It is full Plan B for me as of today. I'll come back and post the details...I have a lot to take care of right now.
SC

Sorry SC, but at least the waiting is over.

And not living with the day to day pressure is a weight off of you that you will enjoy. When the STBX finallymade his choice, even though I was very sad, there was apart that felt like the weight of the world was off of me. Remember by that time I had been living in this nightmare for 2yrs.

Space,

Though I haven't been around much, I've been hoping that your situation wouldn't come to this. I'm sorry... but you've already shown so much strength, I know you can do this, tough though it will be.

Good luck,
JG

Space,

I have to say I'm surprised! Based on your more recent posts it was sounding like your W was starting to get it.

Glad you are protecting you. We'll wait to hear more! CSue

I'll be interested in the details. Good luck, and you know we're here for ya.

Perhaps you'll feel a little relief with this move, and I hope and pray your W will have the time she needs to make the right decision.

Faith1

Cadet,

Now you have me worried. How are you doing? Did I cross the line in the other post?

L.

I'm with CSue - surprised, based on your recent communications, but perhaps there's more to it. Hopefully it'll be the catalyst she needs.

When you do it, you have my permission to use my line, "I haven't felt so relieved since I stopped wearing underwear."

Dave

Just remember we are all here for you SC. Maybe this is Steve's way of getting her to stop being wishy washy, maybe it will be the jolt she needs.
Hugs to you friend, don't give up.
Layli

Space,

My prayers are with you as you implement plan b.

D.

spacecase...

i'm holding good thoughts for you...

oaktown...

I'm sorry to hear it came to this SC. I haven't been around very long, but I do almost feel as I know you a bit. Good luck, I sincerely hope this brings her around.

Spacecase: so sorry to hear that, it sounded like your W was starting to drift in and out of the fog, hopefully this will truly be a reality check.

Hey SpaceCase,

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but it doesn't surprise me too much. From the perspective of your lovebank, you're getting dangerously low from being jerked around (recovery???---NO!---recovery???---NO!!!) by the fence sitting. I think you can use the break here to rejuvenate. Remember, when the reconcilliation call comes and you get out from your Plan B bullpen---it's going to be a lot of hard work.

I think that your wife may be getting it. But my wife "got it" in a similar manner for a while---a threat of Plan B led to the "end of the affair". For a few weeks. When I discovered it going again (it didn't take too long), it was very hard (and yes, the very cool "K" lovebusted the heck out of his wife). I did another month of Plan A and then Steve had me do the Plan B for real---no amount of begging would have kept me there.

Sometimes a wayward spouse has to crash to get themselves on the road to recovery. Let's hope it's not too big of one for your wife, SC.

Hey SC just a very quick hello (which is hard for me aat any time) am on my way to work but needed to let ya know I'm thinking of ya heaps!!!
Now am sending you a tube of Cyber Glue so ya can glue that hat on ya head!!

Just remember this is a whole new slant on things something different & Steve knows what he's doing, as we all know plan A cannot go on 4ever or we would all end up a pack of loonie toones. Please think of something NEW! that you would like to do for yaself & once ya get all the urgent stuff sorted, concentrate on that one thing just for you NO ONE ELSE!! You have used so much energy on someone else (being ya W) that now ya need to concentrate on YOU...DO YA HEAR ME SC???
She might just wonder what the hell is going on now you have removed yourself from the equasion (can't spell that) Well gotta rush cause i just realsied that I still have to do up "my face" & I am sitting here wearing only one sock now where the hell is the other one...Bet i can't find it oh what the hell i'll just wear the one sock & one shoe maybe today!! Sorry a bit of a warped sense of humor!! Catchya later.....

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Perfect_day ]</small>

SC,

I'm really sorry to hear your news but I think it's for the best right now. Your W seems to be making slow progress and this may be the reality check she needs. Be strong and don't give up hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Wow, it's been quite a day! Thanks for everyone's presence and support!

First of all, let me say that I am doing fine. At least up to now, I feel good about going to Plan B, and I'm OK.

I know that many of us, myself included, were getting optimistic about my W's progress in some areas, and I even thought that we may not go to Plan B at all. Alas, Steve quashed those thoughts pretty quickly this morning.

We were supposed to have a 3-way call, she initiated it, and Steve came on. Stayed with her for 45 minutes, then they hung up and Steve called me.

The gist of it is; WW is very reluctant, she does not see any reason why she should change anything about herself/her life because she has seen no progress in me. She still believes this is all my fault, does not recognize any responsibility for it, and is not willing to entertain any changes in herself or her actions until I can prove to her that I see, make changes and implement all the changes she feels I have to make in myself to make her happy.

In other words, she wants to lose the weight before doing the exercise!

She tells Steve that this is something she has to work out for herself (perhaps the only sane statements she made) and that she is simply not willing to do anything else until she works what she wants for herself out.

So, yes, we did see a few rays breaking through the fog, some signs, but alas, it is back, and in full London (or is it Uranus?) strength.
Steve, of course, tried to reason with her; "You are again wanting to do what you've done before when you have seen that it does not work. Why would you not try something different?" and such.
But there is no desire, no comprehension, and no will to take a look at herself, realize this is a team effort, and at least commit to it. None whatsoever.

I asked Steve directly; in light of what I have seen in myself over the last few days, the fact that I now understand the role I played in creating this need for secrecy/privacy in her, do you still think this is a good idea?

He said yes. That regardless of that, she still did not quite see that, or any other change in me, any realization in me, and that all I could do wasa to try to transmit that to her on any occasion I have the chance to during Plan B.

So that's about it with Steve. I asked him 2 things; do I go there, deliver the letter and talk to her abouyt it? He said if I wanted to and felt it could be doen without an argument. and second, whether I should do anything about trying to keep her counseling with him; he said no. I asked if I should at least let her know that if she chooses to C with him , I'd be willing to pay for it? He said yes, put it in the letter.

So I made the final changes to the letter, (It's been thru a few changes since we last saw it here, I added a few things I liked from other places, and sent it for Steve's approval. He approved it.) and went over to see her. She was not home, so I chatted with the twins, let them know that I'd be in Full Plan B as of today, explained what that meant, and asked them to be extra careful to let me know what they are doing, work schedules, etc. so we can stay in touch as much as possible, and that I'd need to know when mom wasn't home in case I needed to go get something. They were prepared for this, and although sad, they did not cry...thank G-d!, because I would have broken down right along with them.

A bit later my W arrived, we said hi, I was fixing this little thing in her pc, and I decided I could not handle a conversation about the letter. So I handed it to her, said my au revoire's and headed out.

I have not heard from her since. Have no idea what her reaction might be, or when, or what....

Tha, tha, tha, tha, That's all folks!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In case y'all are interested, this is the final text of the letter, as I delivered it today:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Dearest W,

This is a very difficult letter for me to write; one that has been weighing on my heart and mind for some time.

I know that you've been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I'm aware that my behavior in the past contributed in part to your unhappiness and the emotional distancing between us. I've worked very hard these past 5 or 6 months to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me and our children as well. I want to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. I realized people can change if they're willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are. I am doing that and I'm proud of the person I've started to become.

It is evident that our marriage has suffered due to neglect by both of us. While striving to meet the needs of our family we have missed meeting each other’s needs. I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that hurt our relationship. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

Our marriage has not suffered only from difficulties in communicating; it is, to a great extent, because your emotions and intimacy were focused elsewhere and so you were incapable of being truly intimate with me during that time. In all our dealings you had to be on your guard, so nothing would be revealed that might show just what you and your "friend" had done to us. You had to keep everything to yourself. It must have been very hard for you to keep that up for so long. And how lonely for you to be constantly next to someone you could not confide in.

I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. I will never forget, but I am fully capable of forgiveness; if you will let me forgive.

I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. I cannot continue to do that until you end your relationship with OM and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until there is no contact with the other man.

Until then, I will need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you as much financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car and other living expenses. You will have to cover these yourself. I have made arrangements for the children to see or stay with me whenever they desire, but they should do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself, until I make other arrangements. I will only communicate with you regarding the children. If you need to communicate with me regarding any other matter, it should be through a friend or family member, (I might suggest D or B), unless it is an emergency, in which case I will take your call.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You may be aware of the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM, and I simply cannot continue like this any longer, while knowing that you are with him, and hearing the sound of your voice when you speak to him; words I have not heard in many years. These things are removing the love I feel for you; so although I still love you, I must not see you in order to preserve the love I have left.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from him, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, then we can talk about our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by just ending the external relationship things would work themselves out, and that by splitting yourself we could have a fulfilling life together.

I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, but I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I want you to come back to me emotionally but I know that can only come from you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I can forgive you, if you will let me. I believe in you. I marvel at what you've done for us and for so many others over the years. You made yourself the person you are today. Nobody else did. I believe we can jointly arrive at a positive plan that will ensure we're both happy with our lives together. Trust can be rebuilt, if you are willing to rebuild it, and allow me to rebuild it.

I understand how difficult this will be for you as well, and I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support as we work through this together. Steve Harley can help us do this, as well as help us create a plan that we can both agree on.

When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly, truly pains me.

I love you W, mi muñeca (My doll, I’ve always called her that); you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope that we can work it out and be the best of friends. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good, and see the hope. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, and for both of us to recover our love for each other.

I just cannot bear to be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and give your love and emotional connection to someone else. I’ve loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I look at the picture of us on the beach, and I remember the dreams and the hopes, the stars, and the sunsets we watched. I remember our first awkward time together, and I still believe those dreams are possible.

All my love,

SC

PS; I understand now many things about myself and my actions and how they affected and hurt you. I am willing to work on them, and change them, but please understand that I cannot do that while we are not working on this as a team. I am truly sorry we have reached this point, but I am no longer willing to live under the conditions that you want; to continue to provide you with those things you need from me, and to work on the things I know I need to work on to make you happy, while you are not willing to see or work on or do any of the things I need in order to be happy with you.

I am moving on with my life, to seek the happiness that I need and deserve. I truly wish it could be with you, but unfortunately, it looks like that will not happen now. You may take all of the time you feel you need to find what you want in your life, and if one day you should choose to try to make it work with me, I hope I will still be there so that we can do it together.

Should you choose to continue counseling with Steve, I will be happy to pay for that. Just make the appointments you need under my name.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

SpaceCase,

I'm guessing about two months to crash and burn...

Glad to hear you're doing OK. You ARE doing OK---even when you don't feel like it. In fact, you're doing a terrific job.

I see K's two months, and raise him (lessen) a week.

ditto his "terrific job."

Whew! Glad to get the details.

Now... stick to Plan B: No contact. You've seen it all here before... she may try to call you or e-mail you. CHECK with US before you respond, K?

We're here for ya Spacey! You're a great husband, and you're doing the best thing you can do for yourself and your family!