Going crazy,
You are doing so well, and I'm proud of your endurance! My life is in rollercoaster mode as well, but we can do this! I do think it's a good sign that they are floundering, they are unsure. Time is on our side, and if we can stay the course, we will come out on top, I truly believe it. Let us know how you're doing.
KK

Spacecase: Again, thank you for your encouraging words. Our marriage did not fall apart overnight, and cannot be repaired overnight.

KK2002: thank you for your support, I hope everything is ok with you

As of right now, (if no one cancels), WH has an appointment with Steve on Friday at 6AM, I have one at 11AM later on Friday. I had the opporutnity for tomorrow, but I thought it may be better to do it after WH so maybe Steve can give me some more "insight" into his head.

WH sent me an email, all he said is that we would talk tonight, "no holds barred"?????

WH just called, told me that there is not a marriage to salvage, that he feels no love for me, his mind is on OW and he misses her too much.

He says theres no way any marriage can recover after 19 months. he is LBing me like crazy, I can't take it

He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me, look at what hes doing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

God! I feel your pain. Hearing this from the one you love is the worst pain in the world. I hope someone experienced will be here going through this with you.

Do you have relatives and friends in real life? Please reach out to them also.

Relate.

GC,
I don't know what to say...he's having doubts, he's in withdrawl, he's confused. Not sure what you could say to bring him back, except maybe that you understand his ambivalence and wishy-washiness, that it's perfectly normal Withdrawl behavior, that he should not feel bad, that ALL WSs feel the same. That Steve can help him thru this, and that you will support him as well.

If you want to talk, email me and I'll send you my number.

Perhaps the best option for ideas, help would be another Male WS who has recovered? Anyone around?

I've tried to tell him he is in withdrawal, he says its "different", he won't cut off contact and recommitt, says he cant do it if his heart is not into it, he won't even allow me to love him.

GC; maybe you just need to back off. Let him know you <strong>will not even consider having him in your life</strong> unless he TRIES and gives your M a shot. Just the session with Steve...no need to ask for more right now.

I know it'll be hard to get those words to come out, but maybe that's the "jolt" he needs...

I am so sorry, GC, I just don't have the experience of having done this...just have my best MB thinking cap on...

I'm starting to wonder if I should just tell him that I would rather not talk tonight, wait until he talks to Steve,except hes on his way up here

There are articles in the Concepts section about the 3 states of mind, spouse's withdrawal, and how one spouse can lead the other back from withdrawal to intimacy. If you also go into conflict or withdrawal phase of mind, it will be a lost cause.

I would suggest telling him that you are not interested in talking with him until after you have had a chance to talk with Steve and after he has talked with Steve so that he can help your husband find his words in such a way that won't hurt you. Tell him that everything that has gone down so far has left you so raw that you can't handle a dialogue with him right now.

Then don't talk with him about Relationship Issues or HER any further. You are not his therapist nor his confessional. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way. You are responsible for your own protection as you can't count on Foghorn Leghorn to honor your relationship at least that much.

Take care! Get some rest even if you can't sleep. Get a Jamba Smoothie and drink it if you can't bring yourself to hold down solid food.

If he's on his way there, and you are afraid to alienate him by being too "tough love" right now, let him come over, STAY away from any serious R talk...soothe him, let him know you understand it's hard, but that you understand and all you ask is that he keep his apptmt W/Steve. Then just relax...no more than that...don't even try any more. He's fragile, he's havuing feelings he doens't understand (remember DDay for you, and the following days...same thing)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>There are articles in the Concepts section about the 3 states of mind, spouse's withdrawal, and how one spouse can lead the other back from withdrawal to intimacy. If you also go into conflict or withdrawal phase of mind, it will be a lost cause.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, I have read them, printed them out, and WH has read them too, he says that "yea, there may be some truth to that but my relationship with OW was not an addiction, but true love"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:
<strong>I would suggest telling him that you are not interested in talking with him until after you have had a chance to talk with Steve and after he has talked with Steve so that he can help your husband find his words in such a way that won't hurt you. Tell him that everything that has gone down so far has left you so raw that you can't handle a dialogue with him right now.

Then don't talk with him about Relationship Issues or HER any further. You are not his therapist nor his confessional. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way. You are responsible for your own protection as you can't count on Foghorn Leghorn to honor your relationship at least that much.

Take care! Get some rest even if you can't sleep. Get a Jamba Smoothie and drink it if you can't bring yourself to hold down solid food.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is on his way up right now, may already be there at home, he said he would be there when I got home from work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>If he's on his way there, and you are afraid to alienate him by being too "tough love" right now, let him come over, STAY away from any serious R talk...soothe him, let him know you understand it's hard, but that you understand and all you ask is that he keep his apptmt W/Steve. Then just relax...no more than that...don't even try any more. He's fragile, he's havuing feelings he doens't understand (remember DDay for you, and the following days...same thing)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he's so convinced that as long as he has any type of feelings that we can never recover, don't think he fully understands withdrawal, you are right, I have to be kind tonight, I don't want him to cancel with Steve, Steve is my only hope in getting through to him right now.
I am going to have a tough time not LBing, because I am so tempted to just say "fine, if you want her, go to her, stay there, never come back". but i know that me trying to hurt him wiht those words will kill me instead

GC; RELAX, we can't figure it all out here in a few minutes.

Go home, do the best you can. You've gotten many ideas, take the one that sounds best to you, and run with it. EVEN if it turns out terribly, it's OK! We will always make mistakes in this process, and no single one will usually be devastating.

Do the best you know how to do, you know your H better than anyone, but st yourself a goal and try to reach it. Cing with Steve seems like the key one to me. Try to get that, and ONLY that. If you can't, don't worry, we'll figure something else out.

Relax, relax, it IS NOT the end of the workld!

DO NOT LB! Don't lose it!

Either let him know he will be out of your life completely until he does the right thing, or to committ to Cing with Steve.

Those are your 2 options that I can see. Choose one, and go with it; but do it RIGHT. No fights, no LBs, no educating him!

Show him the tools; he has to take them and use them. You cannot do it for him.

GC,
I really feel for you, girl. So sorry to hear this latest. THese WS's are like aliens from another planet, there is just no logic to how they think or what they do.
It's easy for someone else to say "BE CALM", but honestly, it is the only thing that will do any good at this point. So far, being calm and loving has been the only way I can ever get through to my WH. WHen I LB and bring up issues,
he goes farther from me. I am praying for you right now, that God's loving spirit will be with you and comfort you.
KK
We made a pact, remember <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>DO NOT LB! Don't lose it!

Either let him know he will be out of your life completely until he does the right thing, or to committ to Cing with Steve.

Those are your 2 options that I can see. Choose one, and go with it; but do it RIGHT. No fights, no LBs, no educating him!

Show him the tools; he has to take them and use them. You cannot do it for him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will try not to LB, if I do, I risk him canceling STeves appt