dopey,

Good for you in the self respect dept.

"just a game to him?"

I hate to think about it, but I know for a fact that my H tends to see many things in terms of "a game". I'll need more time to see if that is really "him" or part of his "emotional basketcase status".

Hcii,

quote:
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Has any BS ever thought this: That one of the reasons that the rejection after the affair, such as in mine, Terrified, and Replaced's situation, is so grave, is because we are so in love that the person that has hurt us immensely is the VERY SAME one that we are accustomed to go to in order to help us with our pain?
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You are right on with this. In my case I saw this from a different angle.

I have said many times that one of the reasons STL and I are in such a good recovery is that he was both the cause of my pain and source of my comfort after d-day. He told me shortly after d-day that he caused the harm so it was his responsibility to help me heal from it. And he did exactly that. It drew us closer then we had ever been and greatly increased the level of intimacy between us.

Replaced,

It is so hard for me too, to believe that anyone could be so cruel to another human, let alone one who they are married to. It shows the depth of selfishness to which some WS sink. I think that there are a few things at the root of it.

--- Humans are programmed to survive. A WS has decided that they need both the spouse and the OP to survive. So they fight to keep both at everyone else’s expense.

--- The WS has it made with two people vying for they love. They have two people to fill their needs. Since no one person can fill all of another person’s EN’s all of the time, two people would be more likely to do it. Maybe all of us would like to have two people pampering and loving us. Why not? But the WS is not going to give it up until they have no other choice. Oft times it seems that they are pushing the issue as long as they can until either the spouse or the OP calls uncle. And then the decision is made by the one who walks out on them. Then they did not have to make a choice either, it’s made for them and they can feel sorry for themselves.

--- Some WS are go angry with the BS that they feel justified in having affairs. They do it purposely to hurt the BS. My ex-husband was like that.

Plan B is not a manipulation, it’s self-preservation.

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Zorweb,

"I meant something to him" He says I do, but he is vague, very vague.

"his responsibility to help me heal from it" Says he is sorry he cant give me what I need.

In time we all find out our own realities in our own situations. Our recovery is VERY stalled. Only an update at some point can clarify why,(unavoidable situations). It is a mess that goes way beyond H and I and our marriage. This is the ONLY reason I can tolerate the unfinished business of dealing with the infidelity.

One of these days........?

Replaced