to say he wants to do things with me and yet, it hasn't happened. I said, 'I understand now that what you meant is that you'd like to be civil and be "friends" around the kids. He said, No, that's not what I meant. I'd like to call you and say hi or ask you out for a drink but I can't. I feel like you are looking for a chink in my armoour and you'll go for the jugular (sp).' I said I'm sorry you feel that way but there is nothing that I can do about the way you feel. He said, "that's not true. You can do everything about it. You can change." But didn't give details.
I feel like it's a catch 22-he keeps throwing that out there but there's no meat to what he says. He never gives me a chance since he never asks me to do anything. He said why don't you let actions show more than words regarding this?
So, am I to take this that since he hasn't asked, he doesn't want too? Or is the extra things he has been doing lately for the kids/family supposed to be an indication to me?
I'm not a mind reader.
I always blow things..he wanted to get together next week to talk about the agreement. I said, "we can do it over the phone" He said, No, I'd like to get together. So, at the end of the convo I was so disgusted with his nontalk-I told him that I'd rather do it over the phone since we don't need to see other. I don't get it. Either he wants the marriage or he doesn't. Does a "friendship" make him feel better? I do want to see him in person but I don't want to be used and led on if he has no intent on thinking about our marriage. He has told me that it's over-repeatedly. Business can be done over the phone.
He won't discuss his feelings at all for OW-never has. I asked if it was serious enough for the kids to meet her and if so, I may agree to it, but I wanted to know what he would say to them first. He said it's not at that point yet but it would be nice to have the option.
One thing that I know about WH is that when I push, he'll always take it. Ie. yes, let's redo the parenting plan, yes, if you want an answer, I'll always answer the worst case scenerio. The result is that I never seem to know what he is thinking. How does one work with this?
Do you think he is playing me to make sure that I'm still around in case OW doesn't work or do you think he wants to be friends to see where it goes?
-can't sleep

Hello - Can't Sleep - Yes my court date is September 18 at 2:00pm - and then that evening is my youngest daughters open house at school - so now I have to go to court and probably spend the evening with him - and you know I am guessing I am not goint to be liking him that much on that day... My situation is very confusing - to say the least - like for example last night he came over to get the girls and a bunch of my neighbors were here - I actually asked one of my neighbors husbands if he would mow my lawn for 20 - then my husband comes when he is doing it and he is like what are you moving in??? Made my neighbor who was helping me out feel like quite a jerk - then he walks in my house - I am keeping it - I have paid two mortgages by myself - helps himself to a beer and proceeds to sit down and talk to everyone like he lives - here - now sometimes this bothers me but usually not until the next day like today... I mean he is just to comfortable here - it is like he is gone but he is welcome whenever he feels like it... The kids don't want to go with him because they are bored and they are girls - and he never really spent all that much time with them anyways - so my 12 yr. old wanted to come home at like 8:30 this morning but he brought them home at 12:00 - he again proceeded to come in and make himself at home... Now I am thinking he doesn't deserve to be able to do this - but I cannot get angry enough to tell him to get lost - I am really a nice person to divorce - my sister tends to call me sucker...The weight thing really ticks me off to no end... I mean really my husband really never said anything about it - but it came up when all of this started - so now I am going on a mission to get really thin... You know I don't think any of these men know what they want - - But mine wants a divorce and if you asked me why I wouldn't be able to give you a concrete answer as to why??? I hope your day is going good....