just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today on your anniversary. Mine was 2 days ago and I got some really good advice. Celebrate the fact that you are still married, that you have done everything you can at this time and then...let go for a bit. Get your mind off of it. Take your kids to a movie, call your child who is at college or go visit them, get into what is going on in their lives. And when your mind drifts and you realize it is your anniversary, look at the beautiful creatures you and your wife created out of that love and marriage and realize you have done something profound and good through all the saddness. That hope springs eternal through their eyes and their combined love for the 2 of you.
Hugs to spacey!!!
Layli

Hello Spacecase,
I see you are still in pain, but then, what should I expect.

Personally, I think it's IMPOSSIBLE to do that and have it be REAL. At least while there's an active affair, I just do not see how it would be possible to truly give Unconditional Love.

I think it may be possible with people we don't live with or have contact with daily. I believe we are so close to our spouse, and share so many things that it is impossible. It is plain to see that this connection is so special, and so different, and so close that it hurts more than even loosing a child to death. (this according to many here that have had the trauma of both.)

Maybe I'm just delusional!
Nah, not really, just burnt out.

This is the reason I suggest you find something difficult and challenging for you to do. If you go do something easy, your mind will still be here.

I don't suggest you quit coming here, just that most of your time should be spent in something else for a time. Once long ago I was a retail store manager. When closing out at night we often had errors and early on, I would spend hours in the evening trying to find them. One error was particularly bad, and finally I went home without finding it. I came in the next morning and found it in less than 5 minutes.

I really think that you give valuable help here but think you personally could benefit from a break. I expect when you come back, you will see your own case much more clearly. You need someone else's crisis to get you out of your own for a short time.

No, I really don't think you are delusional at all, but you are sharp enough to cut your self if you are not really careful with your feelings right now. Use that "sharp" on something else for a while, give your problems a rest.

SS

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Today was...interesting.
First, I almost ran into my W...went to get my mail and she was driving in as I was driving out...I didn't even look! So I don't know what she mught have done. LOL!!

I was listening to Fleetwood Mac's "The Dance" (one of my favorites) and I guess it's appropriate that that CD has two songs that kind of describe my 2 come-and-go feelings...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Silver Springs
(Stevie Nicks)
Fleetwood Mac</strong>

You could be my silver spring
Blue-green colors flashing
I would be your only dream
Your shining over ocean crashing

Don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loved you
Baby I don't want to know

<strong>So I begin not to love you
Turn 'round, see me running
I say I loved you years ago
But tell myself you never loved me no

And don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loved you
Baby I don't want to know

Oh no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Baby I don't want to know

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me</strong>

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me

I follow you down 'till the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
(Give me just a chance)
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman who loves you
(Was I just a fool)

I follow you down 'till the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
(Give me just a chance)
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman who loves you
(Was I just a fool)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Temporary One
(Christine McVie & Eddy Quintela)
Fleetwood Mac</strong>

Where are you darlin', when my
Moon is risin', and your
Sun is shinin' down

What are you doin', are you
Missin' me
The way that I'm missin' you now

<strong>The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together</strong>

What are you doin', goin'
Down in to Soho as I
Take my rest tonight

What are you doin', are you
Busy with your world
Well I wish you were busy with mine

The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together

The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I rest my case.

oh spacecase, that depressed me, my WH loves Fleetwoood Mac!

SC...my other Texas buddy -

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I don't have any magical answer to your situation. I never sent you the interpretations that I did on all the stuff your WS has said to your for a couple of reasons:

1) Many people came close to what I felt she was saying...

2) I got to a point when reading your thread..where I sensed that the analysis would do no more good than a mouse running around and around on one of those wheel-thingies. I have gotten to a point recently with my H..where I have quit trying to figure so much out..quit trying to make the 'nonsensical' make sense...it is like trying to hammer a square peg in a round hole.

This is not to say that some insight into situations/comments/ etc. is not valuable. You have just been at this so intensely..for so long..I think your friends are concerned...as I am.

So...table your plans to 'build a better fog-zapper' aside for a bit...and do anything else but work on your M for a few days...I promise..if your W's fog starts to clear this weekend..I predict your tornado sirens will go off in Houston due to the extreme winds required right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

May you have some peace tonight..grace and comfort to see you through.

God Bless,

YellowRose

I can't believe it...she sent me an e-card!
I really thought she'd never do it.
Here's what it said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> It has always been a special date!!!
I know you don't want contact, but it's always been a special date!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi there Spacecase,

I have a different opinion than most others....

I do not agree at all that you should not spend time here at MB. In fact, until you get through the transition of being in Plan B (it's quite a shock to YOU as well as to your DWW) I think you NEED to have contact with this forum where so many people care oodles for you. I would suggest, though, that you start moving through your understandable paralysis by setting aside a certain block of time every day that you do NOT post at all, do NOT read any relationship books, etc. Set a timer if you need to. It will get easier to NOT do these things for a little while every day after the first week or so.

I would also suggest that you set aside a certain block of time every day to start LOOKING for something to do with that time. If you don't pressure yourself by thinking that you should ALREADY be doing all the things you will be doing for yourself while in Plan B, it will help to relieve your paralysis. For right now just look for something---it won't be long before you find something new that you would like to try or to rediscover something that you used to enjoy but haven't done in a while. Some kind of community service might be something to consider---just getting information about different programs that you might want to volunteer for helps with becoming less paralyzed (and some volunteer things only require a couple hours a month).

In my humble opinion, I think that at this time it's a more realistic expectation for you to start sticking your toes in the water rather than expect yourself to already be swimming in the middle of the ocean. So stick a toe in---make a call or two about something you might like to do or even something really different than the norm for you. This is Plan B---it's all about YOU now!

P.S. I think Pepper would have some ideas for some really off-the-wall things to check out. Just think about the fun you'll have posting to us about it and the fun we'll have laughing about it with you!

What a wonderful way for you to end the day!

I'm so happy for you.

Sleep well my friend.

E_C

I just saw your post about the e-card....

I'm happy for you that your DWW acknowleged your anniversary---although this is the end of the day isn't it?

I don't remember what the verdict was on whether you were going to acknowlege it or not, but if you do I would do what someone had suggested earlier---tell her what you did to celebrate it by yourself even though it couldn't be celebrated with her this year.

This Plan B time will get better SC, no matter how difficult it is for you to adjust right now remember that it will get better.

It was a wonderful way to end the day!

I did not respond, although it took quite a bit of self-control to do that. All I will say is it involved tape, lots of Snickers (minis), and finding something on TV fast! LOL!!!

Thanks YA, I appreciate the assessment (and by the way, I am volunteering at a Women's Clinic already...VERY interesting!)
E_C, you are one special lady!

Thank you SC.

That means the world to me coming from you.

E_C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to be honest and say that when I read this last night, it knocked the wind out of my sails. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Space ~

I'm sorry if my post came across harshly. I didn't mean it to have that effect. I don't think I always communicate "tone" or "emotion" well in this 1 dimensional environment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I admit that you are absolutely right about all of this. And that I have been consumed by this in a way that I can't even comprehend. My whole life has self-destructed before my eyes, and I am left with very little to pick up the pieces and move forward. And with little desire or enthusiasm for it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've been hit a triple whammy at the very least. 2 affairs, and a lengthy unemployment. It certainly doesn't help the self-esteem - especially without a spouse around to reassure you that you are still 'the man'.

Look at the positive though. You've lost so much, but you've also earned/gained some freedom and time to start taking your life in directions you may not have had the time or the ability to do in the past. Lack of ties can be disconcerting, but it can also be empowering.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The forum, and helping others in some small way, became something that helped me pass the time, and was a positive thing in my life. And yet, I know I must start somewhere else, start doing other things, start creating a new life for myself, and I simply have not been able to do it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, MB is an acceptable and very valuable lifeboat for people suffering through the agony of affairs, separation and divorce. But, you know, every child has to give up his security blanket at some point, and learn how to go it on his own. I think it is time to start doing so for you - simply because as long as you stay here, typing to us, you remain isolated from the real, vibrant, LIVING that you need to do to survive this experience and come out a better man. Besides, it WILL make you more interesting to your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You don't have to do it all at once. Aside from reading your daily reading in "The Language of Letting Go", you should start reading something fun and interesting. Drop the relationship books! Some of the stuff you have learned will only start to sink in and become part of you, once you start living and bringing it into your life. As long as you live here, its all theory and thats about it.

It's time to stop focusing on what she needs or what she is doing. Time to stop trying to figure out how to fix it.

How about you? What do you need? What do you want to do, what are you interested in? Do you have something to learn? This winter, my husband taught himself some PHP, just to keep busy and productive. Do you have something like that you could do?

How about volunteering? Self-esteem is built by doing esteemable things. Do you like politics? Why not get involved in a political campaign?

This is the direction you need to head in to heal - regardless of the outcome with your wife. You need Plan B for YOU Space, you need the time to regenerate and recoop.

Thank you, BR. You are right, I know it, and I'm working on it.
I appreciate your being here. I Really do.