Hi Free,

It has been a long time since I posted to you. It is good that your H is thinking of trying again. But you are wise to wait and see if he really does try. He was cheating on you before your marriage, during the wedding period, and many times since. It is clearly in his court and I think you are handling this correctly.

As for Relates advice, he needs to do a bit more reading. MB and more specifically Dr. Harley, does not believe all marriages can or should be saved. His stated goal is to save more marriages than were being saved before. But, this is not to occur at all costs and you have paid a very high price to just get where you are. You have done the plan a, and you have hung in there. But unless he can start to demostrate actions that you can trust, this marriage is over, and I suspect that is what you are feeling.

It really is his job to prove to you that he can be trusted to act like a married man, something he has NEVER done in your marriage. Your marriage started out as with lying and it really has never stopped. Perhaps it will this time, I hope so, but I think your caution is right on the mark.

God Bless,

JL

SH, Response posted on your thread. There is no contradiction. As you can well see the situation is different from one couple to the other. And then the situation changes for the same person as time goes by. In your situation plan B made your position weaker and you should not have done it at the time. Weaving things back together is going to be hard.

As for GC, she was suffering tremendously from his words. She needed immediate protection if she's not able to withstand it. Besides she's in her prime, 29 with no kids. She's got her whole life ahead of her.

For Free, he's here with you. Forgive his past and do not focus on it. Give in to him slowly. Ask for what you want gently. He will do it for you.

I know this site is a lifeline for many people.

- relate

<small>[ September 06, 2002, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Good morning, everyone,

Thank you all (even relate, whom I thought was a woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )! Please forgive me for not getting back to you personally, there's just too many responses and I'm heading off to work soon.

I recently told my WH that I no longer want to work on the marriage. I don't hav the desire for him or the marriage now. I do love him and I told him so, but I need so much more from a H.

Two things made my decision...

1) WH was supposed to come over last Thursday night. My son had an attitude and answered the phone rather rudely. Well it was WH and he got mad so he hung up and I didn't hear from him until the next morning. He had blamed a few of his EAs on the fact that he can't handle being around my boys. So again he punished me for the act of a child instead of calling and saying he was upset and wouldn't be over.

2) I've been watching the 1 year updates of the 9/11 widows and I'm in awe at the incredible grief they still have for their H... I know I could never honor my WH that way if something were to happen to him. I want to be loved and love in such a way that I too could honor and cherish him. And I can't!

So I'm moving on without him! Thank you all for being supportive with your thoughts and guidance! I would love to forget the past and love my WH as relate suggests, but like you all know... too much has happened and my love bank went bankrupt!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 06:20 AM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

You must both pull together if you are to put it back together. It won't work with either one of you pushing away, as this will cause the other to loose heart and give up.

Best of luck with your decision.

- relate

Free,
I'm sorry that your H let his bad behavior go on until your lovebank drained. It does happen, BS, or any spouse, can only keep themself at the point where reconciliation is possible for so long, being treated badly is disheartening.

I wish you strength and well-being.

Thank you, Lor!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What all the OW in this world need is more bitter wives like you guys. Just fight with them for insignificant little things when they take you out for dinner and are trying to call you, and send them off to the OW's loving and understanding arms.

- relate

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>What all the OW in this world need is more bitter wives like you guys. Just fight with them for insignificant little things when they take you out for dinner and are trying to call you, and send them off to the OW's loving and understanding arms.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh, I'm sure that was SO helpful for Free2be, Relate.

Your love walk totally stinks. There's a big difference between helping with tough love and just being a jerk. Obviously.

relate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You do not sound "supportive" at all. It is HER decision and you should support that, instead of being judgmental. She is doing what she feels that she has to...in order to be whole once again. Please do not judge her.

committed

I think she is throwing him away.

I am a woman by the way.

- relate

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>I am a woman by the way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be quite honest, you come across as an unrepentent OW. I hope your intentions in being here are to actually encourage and help others...are they?

BTW, you never did answer my earlier question about what your "story" is. We'd be interested to know, if you're comfortable sharing.

Lori

FreetoBeme:

Have you had any contact with your H since he childishly said he wasn't coming over last Thursday? It really sounds like your lovebank is empty, and I imagine that's a scary place to be. Whatever the eventual outcome, maybe it would be best to take a complete break from him. You know, to rest and re-charge...you'll need the energy, whether it be for recovery or separation.

I think you've been strong and long-suffering thru this, Free, and I also think your heart and mind deserve a break.

God Bless you.

Lori

Ah! Lofty self righteous personal attacks, both on me and him. Poor guy. No wonder they run from you. You are the ones trying to stop a reconciliation; finding reasons for bickering. Ah! and she wants the last word too. (This part is not for Free, specially for at_peace).

For ever so long Free2, you've had this 'break' from him. And now that he's finally here offering a warm pair of arms around you, and a warm body next to you, you get all puffed up and can think of nothing else but causes to fight with him.

He will leave with this reception in his mind. Whenever he thinks of you, this rejection is all he will remember - a huge dose of LBing. He won't come back again. You have your permanent break.

- relate

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Ah! Personal attacks, both on me and him. Poor guy. No wonder they run from you.

- relate</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay relate--this is way out of line. The first part of your post itself is a personal attack on Free and inexusable. It's clear you don't agree with Free's decision, and you have issues with the advice she's been given by others very familiar with her history. But if you can't disagree respectfully, please refrain from posting. You are being hurtful, not helpful.

Martes

relate,

I don't know how long you have been in this MB but you have a good knowledge of MB's principal in text book. I would agree w/ you 1000% if this is not Free & her H. It is so easy to type something here ... but Free had been and has to live in it. Most of us followed her post from the beginning and most of us just trying to tell her to be cautious because of her past experiences.

Others,
Could we stop this and help Free instead ?.

Relate & others ... if anyone of us still want to argue, open a new post and put the link for your post.

Thanks -RH-

You're right, of course, Redhat.

It's just kind'a like watching someone beat a love-starved puppy...I feel so sad and the maternal protective instincts kick in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Lori

Free,

Stay strong ... and I recomend you to read recovery board. There are tons of false recovery posts in there. However you know what will take to rebuild back your trust ... don't settle for less. At this point you should not go back to plan A ... IMVHO, either you stay in plan B or start "negotiation" on what H should ammend you.

I pray that your H will do the right thing to do whatever it takes to ammend you. -RH-

You're welcome, Free.

(other lofty growling)

There was no recovery here, false or otherwise. Free2 didn't allow it; you said you didn't want it with your expressions of doubt, cheered on by the collective bitterness towards him. You were not in plan A when he did come back. Sad.

He may make another feeble try, poor guy. But you will find some fault or another. There is always a fault you can pick in any situation, and one can pick on that little fault amoungst 1000 other reasons full of wonder. You will find and pick the needle in the haystack of love. Your decision is correct. With this fault picking and the collective grudges aimed at him, this relationship does not stand a chance.

Call him back. Tell him that you regret not being there to take his call. Then tell him that you want him to be more patient with the behaviours of teenage boys, but that you love them and they are a bundle of joy for you. And that it is very important that someone who loves you accept them as part of your life. But never threaten breaking up the relationship if he does not do what you want, if it is not already too late.

- relate

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Free and Relate,

The thing is, these guys know exactly what they need to do to return home and work on things, and if they want to, they can be very convincing and really be ready to recover, and plan A you to show he is serious.

Plan A was never meant to be a life time, longterm thing. Even Steve Harley has said if they will not agree to what you need for recovery and follow the four rules, then it should end. MB is not about giving them chance after chance and giving and giving with no return. Marriage is meant to be a 50-50 partnership and after a period of time without movement toward recovery, then the betrayed spouse is free to feel they have done what they could.

Relate, at some point you just start to feel like if he and the OW think they can maintain a relationship with no effort and it will be happily ever after, without having to learn how to sustain things... well then they should go for it.

Free, Good luck to you. I am in a similar place and have been reading your thread with interest. Take care